Robot Chicken (season 7)

G.I. Jogurt [7.01]

[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen]

Roadblock: I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but now you know how.

Children: And knowing is half the battle.

[The PSA ends with the "G.I. Joe" jingle]

Host: And the Emmy for "Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization" goes to...G.I. Joe, for "Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving".

[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats]

COBRA Commander: Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! [mocking the Joes] "Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines." [normal voice] Reads like a dispatch from the no-crap clinic.

Destro: I'll get the nerve gas.

COBRA Commander: No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. [clenching his fist] We'll create our own PSAs!

[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing room at COBRA Headquarters]

COBRA Commander: OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.

Dr. Mindbender: Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of "tone poem".

COBRA Commander: Holy [bleep], that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy crap, that was freaking dumb. Next!

Baroness: [enters the room] Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? [looks at him] Destro?

Destro: She's actually really funny, you guys.

COBRA Commander: Hey, you lost me at "She's". [Bleep it! We're doing it without a script.

[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children]

Destro: Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.

Dr. Mindbender: Uh, yes. [puts his arms around the children] That is what these kidnapped children are for.

COBRA Commander: [talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines] OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...

Storm Shadow: Why?

COBRA Commander: It's dangerous to run with scissors.

Storm Shadow: I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?

COBRA Commander: [sarcastically] Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. [whispers to Tomax] Get this piece of [bleep] off my set!

[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow]

Storm Shadow: Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.

[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office]

Serpentor: So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post office business. Any other use is a felony.

Boy: Now I'm aware.

Serpentor: [putting his arms around the children and smiling] And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question. [beat] Somebody say [bleep]ing "Cut"!

[Second COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading]

COBRA Commander: And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out. [both children giggle] Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment. [both children laugh; irritated] It'sss not funny! [removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead] Shut. It. Down.

[At the next Emmy Awards...]

Host: And the Emmy for "Best PSA by a Paramilitary Organization" goes to...G.I. Joe, for "Don't Star in a COBRA PSA".

COBRA Commander: [shaking his fist] What?!

Destro: [shouting over to the troops] Pump the nerve gas!

Link's Sausages [7.02]

[Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are standing in the street]

Tommy Pickles: [holding his Reptar doll] Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll.

Didi Pickles: [enters the street, finding the babies] Tommy! What are you doing in the street?! (Voiced By Maisie Williams)

[Cut to the Pickles' house]

Stu Pickles: [opens the door] Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they? (Voiced By Dan Milano)

Didi Pickles: Stu, a word? [they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut] What the [bleep], Stu?!

Stu Pickles: Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I-

Didi Pickles: Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!

Stu Pickles: I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-

Didi Pickles: [sarcastically] Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!

Stu Pickles: [tearing up] Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God-

Didi Pickles: [enraged] What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!

[Thudding and crashing are heard as Didi violently beats Stu offscreen]

Stu Pickles: Didi, stop!

Didi Pickles: I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!

Stu Pickles: [sobbing] I want a divorce!

[The babies look devastated as the screen cut to static]

Secret of the Booze [7.03]

[Cuts to Papa Smurf shaving his beard in his house]

Papa Smurf: I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. [chuckles; takes off his pants] Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!

[Title Card: Undercover Smurf Boss]

Farmer Smurf: So, you're my new intern, huh?

Papa Smurf: That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.

Farmer Smurf: Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!

[A giant caterpillar slithers in and turns onto its side, revealing its udders]

Papa Smurf: [being filmed] We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! [milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore] Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!

Farmer Smurf: Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!

Papa Smurf: But our healthcare is smurfy, right?

Farmer Smurf: Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.

Papa Smurf: WHAT?! [cash register dings]

[Title Card: 1 Smurfberry = 1.78 USD]

[Scene cuts to the Smurf Hospital. Doctor Smurf packs his medical bag]

Papa Smurf: Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?

Doctor Smurf: Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.

Papa Smurf: Actually, I'm not really qualified.

[Outside the window, Doctor Smurf takes off in his gold-plated helicopter. Door opens, Smurfette and Handy Smurf enter the room]

Smurfette: We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!

Papa Smurf: Did someone get a sliver? [Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers] OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!

Handy Smurf: I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!

Smurfette: You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?

Papa Smurf: I'll certainly try. [being filmed] I certainly tried.

[Cuts to Papa Smurf sewing Handy's fingers while Handy lies dead on the table]

Smurfette: [crying] You can probably stop sewing.

Papa Smurf: No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. [walks up to Grouchy Smurf] So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?

Grouchy Smurf: I hate coffee!

Papa Smurf: Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?

Grouchy Smurf: I hate working here.

Papa Smurf: Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?

Grouchy Smurf: I hate Papa Smurf!

Papa Smurf: All right, what exactly do you do around here?

Grouchy Smurf: I-I hate stuff?

Papa Smurf: [puts on his red hat] I'm being deadly serious.

Grouchy Smurf: I...I... [cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside] I hate shoveling dog [bleep].

Papa Smurf: Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-[bleep] Smurf! [leaves]

[More dog poop falls from above, next to Grouchy]

Rebel Appliance [7.04]

Lion-O: My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry

Cheetara: What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?

Lion-O: "Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O". I hope you write that down.

Snarf: I liked it. [Wilykat slaps him] OW!

Legion of Super-Gyros [7.05]

[With Grover and Oscar the Grouch]

Grover: Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!

Oscar: Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.

Grover: Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!

Hannah: Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?

Oscar: [Bleep] me! [gets back inside his trash can]

Hannah: [feels Grover] Ooh, you're so cute! [later that night] I really love how you don't play games, Grover.

Grover: Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!

Hannah: [shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off] Insult my parents! Oh yeah!

Grover: Woah! [scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples] Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!

Hannah: And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.

Grover: That is sad. [Hannah eats the apple] Uh...you're eating my props.

Hannah: I'm proud of my body.

Grover: I know, I know.

Hannah: Ugh! Yeah! [shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]

Grover: Oh, God!

El Skeletorio [7.06]

Crypt Keeper: Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best "heller"! [laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover] This is actually Dan Brown's "Inferno." It's a piece of [bleep]. Our next tale is something of an "alle-gory"! You might say it's a "meta-gore"! [pause] Let's just roll it.

[Cut to the outside of Bitch Pudding's house, where the title of the sketch "Season of the Bitch...Pudding" appears. We cut to inside the house, where Bitch Pudding is sleeping]

Ghostly Voice: [in his haunting voice] Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-

Bitch Pudding: [wakes up] Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's [bleep]hole so I can jam your mama's [bleep] up there, you [bleep]-gargling pile of monkey spunk?! Nothing to say now, huh?

Ghostly Voice: [off-screen] There's just a lot to unpack there.

Bitch Pudding: Well, wake me up when you figure it out, [bleep] stick. [goes back to sleep. The next morning, she goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed. Annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them] BLAM! Where's your [bleep]-ass art project now, [bleep] nut?

Ghostly Voice: [off-screen] It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving!

[Cut to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping]

Ghostly Voice [in his haunting voice] Strawberry Shortcake!

Strawberry Shortcake: [wakes up] Huh? What?

Ghostly Voice: [in his haunting voice] Get out of the house!

[A red substance begins to ooze out of the walls, causing Strawberry Shortcake to scream in fear]

Bitch Pudding: [breaks in through the window] Hey, [bleep]ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's [bleep]hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your [bleep]?!

Ghostly Voice: [off-screen] Hey, stop talking about my dad's [bleep]hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.

Strawberry Shortcake: Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.

