Frisky Dingo

Frisky Dingo is an American animated cartoon series created by Adam Reed and Matt Thompson for Adult Swim. The series revolved around the conflict between a supervillain named Killface and a superhero named Awesome X, alias billionaire Xander Crews, and much of the show's humor focuses on parodying superhero and action movie clichés.

Season 1

Meet Killface

[Killface is holding Brent by his legs at the top of the Annihilatrix, threatening to drop him]

Killface: [sighs] You see, Brent? We all have jobs to do.

Brent: Great, there goes my pen! Great!

Killface: My job is to complete the Annihilatrix and destroy mankind by driving this vile planet straight into the Sun [Brent interrupts].

Brent: Wait! I have another idea! Listen...

Killface: And your job is to market it.

Brent: Listen! No listen! We can get... Jason Alexander!

Killface: Great!

Brent: Yeah!

Killface: You can call him when you hit the ground!

Brent: Nooo! Wait, wait! I got another idea! Better than Jason Alexander! I got, uh...

Killface: Don't say David Arquette to me!

Brent: I wo... well now that you say that I'm not going to.

---

[Killface is examining Annihilatrix DVD]

Brent: ...Any standard DVD player.

Killface: Or any uhh... "PC", it says here?

Brent: Yes, any Personal Computer with DVD capabiliti-

Killface: GREAT SCOTT!!

Valerie: [Screams out in panic]

Brent: What?

Killface: [Laughs], "PC"...

Brent: What?

Killface: ...Stands for "Personal Computer"... I just this moment got that... VALERIE!!!

Valerie: [Screams in panic again]

Killface: It's alright if you want to laugh.

[All three are silent]

Valerie: [Nervous laugh]

Killface: Good girl.

Meet Awesome X

Stan: Five million dollars?!

Xander: Well, I had to pay her off. I can't have some blabbity-mouth hooker running around with my secret identity! That's the first thing they teach you.

Stan: Nobody cares about your secret identity!

Xander: It's to protect my loved ones.

Stan: You don't have any loved ones!

Xander: [gasp] Stan!

Stan: What, who? That girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?

[Quick shot of pictures of Xander's parents]

Stan: And you can say good-bye to the X-tacles.

Xander: Wh--What?

Stan: What what? You just spent their entire salary for the year.

Xander: See, I knew you were going to trick me into doing this!

Stan: Me?! You're the one who paid five million dollars for a blowjob!

Xander: I...it was a half-and-half, first of all; second of all...okay I'm going.

---

[Xander, as Awesome-X, has a conversation with the Xtacles.]

Xander: ...but the Crew Company funds the entire Awesome X operation. So, you know, take it up with Xander Crews.

Xtacle #1: Let's kill that son of a bitch!

Xtacles: Yeah!

Xander: No, no, let's don't--he's a good guy. We don't kill good guys. We kill bad guys, come on. It's in our charter

Xtacle #1: So, what's up with our 401(k)?

[Xander just turns his head and groans]

Xtacle #2: What--that's my nest egg! We're still gonna have health insurance, right?

Xtacle #1: Oh my God! Health insurance, I need that.

[Xander just clears his throat]

Xtacles: What?!

Xtacle #3: Are we at least eligible for COBRA?

Xander: What, the little... the G. I. Joe dolls?

Xtacle #2: No, not the G. I. Joe dolls.

Pimp My Revenue

Sinn: If he always throws his food on the floor, how is he so fat?

Simon: [gasps and runs off]

Killface: No, son... [to Sinn] Now look what you've done!

Sinn: Sire, I'm sorry!

Killface: Apologize to his self-esteem! Now we've talked about the chubby cycle. One snarky comment like that and he's back in the cupboard! And he was doing so well! Three pounds this week!

Sinn: Yes sire.

Killface: Shut up. Just shut up and eat the cereal.

Sinn: It's got glass in it!

[glares at her until she gets on the floor and begins eating the cereal]]

---

Killface: [on climbing machine] ...then find me that printer so I can cut his arms off.

Valerie: But you signed off on...

Killface: Mention those proofs again and just see what happens, Valerie.

Valerie: Look, bad grammar aside, forty million people just saw your postcard.

Killface: [stopping exercise] Bugger me! They poll those numbers?

Valerie: It's the highest-rated daytime show ever.

Killface: Ugh, I hate America.

