Robot Chicken (season 5)

The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of Robot Chicken.

Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special [5.1]

Head Executive: So, to sum up, we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola.

Executive: I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters!

[The executives laugh]

Larry: Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears?

[The executives laugh some more, until Santa Claus barges into the room with a grumpy look on his face; the room fall silent]

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up.

Head Executive: Uh, who are you?

Santa Claus: Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. [points to the executive 3 times] Make. Me. Laugh. [beat] Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?!

Larry: N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that!

Santa Claus: Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? [pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]

Larry: How did you know that?

Santa Claus: I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. [takes off his coat] And I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means, Larry?! [whispers] I know you're a [bleep]ing thief!

[Santa attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it]

Santa Claus: [puts his coat back on] I'll expect my check in the mail. [moves the door which reveals three more scared executives who gasped] You [bleep]ers can spell North Pole, can't ya? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears... [pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag] Think again. Ho ho ho! [smiles at the executives]

[We start looking out at a cave. Caveman Santa Claus is putting rocks on bows. Caveman Santa Claus smiled. Then the Cave Girl enters the cave, rubbing her eyes. Then she sees Caveman Santa, who turns around. As he shushes her quietly, the Cave Girl started screaming. Caveman Santa Claus tries to stop the Cave Girl from screaming loudly, but he couldn't. Then two Caveman parents enter the cave. The Caveman Dad who holds a stick, is really angry. Caveman Santa Claus convinces the Caveman Dad that he's delivering rocks for Christmas, and gives himself a jolly laugh. But the Caveman Dad looks really mad. Caveman is ready to kill Caveman Santa Claus with a stick. The Cave Mom and the Cave Girl run for their lives, screaming as the Caveman Dad started killing Caveman Santa Claus. He then picked his brain up. Then we cut to the bedroom as the mom tucks her daughter up with the covers]

Mother: And that's the story of the very first Christmas.

Daughter: Wait a minute, Mama. How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa?

Mother: Hmm. You're right. [we cut to outside where she is putting presents in the trash can on fire] No Santa, no Christmas. no Christmas presents.

Daughter: [crying] Awwww!

Mother: Oh, you really would've liked this one.

Daughter: Awwww!

[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]

Kevin: When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. [we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared] Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. [back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor] Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... [in the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate] ...check. [back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands] Safe and sound. [falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose] The fire!

[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]

Kate: [crying] Oh, my baby...

Harry: We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay?

[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]

[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]

Boys: [singing] Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its-

[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]

Dougie: [surprised] Batman?!

[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]

Batman: Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot.

Robin: [sarcastically] Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem.

Batman: [sniffs under his armpits] Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? [grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard] I can't hear you. [throws Dougie back to his friends]

Dougie: [starting to cry] I want my mommy!

Batman: Yeah, me too. [high-fives with Robin]

Robin: [steps forward] I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. [suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks] You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any [bleep]ing eggs in there?! [lets Dougie go]

Boy: We gotta go! Run! Get out of here!

[The three boys start to run down the street]

Robin: They're getting away, Batman!

Batman: Not on my watch. [presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over] The rats are scattering.

Robin: [pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it] Holy, these mother[bleep]ers aren't going anywhere! [throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]

[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]

Boy: [desperately] Sorry!

Robin: You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry!

[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]

Music Teacher: And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep]ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top.

[Kyle is busy putting plastic propellers on biplane toys. His first thought is cocking his rifle. His second thought his blasting one of the elves with his rifle. And his last thought is stabbing Santa in the stomach. Then one of the elves appeared next to him as his thoughts vanished]

Elf: [to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break?

Kyle: [pause] Yes.

Elf: Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...?

Billy: [in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?

Billy's Dad: Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.

Billy: Does he always live in the North Pole?

Billy's Dad: Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.

[Cut back to Billy and his dad]

Billy: Wow! Tell me more about Santa!

Billy's Dad: Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.

[Cut to Santa at the studio]

Santa Claus: [recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.

[Cut back to Billy and his dad]

Billy: He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?

Billy's Dad: Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.

[Cut back to Billy and his dad]

Billy: Santa's the coolest!

Billy's Dad: He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]

Billy: Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.

[As Billy's dad closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]

Billy's Dad: [memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.

[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]

Narrator: The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.

Boy 1: Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.

Boy 2: Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.

Boy 1: What earthquake?

Boy 2: Exactly, bitch!

Superman: [flies down] Kids! Kids! Take it easy.

Boys: [surprised] Superman!

Superman: It's not important who's fastest.

Boy 1: Spoken like a true puss.

Superman: [insulted] What did you [bleep]ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little [bleep]ing turd?! [knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand] You come at me! You come at me like a [bleep]ing man! [smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]

Boy 2: [laughing] I've got to blog about the [bleep] that just went down right here!

[At the North Pole]

Santa Claus: Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? [laughs]

Elf: So, who is the fastest, Santa?

Santa Claus: [laughs] That's not important.

Elf: Spoken like a true puss.

Santa Claus: [insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth] We doing this, blue balls?!

