Roseanne was a television sitcom that ran from 1988-1997 and lasted nine seasons. It starred Roseanne Barr and John Goodman, along with Laurie Metcalf, Lecy Goranson, and Sara Gilbert.
Life and Stuff [1.1]
- Dan: Are you ever sorry we got married?
- Roseanne: Every second of my life.
- Dan: Me, too.
- Roseanne: You are, really?
- Dan: [thinks] Nah.
- Roseanne: OK, me neither, then.
- Roseanne: The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne!
- Dan: Oh yeah?
- Roseanne: Yeah! And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard - oh, poof, the laundry's folded; poof, dinner's on the table!
- Dan: You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!
- Roseanne: Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!
- Roseanne: [exasperated at Becky and Darlene's arguing] This is why some animals eat their young.
- BeckyL Mom Dad Darlene cut her finger off!
- Roseanne What Happened?
- Becky She cut herself with the scissors.
- Roseanne O.K. Let's Go
- Becky: Take her to the emergency room. She needs a tourniquet!
- Roseanne: Shut up, honey!
We're in the Money [1.2]
- Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
- Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
- Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
- Roseanne: And they're all better than you, I bet.
- Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
- Roseanne: You're not either.
- Dan: I'm the best!
- Roseanne: You're the worst!
- Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
- Roseanne: (to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?
Language Lessons [1.4]
- Dan: You only married me for my cooking.
- Roseanne: Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!
- [In the garage]
- Jackie: She's always telling people how to live their lives...
- Dan: Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
- Roseanne: [from outside] Well, I do!
- Dan: It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.
- Jackie: Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.
- Dan: Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never badmouth my chili!
- Roseanne: You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
- Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.
- Roseanne: Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.
Radio Days [1.5]
- Becky: Mom!!!
- Roseanne: She's not here.
- Roseanne: [to Becky and Darlene] OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. Give me that pillow [takes pillow from Darlene] and give me that blanket, too.[takes blanket from Becky] All right, now turn around and face each other here. [the girls face each other]. Now I want you two to fight to the death.
- Becky: I'll get the tape.
- Darlene: No, I'll get the tape.
- Roseanne: I'll get my tubes tied.
Lovers' Lane [1.6]
Roseanne: (Booker is getting ready to bowl) Booker, Did you get that infection cleared up?(Booker drops the ball behind him)
The Memory Game [1.7]
- Dan: Where's your school spirit?
- Roseanne: I lost it on prom night with everything else.
- Becky: I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.
- Darlene: That makes two of us.
Here's to Good Friends [1.8]
Dan's Birthday Bash [1.9]
- Dan: You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
- Roseanne: Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
- Dan: You noticed.
- Roseanne: Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.
- Roseanne: Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?
- Dan: Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.
- Dwight: I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.
- Dan: Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.
- Dwight: You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?
- Dan: Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"
- Jackie: [regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.
- Roseanne: Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.
Canoga Time [1.11]
- Dan: Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?
- Jackie: No, I have a date.
- Dan: Animal, vegetable or mineral?
- Jackie: Booker.
- Roseanne: Vegetable.
- Darlene: [attempting to change a grade on her report card] I can't match this red ink. [Miss] Crane probably drains the blood out of stray cats to get her ink!
- Booker: [trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!
- Roseanne: Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.
The Monday Thru Friday Show [1.12]
- Dan: What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.
- Jackie: Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
- Roseanne: Yeah, paradise lost.
- Darlene: I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.
- Dan: Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.
Bridge Over Troubled Sonny [1.13]
- DJ: Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.
- Roseanne: Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!
- Dan: Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]
- [Becky catches Darlene smoking]
- Becky: What do you think you're doing?
- Darlene: What does it look like, Einstein?
- Becky: You're gonna die, you know that?
- Darlene: From one cigarette?
- Becky: Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.
Father's Day [1.14]
- [Darlene is playng with trick handcuffs]
- Roseanne: You know, Darlene, I have the feeling that you're going to have an even nicer pair of those someday.
Nightmare on Oak Street [1.15]
- [ D.J. comes in the Conner's garage with hair clips in his hair ]
- D.J: How do I look Dad?
- Dan: Beautiful.
- D.J: Guys aren't supposed to look beautiful!
- Dan: Damn beautiful.
- D.J: That's better!
- Becky: I wonder what people did before television.
- Roseanne: They made dolls out of corn cobs and stared at fire.
- Dan: I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it, and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up, and it would get closer, and I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.
- Roseanne: You're scary.
- Darlene: Will everybody stop talking about nightmares? I didn't have a nightmare!
- Roseanne: If you didn't have a nightmare, then why'd you have trouble goin' to sleep?
- Dan: Were you worried about your basketball game?
- Darlene: No, I wasn't worried about my basketball game.
- Roseanne: Did you screw up in history again Darlene?
- Darlene: No, I didn't screw up in history again.
- Roseanne: Well then, what is the matter?
- Darlene: I got my period! Okay?
- Jackie (to Roseanne): So what's going on?
- Roseanne: Darlene got her period last night.
- Jackie: No kidding? She's only 11.
- Roseanne: I was 11 when I got my period.
- Jackie: Yeah, but you were already wearing a D-cup.
- Roseanne: Yeah, two of them.
- Jackie: The poor kid's just been sentenced to 45 years of monthly inconvenience.
- Roseanne: Gee Jackie, I hope I can find a way to pass that enlightened wisdom on to my daughter.
- Jackie: You will, just tell her about all those famous athletic women types, and how they all get their periods too.
- (Roseanne and Jackie recall how their mother dealt with their first periods)
- Jackie: What about when she brought home pamphlets from the Red Cross?
- Roseanne: For two weeks, I thought what I had was a natural disaster.
Mall Story [1.16]
- Becky: Mom, Darlene and DJ are killing each other out there.
- Roseanne: What's the bad news?
- Roseanne: (to Becky) We gotta wait for your dad to park the car. Then we gotta hear the Epic Saga.
- Darlene: Dad, I need money.
- DJ: No, she doesn't!
- Darlene: Go suck on a loafer. C'mon Dad, Mom won't gimme any!
- Dan: She probably has a good reason.
- Darlene: No, just cheapness.
- Dan: There's no way I'm spending my Saturday sitting in a shoe store waiting to be waited on with 50 other guys who are waiting to be waited on. I ain't buying shoes. That's it. End of discussion.
- Roseanne: And get a couple of extra pairs of laces too.
- Roseanne: Ya know, I love malls...you can live, die, and learn to play the organ, all under one roof!
- Becky: (sulking) I'm never eating again.
- Roseanne: Okay, but you're still doing the dishes.
Becky's Choice [1.17]
- Roseanne: [coming home from the grocery store while Dan, Darlene and D.J. play baseball] Get your popcorn, get your peanuts, get over here and help me with these damn bags!
- Darlene: Do I HAVE to get dressed up for this boring dinner?
- Roseanne: No, we're all dining naked.
- Darlene: AGAIN?!
- Darlene: This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress...
- Roseanne: And then you're gonna do the stupid dishes.
- Dan: [forbidding Becky to see Johnny] I want you to get on the phone, you call the tongue bandit, and tell him you ain't goin' nowhere tonight.
- Dan: Something is about to occur that is gonna wish you were to woke up as a different person, in a different house, in a different country, on a different planet.
- [Behind him, the doorbell rings. Dan opens the door to reveal Edgar and Bonnie standing there, all smiles, carrying a box]
- Bonnie: Croissants!
- [Dan and Roseanne are speechless]
- Becky: [about Johnny] It's none of your business!
- Roseanne: It IS my business when you start sneakin' out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leavin' your father for!
- Roseanne: You know, Becky, what you did is gonna make it to ZIT Magazine's Ten Most Vicious Teens!
- Darlene: So how long's Becky grounded for?
- D.J.: What'd she do?
- Roseanne: She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.
The Slice of Life [1.18]
- [Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene is having an appendectomy]
- Roseanne: Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'
- Roseanne: I found it, Darlene!
- Darlene: What?
- Roseanne: The floor of your room!
Workin' Overtime [1.19]
- [The ladies have just learned that Booker is assigning them an extra hour of overtime because of a mistake Jackie made on her machine.]
- Jackie: I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.
- Roseanne: Yeah, and you know which one.
- Waitress: My Marvin passed away about 7 years ago. I miss him. He was a good man. The hardest part is going home at night to an empty house. It's so damn quiet. Y'know, sometimes, I turn on the ball game and turn it up real loud like he used to do. And I hate sports! But what are you gonna do?
- Roseanne: [examining D.J.'s artwork] This is a pretty picture. Is this one for school? There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?
- D.J.: [points to a spot on picture] Right there.
- Roseanne: That looks like a bunch of flowers.
- D.J.: I know. That's her grave.
- [D.J. grins at Darlene, who glares back]
Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore [1.20]
- Becky: [yelling at Darlene] How come I found my new sweater in the bottom of your grungy closet?
- Roseanne: Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?
- Becky: [frustrated at the washing machine] I HATE this house! Nothing ever works!
- Roseanne: [cooking] Except me.
- Crystal: I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there!
- Roseanne: Great, no more Geraldo!
- Becky: [about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?
- Roseanne: Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.
- Jackie: Fork over the bread, Fred.
- Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
- Jackie: Thanks for the cash...stupid.
- Roseanne:(After hearing about the tornado watch), okay, eveybody duck and cover.
- Roseanne: What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.
- Roseanne: [scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!
- Darlene: Yours or mine?
- Roseanne: Your father's!
- Crystal: How do you like yours [marshmallows], Roseanne?
- Roseanne: Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.
- Roseanne:(To DJ) Don't bother your aunt Jackie when she's in the middle of a breakdown.
- Roseanne: (After hearing loud bumping noise outside of the front door, scaring Crystal.) It's for you, Crystal!
(Roseanne and Dan bump into eachother in the hallway to the kitchen, making them both yell, scaring Crystal)
- Crystal: What was it?
- Dan: Nothing.
- Roseanne: I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!
- Becky: Mom, can Darlene and I go and see what's left of the neighborhood?
- Roseanne: Yeah, be careful where you walk though, and no looting unless it fits me.
- Darlene: Our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood!
- Roseanne: What'd you bring it back for? This was my big chance to get rid of it.
Death and Stuff [1.21]
- Darlene: Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?