Valerie: [leading] And their booker owes me a favor.

Killface: No, she doesn't. Valerie, if you could get me on Live With Mitzi and Verl, I'd...I'd want two segments--not the one after Verl monologue, that's garbage time--but the next two, after the break. Valerie, you get me on there, you just name your reward.

Valerie: I'd like for you to let me go.

Killface: [resuming exercise] Well, you know...except for that.

XPO

Awesome X: Just a damn minute, Mr. man, are you even Asian?

[Mao wipes away glasses and fake eyebrows]

Mao: Yeah, see, I kinda got this minority business loan.

[X-tacles cock and point guns at Mao]

Awesome X: Those loans are for non-threatening educated women of color.

Xtacle #1: Yeah, like maybe she wants to go into real estate.

Xtacle #2: Or maybe open up a beauty salon.

Xander: Screw it, shoot him.

Mao: Hey. Hey, whoa. Can't we work something out here. [slips him a postcard]

Xander: More. More. More, like a whole box more. And the villabouts of the whereain Kelly.

Xtacle #1: Whereabouts of the villain killface.

Xander: Did I say the villabouts of the whereain Kelly?

Xtacle #1: Yeah

Xander: 'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately. I wonder if it's a tumor.

Xtacle #1: I know a good cancer doctor.

---

Killface: Sinn, meet Mr Watley. But don't get too friendly. I'm afraid he's one of our competitors.

Sinn: Charmed

[the two stare deeply in each other's eyes]

Watley: [strains as a plopping sound is heard]

Killface: Did you just... lay a clutch of eggs?

Watley: Well, I gotta go. You should get those in some sand. [runs off embarassed]

Killface: That's... something you don't see every day... one hopes.

Kidnapped!

Xander: Looking back, Operation Snooperfax was a little...convoluted. Convoluted.

Stan: Convoluted? Damn it, you just about used up all of our operating capital.

Xander: Do we still have enough to pay for Train Island?

Stan: Yes, your little choo-choos are safe.

Xander: Nice!

Stan: Only because I had to make some pretty deep cuts in...elsewhere.

[The X-tacles receive their drastically deducted paychecks]

X-tacle #1: Guess I'll call Jan and tell her we're not going to Orlando.

X-tacle #2: Orlando? Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.

---

Sinn: You didn't kill the taxi driver?

Killface: You know, I was, but I think it's hard enough on the Arabs in this beastly country right now.

Sinn: I don't think he's Arab.

Phil: No, I'm pretty sure that guy is Filipino.

Killface: Well then. [Shoots the taxi driver] London calling.

Grace: Oh my God! Yes! THAT is exactly the kind of bloodlust that makes for a phenomenal interview. Hi. Grace Ryan, Force 10 News.

Killface: And you must be Killface. What am I saying? Of course you're not Killface, not with a face like that; no one in their right mind would think to call you...I'm Killface...if anybody is.

Emergency Room

Killface: Fetch the minivan. We're off to murder that wretch Xander Crews.

Grace: Don't you dare hurt him!

Sinn: Sire, Phil has cancer!

Killface: First of all, he's obviously not that into you.

[Grace gasps]

Killface: Phil, given your strict forcemeats-and-cheese regimen, the only real surprise is you're not dead already.

Phil: Phil, grappling with the cold reality of death, has no pithy rejoinder.

---

Grace: Oh my God, Xander, where are you?

Killface: Well, wherever he is, I'm sure he's laughing his fat face off.

[Aboard the Xcalibur, Xander is tied to a chair getting punched by the Xtacles]

X-tacle #1: Who's laughing now, Crews?

Xander: I wasn't laughing before. [Punch]]

X-tacle #2: I'm gonna punch him so friggin' hard.

X-tacle #3: I'm gonna smash his face in!

X-tacle #4: I'm gonna blow him. [Everybody looks at him] UP! Wh... [Walks off] Queers!

Meet Antagone

[sitar Music Plays]

Phil: Ohn-Naa. Ohn-Naa.

Killface: No no no no! Stop that! Stop that Mantra!

Phil: Oh Hi, and a blessed day to you.

Killface: [annoyed] mm?

Phil: [Optimistic] Mm!

Killface: mm?

Phil: Mm! Ohn-Naa.

[Killface shoots through Phil's Speakers, ending the Sitar Music]

Killface: Get the hell out of Here!