Superman: You got that right, Saint Dick! [cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world] Hey! No fair using reindeer!

Santa Claus: [sarcastically] Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you [bleep]ing alien!

[The boy shoots a gun where Superman and Santa race. And after hours, Santa and Superman are then seen racing over the finish line at the exact same time, surprising everyone]

Elf Spectator: It's a tie!

Boy 2: What a complete and total waste of everybody's time!

Flash: Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.

Crowd: Booo!!!

[The Flash speeds off]

Superman: [laugh] Sorry we took so long, folks.

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. [opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]

Superman: Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently!

Santa Claus: Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.

[Everyone cheered]

Superman: I think they're buying it. Bump it.

Santa Claus: [fist bumps with Superman] Anticipated.

Superman: Up up and away.

Lex Luthor: [waking up] What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and-

Superman: Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor? Not on my watch.

Lex Luthor: [confused] What? Weaponiz-

[Santa Claus slams the door in Lex Luthor's face before the two high five and smile at the camera. During the credits, Santa and Superman are seen doing what they really did when they had the race]

Saving Private Gigli [5.2]

Matthew Senreich: [during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [is shot down]

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!

Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 [5.4]

Doctor: Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.

Kramer vs. Showgirls [5.5]

[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing "American Pie", the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]

Announcer: And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.

Woody: OK guys, Andy's almost home from college for Spring break!

[All the toys cheer]

Slinky: How would they celebrate a spring breakin'? That's the saddest time for me.

[The other toys laugh]

Woody: Oh, Slink.

Buzz: Silly canine.

Mr. Potato Head: What a freakin' jerk.

Rex: Andy's here!

[Music plays]

Sarge: All right ladies, single file, front and center! [all the toys line up for Andy's arrival] Commander-in-chief on the premises!

Soldier: You mean Obama?

[Music stops]

Sarge: He's not my president.

[The door flies open as Andy comes in, carrying and kissing his girlfriend]

Slinky: [gets tangled around Andy's leg] TELL MY STORY! [gets kicked aside sending him flying with an off-screen crash sound effect]

Woody: [whispers] Etch, what's going on up there?

[Etch draws a diagram of what appears to be doggy-style intercourse off-screen, causing all of the toys to gross out. Rex vomits into Mr. Potato Head's body, making his eyes pop out in streams of vomit]

Buzz: You gotta help that girl, Sarge!

Sarge: Oh, God! She won't stop screaming! What does "[bleep] my [bleep]ing box dry" even mean?!

Andy: This is awesome! [continues kissing]

[As the sounds of kissing stop, Rex nervously looks up at the bed and gets a used condom on his face]

Rex: Oh! [tries to get it off, but accidentally knocks himself out when he runs into a chest of drawers] Oof!

Andy: [opens a drawer on his bedside table and searches for something] Aw, dammit! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm.

Woody: [shocked] His favorite toy!?

Andy: [picks up Buzz from beside the bed] Time to improvise.

Buzz: Aah!

[Sawing and other noises are heard]

Woody: [looks up in confusion and dismay] What's he doing with Buzz?

Andy: Yes! And ready for a test drive.

[Bubbling sounds]

Mr. Potato Head: [shocked as well] He didn't. Not Buzz...

Andy: [inhaling] To infinity and beyond! [puts down Buzz, now revealed to have been turned into a makeshift bong. His helmet is smashed, his eyes are half-lidded, and the scalp of his head is gone. Smoke is coming out from his head and from a pipe wedged into his crotch; exhaling; intoxicated] Domino, mother(Bleep)er! [laughs] Buzzed by Buzz! [laughs]

Woody: [nervously] Buzz? You okay?

Buzz: [in his goofy voice] Hello, Woody! [gasps] Do you know what my daddy did? Poop! He pooped! ♪ Boop-de-doop doop boop! ♪ [dances stupidly] Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants. [falls backwards]

Woody: [catches Buzz] It's okay, pal. We're here for ya.

[Cut to sunset, with Woody lying Buzz in a cardboard bed]

Buzz: And the farmer, he hauls, another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load!

Woody: [holding back tears] Good night, sweet prince.

Buzz: We gonna play tomorrow?

Woody: [pretending to be happy] You bet, pal. You bet. [picks up a pillow]

Buzz: [weak last words] To infinity...

[Woody forces the pillow over Buzz's head, and starts suffocating Buzz with it, and exhausting it straight through his damaged head, and into the receptors of his buttons. Buzz tries to scream again, but he is out of breath from screams from the earlier suffocating. After Buzz stops struggling and falls limp, Woody removes the pillow, and looks at Buzz's dead corpse]

Woody: [remorsefully] ...And beyond. [starts to cry]

[Screen cuts to static and cut to the arbuckle home]

Jon: Garfield, we have some bad news.

Garfield: Oh, someone got A case of the mondays?

Jon: You have Type-2 Diabetes.

Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6]

Tarzan: Tarzan love Jane.

Jane: I love you too, Tarz-

Tarzan: But, Tarzan not in love with Jane.

Doug: So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?

Man: We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA.