- Becky: Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?
- Roseanne: Will you get the hell out of my house?
- Salesman: Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.
- Roseanne: [closes the door] I already been saved.
- [After the salesman dies on the table]
- Roseanne:(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!
- Dan: Check it again!
- Roseanne: I know how to count to zero!
- Roseanne: Well, don't look at me. If we would have had sex like I wanted to, none of this would have happened.
- Darlene: How's my baklava?
- Police Officer: It's very hot. Don't touch it.
- Darlene: [touches baklava] Ow!
- Roseanne: You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?
- Coroner: [checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.
- Roseanne: Well, there's that in-depth medical expertise we've been waitin' for.
Dear Mom and Dad [1.22]
- Dan: Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.
- Roseanne: Milk.
- Dan: We need eggs.
- Roseanne: Eggs.
- Dan: Bullets.
- Bev: What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?
- Dan: A hitlist.
- Roseanne: If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.
Let's Call It Quits [1.23]
- Mr. Faber: How long you been here, anyway?
- Roseanne: Long enough.
- Mr. Faber: Your, uh, personnel file says "11 years."
- Roseanne: You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but you see any of them around here?
- Mr. Faber: [after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.
- [following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quitting. One by one, Vonda, Sylvia, and Crystal do the same.]
- Roseanne: I guess we're not going to make our quota today, Honey-bunch.
- Jackie: It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?
- Roseanne: Sally Field!
Inherit the Wind [2.1]
- Dan: [Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?
- Darlene: Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.
- Becky: Darlene, you have such a big mouth.
- Darlene: And you have such a small chest.
- Becky: At least I have a chest!
- Darlene: At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.
- Roseanne: Hey, leave me out of this!
- Becky: You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.
- Darlene: And a two-ply chest!
- Becky: Hermaphrodite!
- Darlene: [temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]
- Darlene: Well, just as Becky completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.
- Roseanne: What happened?
- Darlene: Becky. Cut. The cheese.
- Darlene: People are already calling her "Conner-the-Bomber."
- Roseanne: I heard you laid down the law.
- Becky: Who told you?
- Roseanne: It was on the news... Darlene told me.
- Crystal: Lonnie told me about Becky's unfortunate accident. I'm so sorry.
- Roseanne: Yeah, we're thinking about putting her to sleep.
- Darlene: Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on?
- Roseanne: Invoices. I'm ordering new children.
- Darlene: Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially tattooed Latin boy of sixteen?
- Roseanne: 'Cause that's my Christmas present to myself.
Little Sister [2.2]
- Dan: Hey, we missing an offspring?
- Roseanne: Yeah, where did ya think I got the bacon?
- Jackie: You act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.
- Roseanne: Yeah, and you go right for your addictive behavior. Uh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on Oprah: People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.
- [starts nibbling another pancake]
- Jackie: Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses shouldn't eat stones.
- Jackie: Roseanne, Goodbye.
- Roseanne: Oh, Jackie, Grow up!
- Jackie: Oh, Go to Hell! (Slams the door)
- Roseanne: This IS Hell!
- Darlene: [grilling Becky about why Becky was caught reading Dan's girlie magazine] You wanna be like those girls, don't you?
- Becky: Shut UP!
- Darlene: You know you do. [mimicking fashion model movements] Why don't you show Mom and Dad your Sexy Walk?
- Becky: [hitting Darlene on the arm] I hate you, Darlene. [flees the kitchen]
- Darlene: [grabbing her arm] OWWWW, you sexy thing!!!
Roseanne (Singing) We ARe Family Becky: Don't You Ever Touch my things again, Darlene Roseanne: (Continues singings) I got all my sisters and me Darlene: I'll touch it what I want.
Guilt by Disassociation [2.3]
- Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house presentable.
- Darlene: Rub a lamp.
- Roseanne: (after telling Dan he made her quit her job) The hell you didn't!
- Dan: The hell I did!
Somebody Stole My Gal [2.4]
- Roseanne: (to Dan) What'd you get us for later? (Dan shows her a video and they both giggle heavily) That's perfect!
- Roseanne: (to Becky about Darlene) You can't take her to that party. There'll be boys there.
- Darlene: There are boys at school and you let me go there.
- DJ: I can't work this damn thing.
- Roseanne: Where'd you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a VCR.
- Roseanne: I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.
- Dan: (to Roseanne who is struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome) It's too bad that you can't accept the fact that people have to live their own lives. Just because a bird leaves the nest doesn't mean it's gonna get creamed by the Concorde.
- Dan: Becky! Darlene! C'mon, We're going to the mall with Uncle Bert!
(Roseanne and Dan are struggling to get the new fridge out the door)
- Dan: Damn, this thing's heavy. Oh!
- Roseanne: Shut up! Twist on it. Now turn it this way. You're hitting the fucking table!
- Dan: Fuck the table. Open the door!
- Roseanne: Wait! get off my fucking foot. You got to pull it straight back. All right, We have to make a big fucking turn here.
- Dan: Honey, help me out here. Help straighten me out here.
- Roseanne: Wait. wait. wait. O.k., take it back. Straight! O.k., now pull it outwide to the right. The right! out this way. O.k., now straighten it out. O.k. No! you're hitting the door. O.k., a little more this way. This way. This way. O.k., straight. O.k.
- (Dan and Roseanne manage to get the fridge out the door)
- Dan: I'm going to kill the son of a bitch if I ever see him again.
House of Grown-Ups [2.5]
- Roseanne: I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.
- [Becky is demonstrating to Darlene how to kiss]
- Becky: Then you open your mouth a little bit.
- Darlene: You open your mouth! For what?
- Roseanne: [walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.
- Becky: When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?
- Roseanne: Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me: work, work, work.
Five of a Kind [2.6]
- Jackie: (to Roseanne while Roseanne and Jackie discussing Arnie kissing Roseanne) Well, you know what? You're right. I don't like it when a guy thinks he can come up and handle you like you're a rubber thong in a discount bin.
- Arnie (to Roseanne): You coming back down?
- Roseanne: No, I got a heli-port on the roof.
- Arnie: Cool.
- Jackie: Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?
- Roseanne: Oh yeah, she was scary.
- Becky: Who's Mrs. Osmand?
- Jackie: Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.
- Roseanne: Too bad she never did it on Halloween.
- Jackie: Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?
- Roseanne: Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.
- Darlene: Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?
- Roseanne: If she's truly insane she will.
- Roseanne: (After hearing Becky's mean attitude) Geez, I thought I was the Wicked Witch.
- Becky: ( To Darlene popping her head up from looking in the fridge) Why don't you shut your thin lipped little mouth!
Sweet Dreams [2.8]
- Roseanne: I love my children.
- Judge: Then why did you murder them!
- Roseanne: Your honor, all I wanted was 10 minutes alone in my own bathroom!
- Roseanne: You can't put someone on the stand I already killed!
- Jackie: Allegedly killed, your Honor.
- Judge: Overruled.
- Becky: Mom, are you through in the bathroom yet?
- Dan: Honey, I'm through in there.
- Darlene: Mom, I did my homework, but I still need you to sign here.
- DJ: Mom, can you make me a sandwich?
- Roseanne (opens her eyes and sees her family): Oh no! You're alive!
We Gather Together [2.9]
- Roseanne: And don't say a thing to mom about you being a cop.
- Jackie: Why not?
- Roseanne: Because I don't want her dropping dead of a heart attack at the dinner table!
- Dan: Why not?
- Roseanne: Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt!
- Beverly (to Jackie): How could you do something so impulsive, so wreckless! You could get killed or maimed! Roseanne, did you know about this?
- Roseanne: I guess so...
- Beverly: Well why didn't she say something to me about it?
- Jackie: I don't want to talk about this anymore! (starts sobbing)
- Roseanne: Well that's one thing I love about this family, we don't want to talk about something, so we bring it up at the dinner table! Here! Have some turkey! (slaps down a grotesquely carved turkey)
Brain-Dead Poets Society [2.10]
- Darlene: I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high school so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job and get out of this hellhole town!
- Roseanne: But if you could be expressive, what would you say?
- [Darlene has to recite her poem aloud]
- Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late
It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate.
To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this
And I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this?
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment
Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement.
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with a ball
But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall.
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen
Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen.
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel
When I get blindsided, my pain is quite real.
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns.
I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns.
- Martin: [reading poem at Culture Night] Away, away, why do you stay? Fly away, bird. It looks at me and still it hops, and hops, and hops. Fly away.
- Roseanne: [aside, to Jackie] Got a gun on ya?
- Martin: It spreads it's wings, and flies away, away, it does not look back. That's it.
- Becky: Mother, I haven't seen you all week. You're neglecting me.
- Roseanne: I know honey, but it's nothing personal. I'm neglecting your brother and sister too.
- Roseanne: Are you feeliing ignored? Are you feeling unappreciated?
- Dan: You're gonna be feeling single in about two seconds.
No Talking [2.12]
[At dinner, nobody's talking to one another]
- D.J.: What's going on?
- Becky: Got me.
- D.J.: Mom, what's going on?
- Roseanne: We're playing a game.
- D.J.: Can I play?
- Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.
- Becky: Can I have my allowance?
- Dan: It's an honor to have you on the payroll.
- Becky: (to Roseanne after hearing she is grounded for another week) You're being totally unfair just because I don't want to eat your stinkin' beans!
- Roseanne: Wrong, I'm being totally unfair because that is my job!
- Dan (about Becky): She's just trying to get a rise out of you.
- Roseanne: She's been trying to get a rise out of me for the last month.
- Dan: What're you talking about?
- Roseanne: Where've you been, Dan? She comes home from school, yells at me and locks herself in her room. The only time she comes out is to either yak on the phone or give me grief.
- Dan: Great Caesar's Ghost, she's acting like a 14-year-old.
- Roseanne: Anyway, what do you know about this? You're not even a mom!
- Jackie: When are you gonna quit throwing that up to me?!
- Roseanne: When your water breaks!
Chicken Hearts [2.13]
- Roseanne: [to Brian, after learning that she is fired] I need that job, and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough yet to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be, and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.
- Roseanne: I've definitely sunk to an all-time new low: I've been fired by Opie.
- Brian (to Roseanne): You are paid to follow my orders. It isn't always pretty, but this is the business we've chosen.