Phil: Mm, I can't. Lorraine kicked me out when she found out I had cancer.

Killface: That fat slag!

Phil: Enh!

Killface: Surely this town has a Y, Philip?

Phil: No, I'm getting a pretty nice Healing Vibe here. Good for my Chakra.

Killface: No, No, Cancer's a bad influence on Simon! Worse than Sinn and that Prawn and...whatever happend to Val?

[The eyes of Mrs Killface's Portrait slide back, revealing Valerie's eyes, looking shifty; the original eyes are replaced.]

Killface: Anyway, get your candles and your, white cells or whatever and just pop on down to the Y, hm?

Phil: Ohmmmmy lawyers say the Annihilatrix caused my cancer.

Killface: What lawyers?

Phil: It's all here in the lawsuit.

Killface: ... ...My God, the stones on you.

---

Killface: [Unable to get his money out of the bank after Phil spends the money he received from suing Killface] Ridiculous! A hundred and eighty dollars for snake oil?

Phillip: Shark oil, and some of that was for the bath salts and add... the luffa.

Killface: Oh damn your luffa... [Starts pounding the machine] and damn Xander Crews and damn his snotty back!

Phillip: Yeah, why do you bank here anyway?

Killface: [Temporarily with a happier tone] Checking with interest. [Starts pounding the machine again, breaking it] But now this blasted machine tells me my checking account can't be accessed!!

Phillip: Wow, already?

Killface: I d- I beg your pardon?

Phillip: Well, we had to freeze your assets. [Killface tries to suppress his anger with a deep breath] Come on, its common sense. I'm sorry, you want some walking around money?

Killface: No, I want to go you to the car and get some plasma charges and blow Xander Crews' crummy, little bank to-

(The bank explodes, knocking Killface and Phillip away)

Phillip: My loofah, where's my loofah?!

Killface: Shut up, Phil.

Blind Faith

Grace: [rapidly, holding stolen gems] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Xander: Grace! Open the damn door, it's Xander!

Grace: [tone of Antagone, eyes glowing green] Xander Crews?

Xander: Yes, idiot!

[Grace/Antagone growls]

[Antagone opens door]

Xander Hey fun bags, where's my idiot girlfriend?

[Xander gets knocked out]

---

Xander: [Xander has hit the blind Killface with his car] Hey, hey, no no man, don't move, man. I think you got a concussion.

Killface: Ow! What happened?

Xander: Hit... hit... hit... and... and they ran... hit and run, plateless gang car.

Killface: Oh! On a blind man! Crap! Yes, riding dirty, no doubt... With their... Bubba Kush. Well I, sir, am Killface. And you are in my debt... I'm in your debt.

Xander: Yeah, you have a house.

Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. take Naps. Where's my food?

Xander: Yeah, here...

Killface: My head... kills.

Xander: Um... this is actually just full of rocks.

Killface: Oh, that guy!

Xander: Yeah. [Laughs] ChickParm does that to blind people all the time.

Killface: Oh, I hate them!

Xander: Yeah, my girlfriend even did a thing on the news about it-

Killface: Is your girlfriend on the news?

Xander: My... what?

Killface: Grace Ryan? Wait a minute. Who are you? Shhhhh. You smell that? I smell crickets.

Xander: We should go to your house.

Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. Take naps. And y... what's your name? I don't even know your name.

Xander: Um... uh... mmm... Barnaby Jones.

Killface: [Beat] Barnaby Jones!

Xander: Yeah.

Killface: [Singing] People, let me tell ya 'bout my new best friend, Barnaby Jones! [Long pause] ...Nap.

The Odd Couple

Stan: [as Awesome X through transmission] How did he even escape anyway?

X-tacle #1: We're...dealing with that internally, X.

Stan: Inte...I'll deal with you internally!

[The X-tacles gasp as Stan holds up a remote.]

Stan: Yes, you'd better gasp collectively, because until you find Xander Crews, I'm gonna blow one of your heads off every hour. [1 X-tacle's head axplodes] Starting now

[Transmission ends]

X-tacle #1: Oh my f-ing God...

X-tacle #2: Every hour? What are we going to do?

X-tacle #3: First of all, maybe we shouldn't have agreed to have remote-controlled explosives put in our necks.

X-tacle #1: Well where were you at contract time?

X-tacle #3: Your mom's house. [X-tacle #1 points gun at #3] Cleaning! Dude I was only cleaning.