[A shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]

Girl: [gasps] A Teddy Ruxpin! He can play any tape and he moves his mouth along with the words! [gasps again] Thanks, Uncle Gallagher!

Gallagher: Let’s try it out. I've got a copy of my stand up special "Melon Crazy".

[Teddy comes to life and runs from Gallagher. Jumping the coffee table. Turning at the painting of a melon dodging Gallagher again who crashes into the stand. Teddy then is seen running towards the fireplace before dodging Gallagher’s melon hammer. Teddy lands on the coffee table breaking the glass this time. Gallagher catches Teddy and slams him against the wall. Gallagher pulls the tape from his pocket allowing Teddy to fall to the floor. Gallagher tries to force the tape into Teddy but Teddy deflects every jab. Teddy finally kicks the tape away. Both Teddy and Gallagher jump for the tape but it gets knocked away. Teddy finally gets a cyanide capsule and bites it]

Gallagher: NO! He's got a cyanide capsule. [Teddy starts foaming at the mouth] Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape. [Teddy dies] He's, uh, he's gone. Ah, we'll have to listen to it in the living room. [the girl gasps and pulls out a cyanide capsule and tries to bite it, but Gallagher stops her] NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7]

[At the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: [burst the kitchen door open] Krabby Patties are made out of CRABS!!!

[The customers gasped; the green fish retches, spits]

Mr. Krabs: [nervous chuckle] Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.

SpongeBob: Then explain this! [holds out box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor, but this is his tattoo! [holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]

Mr. Krabs: [grabs him] You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!

SpongeBob: And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are SQUID!!! [Squidward vomits] And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!!!

[The yellow fish pushes bowl out of reach; the angry customers got up and cornered Mr. Krabs]

Green Fish: You fed us to us!

Orange Fish: [points at Mr. Krabs] We gotta pay you to kill us?!

SpongeBob: You're disgusting!

Mr. Krabs: No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all sea creatures, boys and girls. Eating the Krabby Patties is what they intended.

[The customers beat up Mr. Krabs; camera pans away to SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.

[At the hospital, an extrememly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side]

Nurse: Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. [begins scrubbing with a sponge]

SpongeBob: [pushes scene aside] I SAID NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE!

Nurse: Ugh, hope that's pudding in there...

Ernest: [opens the windows and sniffs the air] Ahh, wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and... [suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger] Oh, and how I lived to see this day. [pulls out a horn and blows it]

[The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor]

Keebler Elf 1: [nervously] Are you sure, Ernest?

Ernest: Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.

Cookie Monster: [off-screen] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp again before he popped out of the bushes] COOKIE!!!

[Some of the soldiers screamed in terror]

Ernest: Hold! [the soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers] Hold! [the soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers] Hold! [runs off, but bumped into one of the elves] I owed him overtime.

Keebler Elf 2: Bu-Bu-But you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.

Cookie Monster: [chases them both] Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! [Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times] Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!

Keebler Elf 3: I didn't sign up for this, I just wanted to make cookies!

Keebler Elf 4: I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!

Cookie Monster: [crashes through the door] COOKIE!!!! [grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, and he screams. The elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]

Keebler Elf 5: Now, give the monster what he wants!

Keebler Elf 6: Diabetes?

Keebler Elf 5: Good comment on modern culture, but no. Cookies!

[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]

Keebler Elf 7: Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit! [Buckets laughs] Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [chuckles] Fudge.

Cookie Monster: [through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...

[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheered with joy. Then we cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing]

Cookie Monster's mommy: [crying] They didn't know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.

Lawyer: It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!

Judge Brown: Order please! Order! The court fines in favor of Keebler Incorporated. [to Cookie Monster's mommy] I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Cookie Monster's mommy: [shocked] Me son is dead and you make pun?! ME KILL YOU! ME [BLEEP]ING KILL YOU!! [eats Judge Brown's head, killing him]

[Two police officers step in and shoot her to death]

Schindler's Bucket List [5.8]

[We start with Strawberry Shortcake in her house, congratulating Baby-Needs-A-Name for getting a pet of her own, which resembles a lavender hippopotamus covered in light green dots]

Strawberry Shortcake: Baby-Needs-A-Name, your wish came true! [Baby-Needs-A-Name claps her hands] You have a pet of your berry own!

Baby-Needs-A-Name: Yes, Strawberry Shortcake, but I have another wish. I want to have a name of my berry own, too!

Strawberry Shortcake: We should give you a name soon, and not leave it open to debate! Strawberryland is berry sheltered, but it's a big world out there, and others might have berry different opinions about what constitutes an appropriate name.

Baby-Needs-A-Name: I'm not worried!

Strawberry Shortcake: Well, I'm just saying- [but at that moment, Bitch Pudding slams Strawberry Shortcake's front door open] Oh. Hello, Bitch Pudding.

Bitch Pudding: Wassup, hoes? [then slowly walks to the refrigerator and drags her finger on the dusty table along the way. She sighs, opens the refrigerator, grabs a strawberry soda, kicks the refrigerator closed, takes a sip, and slowly walks out of Strawberry Shortcake's house]

Strawberry Shortcake: [relieved] Whew! [to Baby-Needs-A-Name] Anyway, I'm sure that one day, someone will give you a name.