- Roseanne: You've got a big booger hanging out of your nose!
- Roseanne: I've got two more pancakes here!
- DJ: I want French toast!
- Roseanne: Well, you better move to Europe.
- Brian: Now this is supposed to be fast food, people. And we can't exactly call it fast.
- Roseanne: Why not? We call it food.
- Roseanne: I guess you can catch more flies with manure, than with honey.
One for the Road [2.14]
- Darlene: You have a big mouth.
- Roseanne: No I don’t... BECKY!!!!
- Roseanne: For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!
- Becky: Mom, everything I do... everything I feel, it's always "Well, she's 14." I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Well, she's 37."
- Roseanne: [pauses] ...36 and a half.
- Darlene: How come the liquor cabinet is open?
- Becky: [drunk] I dunno. Maybe the wine had to breathe!
- Becky: [drunk] This is my sister Lardene. Larlene. Dardene!
- [Dana pokes Darlene]
- Darlene: WHAT?!
- Dana: Where's your bathroom?
- Becky: Oh, we don't have a bathroom, we use a wok. [laughs hysterically]
- Darlene: [as Roseanne and Dan are starting to chew out Becky] I'm gonna go upstairs and flush the wok.
- Becky: What is the problem?!! You guys drink all the time!
- Dan: First of all, we don't drink all the time; second of all, we're not talking about US!
- Becky: (sarcastically) Look, I have one drink and you're acting like I'm an alcoholic. Oh quick, I'll call the 800 number.
- Roseanne: We ARE your 800 number, Becky.
An Officer and a Gentleman [2.15]
- Becky: J-bird, you're an experienced woman, right?
- Jackie: I'm not all that experienced.
- Becky: But, you have dated a lot of boys.
- Jackie: Yes, and a couple of men. At least one.
- Dan: I've never washed dishes with another woman before.
- Jackie: Ha-ha. How does it feel?
- Dan: Cheap.
Born to be Wild [2.16]
- [Dan sits on the rebuilt Harley]
- Ziggy: Yes! The shocks held!
- Jackie: (referring to her bartending talents) Some things you never lose. And some things you lose to the wrong person. (referring to Ziggy)
- Dan (to Ziggy): I thought I could do it, but I can't sell you my bike, it's just too many memories.
- Ziggy: That's great, fine, don't sell me the bike, I'm not saying sell me the bike. Don't sell me the bike, but don't do it because you're still hanging onto the past, do it because you're going to get back on it some day.
- Roseanne: I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.
- Jackie: Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.
- Crystal: You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.
- Roseanne: Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.
- Customer: Now, Iris, I love what you did last week, but can you make me look like that? [hands Iris a photo]
- Roseanne: Oh, I'm sure you can, Iris. I'll go get the wand.
- Becky: Susan Noonan said that her mother saw you sweeping up people's hair in the beauty parlor.
- Roseanne: Well, you tell Susan Noonan that I saw her mom getting her roots bleached and her mustache waxed.
- Marcia: How do you like the job so far?
- Roseanne: Well, it's just like being home, I make coffee, I answer the phone, and I do laundry.
- Debbie: Roseanne, where are the clean towels?
- Roseanne: And I listen to children whine.
I'm Hungry [2.18]
- Roseanne: [on her pants] I guess they didn't shrink, I just grew!
- Dan: [putting an arm around Roseanne] I think we've grown together.
- Roseanne: We've gotta go on a diet.
- Dan: What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.
- Roseanne: Well, my pants don't fit me!
- Dan: Well, your pants don't fit me either.
- Darlene: Aw, face it. You're both tanks.
- Roseanne: Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
- Darlene: Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.
- Roseanne: No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
- Dan: Me too!
- Darlene: Twenty pounds?
- Roseanne: Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.
- Dan: Me too!
- Becky: [setting the table] You gotta move, Deej.
- D.J.: Make me!
- Darlene: [leaning in toward D.J.] How about a kiss, hot stuff?
- D.J.: [grabbing his notebook and running off] I'm outta here!
- Dan: What do you guys think? You think your mom needs to lose weight?
- D.J.: No, I like you mushy.
- Becky: Aunt Jackie, how come Mom is so heavy and you're so thin?
- Jackie: It'sssss... genetics.
- Becky and Darlene: [looking at each other in horror] OH MY GOD!
- Commercial Announcer: Say, when was the last time you tasted real butterscotch? Creamy, smooth butterscotch with walnuts, surrounded by delicious milk chocolate. Have a Yummy Bar - you deserve it.
- [D.J., who is eating a bowl of ice cream, notices Roseanne inching closer and closer toward him with her eyes on his ice cream, and quickly runs to another chair]
- Dan: You okay?
- Roseanne: [feebly] Yeah... yeah, I'm just... yeah, I'm gonna get a diet soda.
- [As Roseanne goes to the refrigerator to get her soda and then returns to the family room, the following commercial plays:]
- Commercial Announcer: This week only at the King's Table, our famous Surf 'N Turf Platter - a juicy 10-oz. char-broiled filet mignon, a 10-oz. Maine lobster tail with drawn butter, and steak fries or creamed spinach, all for only $8.99!
- [Watching the commercial, Roseanne becomes more and more agitated, panting hungrily and taking long swigs of her diet soda. Dan watches her, worried]
- Commercial Announcer: At Bucky Burgers, our burgers are flame-broiled! Even the bacon we put on our cheeseburgers is flame-broiled, and we use real cheese, and all our buns are toasted! So bring the whole family to Bucky Burgers!
- Commercial Announcer: Come on, kids...
- Roseanne: I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!! [flees into the kitchen]
All of Me [2.19]
- Gary (to Dan): Jackie tells me you and Roseanne have been together since right out of high school.
- Dan: Yeah, hard to believe. Twelve years of high school and you go out and do something completely stupid.
- Roseanne: (to Jackie who's complaining that her new boyfriend doesn't know the "real" her) Maybe it's because you're acting like Gidget on an aphrodisiac for the past three weeks.
- Gary: (talking about Jackie) She-she's fun. She's sexy and she's bright. She's a little crazy, too, but, ya know, that's okay with me 'cuz I could use a little crazy in my life.
- Dan: She can provide that.
To Tell the Truth [2.20]
- [Becky, Darlene and Roseanne are going through bridal magazines]
- Becky: Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?
- Dan: I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.
Fender Bender [2.21]
- Roseanne: [to Meg's dog, Jacques] C'mere, you little squirrel on a rope.
- Jackie: You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.
- Darlene: What, you just leave them there?
- Jackie: Some cops do, I don't.
- Roseanne: I finally get some time off and I can't do a damned thing. The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.
- Dan: Hey, they like canned spaghetti.
- Roseanne: Well, not for breakfast.
- (Roseanne is acting goofy after being put on muscle relaxers}
- Darlene: Mom, did you fly through the windshield or something?
- Roseanne: No, but I'd like to try that someday.
April Fools' Day [2.22]
- Roseanne: People like us, the poor people, and the people like us regular people are paying more taxes than the rich people because they got all these lawyers who find loopholes, I want loopholes. I mean, we're paying you guys our money anyway, and then you mishandle it worse than any of us ever could. And the government is like 3 trillion dollars in debt, I think I heard that on "Donahue." Can you imagine 3 trillion dollars in debt? That's like you make what $15,000 a year and then charge up your Master cards $50,000, and then you pay $5,000 monthly income. You know, people like us, we should get smart and audit them.
- Dan: (to Jackie) You're really gettin' on my nerves today, I mean more than usual.
- Roseanne: Next year, we're starting in June.
- Dan: Next year we ain't filing.
- Roseanne: We'll go to prison, of course I bet you don't have to file for prison.
- Roseanne (to the IRS supervisor): People cannot figure out your forms, that's why they gotta pay $200 an hour lawyers to figure them out for them. I can't afford $200 an hour.
Fathers and Daughters [2.23]
- [Dan and Becky are at the mall]
- Becky: Thanks for, you know, coming.
- [they hug]
- Becky: I love you.
- Dan: Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.
Happy Birthday [2.24]
- Dan: So, who are these guys?
- Becky: The Splitting Headaches!
- Dan: And what's the name of this song?
- Darlene: Pounding!
- Dan: So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?
- Roseanne: Gone with the Wind was a book?
The Test [3.1]
- Roseanne: [entering the kitchen] Boy, it's just a beautiful morning today, it just makes me wanna SING!!!
- [note: this was a reference to Roseanne Barr's controversial performance of the U.S. national anthem at a baseball game in July 1990]
- Becky: You did forget, I can't believe it!
- Dan: [to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.
- Jackie: Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
- Roseanne: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
- Jackie: How did you manage that?
- Roseanne: I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.
- Dan: [knocking on door of bathroom, where Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are about to start Roseanne's pregnancy test] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?
- Roseanne: We're worshiping Satan, honey. We'll be right out.
- Darlene: [on the new baby] I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers---
- Roseanne: [putting her arm around Darlene] I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that three children are enough for this house.
- Darlene: Well, yeah.
- Roseanne: [takes her arm from around Darlene] We're gonna miss you, Darlene.
- D.J.: Was I an accident?
- Roseanne: ... No, D.J., you were... a surprise.
- D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
- Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that, if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't, but a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted till you got it.
- D.J.: Was Darlene an accident?
- Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.
Friends and Relatives [3.2]
- D.J.: Darlene says I'm a prevert.
- Roseanne: No, you're not a pre-vert, DJ, you're a pervert.
- Arnie: Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back...
- Roseanne: What, you got sisters too?
- Arnie: I wish!
Like a Virgin [3.3]
(Darlene is teasing Becky about her new boyfriend Robert)
- Darlene: I hear he does the nasty with college girls
- Roseanne: ...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.
- Becky: He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!
- Roseanne: No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?
- Dan: (watching TV) Works for me.
- Darlene: Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.
- Becky: You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.
- Darlene: Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.
- Becky: You mean I actually have to go into the store and, like, buy condoms myself? God, how embarrassing.
- Roseanne: Well, you don't have to go in there and buy them. I mean, you could use the rhythm method.
- Becky: Oh, does it work?
- Roseanne: Ask your brother.
- [Roseanne is having a talk with Becky about birth control]
- Becky: But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?
- Roseanne: Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.
- [Darlene kisses Brian]
- Brian: What was that for?
- Darlene: For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.