X-tacle #1: [holstering gun] Yeah, that's what I thought.

X-tacle #3: [pointing his own gun] Her vagina!

---

X-tacle #2: What's that supposed to be?

X-tacle #3: A little ashtray.

X-tacle #2: For who?

X-tacle #3: It's...it's for my mom.

X-tacle #2: Wh--Diane still smokes?

X-tacle #3: Yeah, right in the...you know... [points at neck] the little neckhole.

X-tacle #4: Dude!

X-tacle #3: Dude I know... It's My mom

Flowers for Nearl

X-tacle #1: Okay, got the tuxedo shirt.

X-tacle #2: Uhh...what is that?

Nearl: Everybody is Ken!

X-tacle #1: What is what?

X-tacle #2: That!

X-tacle #1: It's the shirt.

X-tacle #2: Really. And is it me, or is it 1987? A winged collar. Are you...doing this?

X-tacle #3: What are...what's everybody doing?

X-tacle #2: No, that's great. Maybe you and Nearl...

Nearl: I'm Nearl!

X-tacle #2: ...your f*cking prom date can borrow your dad's f*cking time machine...

X-tacle #3: Please don't do this.

X-tacle #2: ...and fly it into the gym down there at I'm-a-jackoff High School...

Nearl: Everybody!

X-tacle #2: ...and slow dance to Lisa Lisa and motherf*cking Cult Jam!

Nearl: Lisa Lisa, the one I adore!

X-tacle #4: [running in] I think it's the Cult Jam.

X-tacle #1: [as Ed McMahon] You are correct, sir.

X-tacle #2: No, he isn't, nor is that collar!

X-tacle #3: Can we just fix the collar?

X-tacle #5: [at sewing machine] Oh, sure, why not? I'll just do it tonight while I'm missing another recital.

---

X-tacle #1: So...who's read Flowers for Algernon?

Nearl: Ken!

X-tacle #2: Oooh, about the kid with all the chains, and the goggles, and at the end he gets killed with a shotgun?

Xtacles #2, #3, #4: Boosh!!

X-tacle #1: That's Harrison Bergeron.

Xtacles #2, #3, #4: Hollywood Squares!

X-tacle #1: That's Tom Bergeron.

X-tacle #2: Brother of Menelaus!

X-tacle #1: Damn it, that's Agamemnon!

The Grate Escape

Killface: Barnaby, listen.

Xander Crews: What?

Killface: I thought I heard something. [Xander Crews screams and presses against Killface]

Xander Crews: I bet it's a chud.

Killface: We really need to get you some pants.

Xander Crews: Yeah, that's not a pickle.

Killface: I know. It's your penis.

Xander Crews: My penis? [deepens voice] My penis.

Killface: Barnaby...

Xander Crews: Scrinching back!

---

[Old Spice, Xander and Killface navigate the Torpedo Vegas sewers]

Killface: All right, tell Old Spice thanks for helping us escape… uh the map… Oh! And thanks for these new eyes!

Xander: [in Mandarin] Thanks for your help. And the eyes.

Old Spice: [in Mandarin] The glasses are only temporary.

Xander: Neat!

Killface: Oh, this bag of radishes.

Xander: [in Mandarin] Also, thanks for the radishes!

Killface: Move over bananas, I found a new source of potassium.

Old Spice: [in Mandarin] There should also be a turnip.

Killface: Oh, and tell him… [looks at Xander] you know, you’re really dead handsome.

Xander: [in Mandarin] He says you’re very handsome.

Old Spice: [looks nonplussed at Killface then Xander. In Mandarin] Tell him I have a wife. In China.

Xander: Uh… he says he has a car, in China.

Killface: Well, I don’t care about his car!

Xander: Well, I’m not gonna tell him that!

Killface: No, do tell him! Tell him that verbatim.

Xander: Owning a car in China has got to be, like, a huge deal! Of course he’s proud!

Killface: Barnaby.

Xander: Think how many rags he had to pick!

Killface: Time’s a bit of a factor here.

Xander: TELL HIM YOU’RE PROUD OF HIS CAR!

Killface: What does it matter what I say?

Xander: Well, he speaks English.

Killface: [to Old Spice] You speak English?

Old Spice: Yes.

Killface: [walks away] Mm-hmm.