Bitch Pudding: Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a [bleep], [bleep] tits! DA-DA-DA-DAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Bitch Pudding! BLAM! [jumps out the window]

Strawberry Shortcake: I should really move.

Snarfer Image [7.07]

[Ticking, cuts to Elmer Fudd in a field]

Elmer Fudd: [narrating] Time travel has not been invented yet, [cocks his gun] but in 30 years, it will be. [gunshot] In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. [Title Card: Wooper] The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.

Old Elmer Fudd: [appears in the field] What are you waiting for? Shoot me!

Elmer Fudd: What?!

Old Elmer Fudd: In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!

Elmer Fudd: I can't.

Old Elmer Fudd: Come on, give it to me. [crying] Pleeeease. [gunshot]

Yosemite Sam: [appears in the field] I'll have what he's having. [gunshot]

[Cuts to Porky Pig on the Looney Tunes circles. The words "That's all, folks!" appear in front]

Porky Pig: Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! [gunshot]

Up, Up, and Buffet [7.08]

Fiona: The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!

Shrek: Marry you?

Fiona: Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!

Shrek: Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. "Monster! Animal!", they yell. Then someone screams, "Kill yourself!" and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes "tot" and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!

Fiona:[with her mouth full] Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! [sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]

Panthropologie [7.09]

[Caption: LEGO City, 2014]

Wife: Honey, look out! Cliche!

Gerry: Huh? [all screaming] What's happening?!

Cop: Kre-O! They're everywh- Aah! [gets torn apart by the Kre-O's]

Wife: There's something wrong with them. They look like us but different!

General: [lands in the helicopter] This way! Hurry! Your life has more value than other people! [the Lanes get onto the helicopter] Gerry, we need your expertise!

Gerry: My expertise? I'm not a soldier!

General: Gerry, we need a lawyer.

[Title Card: WORLD WAR B (as in blocks)]

W.H.O. Doctor: Put simply, Gerry, we're being invaded by imitation blocks.

Assistant: Off-brand products with a taste for LEGO blood!

W.H.O. Doctor: They're nearly identical but different. Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend Flo from the Progressive commercials is giving you an HJ, but you know it's not Flo. You know that! She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.

General: That's impossible! We're trademarked!

Gerry: No, general. LEGO bricks aren't protected by trademark. They're protected by patent.

General: Hell, man, what's the difference?

Gerry: The difference is...patents expire! Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a GIF. That's fun.

General: Isn't it "jiff"? Anyway, how do we stop it?

W.H.O. Doctor: There's nothing we can do. [whispering] Don't worry, Flo. I'll protect you.

Assistant: Don't worry, girl from the Wendy's commercials.

General: Don't worry, GEICO gecko.

[Cut to the map]

Gerry: [narrating] They covered the whole globe in no time: Mega Bloks, Kre-O, Best-Lock, CoCo, BanBao, Rokenbok, Super Blocks, and Leggo with two g's, which was especially insulting.

[Caption: Lego Headquarters, Denmark]

[Zombies groaning]

Barbershop Quartet: [singing] LEGO my baby, LEGO my honey, LEGO my ragtime gal...

Son: Daddy, are we safe?

Gerry: Of course we are, son. People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. That is the lowest form of music.

Barbershop Quartet: [singing] ...Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone...

[Zombies groaning loudly]

Gerry: The terrible singing! They're attracted to the terrible singing! [the zombies start climbing over the walls. Gerry knocks out the quartet. Soldiers start shooting] Ohh! - Ow! Fire! Fire! They're too fast!-Ohh!

W.H.O. Doctor: [runs in with the syringe] Gerry, I've found a way to camouflage ourselves!

Gerry: That beats my solution. [acts out shooting zombies, and then acts out shooting himself] Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew!

W.H.O. Doctor: LEGOs are machined to a tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! [injects himself] Aah! [turns into a Playmobil figure] We look like them now!

Gerry: I'd rather die.

Son: [notices something] What?! They have Transformers?

Gerry: No, son! No!

Son: Aah! [Bumblebee rips him in half]

Gerry: Nooooooo!

W.H.O. Doctor: You probably don't even want to go on living now.

Gerry: Huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! [gets injected] Ugh! [the serum transforms him into...] No! You turned me into a [bleep]ing DUPLO! It's the same company as LEGO, you fool! Aah! Aah! [Mrs. Lane and the Doctor run away whilst DUPLO Gerry gets his head ripped off] Guys, is this ending working? Let's re-shoot it.

[Zombies murmuring]

Catdog on a Stick [7.10]

Executive: You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?

Tiger: I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.

Executive: Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.

[Cut to the title card for the Golf Jam movie]

Singers: Welcome to the Golf Jam!

[Cut to Tiger on the golf course]

Tiger: Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. [falls down a large hole] What? Whoooooooa!! [lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters] Ow!

Heathcliff: Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.

Tiger: [getting up from his fall and waving hello] Why, hi, Garfield.

Heathcliff: I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.

Cleo: We need your help, Tiger.

Tiger: [enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to put my penis in you... [snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera] I mean, I love my girlfriend.

Cleo: We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.

Tiger: [once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to hump your face... [flustered] I mean, help your face- [snaps out of it again] Help you, I will help you!

[The Dork Punks walk into the shot, as Tiger turns to look at them]

Dork Punk: Let's tee off, DiC-heads!

[Tiger and Heathcliff look at each other and nod, and we cut to a golf-playing montage. Tiger (now wearing a cap with the DiC logo on it) hits a beautful shot as Heathcliff, Cleo, and a couple of other toons watch. LongArm uses his gauntlet to sink a putt, as Tiger chats up Princess Lana and receives a slap to the face from her. As Cleo prepares to sink her putt, Tiger walks up from behind and starts pretending to hump her. Ja-Kal prepares to take a shot as Armon looks on, but a piece of Armon's gauze is caught on Ja-Kal's club. As Ja-Kal swings, he and Armon both get tied up in Armon's gauze. Tiger is seen in one of the bunkers with Nefer-Tina sitting on top of him, as she unwraps the gauze from her upper body much to Tiger's delight. The montage ends as Tiger is getting ready to sink his final putt, with Cleo and Hammerman watching on]

Hammerman: If you sink this putt, we win!

Tiger: Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.

Hammerman: Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. [shows off his magic dancing shoes]

Tiger: [looks at Cleo] You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.

Cleo: Win the game and I'll blow you.

[Upon hearing this, Tiger immediately sinks the putt and wins the game. As the DiC toons celebrate, Tiger unzips his pants and takes a terrified Cleo by the hand into the Pancake House for his well-earned blowjob]

Hammerman: [rapping] Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!

[Cut to black with the bold white text "Golf Jam was rented once from Redbox. The copy was returned on time."]

Super Guitaro Center [7.11]

Shredder: The "Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball" is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. [surprised to see April's costume] Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as [bleep]!

April: Care to dance, Mr. Potter?

Shredder: WHAT?! [cuts to Shredder dancing with April] And, what's your costume?

April: Belle from "Beauty and The Beast", but a dick-slut.

Shredder: Is your favorite restaurant, Taco "Belle"?

[Both laugh]

April: You are hilarious.

Shredder: On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!

Shredder and April: Toad the Wet Sprocket! [pause, they both kiss]

April: [feels the blade, and gasped] Wait. Are you-

Shredder: In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! [leaves]

April: [realizing] Shredder?

[Cut to Shredder with April outside her apartment after the party]

Shredder: Think of something poetic, Oroku. [to April] But soft, you are total boner food!

April: Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.

Shredder: People won't approve.

April: No one can keep us apart.