- Brian: Well, I don't think they're stupid. I think they're complete idiots. [he and Darlene embrace and begin to make out]
- Darlene: Did you get felt up?
- Becky: No.
- Darlene: Huh! I did.
Like, a New Job [3.4]
- Darlene: (on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love to. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.
- Roseanne: Darlene, what are you doing?
- Darlene: Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.
- Roseanne: Oh, OK.
- Becky: Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
- Darlene: [as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.
- Becky: You're dead!
- Roseanne: (sarcastically, after the above incident) Well, thanks for your help.
- Dan: What?
- Roseanne: Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?
- Dan: Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.
- Roseanne: [on her new waitress job versus her old beauty parlor job] Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair; only now, it's in the food.
- Waitress: (to Roseanne, pointing to table with two boys who are throwing spoons and spitballs) That's your table, sis.
- Roseanne: Geez, they're kinda cute aren't they? You know, I have a couple kids at home just their age. I think I can relate to them. (walks up to table) GET OUT!!
- Darlene (as Becky stands in front of the television after the girls fight about what to watch): Becky, I can't see.
- Becky: [mockingly] Sorry, Darlene, am I in your way?
- Darlene: Well, we got a 19 inch TV, and you got a 25 inch butt.
- Becky: Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom. She's doing her homework and she locked me out, and I really need to get in.
- Roseanne: Darlene's doing her homework! Oh, honey!
- Dan: Oh, it's a proud, proud day!
Good-bye, Mr Right [3.5]
- Darlene: Mom, I worked it out with Becky. She's gonna stay home and babysit D.J., and I'm gonna go out.
- Roseanne: Now, why would she make a deal like that?
- Darlene: Well, I had dirt on her.
- Roseanne:... What kinda dirt?
- Darlene: Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home. (leaves, Becky comes in)
- Roseanne: So, what do you think your punishment oughta be?
- Becky: What do you mean?
- Roseanne: Darlene told me everything.
- Becky: That little rat.
- Roseanne: I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it till I get your side of the story.
- Becky: Well, first we... wait a minute. (grins and shakes her head) Uh-uh.
- Roseanne: ...You're gettin' good.
- Darlene: If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?
- Roseanne: Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?
- Becky: He's doing something really weird.
- Roseanne: Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!
- Darlene: Real different.
- (Darlene shows the doll heads to Roseanne)
- Roseanne: Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.
- Becky: Mother! These are my old dolls!
- Dan: Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he?
- (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies)
- Dan: That's a relief.
- Jackie: He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
- Roseanne: Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
- Jackie: Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!
- Dan: Do you want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow, or do you want one that sounds like... [starts the bike] ...Steppenwolf?
Becky, Beds and Boys [3.6]
- Darlene: Mom!
- D.J.: Mom!
- Roseanne: What?
- Dan: Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.
- Roseanne: [to Darlene] God, that's so immature!
- Roseanne: Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.
- Darlene: [sarcastically] Thank you very much.
- D.J.: Thank you very much.
- Darlene: [chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!
- D.J.: You're dead!
- Roseanne: [to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?
- Dan: Whew! How's it goin'?
- Darlene: If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.
- Roseanne: See, Dan, I told you, D.J. is small for his age.
- Darlene: [Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!
- Roseanne: No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.
- [Roseanne, Dan and Darlene stand together, grinning at Becky.]
- Becky: God, I hate this family.
- Darlene: Hey Mark, two plus two?
- Mark: What?
- Darlene: Yeah, I thought so.
- Mark: Oh, ya think ya can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?
- Dan: I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.
- Roseanne: Me too!
- Roseanne: [on Mark] I wanna go over to his house and beat the hell out of his mother.
- [Becky has just lied to Roseanne, saying she is going to visit her friend Judy when she is really going to see Mark, and Roseanne has called her bluff.]
- Roseanne: She's probably up there right now working on Plan B.
- Jackie: Maybe it's a really dumb story, like, "Judy's parents are Amish and don't have a phone."
- Roseanne: I was only eleven!
- Dan: [seductively] Roseanne, I've been thinkin'... what if my manly abilities aren't really mine, what if it's the mattress?
- Roseanne: I thought it was the mattress.
- Dan: No, I mean, what if I can't wow you in the new bed?
- Roseanne: Well, you didn't have no trouble when we brought home that new kitchen table.
Trick or Treat [3.7]
- (Roseanne is dressed up as a man for Halloween goes into the Lobo mens' bathroom to check it out. As she is looking at the urinal, a man walks in to use the bathroom. She pretends as if she is using the urinal, and starts trying to make conversation with the man who is now using the urinal next to her.)
- Roseanne: (after the man ceases responding to her) Oh I get it. It's like being in an elevator.
- Jackie: (not wanting to go to Dan's Lodge haunted house, upset after breaking up with Gary) It's no fun have some 60-year-old guy with a pot belly jump out and say "ooga booga." It was scary when I was 8, even scarier now.
- Jackie: (talking about men) Why do they do that?
- Roseanne: I don't know. We're talking about the only animal on Earth that would wear black socks with bermuda shorts.
PMS, I Love You [3.8]
- Dan: Do I have to spell it out for ya? [making movements to illustrate each letter as he speaks] P-M-S!
- D.J.: OH MY GOD! [dives under the kitchen table to hide]
- Jackie: Are you sure?
- Dan: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
- Crystal: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.
- Dan: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?
- Becky: I'm gonna be at the mall.
- Darlene: I've got basketball practice.
- Crystal: Me too.
- Dan: There's gonna be a 24-hour roller-coaster ride with Sybil at the switch.
- Jackie: Wait! No, you can't leave!
- Dan: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.
- Jackie: Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.
- Dan: And it's rough on your mother, too.
- Roseanne: [toasting Dan at his party] So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soulmate, my friend, my rock...
- Dan: [to himself] God, please, let this be over...
- Roseanne: ...a great big rock that just sits on my couch and does nothing but watch TV!
- Dan: [to himself] That's it - God's a woman.
- Roseanne: Oh, occasionally, y'know, it'll ask for a beer and then I have to go in there and get it because after all, it is just a ROCK, and a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator, can it? So I have to get the beer for it... yep! A big, TV-watching, beer-drinking rock. But he's MY rock, and I must live with it. [downs her champagne in one gulp]
- Jackie: So Happy Birthday, Dan!
- [Jackie leads everyone in singing "Happy Birthday" as she brings out the birthday cake]
- Jackie: Make a wish, Dan!
- [Dan blows out the candles in one breath and everyone cheers. Dan looks over at Roseanne to see her passed out at another table, her empty champagne glass in front of her]
- Dan: [to himself] YES! I got my wish!
Bird is the Word [3.9]
- Darlene: I can't believe it! The nerd flips the bird!
- D.J.: Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?
- Roseanne: Three hands...?
- D.J.: Yeah, look.
- Roseanne: Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!
- Becky: I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you’re mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to moon the class photo so you guys are proud of me.
- Roseanne: Make sure it's your own butt!
- Jackie: Say, guys, um... your son just gave Gilligan the finger.
- Roseanne: Dan...
- Dan: Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island!
- Roseanne: (sternly) Dan!
- Dan: Alright, Alright. DJ! Get in here, little buddy!
- Roseanne: BECKY!!!
- DJ: Yeah?
- Dan: Have a seat, okay? Let's see, uh, how can I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, and see the big guy in the third row? Just don't ever stick him up in the air at anybody.
- D.J.: But Mom did it when she was driving!
- Roseanne: Well, the idiot cuts me off!
- (Roseanne is speaking to other mothers at the principal's about the picture)
- Roseanne: Ah, do your kids do this in the family pictures?
- Mother: No way.
- Roseanne: (to Principal Hiller) No, they do it here.
- Annemarie: That's right.
- Principal Hiller: Oh I see, following that logic, Mrs. Conner, as long as they're not stealing anything out of your living room, it's not your fault if they hold up a convenience store.
- Roseanne: Hey, we're not talking about armed robbery here, OK? We're talking about some teenagers flipping the bird. I think we should get over it.
- Principal Hiller: Maybe you're right, but I don't think so. And neither do all these parents who have called in to complain about the photo. They want us to reshoot it at our cost and quite frankly, Mrs. Conner, this is not within our budget. So, what would your have me tell them about what your daughter did?
- Roseanne: (remembering her own teenage years with Annemarie) Ahh, that it's a political statement?
- Roseanne: We can't control everything thing our kids do. Sooner or later they're just gonna do what they're gonna do. They're like people that way.
- Becky (in a sugar-coated voice) Look, everybody: Daddy's home! Oh, hi, Daddy!
- Dan: (to Becky, DJ, Darlene, and Roseanne) Hi, Princess, Bud, Kitten, Margaret.
Dream Lover [3.10]
- Roseanne: You know, of all of the people in the world to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.
- Dan: You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.
- Roseanne: Well, it would have.
- Jackie: You're kidding? You guys have a night?
- Roseanne: Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.
- Jackie: You have a time too?
- Roseanne: Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.
- Jackie: Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.
Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? [3.11]
- Dan: Whatcha doin'?
- Roseanne: Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.
- Dan: You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?
- Roseanne: No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.
- Becky: Well, if they're not missing, then what are they? I mean, hey, let’s face it, even Mom and Dad can't eat dinner for four hours.
- Jackie: Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.
- Roseanne: How ya doin' sis?
- Bev: [yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?
- Jackie: [realizing Roseanne tricked her] You are just EVIL!
- Bev: You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)
- Darlene: Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)
- Roseanne: Darlene, leave the table.
- Darlene: Yeah, I knew that'd do it.
The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father [3.13]
- Jackie: (Talking to Roseanne) What if he hits on me?
- Roseanne: Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!
- Dan: What's wrong with DJ?
- Darlene: Oh, his death ray broke.
- Dan: How did that happen?
- Darlene: Oh that's not important.
The Wedding [3.14]
- Crystal: I'm pregnant.
- Roseanne: Are you sure you're not just late?
- Crystal: Yeah ,I'm sure, I've got all the signs. I'm nauseous, I'm eating all the time, and oh yeah, my doctor told me I'm pregnant.
- Dan (to Ed): What're you doing?
- Ed: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm nursing a beer and watching a dirty movie through all these lines.
- Dan: Why don't you just pay them the extra four bucks and they'll unscramble it?