---

Killface: Then I'll face off with Torpedo Vegas mano-a-mano. Probably with katanas. [Killface slashes at Vegas with a katana]

Torpedo Vegas: You win this round... Killface... [the top half of his torso begins to slide off.]

Killface: Then I'll have a tearful reunion with Simon and we can all go home. Bing bong bing.

Xander Crews: Yeah. My part's kinda gay.

Killface: Hah! Wait til you hear Plan B!

Xander Crews: Uh...what's Plan B?

[They Round a corner and are faced with a dozen gun-wileding guards]

Guard: Fleeze, douche bags!

Killface: I don't actually have one.

Penultimate Fighting

Torpedo Vegas: He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?

Killface: I think I'm missing the key reference.

Torpedo Vegas: I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!

Killface: Barnaby just-

Torpedo Vegas: I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Neither does he!

Torpedo Vegas: Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...

Killface: I - uh -

Xander Crews / Barnaby Jones: Yeah, what is the story on that?

Killface: Oh, like you can talk.

Xander Crews: Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.

[Quick cut to Xander, as Awesome X, dancing in front of the X-ticles, naked except for a beercan covering his groin and shouting "Master Cylinder!" through a megaphone. Cut back to Torpedo Jones' lair]

Torpedo Jones: [Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.

---

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Oh, you're fuckin' dead.

Killface: Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby. [Xander smashes Killface in the face] Oh you're really selling it.

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Oh, what's that? I obviously can't hear you.

Killface: Okay, Barnaby?

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Hey, I'm Killface, and I have a plan! Let me shoot your fuckin' eyes out! And then, let's wander around a fuckin' sewer our whole lives, looking for my fat ass, weirdo kid!

Killface: Hey-

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Who just happens to be-

Killface: Barnaby-

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: The world's fattest fucking pussy! [Killface yells and bashes Xander to the ground]

Killface: You made me do that! [Steps on Xander's neck]

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Well, your kid's still a pussy.

Killface: Barnaby-

Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: 'Cause you are a failure as a parent.

Thrust Issues

[After Simon attempts to re-hang a portrait of his mother up]

Killface: So just leave Lady Mom on the floor as a painful remainder of everyone I clutch to my bosom in friendship, only to feel the icy pang of betrayal as they sink their serpent's teeth into my... y'know... my bosom!

[Phillip enters, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a basket of pickles]

Phillip: [Cheerfully] Well, my ears are burnin'.

Killface: Wha... Phillip?!

Phillip: Ta-daaa!

[Icy pause]

Killface: [Stand-offish] Eager to know why you're here.

...

Killface: Have you come to gloat?

Phillip: That, and I think I might have left my Zune here. Have ya seen it?

Killface: I don't know.

Phillip: No? It's a...

Killface: No, nothing here but a profound sense of betrayal.

Phillip: ... little Zune, it's got Mp3s on it...

Killface: Oh, and back knives.

Phillip: Ah, it's no biggie, I'll just buy a new one. I'm a billionaire now, you know.

Killface: Yes, I can tell by the tuxedo.

Phillip: Yep, that's what we wear. Y'know.

Killface: ZZ Top would be proud.

Phillip: Chompa chompa.

---

[Arranging to swap the $20 billion check for the Annihilatrix key]

Xander Crews: We threw 'em! We throw 'em on three!

Killface: No, I-I think it's windy for...

Xander Crews: [Yelling quickly] One two three!

[Startled, Killface throws the check; it is caught by the wind before Xander (who didn't throw the key) can catch it]

Xander Crews: [Beat]... what the fuck, dude?!

Killface: You said throw it!

Xander Crews: Why?!... did I say that?!

Killface: 'Cause you're an idiot! And a liar! You didn't even throw yours!

[Pause]

Xander Crews: I was gonna keep them both!

Killface: You - Well, serves you right then!

Season 2

Behold a Dark Horse

Mr. Ford: Well... bad is a relative term.

(On the phone at his office)

Mr. Ford: I said, what you think about global warming? Huh? Well, get a job, you damn hippie! Huh? Aww, fuck you.

(Back to documentary interview)

Mr. Ford: Basically, I just make stuff up and fax it over there.

(cut from Mr. Ford's fax machine to Killface's)

Killface: Oh! Ooh! There's a fax coming!

(Back to documentary interview)

Mr. Ford: Some weeks he doin' good, other weeks, he's not doin'... he's not doin' any good.