[They both kiss again. Then cuts to the sewer]

Raphael: Aww, Hell to the No! [punches a brick wall with a grunt]

April: We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Michelangelo: Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!

April: No. Just dry humping, and ball play.

Raphael: Ball play?! [punches the same brick wall with a grunt]

Splinter: You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.

[Donatello grabs pizza boxes which are the guest pillows, and puts them on the couch. Later while everyone's asleep, Shredder comes up from behind the couch to see April]

April: [gasps] What are you doing here?

Shredder: I came to say "Hi", [lays down next to her] and also have sex after the whole "Hi" thing.

April: It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. [they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole] Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?

Shredder: Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. [farts]

[Next morning while April was having her breakfast]

Donatello: April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.

April: Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! [walks away]

Casey: Good start to my morning.

[Cut to April with the Rat King]

April: So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.

Rat King: I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.

April: [pause, interested] Go on?

[Cut to April playing dead]

Shredder: [shocked] It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! [accidentally hits April with his spikes]

April: [wakes up in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow! What the [bleep]?! Shredder!

Shredder: [surprised] April! You're alive!

April: The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read "Romeo and Juliet", you [bleep]ing ass clown? [gags and dies]

Shredder: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! [a few seconds of silence] Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. [takes his CD back, and leaves]

Noidstrom Rack [7.12]

Picard: [dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise] What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! [jerks awake] Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! [moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters] Captain.

Captain Jake: Capitan! [the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter] Night crew, maintain course. [cut to the Enterprise moving through space] Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! [starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]

Night Crew: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]

Commander LaFreak: Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.

Captain Jake: They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!

Borg Drone: Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.

Captain Jake: You want us to service you?

Borg Drone: Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! [Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused] Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! [the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]

Commander LaFreak: Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?

Captain Jake: [opens another can of beer] No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!

Commander LaFreak: We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?

Captain Jake: What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! [the night crew beam across to the Borg cube] Anybody order a partygram? [the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone] Wet t-shirt contest! [opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest] Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? [removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him] Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?

Borg Drone: Enough! Partying is futile! [jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins] Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! [grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it] Woo-hoooo! [the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]

Captain Jake: Now this, I can assimilate! [he and the drone hug]

[Cut to the Borg cube drawing a giant cock on a planet with its lasers. Cut to an awards ceremony on the bridge of the Enterprise]

Starfleet Admiral: Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. [hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]

Captain Jake: Bitchin'!

Picard: [fuming] NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! [everyone looks round nervously, until he grins] Beer me! [the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can] You glorious sons of bitches!

Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone [7.13]

[The Disney Princess Castle is shown]

Snow White: [from inside] Welcome to the Princess Summit, [cut to inside] where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.

Rapunzel: Hairstyles.

Cinderella: Talking pets.

Tiana: Hairstyles for our talking pets.

Ariel: Crabs. [everyone looks at her in disgust] I've got crabs.

Snow White: Well, isn't that just, um...and where is our newest princess?

Merida: [enters, carrying a dead boar dripping with blood] Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.

Aurora: [sarcastically] Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.

Merida: [laying boar on the table and gutting it] 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.

Snow White: Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.

Merida: Not a damn song.

Snow White: [singing] Here's a list of things to drop;

Your accent, bow, that tangled mop.

Fifteen pounds from off your hips

Those ginger afros 'neath your pits

And no prince will want to mingle

With a girl with no hit single.

[Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records]

Cinderella: [spoken] And your pet's hair is a disaster.

Merida: That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! [holds the knife to Snow White's neck] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war. [Leaves]

Mulan: [following Merida] Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes. [leaves]

Belle: Amen, sister. [leaves]

Tiana: Stuck-up bitches!

[Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on. We transition to the next scene where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]

Snow White: Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. [out the window] Send in my war counsel. [a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill] What shall I do, little one?

Blue bird: [chirping with subtitles] Core that bitch like an apple.

Snow White: Oh my.

Blue bird: [chirping with subtitles] Weave a tapestry of their intestines.

Snow White: Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.

Cinderella: I've got a guy.

[The Fairy Godmother appears]

Snow White: Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.

Fairy Godmother: [laying bag of assault weapons on table] Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, that's twenty grand.

Princesses: Ooh, wow!

Ariel: Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.

Jasmine: Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. [Ariel runs away crying] Anyone else have cold tits?

[We cut to Merida's training grounds]

Merida: All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.

Rapunzel: [whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering it, then strangling it] I finally found the perfect conditioner- [pops the dummy's head off] blood!

Louis: [shooting arrows and missed the target] Oh, curse these stubby arms.

Merida: You're an alligator. Be an alligator!

[Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]

Mushu: Oh, wait! Don't...!

Louis: [eats Mushu] Oh! I'm so sorry!

Mulan: No, no, it was...it was a good kill.

[Cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]

Snow White: Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.

Aurora: [yawning] Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.

Snow White: Don't you pull that [bleep] now!

Aurora: Just teasing.

[An arrow fired by an off-screen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]

Merida: [with her army at the top of a hill] Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!

[The armies charge at each other]

Jasmine: I will show you a world of death!

[They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]

Ariel: Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!

Cinderella: Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.

[The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]

Princesses: [realizing] Ahh! Run away! Run away! [running away from the bomb]

Sebastian: [pops up from behind the bomb, singing] Bend over and grab your ankles!

[The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]

Merida: [wounded, trudges by] Me mother's a bear.

[Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]

Walking Dead Lobster [7.14]

[We start on a gradient aquamarine-blue background, where the Gullah Gullah Island logo rolls in]

Announcer: And now, back to Gullah Gullah Island!

[We cut to Ron and Natalie's house, where everyone plays Leapfrog with. Two policemen, one blonde and the other with brown hair, arriving at the front door]

Ron: [jumps over Shaina and Binyah-Binyah] This sure is fun, Binyah-Binyah!

Binyah-Binyah: Binyah-Binyah! Have fun, too!

[The policemen knock on the door]

Ron: I'll get it. [opens the door to show the policemen]

Cop with Brown Hair: Hello, sir. We've investigated a tip. A criminal might be in the area; he's robbed a bank and shot three policemen.

Ron: Oh, no! Well, there's nobody here but me, my wife, our three children, and our man-sized pet polliwog.

Binyah-Binyah: Binyah-Binyah!

Cop with Brown Hair: Yeah-no, no, no, that's a man in a frog suit.

Natalie: [incredulous] What?! No, he's just a giant polliwog we rescued.

Cop with Brown Hair: Where did you find him?

Vanessa: Oh, behind an amphibious animal costume shop!

Cop with Brown Hair: I'm gonna need him out of that frog suit by the count of three. [pulls out a pistol] One...

Binyah-Binyah: [raises both arms in the air as the Alstons stare in shock] Binyah-Binyah!

Cop with Brown Hair: Two...

Binyah-Binyah: [scared, waving arms] Binyah-Binyah!

Cop with Brown Hair: Three!

Frogman: [screams and strips out of costume, making the Alstons cover their eyes from seeing his nude lesion-covered body] No! Don't shoot!

Cop with Brown Hair: [still points pistol with other officer] Down on the ground, Frogman!

Natalie: [disgusted] What's on his skin?!

Frogman: Sores, you dumbass! From wearing that polliwog costume for four months straight! [is handcuffed by the blonde policeman and pulled out of the house] Binyah-Binyah! Binyah-Binyah!

[The brown-haired policeman clubs Frogman on the back of his head to knock him out, ending the sketch

---

Narrator: This is George. He's a monkey in Africa. He's very curious. One day, a man in a yellow hat came along. George accidentally scratched the man with the yellow hat.

Man: Ow!