- Ed: Then they'd know I'm in here watching a dirty movie.
Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore [3.15]
- Becky: No one could eat this crud.
- Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.
- Darlene: Mom and Dad are impossible, Mom's fighting with Aunt Jackie, everybody's yelling at everybody else but nobody's saying what they should. Becky, you're a selfish, stupid, heartless spoiled brat!
- Roseanne (to Jackie about her date): Make sure you order dessert because I was reading in Cosmo where it says that um, you know, a healthy appetite is considered sexy nowadays...I was so far ahead of my time.
- Becky (to Darlene): Why don't you just kiss my butt?!
- Darlene: Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo.
- Dan: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No butt-kissing at the dinner table.
- Becky (to Darlene): Do you remember Mark?
- Darlene: From down the street?
- Becky: No, the guy I went out with.
- Darlene: Oh, yeah! The stupid one.
- Becky: He's not stupid, he's gorgeous. I mean, you just wish you could meet a guy like that.
- Darlene: Yeah well, if I wait a couple years, he'll be in my grade.
- Becky: (to Dan) God! You're beginning to sound like Mom!
- Dan: Hold it! (to Roseanne) If I find that really insulting, will it bother you?
- Dan: (to Roseanne after arguing with Becky) This whole marriage-family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.
- Roseanne: Damn, I lose more husbands that way.
Roseanne: How was the game, Becky? Becky: It was OK Roseanne: Come On Becky We asked you a question. Where were you? Becky: I was with Mark Roseanne: Becky you lied to me Becky: That's lame What will you do tie me up? Roseanne: I've had enough of this Get upstairs Becky: No! Becky: I mean goodbye. (As Becky storms off)
- Dan: Deej, what's goin' on?
- D.J.: It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.
- Dan: No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.
- DJ: But I wanna live!
- [Darlene's Home Ec class is cooking dinner for the Conners]
- Tanya: How long do we cook it?
- Roseanne: 'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're ready.
- Meryl: Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!
- Girls: Yeah!
- Roseanne: This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real housewives.
- Dan: [to Kevin Morgan's father] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a doughnut to kick YOUR butt.
- Roseanne: Don't encourage him!
- Dan: Kid's a genius!
- Roseanne: He's an extortionist! So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?
- D.J.: No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
- Roseanne: He IS a genius.
Valentine's Day [3.17]
- Roseanne: (reading a Valentine's Day card from Dan) Though this gift is not what you desired, the message is quite clear. If you need proof of how much I love you, Well, heck Rosey, I'm still here!
- Barry: Hello. This is Barry Parker. Is this Darlene?
- Becky: Just a second, Barry. I'll get her. (screams) DARLENE! HURRY! IT'S HIM!
- (Becky and Darlene begin to celebrate by screaming and jumping up and down)
- Darlene: OK, I just became the kind of girl I hate. Now gimme the phone.
Communicable Theater [3.18]
- Roseanne: Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.
- Dan: [yells] What's that honey?
- Roseanne: [yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!
- Dan: Oh, ok.
- Roseanne: Stay sick Dan. When you get well, I am going to kill you.
Vegas Interuptus [3.19]
- Becky: Darlene's just sort of discovering boys, Brian. In fact, before she met you she thought she was one.
- Leon (to Roseanne): I know it's slow, but isn't there something menial you could be doing?
- Roseanne: Well, we're talking to you.
- Roseanne: Look at these really cool sunglasses.
- Dan: What do you need those for? You never leave the casino.
- Roseanne: That's so nobody can see my eyes when I'm bluffing.
- Dan: You can't bluff a slot machine.
- Roseanne: I don't see why not, you talk to the dice.
- Dan: If we leave right now and drive at the speed limit, we'll just miss the plane.
Her Boyfriend's Back [3.20]
- Dan: Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.
- Roseanne: Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...
- Dan: Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.
- Dan: [Sitting behind Roseanne on the motorcycle] Wow...suddenly I feel like Ann Margaret in "Kitten with a Whip".
- Darlene: I got fifty bucks you can borrow, Beck. That'll leave you with only twelve fifty.
- Becky: What's in it for you?
- Darlene: Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.
- Becky: You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.
- Darlene: Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.
- Becky: I just don't want you to hate Mark.
- Dan: I don't hate Mark.
- Becky: Mom does.
- Dan: Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.
Trouble With Rubbles [3.21]
- Jackie: Maybe she was a little uptight.
- Roseanne: A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.
- Kathy: So now you're a better mother because you have more children?
- Roseanne: Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!
- Roseanne: I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.
- Roseanne: Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night, and check if he's breathing.
- Kathy: Yes!
- Roseanne: Amateur!
Second Time Around [3.22]
- Jackie: We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
- Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
- Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?
- Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
- Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.
- Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.
- Dan: [patting Darlene on the head] Thank you, dear.
- Becky: [to Darlene] Oh right, suck up for the inheritance!
- [Roseanne is in labor]
- Roseanne: I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.
- Dan: No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.
- Roseanne: [after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.
- Dan: You're pushing.
- Roseanne: No I'm not!
- Dan: Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.
- Roseanne: Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!
- Dan: Five, five, five, five, one--yes, it's a boy!
Dances With Darlene [3.23]
- (Darlene has just tried on a ridiculously spacey dress and is storming back into her room after showing it to Roseanne)
- Becky: [following Darlene] Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.
- Dan: Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.
- Darlene: Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.
- Roseanne: C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!
Scenes from a Barbecue [3.24]
- Becky: What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.
- Dan: Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.
- Darlene: God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?
The Pied Piper of Lanford [3.25]
- Roseanne: You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
- Ziggy: And I've never been proven wrong.
A Bitter Pill to Swallow [4.1]
- Roseanne: Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?
- Dan: Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.
- Crystal: [sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!
- Darlene: You put him in the washing machine??
- Crystal: No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.
- Roseanne: [to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.
- Roseanne: What are people gonna say, Jackie? [about Becky using birth control]
- Jackie: Who's gonna know?
- Roseanne: She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"
- Darlene: [on the phone] Hello? ... Oh, yeah, hold on, Mark. BECKY, ZIPPY'S ON THE PHONE! ... So Mark, did you dial the phone yourself or did Daddy help you? ... Oh now, that's not very nice. Do you use that filthy mouth to kiss my sister?
- Becky: Give me the phone, Darlene.
- Darlene: Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]
Take My Bike, Please! [4.2]
- Roseanne: I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone family.
- D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.
- Roseanne: That's impossible.
- D.J.: Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!
- [Roseanne and Dan realize that they forgot about DJ again]
- Dan: Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.
- Roseanne: Boy, he better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.
Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker [4.3]
- Roseanne: (to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.
- Dan: (with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.
- Roseanne: Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?
- Roseanne: [on Lorraine, after Lorraine again makes an excuse to stall at picking up the dog] You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.
- Roseanne: [after Jackie confesses to sleeping with Arnie] What the hell were you thinking?!
- Jackie: I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!
- Roseanne: Well, that's still no excuse.
- Leon: (looking in Roseanne's fridge) Well, well, well, a gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous coleslaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home.
- Dan: Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?
- Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!
Darlene Fades to Black [4.4]
- Becky: Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.
- Bonnie: What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?
- Roseanne: [Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.
- [Darlene has started dressing in all black. Dan holds a mirror up to her face.]
- Dan: Just checking.
Tolerate Thy Neighbor [4.5]
- Roseanne: God, I hate Kathy Bowman!
- Becky: And today's reason is…
- Leon: Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for just even one moment to stay out of this?!
- Roseanne: Yeah, but by then it was way too late.
- Kathy: I'm in hell.
- Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code, though.
- Roseanne: Y'know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more..fit in.
- Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
- Roseanne: Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.
- Kathy: What are you talking about?
- Roseanne: Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.
- Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
- Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.
- Kathy: You're a sick woman, Roseanne.
- Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets...bowling leagues...bingo...double coupon days... Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.
- Kathy: [after learning that Roseanne bought some of Kathy's stolen property from the robbers under the impression that she was donating to charity] It was a stupid thing, Roseanne. It was the stupidest thing anyone has ever done, and you are the stupidest woman on the face of the earth! [storms away]
- Roseanne: Oh yeah?! I paid twenty bucks for that piece of crap and you paid two hundred! THAT'S stupid!
- Roseanne: [on how she'd react if one of her kids were gay] The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy, and that they're out of the house. And I'll tell you what, happy ain't even that important.
Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down [4.6]
- Jackie: What are the odds we'd bot come as Morticia?
- Crystal: You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.
- Jackie: We still look like the Judds from Hell.
- Anne Marie: I can't believe you both came as Cher.
- Chuckie: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't be Halloween unless the Conners overdid it, so without further ado...
- Roseanne: [from behind the curtain] Hey, Chuckie, just do it like we told you.
- Chuckie: Oh, okay. [Takes card from under hat and reads] "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."
- Jerry: [talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.
- Dan: Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.
- Jerry: [chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.
- Nancy: It's official, I'm settling for Arnie.
- Dan: So you want to just take off and leave the kids?
- Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!
Vegas, Vegas [4.8]
- Roseanne: Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!
- Darlene: Ahh... Becky? D.J. made a sundial out of birth control pills!
- Becky: What?
- D.J.: It even tells the days of the week.
- Becky: Gotta go, Mom. Love you. [hangs up the phone]
- Darlene: Geez, Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler.
- D.J.: They're not Mom's.
- Becky: D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these! Listen, you are not to take these to school, understand? Now you go and find something else to make your sundial out of.
- D.J.: Okay, I'll go put these back in your drawer. [leaves]
Stressed to Kill [4.9]
- Roseanne: [at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
- Bonnie: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
- Roseanne: Eat it or wear it.
- [Roseanne, who is struggling to quit smoking, is serving a customer who is smoking a cigarette.]
- Roseanne: Can I help you?
- Customer: Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
- Roseanne: Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.
- Leon: [scolding Roseanne after her outburst above] This is a luncheonette, not the Betty Ford Clinic. Be psychotic on your own time.
- Dan: Mmmm, what smells good?
- Roseanne: Prime rib, baked potatoes and all the trimmings.
- Dan: Say, that does smell good. What are we having?
- Roseanne: Somethin' I need scissors for.
- Becky: You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.
- Darlene: Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.
- Becky: Are you kidding? You're begging for it. [mocking Darlene] "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then DO something about it, you little wimp!