---

Killface: (campaign stop at A.M.E. Zion Church, dressed like Michael Vick) Hello, African Zionists. Pleasure to be here, and how about that Jesus Christ, hmm? He's one bad mother--

Churchgoer: You Hush your mouth!

Killface: I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ.

(At apartment)

Killface: We should send them a pie basket.

Dottie: They don't eat pie.

Killface: Yes, they do.

Dottie: Have you ever actually met a black person?

Killface: Of course! Sinn was black.

Dottie: I don't think a servant...

Killface: Indentured servant...technically

Dottie: How did you ever win the primary?

(Shot of Killface on top of bus in ticker-tape parade, banner reading "Thanks Killface. Global Warming Cured")

Killface: Duh.

The Opposition

Xander: Can you even be gay for a robot? [in robot tone] Beep-beep, I am a gay-bot!

Xtacle: ..Y-..you think we're robots?!

Xander: [in robot tone] May I offer you a robot blowjob?

Xtacle: ..this-this is just armor! [clanks helmet]

Xander: Power down gay robot; that is an an earthman order!

Xtacle: Okay, hang on...

[Xtacle takes off helmet, revealing a human head.]

Xander: [Gasp]

Xander: Oh my... god...

Xtacle: That's what I've been saying.

Xander: You look.. so... real!

Xtacle: [exhasperated sigh] Look-

Xander: Can I... touch you?

Xtacle: Kinda prefer you didn't.

Xander: Just be still.

Xtacle: No, hey, come on!

Xander: Feel my touch.

[Xander sucker punches the Xtacle in the face, knocking him unconscious]

---

Xander: So, what's this whole movie deal about Killface?

Camera Man: Actually, he's running for president.

Xander: He's what?! How?!

Camera Man: Yeah, cause when he activated the Anihalatrix, he cured Global Warming.

Xander: Wait, no, I turned it on!

Camera Man: Well, he says he did.

Xander: Son of a BITCH!

Cmaera Man: Yeah, so do cabs ever come by here?

Xander: Well, you know what? If he's running for President, then so am I!

Camera Man: Well, it takes, like, tons and tons of money to run for president.

Xander: [Holds up check containing his billions.] Well, is that enough? Ka-kow!

Camera Man: Hey, when did you get the check back?

Xander: Oh, just right after that whole incident with it blowing away.

[Flashback, Xander comes down from Annihilatrix in elevator]

Xander: Yeah, have fun getting the shit stomped outta you by the Xtacles when I go back to my house to get my Awesome X gear from that hooker who was living there the last time I... [check blows into his face] ...checked.

Xander: Apparently, it's been here the whole time...SUCKERS!!

The Issues

Xander: I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody who's a fighter, Stan. Just a tenacious smashin' bastard.

Stan: Yep.

Xander: He may be a little older...

Stan: Mm-hmmm.

Xander: Maybe a little balder...

Stan: Well...

Xander: But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.

Stan: [pause] I'm sorry?

Xander: Yes, Stan--two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dryer!

Stan: You mean, TV's Hunter?

Xander: He was Hunter?!

---

Xander: You, Grace, do the roar.

Grace: What?

Xander: Roar like the "Team Jaguar" jaguar. [Grace roars quietly] Damn it, you're an apex predator. [Grace roars louder] Yeah! That's how she sounds when I'm bangin' her.

[Talking head]

Grace: I know, I just...can't stay mad at him. I'm gonna have his babies. [Holds up vial labelled "Xander Crews"]

Camera Man: Is that...?

Grace: Uh-huh.

Camera Man: Shouldn't that be in a freezer?

Grace: Sometimes I like to hold them.

The Image Problem

Xander: You think they're looking for us?

Killface: Both presidential candidates lost in a...duck bog? They must be.

[In Killface's apartment, Dottie and Taqu'il watch a NASCAR race]

Taqu'il: Man, I can't believe this.

Dottie: Well, it's not like we can stay out there all night.

Taqu'il: No, I can't believe I've been missing out on this white-knuckle thrill ride. Lookit, Junior's makin' a move!

Dottie: God love him.

Stan: All right, who's ready for another Tom Collins?

Dottie: See, now he gets me.

---

Killface: It's the international, you know, cry for help in the wilderness, bang bang bang, three quick shots.

Xander: Where'd you hear that?