Narrator: But George gave the man such an adorable sorry face. He decided to take George to live with him in New York City. The man in the yellow hat was feeling sick, so George went out to explore by himself. George was so curious, he put his mouth on everything! After a few days, George thought he saw the man in the yellow hat, but it was a different man in yellow. Then George saw the biggest bird he'd ever seen. And then it took a poop- [gasps] OH MY GOD! GEORGE, RUN! GEORGE, STOP BEING CURIOUS FOR ONE FREAKING MINUTE! TAKE COVER!!

Victoria's Secret of NIMH [7.15]

Peter Pan: Fly with me, to Neverland! [flies out of the window with the Darling children]

Mary Darling: [arrives with her husband too late] Children, no!

[Scene cuts to Neverland]

Peter Pan: These are the Lost Boys. They're not vampires. [phone rings from inside a tree; curiously] We have a phone? [picks up the receiver] Hello?

Bryan Mills: [on the phone] I don't know who you are. [cut to him with George and Mary] I don't know what you want. I don't know why you dress like...

Mary Darling: A gay Robin Hood.

Bryan Mills: Like a gay Robin Hood. I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. By which I guess I mean, flying gay Robin Hoods.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter Pan: Good luck finding Neverland, grandpa. [hangs up and leaves]

[Cut back to Bryan, George, and Mary]

George Darling: Oh, what's he saying?

Bryan Mills: He's saying, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Mary Darling: That's the dial tone.

Bryan Mills: Dial tone? [hangs up] Well, this is a very old phone. [to George and Mary] He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground sex club called Neverland.

George Darling: Oh thank goodness, you do security work for bankers like myself, Mr. Mills, but how will you reach the children? They were flying!

Mary Darling: I think I heard them say something about thinking happy thoughts.

Bryan Mills: Happy thoughts, eh? [imagining himself in the thought bubble, grabbing Peter Pan and throwing him on a step]

Peter Pan: No! No! Please!

[Bryan crushes Peter's head destroying his face, the thought bubble vanishes]

Bryan Mills: Whoo hoo, off I go! [flies through the roof]

[Scene cuts to Neverland, Bryan kills the Lost Boys, except Slightly, who turns around and sees the other Lost Boys dead covered in blood]

Slightly: [farts] I just pooped in my tail!

Bryan Mills: [holding Slightly at knifepoint] Where are the children?!

[Slightly farts again before we cut to Wendy and the mermaids]

Wendy: I've never met real live mermaids before.

Mermaid: [laughs] That's so fun! Lets drown this bitch! [grabs Wendy by her arms]

Wendy: No, please, no! [opens her eyes to see the mermaids dead]

Bryan Mills: [wearing the seashell bra] Wendy, where are your brothers?

Wendy: There! On the pirate ship!

[Cut to the Pirate ship where John and Michael are cornered by Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Time for these little chickadees to walk the plank! [laughs]

Bryan Mills: [tapping on Hook's shoulder] Tick-tock, time's up! [kicks Captain Hook, who falls while screaming into the crocodile's mouth] I'm taking you home, children.

Peter Pan: [arrives with Tinkerbell] Not so fast, you old codfish! [Tinkerbell flies up to Bryan taunting him, Bryan uses his shoe to squash her] Tink! Oh, good luck getting home without her fairy dust, asshole!

Bryan Mills: Why would I want to leave when my happy thoughts are about to come true?

Peter Pan: Your what? [Bryan grabs him and throws him to a step] Oh! No! NO! [Bryan crashes his head with his foot before his shadow comes out]

Wendy: Okay, but seriously man, how the [bleep] are we getting home?!

Bryan Mills: Hang on. [grabs Peter's shadow and throws it on the same step]

Peter's shadow: No, no, wait! [screams as Bryan crushes its head in black blood with his foot]

Bitch Pudding Special [7.16]

[The special starts, as a funeral for Granny Graham Crackers is taking place at the Strawberryland Church; Raspberry Parfait is speaking at the podium]

Raspberry Parfait: Even on cloudy days, Pastryville always had a ray of sunshine. And her name was Granny Graham Crackers. Remember when she knit your favorite scarf, Black Cherry Pie?

Black Cherry Pie: [caressing her scarf fondly] I wear it everyday, Raspberry Parfait.

Raspberry Parfait: And Fudge Turnover, remember when she fixed your leaky roof?

Fudge Turnover: She got heat-stroke and fell into the hedges.

Black Cherry Pie: [indignant] While you watched Tango and Cash on Netflix!

Fudge Turnover: Yes! While I watched Tango and Cash on Netflix.

Raspberry Parfait: And Buttermilk Biscuits, I remember when Granny drove all the way to the big city to get-

Buttermilk Biscuits: [gesturing towards her neck] No. Nope. Mnh-mnh.

Raspberry Parfait: Your...tonsils out?

Fudge Turnover: Yeah, your unborn tonsils.

[Black Cherry Pie scowls at him]

Raspberry Parfait: [clears her throat] Now then if there are no more speakers? [no one says a word, to her relief] Great! Then, in conclusion- [but Bitch Pudding burst the door open just then as heavy metal music plays. She became nervous and everyone are shocked as Bitch Pudding walks up to the podium, lightly shoving her out of the way] W-We were just wrapping up here, Bitch Pudding.

Bitch Pudding: [grabs the microphone and begin to speak in her calm southern accent] I remember Granny. [everyone is still dumbfounded] I remember her smile. [everyone looks relieved] I remember how much she loved baking sugar cookies. [wipes a tear from her eye]

Everyone: [react happily] Ahh!

Bitch Pudding: But most of all, I remember... [giving a angry rant] her rank-ass old-lady farts.

[Everyone gasps in shock]

Raspberry Parfait: [facepalming] Oh, God.

Bitch Pudding: This bitch had no sense of smell, no sense of hearing, so all day long, she was like "Pbht!" "Pbht!" "Pbht!" "Pbht!" "Pbht!" "Pbhhhhhht!"

Raspberry Parfait: Okay. [chuckles] That's enough-

Bitch Pudding: [pushes Raspberry Parfait and continues] And when you're a hundred years old, I guess panties are just an afterthought. I mean, raise your hand if you never saw Granny airing out the Ark of the Covenant! [while she's talking, Raspberry Parfait does the hand signal to turn the camera off, but she then mouths "What the?" Everyone gasps and groans] I hope Granny is in heaven, but she had a gambling addiction, so Satan might be doing her up the butt. [everyone gasps again] Knock twice if Satan's doing you up the butt, Granny. [in Granny's voice] I love it up the butt from Satan, everybody! [in Satan's voice] You rule, Granny! Ha ha! [begins humping the coffin; everyone gasps and groans in shock once more] Now hit my [bleep]ing theme song!

[As the opening credits appear, music plays in the style of "The Trooper" by Iron Maiden, as Bitch Pudding throws the bouquet of flowers across the room, kicks the easel stand with a picture of Granny Graham Cracker, jumps, lands, and walks down the aisles where she steals an audience member's apple and takes a single bite before giving it to German Chocolate Cake and out of the church. She closes the doors behind her as the title for the special appears. Everyone starts murmuring]

Raspberry Parfait: Now, then-

Bitch Pudding: [bursts into the church again, briefly] Da-da-da-da! Bitch Puddin'. Blam! [runs off]

[Later that rainy night, Bitch Pudding is playing a shooter video game, where she is taking out several in-game enemies]

Bitch Pudding: [her game avatar approaches a villager character] Yeah! Suck it.

Villager: You have saved my village!

Bitch Pudding: [shoots the villager dead] You mean "my" village! [a rumble of thunder is heard as her house experiences a power outage and the TV screen dies] Aw!

