Robot Wars (TV series)
Robot Wars is a British game show modelled on a US-based competition of the same name. It was broadcast on BBC Two from 1998 until 2003 and again in 2016, with its final series broadcast on Five in 2003 and 2004. Additional series were filmed for specific sectors of the global market, including two series of Robot Wars Extreme Warriors with U.S. competitors for the TNN network (hosted by Mick Foley and Rebecca Grant), and two of Dutch Robot Wars for distribution in the Netherlands. The fourth series of the UK Robot Wars was brought to the United States on TNN as Robot Wars: Grand Champions in 2002, and hosted by Joanie Laurer. In 2003, the roboteers themselves formed The Fighting Robot Association and with their associated event organisers, carry on participating in competitions for new audiences. The US had their version of Robot Was on Nickelodeon. And it was hosted David Azer (one of the host of the Now defunct Nickelodeon GAS: Games and Sports for Kids)
- Jeremy Clarkson: Man may have tempered the spectre of nuclear evil but, tonight, I have the unenviable task of reporting that warfare has been taken out of man's hands. We're now at the mercy of machines and a battle - the likes of which we have never seen before - is about to begin. Outside the studio, women have lashed themselves to the railings. Britain is about to witness the birth of Robot Wars. Which is all about robots... fighting.
̇** The very first introduction to Robot Wars.
- Peter Kinsey of Roadblock team: [preparing to go into a fight against Nemesis] Trouble is, we just can't make up our mind what blade to use.
- Phillipa Forrester: Just because you look pretty, doesn't mean you can't cause a lot of damage.
- Jonathan Pearce: Leighbot? Pepperpot! You could pour pepper out of that Leighbot machine now! Look at the holes!
- Jonathan Pearce: [as the House Robots attack Wedgehog] Matilda's in, looking for a few scraps, as usual, Shunt takes on Robot the Bruce, but I think it's too little too late! Robot the Bruce is the winner! [Cease is called, sending Robot the Bruce to the Grand Final]
- [interview after the Stock Car trials; Krayzee Tokyo has been eliminated due to having covered the least distance]
- Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, no, no, no, the one that looks like a dustbin or something is out. And you jumped the start! Come on!
- Kevin Church of Krayzee Tokyo team: It wasn't my fault!
- Jeremy Clarkson: Well, whose fault is it? Father Christmas'?
- Kevin Church: It's whoever's got the other controller on the same frequency.
- Jeremy Clarkson: That's the worst excuse I've ever heard in my entire life.
- Jonathan Pearce: [as the House Robots attack Wheelosaurus] This is carnage! They're after blood and oil!
- Announcer: Please welcome the man who oils Kryten's bearings, Craig Charles.
- Jonathan Pearce: Ah, brilliant, superb gymnastics from Cassius!
- Craig Charles: Now, in my day, there were three things a fella needed to shave: a razor, some shaving foam, and enough loo roll to bandage the whole of the wounded at the Somme. But nowadays, it's all performance toiletries. Like, for all I know, a jet propelled tooth brush and a 200 wipes per minute toilet roll - sounds nasty. But there is one bit of progress I am bang up to date with, and that's robots. And here, our robotic innovations are gonna do battle for a place in our series semi-finals.
- Jonathan Pearce: I'd love to see the Chaos 2 flipper against Matilda, you know, or any one of the House Robots.
- Announcer: Please welcome the man who thought a Kalashnikov was a form of bronchitis, Craig Charles.
- Craig Charles: I’ve tried lots of therapies in my time. I went to see a child psychologist once, but he was terrible - well, he was only seven. He said to me: "What’s the first thing you think of when I say the word "mother"?"; and I said “Me mother”! So he suggested I go to the Samaritans instead, but I thought a Samaritan was one of those oranges you only get at Christmas. And then he suggested colonic irrigation, but what do I know about farming?! But I’ve finally found a therapy that really is right up my alley: it’s called Robot Wars. And right now, another eight angry patients are waiting to air their grievances in the arena! Look out, doctor - they may need sedating! Phillipa, who's in the waiting room?
- Craig Charles: [about Hypno-Disc, after it completely decimates Robogeddon in its first battle] I wouldn't wanna find that in my laundry basket, never mind Sir Killalot.
[Cassius 2 loses against Pussycat in Round 2]
- Craig Charles: You were actually my favorite robot to win this. I had my money on you guys.
- Rex Garrod: Well, you lost again!
- Craig Charles: Well, you can grovel and beg, when you're down on all fours. But we'll show no mercy, on Robot Wars. Bye-bye.
[Killerhurtz loses against Cerberus in Round 1 after driving itself into the Pit of Oblivion]
- John Reid: I cannot believe we did that!
- Philippa Forrester: Well, we thought it was quite funny.
- Jonathan Pearce: [about Medusa 2000] It has a 5cm ground clearance, which may not seem like a lot to you or I... [Chaos 2 flips Medusa] Oh! But in Robot Wars, it's a chasm!
- Jonathan Pearce: [about Attila the Drum] They can win this by doing very little in the entire Annihilator!
- [After the competition, a somewhat moving tribute to fallen House Robot, Matilda, has met her bitter end at the hands of Razer.]
- Jonathan Pearce: Matilda, created at the dawn of Robot Wars, R.I.P. - Rust In Peace. D.I.A. - Destroyed In Action. D.Y.W.B. - D'you wanna bet?!
- [Or has she? Matilda re-enters the arena covered in bandages. The crowd goes wild.]
- Jonathan Pearce: Oh, yes! The Matriarch of Mayhem, the Sister of Slice & Dice, the Grandmother of Grinding Metal... WILL BE BAAAAAACK!!!
Craig Charles' poems
"You've seen strange things happen behind closed doors, but nothing's quite so wicked as Robot Wars."
"You can ask for robot presents from Santa Claus, but you'd better beg for mercy from Robot Wars!"
"You can stick your vegetarians and your old carnivores, we only eat metal here on Robot Wars!"
"We've had hundreds of robots banging on the doors, but only the best get on Robot Wars!"
"Beware competitors who've got glass jaws, we don't pull our punches on Robot Wars!"
"If there's one thing that your television licence ensures, it's robot mayhem on Robot Wars!"
"We don't use camera tricks or hidden trap doors, the danger's for real on Robot Wars!"
"We've got our own rules, and we've got our own laws, but controversy rules on Robot Wars!"
"While the roboteers, on their fingernails gnaw, it's always time for action here on Robot Wars."
"If you look in a teepee, you'll find Indian squaws, wishing they had a telly to watch Robot Wars!"
"Forget about polishing the arena floor, it's covered in debris after Robot Wars!"
Ending Disclaimer (from the Nickelodeon version)
- Announcer: And remember: Building robots is extremely dangerous, And should not be attempted without great care.
About Robot Wars (TV series)
- Yeah, well the first day, I was in the dressing room and looking in the mirror, and looking down at the arena. And they were pulling the robots into the arena on an invisible twine because nothing was working. And I was thinking: "Oh my God, what have I done with my career?" And you know, within the blink of an eye, it was the most watched show on BBC2.
- Craig Charles