Killface: It was in...oh, God, what was it? There was this whacking great bear...

Xander: Oh, was it that movie The Bear?

Killface: Shut up, no, it was...

Xander: B.J. and the Bear?

Killface: Tony Hopkins was in it.

Xander: Oh, God, is he great?

Killface: I could watch him read the phone book.

Xander: And pay money to see it.

Killface: I'd like to just smell his hair.

The Miracle

Dottie: ...and, as you know, American voters insist on a Christian president.

Killface: That's me. I'm Christian in spades!

Dottie: But you have to be subtle about it.

Killface: I'm subtle in spades!

Taqu'il: They also don't want you to use the word "spades" all the damn time.

---

Xander: (on headline outing Simon) BOOSH! Dude, we have got to jump on this with both feet.

Stan: Nope.

Xander: I want WebTV, I want Bluetube...

Stan: Nope, we leave this one alone.

Xander: Why?

Stan: Because two words: John Kerry.

Xander: Who?

Stan: Exactly.

Xander: [Beat] ...He some sort of famous gay dude?

The Middle

Xander: I do have shortlist of four tentative maybes.

Stan: [grabbing list]] Let's see here...

Xander: Okay, Snatch-mo.

Stan: [reading] Roxanne, the Real Roxanne, Roxanne Shanté, and Salman Rushdie.

Xander: Which...I think it's actually "Salmon."

---

[Fifty minutes after the computer goes down]

Stan: No, what are the last three digits?

Xander: I don't even see the I.P. address.

Stan: It's right up...

Xander: Now I'm thinking of I.P Freely. Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley. Stan, Ace Frehley...

Stan: Oh, for fuck's sake...

Xander: Put him in on list.

Stan: Why is the damn thing turned off?

Xander: You said shut down.

Stan: Momentarily, a half an hour ago!

Xander: Well, I didn't go to computer academy!

Stan: Oh, shut the fuck up!

The Debate, Part One

Wendell: So, yeah. This is, uh... I'm undercover.

Killface: Undercover for what?

Dottie: Uh, aiy... Wendell's volunteered to look into some new fundraising avenues.

Wendell: Yeeeep! Commence Operation: Meth Nazi!

Killface: Operation WHAT?

[Wendell drives off on moped, crashing into glass]

Killface: Wendell!

Wendell: Oi!

Killface: I...don't have a great feeling about this.

Dottie: Oh, grow up. Do you know how many American politicians are funded by the Neo-Nazis?

Killface: Wh...shut up.

Dottie: My God, there's Congressman [bleep], and Senator [bleep], not to mention Vice-[bleep] [bleep].

[Cut to talking head]

Killface: Going to bleep those, I hope.

---

Awesome X: [flying through air with Ronnie on his back] Quit grinding your fucking dick on me!

Ronnie: I cannot find comfort.

Awesome X: How about finding Killface's house?

Ronnie: Okay, but first, guess what.

Awesome X: What?

Ronnie: I feel like hobbit...on eagle.

Awesome X: Well, that's great, Ronnie...

Ronnie: Oh, Bilbo Baggins.

Awesome X: [fuel gauge on wrist reads empty] ...because now you guess what. [Both plummet to ground]

The Debate, Part Two

Clerk: You wanna watch while I call the police?

Wendell: No, wait, I got some money down here in my sock.

Xander: See, he's got sock money.

Wendell: But...

Ronnie: [with ice cream] Here, you lick...with tongue.

Wendell: [with Awesome X mask and gun] You got change for a .38?! [Shoots clerk five times]

Xander: What the fuck, Wendell?!

Wendell: Wendell X.

---

Carter: First question, both candidates--Article Two of the Constitution.

Xander: The what?

Killface: Um... [Lamont quacks]

Xander: Why does he get a spirit animal? I think my buzzer's broken!

Killface: Is that the one about tariffs?

Carter: No, it's the one that says you have to be at least 35 years old and a US citizen in order to be President.

Killface: Well, that can't be right. I'm not even a legal resident.

Xander: And I'm only 33.

Carter: So, follow-up--why are you idiots wasting everybody's time when you can't even be elected?

A Take on Hooper

Doctor: So listen. I can't give you an okay to...

Xander: Stand those pants up.

Doctor: ...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.

Xander: Well, not with that attitude!

Doctor: Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)

Xander: Uh, vaguely, yeah.

Doctor: Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?