- Darlene: Shut up, Becky! You don't know what you're talking about!
- Becky: Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basketcase who's milking this depression thing for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.
- Roseanne: We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV. TV's the whole way my whole generation learned to smoke anyhow.
- Jackie: Oh, come on.
- Roseanne: It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.
- Jackie: Cathy didn't.
- Roseanne: I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.
- Darlene: High school's just learning lies and telling lies.
- Roseanne: Really, then how come you ain't gettin' any A's?
Thanksgiving 1991 [4.10]
- Nana Mary: Hey, caveman, don't get fresh with me.
- Dan: Not gettin' fresh with ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!
Kansas City, Here We Come [4.11]
- (Becky walks into the living room where Dan is reading the paper)
- Becky: God, I hate my life!
- Dan: Tough day, honey?
- Becky: My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.
- Dan: (still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.
- Becky: And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.
- Dan: Sorry, sweetheart.
- Becky: And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.
- Dan: (continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.
Santa Claus [4.12]
- (Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying)
- Darlene: Maybe he needs to be changed.
- Becky: I changed him five times already.
- Darlene: Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.
- Dan: It was really weird. This commercial came on for cereal, talking about all the vitamins it has--B1, B6, B12. I turned around and she was gone.
The Bowling Show [4.14]
- Duke: Any of you ladies have a request?
- Bonnie: How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
- Duke: I don't know that one!
- Kevin Healy: (meeting Darlene for the first time) I like your hair; it's totally out of control.
- (This is the only time he's called Kevin. In his next appearance, it's changed to David.)
The Back Story [4.15]
- Jackie: Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
- Becky: Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.
- Darlene: Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.
- [Roseanne laughs from the other room]
- Becky: Mother!
- Roseanne: Well it was funny, Becky.
- Roseanne: [writhing in pain after throwing her back out] I can't get up and I don't have one of those things! I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on TV!
Less is More [4.16]
- [after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]
- Roseanne: What sick Nazi man came up with this idea?
- Roseanne: [describing her examination] Well, he said, "Put your clothes on, I'm done." Ya know, like any man.
- Roseanne: [in a dream sequence, she looks at herself in the mirror after her surgery, sees her breasts which have been grotesquely enlarged instead of reduced, and screams]
- Dan: Great, huh?
- Roseanne: They were supposed to make 'em SMALLER!
- Dan: This is better!
- Roseanne: Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD!!!
- Nurse: Calm down, Mrs. Conner, calm down. I've got your Jell-O right here.
- Roseanne: WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT HAPPENED?!
- Nurse: You had a breast enlargement.
- Dan: And a great one!
- Roseanne: I was supposed to have a REDUCTION! You made a mistake!
- Nurse: That's not true, Mrs. Conner. See, here's your release form, right there, there's your signature.
- Roseanne: But my doctor told me what he was gonna do! Where is he? I wanna see my doctor! I wanna see him NOW!!!
- Nurse: Right away. [opens the door, calling as she leaves] Doctor, we need you!
- Doogie Howser, M.D.: [enters room] Yes? What's wrong, not big enough?
- Roseanne: [still groggy after waking up from her dream] Oh, way ta go, Doogie!
Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do [4.17]
- DJ: I thought it was good to be a man.
- Dan: Oh, no. Not since the late 60's, son
- Dan: Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.
- Roseanne: No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?
This Old House [4.18]
- Roseanne: [Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!
- Darlene: What?
- Roseanne: What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
- Darlene: Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!
The Commercial Show [4.19]
- Roseanne: (screaming at D.J. and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you were doing when you were making that peg-leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!
- Bonnie: Who was that?
- Roseanne: That was my lovely neighbor.
- Bonnie: Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?
- Roseanne: Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.
- D.J.: What's a virgin?
- Darlene: You in forty years.
- D.J.: You're only moving to Chicago 'cause your mom needs an operation.
- Todd: She does not!
- D.J.: She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.
(Darlene, Dan and Jackie all stare at Roseanne, who hides behind her cup of coffee.)
- Jackie: Hey Beck, where's Darlene?
- Becky: Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
- Dan: She go home?
- Becky: Not yet!
- (Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided hair)
- Darlene: Shut up.
- Dan: Why, Darlene! You look--
- Darlene: Shut up.
- Jackie: Oh, come on! It's not so--
- Darlene: SHUT UP!!
- Darlene: I can handle this.
- Becky: You can't take her, Darlene.
- Darlene: I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.
- D.J.: Okay, just stay down.
- Darlene: You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?
- Dan: Coming.
- Darlene: Watch.
- Dan: Yeah, Darlene.
- Darlene: Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.
- Dan: Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.
- Becky: You're dead, Darlene.
- Darlene: Oh, man.
- Dan: Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.
- Arlene (Jackie's therapist): Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?
- Dan: I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?
- Roseanne: You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!
- Dan: It's your name!
- Roseanne: It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!
- Dan: I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.
- Roseanne: Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.
- Becky: Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?
- Jackie: Thank you, Becky.
- Becky: Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.
- Roseanne: When are you gonna get over him?
- Jackie: I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!
- Darlene: [weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.
- David: So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.
- Darlene: Well yeah, what was next?
- David: God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.
- (Jackie and Becky are sitting at the kitchen table commiserating with each other about being alone. Darlene and David come in from outside.)
- Darlene: (To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?
- David: I was just holding your hand.
- Darlene: Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!
- Becky: (To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.
- Darlene: We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.
- David: You're my girlfriend.
- Darlene: Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.
- Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
- Dan: Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
- Roseanne: Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
- Dan: You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
- Jackie: No!
- Dan: Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.
- Dan: Where's Darlene?
- Roseanne: Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.
- Dan: [referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?
- Roseanne: Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.
- [The phone rings]
- D.J.: I'm not getting it anymore.
- Roseanne: I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.
- Dan: I'm not home.
- Jackie: I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.
- Becky: If it's Dean...
- Jackie: If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.
- David: Tell her I'm in the shower.
- Crystal: [in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.
- Dan: Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
- Crystal: The hell I will!
- Dan: [after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me.
- Roseanne: [after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?
- Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!
- Roseanne: She called me an idiot?
- Arnie: C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!
- Dan: It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!
Don't Make Me Over [4.24]
- Jackie: [on the phone with Bev] Oh hi Mom, this is Jackie. Happy Mother's Day. ... Yeah, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me. ... Uh, so, did you get the slippers? ... Unique good or unique bad? ... ... Mom, don't you think that if I was dating somebody, I would tell you about it just to get you off my back? ... Oh, really. Well, go suck an egg. ... Huh? ... No! I did not! ... No, why would I say something like that? "Suck an egg" - I don't even know what that means! ... I'm telling you, I didn't say that. Must be a bad connection. So, listen Mom, Happy Mother's Day, and I'll tell Roseanne to give you a call when she gets up. ... Uh-huh, okay. [cheerfully] Bite me. [Hangs up]
- Dan: First of all, let's just say that...you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away...that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.
- Becky: Well, it's unanimous.
- Darlene: Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.
- Dan: I don't think so.
- Becky: OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]
- Dan: She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.
- Becky: Oh, so now we're also supposed to apologize to you---
- Dan: SHUT UP! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too. Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.
- Darlene: Well, what should we do?
- Dan: You're gonna make it up to her.
- Becky: Alright, we'll think of something---
- Dan: No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.
- Dan: [to Roseanne, who is setting the table] Stop. We're going out to dinner.
- Roseanne: No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.
- Dan: They're not coming. I'm punishing them.
- Roseanne: No!
- Dan: Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.
- Roseanne: But they hate ME, right?
- Dan: Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.
- Roseanne: Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]
- Dan: Happy Mother's Day.
- Roseanne: [smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!
- Lady at Beauty Salon: [showing Roseanne the results of her makeover] Well Mrs. Conner, what do you think?
- Roseanne: Oh, I'm beautiful! I no longer have to think.
- Roseanne: [discussing a meeting she had with D.J.'s teacher] Well, I had to go to school to see his teacher because it seems like he hasn't turned in any of his math homework for the past two weeks.
- Dan: I see, and how did he explain this?
- Roseanne: Well, he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.
- Dan: Did I suffer?
- Roseanne: No. Sniper. Clean shot.
- Dan: [reading Arnie's letter after he leaves Nancy] Who are the Allens, and why are they out of spice?
- Roseanne: Aliens, Dan, from outer space.
- Dan: Oh, that does make more sense.
Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 [5.1]
- Becky: You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.
- Dan: Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?
- Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through?! I mean, today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay!
- Roseanne: Whoa. What are you talking about?
- Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it. And it's all 'cause of you.
- Dan: Excuse me?
- Becky: If you knew how to run a business he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. [breaking down in tears] Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!!!
- Roseanne: Becky, you shut up!
- Becky: Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it! [storms out]
- Roseanne: That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.
- Roseanne: :[through pay phone that Becky left off the hook] Is this some kind of a joke? 'Cause if you're not really married, I'm going to kill you. If you are really married, I'm going to kill you.
- Jackie: [after Roseanne returns from her job interview] Hey Roseanne... tell me you're employed!
- Roseanne: Hey Jackie... tell me you're married!
Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 [5.2]
- (Darlene and David are watching TV when Becky and Mark come in)
- Becky: Hey, is anybody home?
- Darlene: Hey look, it's Joanie and Chachi.
- Mark: How ya doin', little brother?
- David: Fine, except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.
- Becky: So where's Mom?
- Darlene: She's in the kitchen...with the knives.
- Mark: Want me to go in there with you?
- Darlene: With... THE KNIVES.
- Roseanne: [over the phone, to Becky] Well, don't come walking in this house like you won some great big victory over me and your dad. Don't be expecting our blessing. Don't be expecting any money. And don't be expecting.
- (Becky's worried about facing Roseanne)
- Darlene: If you lie very still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.
- Becky: Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep together tonight.
- Roseanne: Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?
- Darlene: I am NOT moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed! I'm gonna go sit on my bed until morning.
- Becky: Mark is my husband, Mother. We're not going to stay in this house if we can't sleep together.
- Roseanne: Fine. [hands Becky the frozen chicken] Beat the hell out of this chicken, please.
- Mark: Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.
- Dan: You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?
- (Squeaking from above Roseanne and Dan's bedroom. They think Becky and Mark are having sex)
- Becky (from upstairs): Very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!