[As more rumbles of thunder are heard, a mysterious hooded figure appears behind an unsuspecting Bitch Pudding, revealed by the illumination of lightning outside. The figure is seen first holding a knife, then an axe, then a pistol, and then finally a baseball bat, which the figure uses to club Bitch Pudding in the head. She grunts and falls unconscious. A few hours later]

Bitch Pudding: [wakes up] Augh. Where?

The Mailbird: Oh, sounds like my cargo just woke up!

Bitch Pudding: Hey! You're that damn bird that delivers our mail!

The Mailbird: You bet your feathers. But tonight, I'm gettin' paid to make a special delivery. [Bitch Pudding sees the volcano nearby] Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep your ass out of that volcano. Adios, Bitch Pudding. [Bitch Pudding, however, is trying to escape from him] Glurk! Ooh! Aah!

Bitch Pudding: You flying turd! Who hired you?!

The Mailbird: You kill me, we both die.

Bitch Pudding: Good point, jazz cloth. But, on the other hand. [picks out 2 feathers, and stab him in his eyes]

The Mailbird: [going blind] Ow! [falls to his death in the volcano] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bitch Pudding: [falls onto the rocks of the volcano] Ohhhhhhhh!!! [rolls down in pain] [Bleeep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleeep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! Ow! Ow! [Bleep]! [Bleeep]! [Bleep]! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleeeeeeeep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleeeep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! Oh, [bleep]! [Bleep]! Mother[bleep]ing mother[bleep] er! Ow! Ow! [Bleep] me! Oh, God! [Bleep]ing [bleep]ing [bleep]! [hits the tree] Ow! [Bleep]! Ohhh! [BLEEEEEEEP]!!!!! [falls unconscious again]

[The next morning, Bitch Pudding opens her eyes to see the Schlorps]

Schlorp 1: Who is she?

Schlorp 2: Grandpappy will know.

Bitch Pudding: [while in pain] Please, stop talking. Your voice is irritating as [bleep]!

Schlorp 2: How rude!

Schlorp 3: Well, she's not wrong.

Schlorp 4: Who is that?

Grandpappy Schlorp: [appears] Welcome to Schlorptown, stranger! We are the Schlorps. And my name is Grandpappy Schlorp.

Bitch Pudding: Are you in charge of this [bleep]hole?

Grandpappy Schlorp: You see anyone else with a beard around here?

Schlorp 2: We should Schlorp the "Get to know you" song!

[Everyone laughs and the peppy music plays]

Bitch Pudding: [annoyed] No.

Schlorps: [singing] ♪ If you get to know me, ♪

♪ Then I'll get to know you! ♪

♪ Once you're in the group, ♪

♪ You're a friend through-and-through! ♪

Fishing Pole Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm Fishing Pole Schlorp, and I catch all the fish! ♪

Basketball Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm Basketball Schlorp, watch this! ♪

Schlorps: Swish!

I.B.S. Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm I.B.S. Schlorp, you'll find me on the stalls. ♪

Wintertime Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm Wintertime Schlorp, I'm sweating off my balls! ♪

Chinese Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm a Schlorp who come from China. ♪

Miss Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm Miss Schlorp with a vagina! ♪

Kazoo Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm a Schlorp who plays kazoo ♪

Kung Fu Schlorp: [singing] ♪ I'm a Schlorp who wants Kung Fu! ♪ [accidentally karate chops the Kazoo Schlorp] So sorry!

Schlorps: [singing] ♪ So how about the stranger? Tell us all about you! ♪

Bitch Pudding: [grabs Banjo Schlorp's banjo to play it, but swears in a discordant note] ♪ Shut the [bleep] u-u-up!!! ♪ [smashes the banjo, breaks a fishing pole, kicking a basketball far away, and gives the Schlorps an angry look to make them feel shockingly bad]

I.B.S. Schlorp: [his stomach growls] Oh, God! I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. [craps himself] Aw. I didn't make it.

[Meanwhile, Grandpappy Schlorp tries to create a cast to Bitch Pudding's broken arm]

Bitch Pudding: Ow, you old bastard!

Grandpappy Schlorp: There you go. Good as new. Ah, Schlorpette. Is that the Schlorp nut soup for our guest?

Schlorpette: Yes, but this is the last of our Schlorp nuts. They're all gone.

Grandpappy Schlorp: Aww. The last of the Schlorp nuts. And with winter on its way.

Bitch Pudding: [sips the Schlorp nut soup] This tastes like moose dick! [smashes the bowl onto the floor] I got to go home! [heads towards the door] Some asshole tried to kill me, so that asshole's gonna get my boot up his asshole.

Grandpappy Schlorp: With the Schlorp nuts gone, our village faces starvation. You see, the nuts were stolen by the evil squirrel wizard on one tree hill.

Bitch Pudding: Phhhhhhht!

Schlorpette: It was called that before the show.

Bitch Pudding: This squirrel sounds like a pissy.

Grandpappy Schlorp: Then perhaps we can make a deal. Bring our nuts home and we help get your butt home.

[Bitch Pudding groans. Later, she knocks on the door]

Trevor: [arrives] Who dares disturb the sa-

Bitch Pudding: Blam! [attacking Trevor to death] Haungh, haungh, hungh! Lick my taco, Squirrel Wizard! Give those dicks their nuts back!

Schlorpette: Bitch Pudding! That's not the Squirrel Wizard!

Bitch Pudding: Huh?! Who the hell is it?!

The Squirrel Wizard: [arrives to see Trevor dead] Trevor? Trevor?! Oh, my God! Trevor!

Schlorpette: His life partner.

Bitch Pudding: [shocked] Yuh-oh. [runs off]

The Squirrel Wizard: [in anger] Rrrrrrrrrrah! [using his magic wand to shoot at Schlorpette]

Schlorpette: Aaaaaah! [vanishes]

Bitch Pudding: [running away from the Squirrel Wizard] Squirrel alert! Squirrel alert!

The Squirrel Wizard: [arrives] Rrrrrrrrrgh!

Schlorps: AAHHH!!!!

The Squirrel Wizard: [starts attacking and killing the Schlorps with his magic wand] Suck on this! Suck on this! Suck on this!

Schlorp 2: [his bottom half kicks him] Ow! Ooh! Ow! [dies]

Bitch Pudding: Can't stay! Gotta go! Blam! [leaves]

Grandpappy Schlorp: Stay and fight, coward!

Schlorp 1: [getting shot] Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! [explodes]

Bitch Pudding: Whew. Safe. [turns and then witnessing the Squirrel Wizard using magic spells to murder the Schlorps] Oh, [bleep]! They're getting massacred! Who cares about those purple peckers? They never should have trusted me. Or...Or helped me?

Narrator: And at that moment, Bitch Pudding's heart grew three sizes bigger. Uh, metaphorically. You know, you'll just have to take my word for it.

The Squirrel Wizard: Die, you miserable Schlorps! And when you meet God, slap that mother[bleep]er in the face, because existence is nothing but his cruel joke on all of us!

Bitch Pudding: [returns to the villiage to face him] Sorry, spunk-sponge! The Schlorps are under my protection! [a mutilated Schlorp coughs up blood and dies] Uh, starting now! [starts to fight against the Squirrel Wizard]

The Squirrel Wizard: [getting punched and kicked] Ooh!

Bitch Pudding: Blick! [still fighting with him] Oh!

The Squirrel Wizard: [punching Bitch Pudding] Suck it!

Bitch Pudding: Oh! [punching the Squirrel Wizard in the face] Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blaaaam!