Xander: Yeah, that robot with the big tits!

Doctor: No, but that sounds awesome.

Xander: It is!

Doctor: I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.

Xander: That sounds awesome.

Doctor: It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.

Xander: My third-greatest fear!

Doctor: Same basic plot as in the movie.

Xander: God, that sounds awesome.

Doctor: It is.

Xander: But who's gonna stop Hooper?

Doctor: Well, it's already out on DVD.

Xander: No, I mean the robot with the big tits.

Doctor: Really sounds awesome.

Xander: It is.

Doctor: Anyway...

(Wendell, dressed in Awesome X top, delivers a flying kick to the Doctor)

Wendell: I actually have some thoughts on that.

Doctor: Oh my God, now my neck's broken!

---

Wendell: What! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew--

Xander: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ::crash::

Wendell: Oh...I'll get you a new lamp.

Xander: Yeah, that was actually a sconce.

Wendell: Still though...

Xander: Yeah, it's just...I kind of spent a lot of time developing the Awesome X brand.

Wendell: Totally, yeah and it's understandable, you know, you're protective of it.

Xander: And I hate for you to go up there and...

Wendell: I get it.

Xander: ...get your fat ass handed to you.

Wendell: Wow.

Xander: Yeah.

Wendell: You just, ah...went ahead and put it out there.

Xander: Well...

Wendell: Muffin Top X!

Xander: Well...

Wendell: Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.

Xander: Ok, you know what? Yeah, do it.

Wendell: Really?

Xander: Yeah, because either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my ex-girlfriend's womb.

Wendell: Um...

Xander: Cause ah, you know, big picture, child support...

Wendell: You gonna...

Xander: I'm not saying perform an abortion...

Wendell: Oh my god...

Xander: But, let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.

Wendell: Could maybe stab her in the belly if I had a machete.

Xander: Well...your words.

Wendell Goes Undercover Again

[baby kicks in Antagone's womb]

Deceptatacle #1: Whoa! Oh my god, that is adorable!

Antagone: He's really getting worked up!

Deceptatacle #2: Oh yeah, definitely some activity down here.

Antagone: Can you see him, is he crowning?

Deceptatacle #2: I don't know or care what that means.

Antagone: He's gonna come soon, I can feel it!

Deceptatacle #2: You can feel that?

---

Xander: Mmm, yeah I'm gonna pass... on that... because it is retarded! Wendell!

Wendell: Yes?

Xander: Go kill that baby, buddy.

Scientist: Now there's a movie I haven't seen.

Xander: Uhh Vera Drake?

Scientist: Didn't see it.

Xander: It's... for an abortion movie? Pretty funny.

Scientist: Let's rent it.

Xander: Done! All abort! Toot toot!

Cody Gains a Namesake

Deceptacle #1: All right, let me get this straight. You're saying that Steve guy and the crab-man killed Sinn.

Val: Yeah, then put me in her armor to make it look like I did it...

Deceptacle #2: Damn, that Steve's crafty.

Val: ...then took off with the bug-lady to give birth in a secret location.

Deceptacle #1: They're probably starting an ant-baby machete-squad splinter group! (All Decepticles gasp)

Val: Steve mentioned that.

---

Wendell: Big push, big push! Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop!

Antagone: What?!

Wendell: I'm gonna throw up. (Hovers to bathroom)

Antagone: Get back here!

Wendell: (in bathroom, having vomited) Do you have any Scope?

Antagone: Get your fat ass back here!

Differences Are Put Slightly Aside

Killface: What on earth are you wearing?

Xander: It's a halo, idiot! Not grab bars.

Killface: Are those underoos?

Xander: I'm Awesome X!

Killface: Oh...

Xander: Ta-da.

Killface: I don't...know if I ever knew that. (Simon mumbles) Oh, you don't even know if you're gay or not.

Xander: Snip-snap.

Killface: Snip-snap, indeed.

---

Deceptacle #1: Aw yeah, get 'em in there! (Kicks barrel of mini-cobs into pool) Can't have a clambake without corn.

Deceptacle #2: Can we have one without clams?

Deceptacle #1: Okay, uh...this is now Lowcountry boil.

Deceptacle #2: Yeah, I still think that has clams.

Deceptacle #1: Well, I'm sorry the prison food truck didn't have a fresh load of quahogs, but let's still give it up to Curtis for lettin' us hijack it!