Bitch Pudding: [crashes through the window feet first back into Strawberry Shortcake's house] BLAM! [to Baby-Needs-A-Name, cutting Strawberry Shortcake off and flipping her off] Your name is [Bleep]face! You [bleep]ing [bleep]face! BLAM! [Bleep]face! BLAM! [Bleep]face! BLAM, bitches! DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!!! BITCH PUDDING! [exits the house, but not before prying the door open once more to knock over Strawberry Shortcake's teapot with her raised middle finger]

Strawberry Shortcake: [groans in exasperation] I am so sorry! I think she has Asperger's or something, but, don't take it personally, Baby-Needs-A-Name.

Baby-Needs-A-Name: No, no. Call me [Bleep]face!

Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am!

Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die!

[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. Then he threw some floaties on the hot coals. The scene then dissolves straight to Gonzo's funeral with bagpipes playing in the background]

Kermit: Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Steve Martin: The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down-

Miss Piggy: [interrupting] Oh, are we burying him in a Sybian?

[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin]

Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died was-

Steve Martin:: [interrupting] Excuse me?

Fozzie: Don't you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?

Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral. I'm working! Do I come to where you work and knock the [bleep] outta your mouth?!

Kermit: Wow, Steve's working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about "that night".

[The Muppets look at Scooter, who waved at them. Cut to Fozzie's room]

Fozzie: And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka!

Hooded Killer: [sarcastically] Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red?

Fozzie: I don't know, stranger.

Hooded Killer: Because he was embearrassed!

Fozzie: [deadpan clapping] Wocka, wocka.

Hooded Killer: Then how about this, because I [bleep]ing stabbed you?! [stabs Fozzie]

Fozzie: [came onto the stage in pain] What a show stopper... [falls onto the stage floor]

Statler: See? I told you that bear was gonna die onstage tonight.

[Statler and Waldorf laugh]

Fozzie: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?!

Waldorf: You're an ambulance.

[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage. We cut to the backstage where Kermit and Miss Piggy watched the physicians rolled Fozzie's dead corpse on the stretcher away]

Kermit: First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did to-?

Miss Piggy: [interrupting] Don't say that name, Kermie.

Kermit: [sarcastically] Oh, Miss Piggy's telling me what to do! Wow, hey, everybody! Come on over here! You gotta come and see this! Piggy's telling me what to do! WOW, MUST BE A DAY THAT ENDS WITH "Y"!!!! [sees Scooter, who is carrying some props] Oh hey, uh, Scooter?

Scooter: Oh, hey there, boss.

Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter's death.

Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident-

Kermit: [interrupting] You know, I'm gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.

[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]

Baby Kermit: Let's play "The Little Mermaid"!

Baby Fozzie: Let's question Kermit's sexuality. Wocka wocka!

Baby Scooter: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. [leaves]

Baby Skeeter: What a nerd.

Baby Piggy: [clears throat] Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".

Baby Skeeter: Mermaids aren't fat! [shoved Piggy, who was offended]

Baby Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you wanna take my advice for once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away.

[Skeeter slapped Kermit away]

Baby Fozzie: Nanny! Skeeter's hitting us again!

Baby Kermit: [sarcastically] Yeah, who's the homo now?

[Skeeter tackled Fozzie with many punches, until Kermit knocked her unconscious onto the pool with a wagon, leaving 4 Muppet Babies in shock]

Baby Kermit: [whispered to them] If we do this thing, it's our secret forever.

[All Muppet Babies agree and Kermit drowned Skeeter in the pool]

All Muppet Babies: NANNY!!!!

[Back to present]

Scooter: [shocked] You killed my sister?!

Kermit: Yeah, it was 60% self-defense, but we're kind of burying the lead here. WE THINK SKEETER'S COMING BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR REVENGE!!!!!

Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…

[Scooter becomes Skeeter (I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter), and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear]

Scooter/Skeeter: [attacks Kermit with a knife] Fifteen seconds till your death!

Miss Piggy: HIIII-YAH! [misses and whacked herself into the wall] Wuh!

Scooter/Skeeter: Here it comes. Showtime!

Camilla: [clucking, subtitled] Get away from her, you bitch!

Scooter/Skeeter: You can't shoot me! Chickens don't even have fingers! [Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head] Oooooooooh! [falls over, dead]

Steve Martin: [chuckling] That bit never gets old. [does a silly dance]

Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10]

The Joker: [laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Beware, Gotham City, NOTHING can stop...The Joker!

[Batman immediately swoops in, giving the Joker a few kicks, and starts graphically beating him up into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]

Batman: No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!

The Joker: Then I guess that means I win! I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail! Rinse and repeat-

Batman: Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm...

[Scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]

Judge: And with the accepted go-to by Batman... [aside glance] Thank you, Batman. [addressing the people] The court has decided on the death penalty! [bangs his gavel]

Batman: [to Joker] It's, uh, it's out of my hands.