[They both got up and prepared for another fight]

The Squirrel Wizard: Aaah! [punching her some more] For Trevor! Punch! Punch!

Bitch Pudding: Blam! Blam! Ba-ba-ba-blam! [knocks the Squirrel Wizard to the ground]

The Squirrel Wizard: [finally defeated while beaten up] Ugh! Trevor! My fuzzy little angel! [Bitch Pudding takes his magic wand] Just do it! End me! Use any death spell you choose! Just say the magic words and end my pain!

Bitch Pudding: Abracadabra. [stabs the Squirrel Wizard through the head with his wand, finally killing him] Eat [bleep].

Grandpappy Schlorp: [walks into frame, horrified by this scene] My Schlorps, gone. All gone.

Bitch Pudding: As your champion, a eulogy is probably in order. [clears throat; Grandpappy Schlorp gives a nod to another Schlorp] What can be said- [is knocked out by a Schlorp with a baseball bat from behind] Ow!

[A few hours later]

Bitch Pudding: [waking up and finds out she is in a biplane] Huh? Where? What?

Pilot Schlorp: On behalf of "[Bleep] You Airlines," go [bleep] yourself. [turns the biplane upside down]

Bitch Pudding: [falls out of the biplane] Aaaaaaaaagh! [tumbles over on the roof] Oooooh! Unh! Unh! Unh! [lands safely on the ground] I-I I'm home. [suddenly spots a carnival in Pastryville celebrating her supposed death] What the [bleep]?!

Pastryville Citizen 1: Toss Bitch Pudding in the volcano and win a prize!

Fudge Turnover: Volcano-fried Bitch Pudding on a stick!

Buttermilk Biscuits: I hate you, Bitch Puddin'!

Bitch Pudding: [turns around to see a mural of her being dropped into the volcano by the mail-delivery bird] They were all in on it! The whole town tried to kill me?!

[Cut to the church, where the Pastryville citizens sing a hymn with a tune of "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear"]

Pastryville Citizens: [singing]

♪ She made our lives a living hell. ♪

♪ So nasty and so mean. ♪

♪ And when Bitch Pudding hit the lava, ♪

♪ You should have heard her scream. ♪

Raspberry Parfait: The first annual "Bitch Pudding Is Dead" Festival has been a rousing success! For generations to come, we will- [sniffs] Hey, guys, do you smell smoke?

[Everyone finds that the church is on fire, they all scream]

Fudge Turnover: Oh, [bleep]! The door won't open! [a Pastryville citizen runs by on fire, screaming. The others attempt to break the church door down] All together, now!

Everyone: One! Two! Three! Oh! Oh!

[Upon bursting out, they find Bitch Pudding, alive and well, and holding a minigun in front of them]

Bitch Pudding: Blam. [begins gunning down down every last citizen for revenge. A bloodied, mortally wounded Raspberry Parfait grabs onto Bitch Pudding with her last dying ounces of strength] Remember when I said I'd shoot you last?

Raspberry Parfait: I have absolutely no memory of that.

Bitch Pudding: Must have been a fantasy I had when I was masturbating!

Raspberry Parfait: [Bleep] you, Bitch Pudding... [falls over and dies]

[Bitch Pudding surveys the dead bodies as heavy metal music plays. One day later, Bitch Pudding is walking on the road, leaving Pastryville]

Bitch Pudding: So that's my story. I probably should have done a voiceover through the whole thing, but I didn't feel like it. Now, the only question is; what does the future hold?

[A car arrives, driven by Nick Fury of the Avengers]

Nick Fury: Bitch Pudding. You have become a part of a larger Universe.

[Bitch Pudding smiles, then end credits appear. And when it ends, Bitch Pudding is seen; having stolen Nick Fury's car]

Bitch Pudding: [flipping the birds] Da-da-da-da! [drives off] Blam!

Nick Fury: [beaten up and left behind] What a bitch.

Batman Forever 21 [7.17]

[Nana is sitting alone, tied to her doghouse at the doorstep of the Darling house]

Peter Pan: Off to Neverland!

Michael: Come on, Nana. [grabs Tinker Bell and sprinkles pixie dust all over Nana]

[Nana starts to rise, but gets tangled in the rope and dies]

Peter Pan and the Children: [in the distance] YAAAY!

---

[Mowgli, Baloo, and Bagheera from Disney's "The Jungle Book" are seen together in the Jungle resting against some trees]

Mowgli: Today was so fun, Baloo! I love that song you sang about "the Bare Necessities"

Baloo: And you get that "Bare" not only means basic, but also that I'm a Bear. Right?

Bagheera: [unenthusiastically] Yes, we get the wordplay...

Mowgli: Goodnight, Baloo!

Baloo: Goodnight, Lil' Britches.

[Everyone then lays down to go to sleep. Baloo slowly goes to sleep. In his sleep though, Baloo is seen thrashing around violently and in pain. In his dreams, Baloo sees himself as he is in the series "Talespin" the scene then changes to him and Kit Cloudkicker flying in their plane. Some of Baloo's Tacos go flying out of the plane's windows]

Kit: Watch out, Baloo!

Baloo: Whoa, my Tacos!

[In another scene, Baloo and Rebecca Cunningham are seen passing by one another in a hallway]

Baloo: Hi, Rebecca.

Rebecca: Hi Baloo.

[While greeting each other, Baloo accidentally walks in a wall clumsily. Another scene change happens and Baloo is seen in his Mambo Outfits that he's usually seen wearing in the show's opening sequence. While dancing, Baloo is seen shaking his bra around showing off his cleavage. Eventually, Baloo wakes up in a panic while Mowgli and Bagheera check to see if he's okay]

Mowgli: What's wrong Baloo?

Baloo: Oh, I'm having those dreams again. About a life where I flew a plane, and ate Tacos, and sometimes dressed in Drag, not only to solve crimes but mostly because I just enjoyed it.

Bagheera: Oh that's ridiculous. You've always been a bear in the Jungle!

[Suddenly, Kaa the Snake drops down from the tree that Baloo is sleeping by and startles everyone]

Kaa: Who wantsssssss to be my dinner toni--?

Baloo: GET OFF OF ME!!

[In a panic, Baloo inadvertantly grabs Kaa by the throat and Kaa violently reacts by trying to snap at Baloo multiple times only to miss. Kaa then slithers around Baloo's waist to distract him and then lunges for him again, but Baloo cuts him off by punching him in the face a few times. Kaa lunges one more time, but Baloo catches him and then proceeds to break Kaa's jaw in a bloody display, killing Kaa. Mowgli looks terrified]

Mowgli: How did you do that Baloo?

Baloo: I don't know!

[Everyone screams in terror when Baloo is suddenly seen wearing his Drag outfit again out of the blue. Bagheera then talks into a watch by himself in secrecy]

Bagheera: He's catching on!

[In a conference room, several agents are seen observing the actions that just happened, revealing that Baloo's life in the Jungle is all a lie]

Agent 1: Agent 754 is in danger of remembering his former life as a bushpilot and C.I.A. asset. Looks like our plan has fallen into a real "Talespin." Talespin referring to both a plane flying out of control and a crazy story.

Agent 2: Yeah we get the wordplay.

[Baloo is seen sleeping again and once again he is thrashing around violently and in pain. This time in his dreams, King Louie can be seen shaking a pineapple around like a bottle of whiskey. The scene thene changes to parallel the Talespin counterpart of Louie in a Tiki Bar shaking an actual bottle of Whiskey while wearing a Hawaiian Shirt and Hat]

Baloo: Louie! [He and Louie are now seen in a Warehouse. Louie however is seen strapped up to an Electric Chair while Baloo is seen holding some electrified tongs, prepared to electrocute a terrified Louie] You're the missing piece Louie, and now you're going to tell me about my former life you dirty, fucking ape!