- [Roseanne and Mark are having a heart-to-heart before Becky and Mark leave for Minneapolis]
- Mark: All right, I knew this was comin', so... we're too young, I'm not good enough for her, and I got no future.
- Roseanne: Eyes on your own paper!
- Mark: Look, you're just ticked off at me 'cause you think I made Becky marry me. Well, let me tell you somethin'. Becky doesn't do a damn thing she doesn't want to.
- Roseanne: Okay, that's fair enough, she got married 'cause she wanted to. Well, she also wants to finish high school. And if she doesn't, I'm gonna know that that's because of you. And she also wants to go to college. And if she doesn't do that, then I'm gonna know that that's because of you.
- Mark: Hey, I'm gonna take care of her, okay? So just back off.
- Roseanne: Foolish boy. Oh-ho, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
- Roseanne: [to D.J.] Your sister's leavin'.
- D.J.: [cheerfully] See ya! (Runs off)
- Roseanne: I hope you know how hard that was for him.
- Darlene: Take it easy.
- Becky: You too.
- Darlene: I'll miss you.
- Becky: Will you call?
- Darlene: Promise. I love you, Becky.
- Becky: I love you, Darlene.
- Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
- Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.
- Roseanne: All right, knock it off.
- Darlene: See you, bubble butt.
- Becky: Later, Morticia.
The Dark Ages [5.3]
- Roseanne: Monday, we'll go to the gynecologist and get you some birth control.
- Darlene: [puzzled] Why?
- Roseanne: Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough to be a grandmother yet.
- Darlene: Nothing happened last night, I told you that.
- Roseanne: Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room. I'm not stupid!
- Darlene: Yeah well, neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?
- Roseanne: Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
- Darlene: Really? You can't!
- [long pause]
- Roseanne: You mean you can hear us?
- Darlene: Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.
- Roseanne: [after Jackie tries to use the blender, not noticing that the electricity is out] Well, we don't have any lights, but now we know the speed of Stupid.
- Jackie: [calling the electric company to try to get Roseanne's lights back on] Did you tell them you have children?
- Roseanne: Yeah. They don't want 'em.
- Darlene: Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.
- Dan: [pauses] ...I don't think that'll work.
- Darlene: I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky, and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!
- Roseanne: So what are you getting at, Becky?
- Darlene: What I'm getting at, Mother, is I'm stuck here, so I'm paying for how SHE screwed up! If you guys have a problem, you deal with Becky. Leave me out of it. [storms out, slamming the door]
- Roseanne: Remember how excited we were when she first learned to talk?
Mommy Nearest [5.4]
- Roseanne: Darlene, come on in here and meet your Aunt Jackie's new boyfriend. [taking Darlene aside] Now, she's really sensitive about the age thing, see, so we're all on our best behavior.
- Darlene: Yeah, okay.
- Roseanne: Fisher, this is our little Darlene.
- Darlene: [to Fisher] Aren't you in my science class?
- Roseanne: Well, she held out longer than I thought she would.
- Roseanne: I like the kids poor, that way they don't clash with the furniture.
Pretty in Black [5.5]
- Darlene: I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.
- Dan: Denny's.
- Roseanne: Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]
- Darlene: What are these for?
- Dan: Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.
- Roseanne: Surprise! We want you to leave!
- Darlene: Yes! That's just what I always wanted!
- Roseanne: Well, I know my kid.
- Darlene: So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.
- Roseanne: Well, that was kinda for us.
- Dan: "Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!
- Roseanne: What? You're not gone yet?
- Darlene: Leaving.
- Roseanne: Oh, Darlene?
- Darlene: Yes?
- Roseanne: [sighs] I hate your hair.
- Darlene: [smiles] Thanks, Mommy!
- Jackie: I'll take this one. Truth or dare?
- Roseanne: Truth.
- Jackie: Okay. Wouldn't you really like to be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant?
- Roseanne: You and Nancy?
- Nancy: Yeah, I'm going into the business too. Isn't that wild?
- Roseanne: You guys are gonna do it without me?
- Jackie: You said you didn't want to do it.
- Roseanne: No, I didn't! I said I couldn't do it!
- Jackie: What's the difference?
- Roseanne: There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!
Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places [5.6]
- Molly: [playing video games with D.J.] I love these games. We used to play them all the time back in Iowa.
- D.J.: Without electricity?
- Molly: [puzzled] What?
- D.J.: Darlene says there's no electricity or lights where you come from, but that's okay, 'cause you can't read anyway.
- Molly: [angry] Oh yeah? Well, what else did she say?
- D.J.: You guys keep live chickens in your kitchen and kill 'em with your bare hands.
- Molly: Oh, really?
- D.J.: Yeah. But there's one part I don't get. How can someone's sister be their mom?
- Darlene: [to D.J.] You're about to become a strange smell in the attic!
- Darlene: [angry at David for letting Molly flirt with him] Oh come on, you don't go for that flirty, cutesy Barbie-doll crap, do ya? I mean, she was so obvious.
- David: I dunno. I guess for some guys it would probably make them feel, y'know, like a man.
- Darlene: [struts up to David and touches him seductively] I can make you feel like a man, David... Take out the trash. [walks away]
Halloween IV [5.7]
- Young Roseanne: You shouldn't eat that, Jackie.
- Young Jackie: Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.
- Young Roseanne: [chuckles] Oh, right.
- Young Jackie: Why shouldn't I eat it?
- Young Roseanne: Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.
- Young Jackie: That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.
- Young Roseanne: Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]
- Adult Roseanne: [with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.
- Dan: [dressed as decapitated Marie Antoinette holding her own head (Jackie)] I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going in the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!
- Jackie: I've got to go sometime, Dan.
- Dan: Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!
- Jackie: Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.
- Dan: Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!
- Roseanne: [having seen her future self—a stereotypical housewife] Oh my God, I've become what I hate most.
- Ghost of Halloween Future: Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.
- Roseanne: I don't want to.
- Ghost of Halloween Future: You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.
- Roseanne: Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.
- Jackie: Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.
- Bev: All right, Jackie, I'm all set.
- Roseanne: Why is my mother here?
- Ghost of Halloween Future: That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.
Ladies' Choice [5.8]
Stand on Your Man [5.9]
- Nancy: Thank God we all brought our ovaries.
Good Girls, Bad Girls [5.10]
- Molly: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
- Darlene: The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
- Molly: C'mon, will you lighten up?!
- Darlene: Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks. Now can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.
- Molly: Well, it's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?
- Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
- Sean: [tries to put his arm around Darlene]
- Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
- Darlene: Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.
- Sean: Look, I apologize for my friend. I mean, he's a real jerk. I mean, it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van who you hardly even know. So it's lucky for you I happen to have a couple of joints right here.
- Darlene: Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad Afterschool Special.
- Dan: I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.
- Roseanne: Where in the hell have you been?
- Darlene: Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to wave down a cab.
- Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.
- Darlene: It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
- Roseanne: Cut the crap, OK? You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.
- Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.
- Molly: Well, why are you raggin' on me?
- Roseanne: 'Cause that's what I do. I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, but doin' it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car.
- Molly: I don't have to listen to this!
- Roseanne: Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.
Of Ice and Men [5.11]
- Darlene: Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?
- D.J.: Try to steal it from him.
- Darlene: No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?
- Dan: There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie is back from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!
- Roseanne, Dan, Darlene: (cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!
- (Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)
- Woman at Game: Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?
- (Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)
- Roseanne: Well Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud of your kid out there, ramming people and smashing into them that you just had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!
- Dan: I had to. The hooker made him nervous.
- Jackie: Come on, you gave me my first sip of beer.
- Roseanne: That was different. I was drunk.
It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays [5.12]
- Jackie: (after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.
- Roseanne: Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!
- Jackie: Oh it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.
- Roseanne: Why? You can't be cured.
- Jackie: Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.
- Roseanne: Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.
- Roseanne: You think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But you know, I still believe in God, you know, I mean, I'd like to believe that all of the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, could some point I would find out the meaning to, and the reason for, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean, there is a God..there is...I swear to God there is a God. And if there ain't, I've been screwed.
- Bev: [seeing Roseanne and Jackie decorating an asleep Nana Mary] Girls, stop that, you're being stupid and childish. Everyone knows you string lights from the top.
- (Roseanne on the phone with Darlene after Darlene tells her that she's stuck at David's house)
- Roseanne: I don't care Darlene, there's no adult there, I want you to go home right now.
- Darlene: Come on mom, you know I vowed to never use my teleportation powers for personal gain.
- Mrs. Healey: What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I will tell you.
- David: Shut up, mom!
- Mrs. Healey: Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!
- David: Why did you even come home?
- Mrs. Healey: You apologize! (slaps David) You apologize to me!
- David: I'm sorry.
- Mrs. Healey: Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! (storms upstairs. David and Darlene are both on the verge of tears)
- David: Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.
- Darlene: Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt. (she hugs him)
- Roseanne: So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?
- Dan: About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.
- Roseanne: Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.
- Roseanne: [after Darlene kisses her] See, Mom, I told you there's a God.
Crime and Punishment [5.13]
- Jackie: What kind of obscene material could D.J. have?
- Roseanne: Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.
- Principal Cecil Alexander: I want you to know we're usually very happy with D.J. He's a hard worker, listens well in class, although this new dressing-up phase does concern us a little.
- Dan: Kids.
- Cecil: Well, we don't discourage unorthodox dress here. We do discourage, however, students from bringing certain types of reading material to school.
- Dan: [thinking the principal is talking about one of his Playboys] I understand, Cecil. Something that might be perfectly normal and acceptable for adults wouldn't be okay for kids to bring to school.
- Cecil: I'm sorry, but the filth that D.J. was reading couldn't possibly be considered okay anywhere. It's the most offensively sick piece of garbage I've ever seen.
- Dan: [still thinking the principal is referring to a Playboy issue] Didn't you read the articles?
- Cecil: [hands the book to Dan] I didn't see any articles in this.
- Dan: It's a comic book. D.J., you brought a comic book to school. Good boy!
- Cecil: I can see I should've spoken to his mother.
- Dan: [leafing through the comic] Well, look, I...I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read 'em in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature...[turns a page] My God, what kind of diseased mind could create something like this?!
- Cecil: It's obviously some sort of cheap underground thing.
- Dan: Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?
- D.J.: Darlene made it.