[We cut to the electric chair where the Joker is strapped in]

Commissioner Gordon: Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?

The Joker: [in an almost sincere voice] I know Jesus has forgiven me.

Police Officer: Is that a joke?

The Joker: [sobbing] No!

Police officer: Here we go! [then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and the Joker starts to become violently electrocuted] That's not right. [puts on maximum power]

Commissioner Gordon: Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!

The Joker: [as he's still being electrocuted] [BLEEP] YOU, DORK KNIGHT!

[Everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]

Police Officer: Oh, oh.

[He and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]

Commissioner Gordon: [nervously backing away] I didn't know-I-I didn't know...

Batman: Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?

Commissioner Gordon: [somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips him, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off] Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon!

[A game of Contra is being played, with the Konami Code being entered for extra lives. One of the characters is shot down]

Contra Guy: No!! Damn you Contra bastards! [pauses] Or are we the Contras? I never got that.

[The other character is brought back]

Contra Guy: Blue Pants! You're alive?!

Other Contra Guy: Guess so. Maybe we're immortal?

Contra Guy: Let's find out!

[The first Contra guy goes up and gets shot down, then brought back to life]

Both: [high-fiving each other] Groundhog Day, mother[bleep]ers!

Other Contra Guy: [grabs a grenade] Ooh, what's this? A message in a bottle? Oh no! It's a grenade. Go tell my family that- Oh, wait, I'm immortal [bleep]ers! Run for the hills! [the grenade explodes and he dies, but DOES NOT respond]

Contra Guy: What? No! What kind of sick [bleep] gives a man exactly thirty lives? [is shot down, and a Game Over screen appears]

Nerd: [to his computer] Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I [starts falling asleep] love you more than-any-individual-family member.

Beastmaster and Commander [5.11]

Justin Beiber: [singing in a comedically terrible Auto-Tune voice] Woooah, I'm crushing on crushes. Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boys [Game Boys.] And I'm feeling so highhhh [Feeling so high, girl.] I like Skittles, Sk-Skittles, Skittles, Skittles.

Director: And cut! [turns towards the producer] This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on.

Producer: Edgy?

Director: Yeah. A young lesbian, proud of who she is, and singing about it; awesome.

Producer: That's a little boy!

[The Director drops his megaphone in disbelief]

[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, which of course is barely understood by the audience due to the usual "wah-wah-wah" style most Peanuts adults speak in]

Charlie Brown: Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here.

Lucy: You'll always be the [bleep] catcher, Charlie Brown!

Sally: Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo!

Linus: [rolls his eyes] Oh, brother!

[A new kid named Ren struts in]

Ren: Hey everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormick.

Sally: [pushes Linus away] Hello!!

Charlie Brown: You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production.

Ren: I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. [silence] You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. [silence, then sighs] I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose. [still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance] Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen.

Pigpen: Excuse me?

Ren: Sorry, [bleep]-box...

Pigpen: It's Pigpen.

Ren: Sorry.

Pigpen: It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best.

Ren: You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is that guy even doing?

[Cuts to the kid dancing the running man]

Kid: I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!!

Ren: Sorry, I need to get the [bleep] out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. [leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]

Ren's Classmate: Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional!

Ren: Alright!

Ren's Classmate: Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks.

Ren: [stops dancing] Rats!

[The "Bloopers!" logo shows up, and then the host walks onto the screen, moving it out of view]

Bloopers Host: Are you ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? Well, unfortunately, those hilarious clips have to be licensed, which cost money, which is in short supply since our CPA liquidated our assets and blew town to go feast on Thai school boys. [audience laughs] So instead, here are some hilarious clips from my very own life!

[The first blooper is of the host [as a kid] and his father watching TV, which shows a singing woman named Boy George]

Bloopers Host as a child: Daddy, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry that pretty singer. She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen! [but in objection, his father jumps up to start whipping him with his belt] No, Daddy, don't!

Bloopers Host's Father: Her first name is Boy, dill-weed! [his son runs into the kitchen] You come back here! This is homo kryptonite, son!

[Cut back to the present host]

Bloopers Host: You might say my balls were scared straight. [audience laughs again] This next clip really made me the butt of the joke. [points to his behind as he says this]

[The Bloopers Host is seen at a small bar in Mexico, cheering as he munches on a taco, which he mistakes for a burrito]

Teenage Bloopers Host: This burrito is spicy! [chugs down a glass of water] Nothing beats Mexican tap water. [stomach starts to groan, making him hold it in pain] That was probably a mistake.

[We cut to the host defecating in a restroom on the toilet, looking more and more stressed as he does. As we move by several shots of him, they get faster and faster until his diarrhea can no longer fit in the toilet and bursts out, leaving it splattered across the room and the toilet in pieces. Afterwards, we go back to the host during the present]

Bloopers Host: My asshole is still fifty percent scar tissue. [spins around, making the audience laugh some more] Between Montezuma's revenge and Boy George, it was gonna happen one way...or another.

