What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV! Have you seen a TV Mike? I haven't seen a TV...do you know what it means when there's no TV? No MTV.
You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you freebasing, Michael? Inquiring minds want to know.
Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael! My own brother, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire! You wait 'til Mom finds out, buddy!
Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me.
It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?... [Star floats up] She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike!
Death by stereo!
[to Star] Don't kill anyone until we get back to you.
You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral.
Vampires have such rotten tempers.
As a matter of fact, we're almost certain ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.
Where the hell are you from? Krypton?
If you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it!
It's not our fault, they pulled a mind scramble on us! They opened their eyes and talked!
I think I should warn you all, when a vampire bites it, it's never a pretty sight. No two blood suckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode. But, all will try and take you with them.
Try holy water, death breath!
The blood-sucking Brady Bunch.
This is just a cover; we're dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters for truth, justice, and the American way.
Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. There's another rule around here, and I want you to pay close attention. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it.
[as Michael comes home in the morning] Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.
The one thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach....all the damn vampires!
Michael Emerson: [upon seeing Grandpa's workroom, filled with deer heads] Talk about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Lucy Emerson: [to Sam] I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster.
Grandpa: Playin' dead. And from what I heard, doin' a damn good job of it, too.
Michael: Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world?
Grandpa: There are some bad elements around here.
Sam: Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you serious, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem.
Grandpa: Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide sometimes the address label is curled up just a little. You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind up rippin' the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta here.
Sam: Wait, you have a TV?
Grandpa: No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.
Sam: So where're we going?
Sam: So what's the rush? You're chasing that girl aren't you? Come on, admit it. You're at the mercy of your sex glands, bud.
Sam: Got a problem, guys?
Edgar: Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Sam: Pretty cool, huh?
Alan: For a fashion victim.
Edgar: Where the hell are you from? Krypton?
Sam: Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved...here.
Edgar: You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit buddy. You think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks, huh?
Sam: Actually, I thought it was a bakery.
Edgar: This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters for Truth, Justice, and the American way.
Edgar: Read this.
Sam: I told you I don't like horror comics.
Alan: Think of it more as a survival manual. There's our number on the back and pray you never need to call us.
Sam: I'll pray I never need to call you. Sure.
Grandpa: Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?
Sam: How about some Windex, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Yeah, let me try some of that. [slaps some on] Not bad!
David: Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going on?
Marko: I don't know. What's going on, Paul?
Paul: Wait a minute. Who wants to know?
Dwayne: Michael wants to know.
Edgar: You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot?
Sam: Yeah, all day.
Alan: Does the sunlight freak him out?
Sam: Uh, he wears sunglasses in the house.
Edgar: Bad breath, long fingernails?
Sam: Yeah, his fingernails are a little bit longer, um, he always had bad breath though.
Alan: He's a vampire all right.
Edgar: All right, here's what you do, get your self a good sharp stake and drive it right through his heart.
Sam: I can't do that, he's my brother.
Alan: Okay, we'll come over and do it for you.
Edgar: You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral.
[Michael is floating outside Sam's window.]
Michael: Open up!
Sam: Stay back! Stay back
Michael: Sammy, help me! Open up! Help me! Sammy, open the window!
Sam: You're a vampire! I knew it!
Michael: I'm not!
Sam: So what are you, the flying nun?
Michael: I'm your brother, Sammy! HELP ME!!!
Edgar: We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in town for a long time.
Alan: Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead.
Edgar: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high position at City Hall.
Alan: Kill your brother, you'll feel better.
Edgar: Where's Nosferatu?
Edgar: The Prince of Darkness.
Alan: The night crawler. The bloodsucker. El Vampiro.
Sam: Mike! They're here.
Michael: Look, this isn't a comic book, Sam, these guys are brutal killers.
Sam: So are the Frog brothers!
Michael: If something happens down there, I won't have the strength to protect you.
Sam: This time I'll protect you. Even though you're a vampire, you're still my brother.
Edgar: If you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it!
Sam: Chill out, Edgar.
Edgar: Yeah, come on!
Michael: Where did you say you met these guys?
Edgar: We're on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together, like bullets and guns. Come on!
Sam: What's that smell?
Edgar: Vampires, my friend. Vampires.
Alan: We blew it, man! We lost it!
Edgar: Shut up!
Alan: We unraveled in the face of the enemy!
Edgar: It's not our fault. They pulled a mind-scramble on us! They opened their eyes and talked!
[Sam shoots an arrow at Dwayne, and misses.]
Dwayne: You missed, sucker.
Sam: Only once, pal.
[Sam shoots again, pinning Dwayne against the stereo making parts of him explode while being electrocuted]
Sam: Death by stereo!
Edgar: We trashed the one who looks like Twisted Sister!
Alan: Totally anniliated his night-stalking ass!
Edgar: Well, Nanook helped a little.
Edgar: Death to all vampires! Maximum body count. We are awesome monster bashers!
Alan: The meanest!
Edgar: The baddest!
Michael: You afraid to face me, David? HUH?!
David: I tried to make you immortal.
Michael: You tried to make me a killer!
David: You are a killer! My turn. Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you. Join us.
David: It is too late, my blood is in your veins.
Michael: So is mine!
Max: Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless.
[Sam turns to Edgar and whispers.]
Sam: Did you know that?
Edgar: Of course. Everyone knows that.
Max: It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big happy family. Your boys. And my boys.
Edgar: Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch.
Michael: I didn't invite you this time, Max.
Mother: Dad! Dad, are you all right?
Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach. All the damn vampires.