Louie: You mean "Project: Black Water?"

Baloo: Huh?

Louie: They put Black Dye into Water, and fed it to the Bears!--[As he continues to reveal the Truth to Baloo, a montage of scenes showing several Bears of different kinds dressed up like pilots and flying planes, only to crash them into the ground and causing several explosions. When Baloo is seen flying his plane, he is shown landing it perfectly]--In the hopes that it would allow them to pilot planes! 474 Bears crash-landed, it was terribly expensive. You were the only Bear that knew how to read an altometer!

Baloo: Altimeter.

Louie: SEE?! And now that your memory's returning, you're a danger to them! The things you know--

[Suddenly while explaining Baloo's situation, Louie is shot in the head and killed by a shadowy figure outside the Warehouse. Baloo follows after the figure until they're both on top of a rooftop. Baloo shoots his pistol a few times to stop the figure]

Baloo: Show yourself! [The hodded figure turns around and reveals herself to be Rebecca Cunningham] Rebecca?

Rebecca: That's right, it's me, Baloo. I can explain everything, as long as a bullet doesn't-- [As she is explaining herself to Baloo, she is shot in the head and killed too]

Baloo: NO! It's Payback Time!

[Back in the conference room that was scene in Scene 1, an unknown person is seen carrying some wine into the room]

Baloo: [offscreen, imitating a female voice] Drink sir?

Agent 1: No thanks.

Baloo: Are you sure? It's Black Water. [dressed in his Drag Outfit] was revealed to be the unknown person and is now seen holding a pistol at the Agents. This is gonna be a real drag! By which, I mean it will be a tedious bit unpleasant but also, I am a male wearing female garments.

Agent 2: Yeah we get the wordplay--

[While the 2nd agent is talking, he is cut off by Baloo shooting him in the head and killing him. The skit ends with Baloo shooting all the other agents in the room as they shout in terror]

The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's [7.18]

Bionic-1: Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved our lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool, new powers as the Bionic Six!

[The children cheer]

Mother-1: Uh, hun, maybe we should be thankful we're alive and not...

Announcer: BIONIC SIX!

IQ: Open wide!

Rock-1: You just got eighty-Bionic-Sixed!

Sports-1: [bat cracking] Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower-AAH! [gets riddled with bullets]

Announcer: BIONIC FIVE!

Mother-1: Eric?!

Bionic-1: Uh, his codename is Sports-1.

Mother-1: He was our son, and now he's dead! You asshole! We're getting a divorce.

Announcer: BIONIC FOUR!

Karate-1: WAA- [also gets riddled with bullets]

Announcer: BIONIC THREE!

IQ: You killed my brother! [crushes Rock-1]

Announcer: BIONIC TWO!

IQ: [crying] We never had any training... [crushes himself]

Announcer: BIONIC ONE!

BIONIC-1: Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing...GUH! [gets riddled with bullets]

Announcer: I AM OUT OF WORK!

Chipotle Miserables [7.19]

[We see a boy that plays with a Bop It.]

Bop It: Bop it!

'[He presses the purple button.]

Bop It: Twist it!

[He twists the yellow knob.]

Bop It: Pull it!

[He pulls the blue handle.]

Bop It: Bend it!

[He reaches under the button, replacing the handle with a rifle's butt stock and putting the handle and trigger next to the button.]

Bop It: Flip it!

[He flips out the aiming scope above the button.]

Bop It: Extend it!

[He extends the toy, replacing the knob with a rifle chamber, magazine, and loader, therefore completing the sniper rifle.]

Bop It: Load it!

Boy: (confused) What?

Bop It: Load it!

[The boy empties the Bop It box to pour out four bullets, and loads one of them into the Bop It sniper rifle.]

Bop It: Cock it!

[He cocks the sniper rifle so that it can shoot.]

Bop It: Read it!

Boy: (reading from the instruction manual) "Your target is Senator Carlton McDougal; the fifteenth floor of the Gilmore building will provide an unobstructed vantage point." ?

Bop It: Memorize it! Burn it!

[The boy seems scared at this, and then we cut to him standing in an office and holding the Bop It rifle out of the window as he pants in fear.]

Bop It: Aim it!

[We cut to the view of the aiming scope over McDougal, where he is giving a speech to the public.]

Bop It: Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!

[The boy, shaking all over, puts his finger on the trigger.]

Bop It: Squeeze it!

Boy: I can't - I can't do it!

Bop It: Squeeze it!

Boy: I can't! I can't! I can't!

Bop It: (louder than ever) Squeeze it!

[Not knowing what to do, he pulls the trigger and shoots McDougal in the head, killing him instantly, splattering his blood onto one of his bodyguards, shocking the bodyguards and his wife and greatly panicking the citizens. Another bodyguard dispatches security in his earpiece]

Boy: Oh, Ahh! (close to tears) God, help me!

Bop It: (now smoking) Beat it! Hoof it! Book it!

[The boy tries to run away, but two policemen come into the office, holding pistols.]

Police Officer: Who are you, and what are you doing?!

Bop It: Fake it!

Boy: (lying) Uh, I was playing with my toy--I-I-I want my mommy!

Police Officer: Why is your toy smoking?

Bop It: End it!

[The boy tries to commit suicide by shooting himself through the mouth, but the cops grab him, hold him down, and handcuff him.]

Police Officer: Kid! Give me that Bop It, kid!

Boy: Let me go!

[He takes the Bop It sniper rifle, and then we cut the boy as the witness in a courtroom.]

Judge: Is the mastermind behind the assassination in the courtroom today?

[We cut Bop It and its lawyer as the defendants with the jury behind them, the Bop It having gone back to normal.]

Bop It: Zip it!

[The boy points to the Bop It, making the jury gasp, and then we cut to the Bop It in a jail cell with a prisoner that unzips his pants.]

Prisoner: Suck it.

Bop It: (frustrated) Damn it!

[We end with static as always.]

The Robot Chicken Lots of Holidays But Don't Worry Christmas is Still In There Too so Pull the Stick Out of Your Ass Fox News Special [7.20]

And now back to "The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole" Christmas special.