[The next clip is of the host and a friend of his at a party, where a fat girl balances a plate of food on her chest]

Friend: Aw, come on, man. You've gotta cash in that V card sometime. You're the only virgin I know, bro.

College Bloopers Host: Mmm, yeah, but she's so...

Friend: Dude, it's starter pussy! You'll work your way up the food chain; I promise.

[We cut to the host in bed with the fat girl, indicating that they have just had sex]

College Bloopers Host: [groans] Geez, sorry. It was my first time.

Fat Girl: Yeah, you said that. I've got an early class, so...

College Bloopers Host: [holding up a wrapped condom] Probably a bit late to put this on, huh?

Fat Girl: [panicked and angry] You didn't put-?! Oh, my God! [we flip to sometime later, where the host opens the door to see her again] And I'm pregnant.

College Bloopers Host: [confused] How can you tell?

[We cut back to the present host]

Bloopers Host: Well, that's all the time I have. Yep, it's goodbye to the Bloopers Host. You might say, "Time is up." [takes out two swords] For my next trick, I'll need an assistant. Please welcome my pregnant 13-year-old daughter, Stephanie. That's right! I was such a good parent, God is bumping me to grandparent status way ahead of schedule.

Stephanie: [frustrated, grabbing one sword] Dad, my ankles hurt! Please drive me home.

Bloopers Host: Just as soon as Daddy commits Hara-Kiri, honey. So when I disembowel myself, you cut my head off with the katana!

Stephanie: [sighs] I'll be in the car. [leaves]

[The audience laugh, insulting the host]

Bloopers Host: Stop mocking me. [from his point of view, there is no audience on the seats, but we can hear louder laughs, making him almost cry] Stop mocking me! [is about to stab himself]

Stephanie: [off-screen] Dad!

Bloopers Host: Coming! [drops the sword and walks out of the studio with a frustrated look on his face]

[Lastly, we cut to Stephanie all alone with the title: "Stephanie Miscarried" underneath her; then the same German biplane from the sketch "Ren McCormack" flies by and riddles the still frame of her mid-section with bullet holes that spell out: "THE END", concluding the episode]

The Departy Monster [5.13]

Princess Peach: Mother, Father, this is my boyfriend Mario.

Queen: Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari-oh!, Did a pig [bleep] out a dead fetus in here?

Mario: [sniffs] Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a your forgiveness. I come-a here through the sewer line.

Princess Peach: Mario's a plumber.

King: So he commutes through human waste?

Princess Peach: And he's Italian.

King: Oh, okay. Say no more.

[Cut to the Royal Living Room, Mario searches for something in a sofa]

Queen: Did you lose something, Mario?

Mario: Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! [holds up a coin]

Queen: [chuckles] Yes, in OUR sofa.

[Mario puts the coin in his pocket]

King: And there it goes.

[Cut to the Royal Dinner Room]

Mario: So I says, "Eh, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels - They ain't the same thing!" [laughs]

Queen: [sarcastically] Mmm, another clogged toilet story. What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup.

Mario: [shocked] Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! [sneezes, and grows bigger]

Princess Peach: Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon.

Mario: I'm so sorry. I have a few allergies. [slides towards the wall and bumps into a flower] Mama mia! Flowers! [sneezes, turns into Fire Mario and starts to sneeze fireballs. One hits the drapes, and one the Queen's dress]

Queen: Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes!

King: Both equally dusty.

Mario: Ay-yi-yi! [sneezes]

[When sneezing, Mario accidentally bumps into a Koopa shell which bumps into three blocks. We then hear the Game Over music as the castle goes under]

[We see Frodo and Sam at the cracks of Mount Doom. Frodo is about to throw the One Ring into the fire]

Samwise Gamgee: Throw it in the fire, Mr. Frodo!

Frodo Baggins: No! The ring is mine, Sam! [puts the ring on his finger, which makes him invisible]

Gollum: [appears and jumps on the invisible Frodo] My precious! Give us back my precious! [starts to bite on the invisible penis, mistaken it as Frodo's finger, starts sucking it up, and spits it out] Bleh! We found hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious?

Frodo Baggins: [while being invisible] It's there. It's-It's just further back. [Gollums tries again, and starts choking again] It's there. Yeah, right there.

Gollum: But it's stuck.

Frodo Baggins: You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet. [Gollum tries again, and gags] You're almost there. Just a little more. [Gollum starts sucking it all up] Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes! The Shire!

Gollum: [spits everything out, gags, and cries] Where's precious?!

Frodo Baggins: [becoming visible again, and hands Gollum the ring] Here. You've earned it.

Gollum: [takes the ring] My precious! [laughs, puts on the ring, which also makes him invisible for a moment, then takes it out and drops it on the ground] Oh? [kicks the ring with his foot to Frodo] Whoopsie! If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we?

Frodo Baggins: Mm-hmm.

Some Like It Hitman [5.14]

[During Transfiguration lessons at Hogwarts]

McGonagall: Alright, students, spells ready? Begin. Miss Granger.

Hermione: Orchideous!

McGonagall: Mr. Potter.

Harry: Orchideous!

McGonagall: Mr. Longbottom.

Neville: Orc-uh...Orc-uh...Orc-hoo-dious. [his arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat his face]

McGonagall: What happened?

Hermione: His spell! He was only off by one syllable!

McGonagall: Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful.

[School bell rings, cut to Snape's lesson in potions class downstairs in the dungeons]

Snape: Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands. [the students just look at him and not doing anything] Well? What are you waiting for?

Ron: We usually don't start until you insult Harry.

Snape: Am I really that predictable? Very well. Potter, you fool!

[The students start to mix potions]

Ron: [after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]

Hermione: How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?

Ron: Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes, killing him]

Hermione: Professor Snape, what happened?

Snape: He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.

Harry: He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!

Hermione: This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?

Snape: Uh...Potter, you fool?

[Cut to McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom]

McGonagall: Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines.

[No students are in the classroom]

Snape: Uh...Where are all the students?

[Cut to the American school]

Harry: Hey...Where's Hermione?

Girl: Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook!

Teacher: Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself.

[All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms]

[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]

Lumiere: [sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.

Cogsworth: Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation!

[A chamber pot appears]

Defecacci: [butting in] Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace.

After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.

Lumiere: [pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-

Defecacci: Then come meet your chamber pot...

Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!

Defecacci: What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!

Lumiere: None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!

Defecacci: Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-

Lumiere: [angrily] I said, people are EATING!

Defecacci: [bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...

Lumiere: OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?

[Cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]

Defecacci: Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.

Belle: [in disgust] Does everything have to be a [bleep]ing song?!

Mr. Phillipson: [discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy [bleep]! You're a duck!

Della Duck: That's right, baby! Now why don't cha ruffle my tail feathers?

[Mr. Phillipson looks at della's butt]

Mr. Phillipson: Why are you, a duck?! Oh my God!

Della Duck: I'm what you ordered.

Mr. Phillipson: I did NOT order a duck!

Della Duck: I'm not sure how they could have misunderstood that request.

Mr. Phillipson: Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cell phone connection?!

Della Duck: [sighs] Well, fine. But you are still going to have to pay me for your time.

Mr. Phillipson: Ah, I don't know why I need to pay to not [bleep] a cartoon duck. Normally, not [bleep] a [bleep] duck is [bleep] free.

Della Duck: [dials her cell phone] We have a problem.

Mr. Phillipson: Who are you calling?

[Della's bodyguard bursts in]

Stedman: [in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we got some sort of problem?

Mr. Phillipson: Look, I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end...

Stedman: Just pay the duck!

Mr. Phillipson: Whoa, it's not fair! I shouldn't have to pay- [starts getting beaten up]

Della Duck: Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!

The Core, The Thief, The Wife, and his Lover [5.15]

[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]

Kratos: I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]

Artemis: [voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!

Kratos: Uh, one of them's a dude.

Artemis: What's the problem? You're in Greece.

Kratos: I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE!

Artemis: Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.

Kratos: [thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty...I could not turn that down.

Artemis: We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.

Kratos: What? Who do you think I am?!

Artemis: We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.

Kratos: Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.

Artemis: I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.

Kratos: Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?

Artemis: Only as long as I need to.

The Curious Case of the Box [5.17]

Dora: [as she and Boots are climbing Mt. Everest] My name is Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.

Dora: [quickly sees Swiper, stopping him] Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!

Swiper: [freezing up] B-but Dora, I'm dying! I have severe altitude sickness!

Dora: [pulls down her scarf to reveal a grin on her face and points to it] See this face?

Swiper: Y-Yes?

Dora: This is my not-giving-a-f-[bleep] face!

Dora: [holding up her gloved hand] Here's another choice for you. Guess which finger? I hope you guessed the one that means f-[bleep] you!

[Dora and Boots make it across the drop via a zip line. Boots climbs onto the other side when Diego appears on the opposite one.]

Diego: Dora! Boots!

Dora: Diego!

Diego: I’m coming, too!

[Diego jumps and clings onto the rope halfway between the two sides, but due to his weight, the pole that holds one side of the rope begins to break off.]

Diego: [frightened] Wh- what was that?

[The pole starts to break off a bit more.]

Diego: Dora!

Dora: Where is your safety harness?

[Swiper appears on the other side of the drop, apparently having stolen Diego’s harness.]

Swiper: Payback’s a bitch!

Dora: We did it! [the Fiesta Trio jump up from nowhere and celebrate with them, but suddenly get totally frozen! Dora grabs one of the members and eats him, gushing green blood out and making Boots gasp] I'm an explorer. Food is food. [grabs another one and eats him as Boots watches in shock. We then cut to the duo walking back down the mountain to see Swiper right where they left him; Swiper is now shivering and frostbitten all over]

Swiper: [shivering] H-H-Help...m-m-me...