Who? Who? [Wings flapping] Who is watching this program? [sighs] Man, Christmas gets all the animated specials. I wish someone would do one for the other holidays. That would be so cool. [inhales, yawns] So... cool. [warble!] [groans] Huh?! Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! - He's a maniac! Help! - Both: Huh? Oh! What?! [Panting, crying] Whoops! Unh! What? Oh, boy. [funky, mid-tempo music plays] Ow! Your feet! Yeeow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, my god! [sneezes] Uh...hey! Ow! Yeow! Yeow! Uh, that's okay. No, thank you. No, no, no. [Chatters] What the [bleep] Unh! Unh! Oh, yeah! I think I love you. Here goes. My New Year's resolution is - to quit drinking! - ... ... ... - Happy New Year! - All: Yay! [Twinkle!] Whoa! You're baby New Year! Did you come here to help me ring in ? No, Jim. I came to talk to you about the promise you made. Remember ... to give up drinking? But I made that resolution seconds ago. It's binding. Hyah! [Screaming] ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ The Chipmunks' Christmas album went double-mahogany on the charts. So we decided to release a holiday album for - the other holidays. - # Theodore # Take a listen. [mid-tempo music plays] All: # St. Patrick's day is finally here # ♪ time to drink our weight in beer ♪ ♪ sipping green ale from a can ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ And what's sure to be a halloween classic. All: # hello, people, trick or treat # ♪ I hope you give us something sweet ♪ ♪ give us candy, that's the plan ♪ ♪ I think I blew a homeless man ♪ Uh, Theodore, I think you're repeating the lyric - from St. Patrick's day. - Nope. I blew a homeless man on Halloween also. I was high on candy. - Okay! Well, there's ... - And PCP. There's also a great song for Thanksgiving! All: # hooray, it's finally turkey day # ♪ we'll drink and laugh our cares away ♪ ♪ eat pies of pumpkin and pecan ♪ I probably didn't blow a homeless man...? Theodore, this is a safe place. ♪ Okay, I definitely blew a homeless man ♪ [bells jingle] # He sees you when you're healthy # ♪ he knows when you feel sick ♪ [coughs] # he knows if you've been naughty or nice # ♪ that's right, Santa can't be tricked ♪ All right, let's go over my naughty-and-nice list for this year. Well, Billy Marchetti in Rochester stole a candy bar. Looks like someone is now on my naughty list. But he did it because his family's on welfare and his mom traded all the food stamps for heroin. Oh. Um... Hmm. That's a tough one. ♪ He watches when you're home ♪ ♪ he knows when you're away ♪ ♪ he's also starting to realize ♪ ♪ that life is morally gray ♪ Regina from Nome, Alaska, got an "A" on her math quiz. Well, that's cut-and-dried ... a gift for Regina. - But only because she cheated. - Okay, coal for Regina. Bu-u-u-u-u-u-t... she only cheated on the test because she can't read the blackboard due to the fact - she's dyslexic. - Aghhh! ♪ He's having an existential crisis ♪ ♪ that smug look's wiped off of his face ♪ Guys. Guys, stop. Stop singing. All right? Just ... just stop. I have a lot of things to think about. [wind whistling] Help yourself to some cookies, Sherry. I made them for the whole office. I told myself I wouldn't. But hey, yolo. Unh! ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ Mother, are you watching over me, like Simba's dad did for him? [echoing] Here I am, Bambi. Oh, wow! Mom! D-Do you have any sage - advice for me? - Yes, my son. The rampant deer population is a real problem. - You have to k*ll yourself. - I-I thought you were gonna tell me, like, I was the one true king or something. No. You're a deer. Deer are meaningless! Meaningless... meaningless. Oh, I wish I had known her, father. - Yes, she was quite wonderful. - Tell me ... what was she like? Unh! Unh! Unh! Yeah! [dolphin squeals] Oh, she was enthusiastic, the most beautiful one in her pod. Oh, that's ... Wait ... pod? What pod? [yiddish accent] Nemo, put on your yarmulke - for your mother. - I don't want to! We're fish! - This is stupid! - Put on your yarmulke, Nemo! I'm tired of your shit! Sh'ma. Fishrael fish adonai... Happy Mother's day from all of us in the Disney family - who've lost our mothers. - Mickey, do you miss - your mama, too? - Ha! No! She ate all my brothers and sisters. Mice are monsters. [lisping] Oh, no. It's Valentine's day, and I have too many dates. Happy Hanukkah, Joshua. Here. I got you lots of Hanukkah gelt. [hip-hop music plays] [rapping] # I got so much Hanukkah gelt # ♪ yo, this musta been how Rockefeller felt ♪ ♪ chocolate money, it ain't even funny ♪ ♪ keep my wallet in the freezer so that shit don't melt ♪ ♪ I walk into the club, and I make it rain ♪ ♪ and now your booty all covered in a chocolate stain ♪ ♪ gelt in my socks, gelt in the banks ♪ ♪ I give gelt to my homies, and they say... ♪ - Together: Thanks! - # I give gelt to the Germans, - and they say... # - Together: Danke! ♪ I got more chocolate than Willy Wonka ♪ ♪ so much gelt, it'll make you sick ♪ ♪ I got more hot cocoa than Ice-T's [bleep] ♪ ♪ so much chocolate, make ya pop ya belt ♪ ♪ ya understand me, mother [bleep] ♪ - # I got so much gelt # - [gasps] Hey! This money's made of chocolate. You owe us grand. Oy gevalt! Happy Memorial day, my smurfs! This is the day on which we honor all the fallen smurfs of smurfs past. Myspace smurf. [bell tolls] Payphone smurf. [bell tolls] Ohhh, "Talk to the hand" smurf. [bell tolls] Michael Dukakis smurf. [bell tolls] I'm sensing a trend here. All of these smurfs were - kind of outdated. - Yes, it is a sad thing when a smurf outlives his usefulness. I mean, dies. Well, did these smurfs die of natural causes? Well, let me think. [twinkle!] Hmm. Doesn't look busy enough. [g*n] [g*n] Ew! Talk to the han... [g*n] [g*n] Yep ... natural causes. You sure about that? [dramatic music plays] Handy smurf ... tonight. He knows too much. Mrrow. [sighs] I swore I'd stop spanking it, but I just can't say no to you, Marjory. Unh! Unh! Unh! Broke your resolution, eh? [choking] - This makes it so much better! - I'm gonna sit this one out. ♪ Baby New Year, resolution enforcer ♪ I love spending these nights together, baby. Just me, you, and the desolation of nature. I love you, St. Nick. [rumbling] What the [bleep] Santa! Mrs. Claus! It is a true honor to meet you. I ... Hey, thanks for blocking our - view, dumbass! - Oh. Sorry. I didn't know your place was here when I threw the crystal. Good thing I didn't hook it, or your house would be in my living room. [laughs] There's a million [bleep] miles of ice up here, and you pick feet from our house for this... - Fortress of solitude. - You built your Fortress of solitude next to the only other house in the entire Arctic?! It'll be nice to have a neighbor. - Would you like some tea? - Another time, ma'am. Duty calls. Up, up, and away! Douche. Blitzen, have you been chewing on my boots again? Oh, god! [sighs] Son of a bitch. I had a fun thought. Why don't you wear - a cape tonight? - What? With an "S" on it. You know ... for "Santa." [growls] Hello? Homeowners association? Superman's place is so close to mine, I can smell it when he takes a crap. Oh. Fine. Whatever. All right, see if Superman brings your kid that new wheelchair this Christmas. The H.O.A. won't kick him out unless I find just cause, huh? Hmm. What kind of weirdo builds an entire miniature city in a bottle? Ow! Tiny people! We've got tiny superpeople here! What the hell?! Aaaaargh! Ahhh! [techno music plays in distance] [groans] That's it! [slurred] Who the [bleep] are you? Who the [bleep] are you? This party is too g*dd*mn loud! Where's Superman? What the...? - Rudolph? - Huh? - Naw, man. I'm D.J. Venison. - Betrayal! Hey, everyone. Grandpa says we're being too loud. [music stops] [angry murmuring] What?! Which one of you buttholes is sh**ting arrows?! Yaaaaah! - Hello, neighbor! - Suck on this ruling, Tinker Bell! - The H.O.A. says you're out! - Well, the rules are the rules. Guess I should start packing. [laughs] Yeah. You do that. Don't forget to write. Oh, it's gonna be a good day, Martha. No more Superm... What the ... Superma-a-a-a-a-n! I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere, Martha. - I'll look some more ... - Tomorrow. Morning. - Mm! - Ohhh! [warble!] Ehhhhh?! - Oh, boy. - Shh. - Don't speak. - Mnnnnnh! [funky, mid-tempo music plays] [dramatic music plays] Oh! [gasps] - Friend of yours? - [gasps] Ohh!