Dora: [whispers] Got you something. [puts a gun in Swiper's hand with it pointing to his head]

Swiper: [pulls the trigger twice, but the gun just clicks; whispers back] You bitch! [Dora pulls her scarf down and grins at him; She and Boots walk on, again leaving Swiper all alone. He looks off into the distance and sees the Grim Reaper coming towards him through the blizzard] R-R-Reaper, no r-r-reaping...R-R-Reaper, no reaping...Reaper-

Grim Reaper: Doom! [walks closer to him and pokes him on the head, killing him instantly, and a ghastly scream is heard. The Grim Reaper then chuckles in happiness to end the sketch]

Jesus: [Grim Reaper has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!

Grim Reaper: Did it!

Jesus: You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!

God: Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to-Super Heaven.

Jesus: What?!

Gladys: [playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!

Fool's Goldfinger [5.19]

[We start with Alistair Cooke from "Masterpiece Theater" explaining about J.R.R. Tolkien to the audience]

Alistar Cooke: When "Lord of the Rings" author, J.R.R. Tolkien, passed on, many thought Middle Earth had come to an end. But recently, researchers found a half-finished manuscript, a sequel to "Lord of the Rings". When, on direct orders from Tolkien's will, his 6-year old grandson, J.R.R. Tolkien Jr., Jr., finished the novel, and the movie was made, fans hoped Middle Earth would rise again! Now here, we present a never before seen sneak peek of "Lord of the Rings: The Final Journey".

[The title briefly shows on screen; the preview starts in Hobbiton with Merry and Pippin]

Pippin: Aw, Merry, I miss Mr. Frodo already.

Merry: Me too, Pippin. Frodo was a dear, dear friend. I like to eat poop. Hey, look, it's Gandalf!

Gandalf: [rides up to the Hobbits on Shadowfax] Merry, Pippin, we are not safe! A dark menace rises to the east! Duckies go "Quack!" [a rubber duck jumps on the bottom left side of the screen for a second] Cows go "Mooooooo!" [a small cow appears on the center right side of the screen for a second] I want ice cream! [a small pig appears on the center left side of the screen for a second, and then he takes out two ice cream cones] Verily, will you hobbits join in my quest?

Merry and Pippin: Yes, Mr. Gandalf!

Gandalf: What about you, Hannah Montana?

Hannah Montana: [singing to electronic music] I like macaroni and cheese!

Gandalf: I want poop!

[We slide to a card that says: And..., and then to a bunch of fighter aircrafts with the characters inside]

Gandalf: These F-16s will take us as far as the Erendor river, then we'll have to find the bridge of Larakaei.

Merry: Quickly! Everyone make jet noises with your mouth!

[Everybody starts to imitate the sounds of jets with their mouths]

Gandalf: Moooooooooo!

[We slide to another card that says: And now..., and then to the group inside a volcano and fighting a monster that resembles a peanut butter and jelly sandwich]

Gandalf: The three-headed peanut butter and jelly monster is too powerful! And I like to eat poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop...

Pippin: I don't want to do my homework.

[Record scratch]

Merry: Let's all sing "The Muffin Man"!

Everyone: [singing] Oh, do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Do you know the muffin man...?

[Then a bunch of random creatures from the previous seasons suddenly appear, and many cartoon noises are heard]

Gandalf: You shall not...poop, poop, poop, poop, poop...

[We cut back to Cooke]

Alistar Cooke: [shocked and confused] I'm sorry; what the f-?!

[The screen goes to standby mode, and the channel flips to the next sketch]

Casablankman II [5.20]

Fight Club Paradise [5.21]

[Scene starts in cartoon animation. Family has a picnic while a bush moves towards them. A hand reaches out and snatches the picnic basket. Yogi Bear pops out of the bush]

Yogi Bear: Hey, hey, hey! I avoid starvation for another day! [He runs for it, but accidentally bumps into Ranger Smith]

Ranger Smith: Sorry, Yogi, but if you steal one more basket, it's my job.

Yogi Bear: You'll never catch me! I live the life of the free! [He runs for it]

Ranger Smith: Not this time, Yogi. Ho-chi-ya-cha-rooo!

[Rock-like music plays as Ranger Smith is struck by a bolt of lightning. The scene becomes live-action as Ranger Smith turns into a Power Forest Ranger. Yogi (still in cartoon form) stares in shock as four other Power Forest Rangers jump out from behind Smith. The Power Forest Rangers charge as the scene cuts to the cartoon Yogi Bear]

Yogi Bear: Quite a surprise. But try this on for size! [He stamps his foot as his eyes turned red and cartoon smoke covers the background. It then changes into live-action smoke and he appears as a live-action villain] Hey, hey, heyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

[Power Forest Rangers battle the live-action Yogi Bear while the chorus is singing "Yo! Yo! Power Forest Rangers". Scene cuts to cartoon Boo Boo Bear, hiding in a bush and watching the chaos around him with fright]

Boo Boo: WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS HAPPENING?!!?

[Power Forest Rangers and Yogi Bear continue fighting, then the scene cuts to a man at a table with several Japanese men]

Man: And that is how you bring Yogi Bear to Japan. You're welcome.

[The Japanese men exchange glances with each other before getting out of their seats and leaving. The one closest to Man puts a sword on the table before leaving with the others. The Man looks down and sighs sadly]