- Roseanne: Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was an ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?
- Dan: Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.
- (Roseanne looks at the comic book and laughs, to which Dan is shocked)
- Roseanne: There was a funny part.
- Dan: I'm serious, Rosie. What if Darlene's disturbed, more than we thought?
- Roseanne: Oh, Dan, have you seen some of the comic books she buys lately? They're way more screwed up than that. Warped and depressing's what's cool now.
- Dan: Really?
- Roseanne: Yeah. Finally Darlene's personality pays off.
- Dan: Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.
- Roseanne: Well, who knows what they're about? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.
- Darlene: What happened to Aunt Jackie?
- Roseanne: Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.
- Darlene: No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?
- Roseanne: No, why?
- Darlene: Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
- Roseanne: She didn't tell me nothing about it.
- Roseanne: You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
- Jackie: W...why can't you just drop it?
- Roseanne: (realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!
- Roseanne: (seeing Dan wrapping an ice pack around his hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), and then go buy chicken, did you?
- Dan: No, I bought the chicken first.
- Roseanne: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
- Dan: Well, it started out that way.
- Roseanne: What'd he say?
- Dan: Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.
War and Peace [5.14]
- D.J.: Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.
- Roseanne: Oh...not now, D.J.
- D.J.: The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!
- Roseanne: God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?
- D.J.: I got a D.
- Roseanne: It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.
- D.J.: Geez, it was only one time, give a break!
- Roseanne: You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.
- D.J.: OK!
- Roseanne: Now I need you to do me a favor.
- Darlene: OK.
- Roseanne: OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
- Darlene: Well, well, well!
- Dan: [groaning] Aww, man!
- Darlene: (grinning) My, my, my, my, my!
- Dan: What are you doing here?
- Darlene: You know, I'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.
- Dan: Where's your mom?
- Darlene: Organizing the candlelight vigil.
- Dan: Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...
- Darlene: Oh, I think you do. She took Aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor, so that means I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.
- Dan: Gimme the money.
- Darlene: All right, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.
- Darlene: I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.
- Roseanne: Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash! [everyone dances and claps while Dan plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica]
- Roseanne: Now all we need is some little half-wit sittin' in the front yard eating dirt.
- D.J.: [coming in the front door] Hi!
- Roseanne: [to Darlene, who is opening her mouth to speak and pointing at D.J.] AShut up, Darlene.
- Jackie: It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.
- Dan: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.
- Roseanne: You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.
Lanford Daze [5.15]
- Darlene: I just couldn't go on being part of the Connor family money-making death machine.
- Roseanne: Oh, now you come up with a name for the restaurant!
- Darlene: Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?
- Roseanne: You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!
- Darlene: [to David, who is heating up a hamburger in the microwave oven] You're still eating meat?
- David: Oh, come on. I tried to stop, okay, but I realized, I'm a carnivore.
- Darlene: So are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.
Wait Till Your Father Comes Home [5.16]
- Roseanne: That's it, I'm not making any more calls. You do the rest of the family list.
- Jackie: [crying] I can't call people, Roseanne!
- Roseanne: Jackie, dial!
- Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
- Roseanne: Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!
- Jackie: [dials the phone] Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I have some bad news...Dad is not with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No, DEAD!...DEAD! ... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!
- Bev: [confronting her late husband's mistress, Joan, in the funeral home] I've waited a long time for this moment, and you will not rob me of it.
- Joan: All right, go ahead.
- Bev: I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!
First Cousin, Twice Removed [5.17]
- Ronnie: Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous 'cause I've made something of myself.
- Roseanne: Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? I mean, you're from Illinois! You've been talking that away ever since you did that stupid play in high school.
- Ronnie: Well, I'm sorry I don't have your dulcet tones.
- Roseanne: I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you: you're a bitch!
- Ronnie: I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
- Roseanne: Good one!
Lose a Job, Winnebago [5.18]
It's a Boy [5.19]
- [David tells Darlene that he's running away to New York and he is upset that she won't go with him]
- Darlene: What? So you're just leaving?
- David: What do you care?
- Darlene: Hey I care!
- David: No you don't!
- Darlene: Of course I do! I love you! :[Slight pause, David is shocked] Jerk.
- David: Really? Are you sure?
- Darlene: Yeah, I'm sure you're a jerk.
- David: No I mean not - wow! Why didn't you ever say it before?
- Darlene: Hoping it'd pass.
- Mrs. Healy: I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage I've raised!
- Roseanne: Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, y'know, the kids, they just took a shot at staying together. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.
- Mrs. Healy: Oh, you don't think so?
- Roseanne: No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!
- Mrs. Healy: Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Take a look at the two little whores you raised!
- Roseanne:...Oh... I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.
- David: Please just stop. It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
- Mrs. Healy: I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS LITTLE BASTARD!!!
- Roseanne: OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.
- Mrs. Healy: Are you trying to steal my kid?!
- Roseanne: It ain't got nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.
- Roseanne: Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, but... I went and had another kid.
- Dan: Is David out there?
- Roseanne: You mean Dan Jr.?
- [David just moved into the house and cast the tie-breaking vote for hamburger over pizza]
- Dan: I feel it, men! The hormonal blance in the house has shifted. And men are victorious! Come men, let us retire to the living room where we will watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.
- Roseanne and Darlene: [after Dan, D.J. and David leave] Pizza.
- Roseanne: And David, while you live here, you'll be home by curfew, you will keep your room clean. You will be the child we've never had.
- David: Okay, that's fair.
- Dan: These are just the rules today. We reserve the right to change the rules at any time, for your safety, for your education, or for our amusement. That is the price of living in our kingdom.
- Roseanne: Welcome to Roseannadu.
It Was Twenty Years Ago Today [5.20]
- Dan: I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.
- Roseanne: You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.
- Dan: My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!
Playing With Matches [5.21]
- Molly: I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.
- Roseanne: Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.
- David: Molly, what are you talking about? You know I'm going out with Darlene!
- Molly: David, you're cute, and you're smart... and you deserve someone who doesn't sleep hanging upside down!
- David: Hey, you don't know anything about me and Darlene!
- Molly: I know she treats you like crap!
- David: Come one, that's not fair; Darlene treats everyone like crap!
Promises, Promises [5.22]
- Roger: Everybody has that doubtful in their heads, but sometimes you've just gotta ignore it!
- Dan: Well, my little voice is extremely loud and can deny me sex.
Glengarry, Glen Rosey [5.23]
- Dan: Aw man, we're screwed.
- Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.
- Roseanne: No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.
- Dan: Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.
- Roseanne: You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.
- Dan: You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!
Tooth or Consequences [5.24]
Daughters and Other Strangers [5.25]
Two Down, One to Go [6.1]
- Darlene: Is it OK if David takes me to school?
- Dan: Did you ask your mother?
- Darlene: Yeah.
- Roseanne: I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?
- Dan: Sure, what the hell.
- Darlene: Thanks, Dad.
- Roseanne: Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.
- Dan: I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.
- Roseanne: God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]
- Dan:...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.
David: Well then I'm not taking you Darlene: Why not? David: Because I got a date Darlene: You got a date? A minute ago we were engage Darlene: You're breaking up with me? David: Wait a minute! You're the one who's leaving me so you're the one who's breaking us up. Darlene: Go to hell! David: No You go to hell! Darlene: I'm not waiting till Saturday I'm leaving tomorrow Roseanne: Yeah So Do I. Darlene: I Just wanna get away from David and Get away from you. I hate this whole damn house so leave me alone, Okay. Roseanne: I gotta get something out of the car.
- Roseanne: All human beings connect sex and love....except for men.
The Mommy's Curse [6.2]
Party Politics [6.3]
- [DJ is on the phone]
- DJ: uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh. (hangs up)
- Roseanne: Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.
- Darlene: :[on phone with DJ's teacher] yes, this is Mrs. Conner. Yeah, DJ is sick. Oh, its a stomach bug. We all have it. In fact, I feel like I have to throw up right now. Oh, don't worry, it's a cordless, you can come along.
- Roseanne: Y'know, you think Darlene's helping you out, but she really isn't; she's telling me everything. This whole thing is just a big plan that we worked out to set you up.
- D.J.: No it isn't!
- Roseanne: How can you be sure?
- D.J.: 'Cause Darlene told me you'd say that. [leaves]
- Roseanne: [under her breath] Daaaaamn.
- Darlene: Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.
- (switches to the other line, where Fred hands the phone to Roseanne)
- Roseanne: Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know that you and David made up, too.
- Darlene: How'd you find out?
- Roseanne: 'Cause you just told me.
- Roseanne: D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.
- D.J.: (sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?
- Roseanne: Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes) this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it; D.J. is completely horrified while Jackie is laughing) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I'm going to dance for them!
A Stash from the Past [6.4]
- Jackie [sitting in the bathtub]: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?
- Roseanne: (pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.
- Jackie: Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.
- DJ: (knocks on bathroom door) Mom?
- Jackie: The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)
- Dan: DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...
- Roseanne: Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?
- Darlene: You know I don't smoke pot, it dulls my hatred.
Be My Baby [6.5]
- Jackie: Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.
- Bev: And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?
Halloween V [6.6]
Homeward Bound [6.7]
- Darlene: D.J.'s finally got a friend that's not imaginary!
- Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!
- Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
- Darlene: Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?
- Roseanne: Let's talk about DJ's school.
- Darlene: Yeah, I heard he got caught playing with his instrument in band.
- DJ: I'm not in band, stupid!
- Roseanne: OK, next subject. Dan, how was work?
- Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!
- Darlene: Well, DJ over here is well on his way to shattering that record.
- Roseanne: Oh, he's using my Cosmo! That makes me, like, his dealer.
- Darlene: Trust me, this is not a time when a boy needs his mother.
Guilt by Imagination [6.8]
- Phyllis Zimmer: Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
- Dan: Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.
- Roseanne: I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.
- Jackie: It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.
- Becky: (Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.
Thanksgiving 1993 [6.10]
- Jackie: Glad you could make it, Fred.
- Fred: Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.
- Jackie: [to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.
- Fred: We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.
- Dan: You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.
- Jackie: [to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.
- Roseanne: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.
- Roseanne: You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!
- Nana Mary: Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.
- Bev: You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!
- Roseanne: I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!
- Fred: You okay, Jackie?
- Jackie: Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.
- Dan: Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]
- DJ: (on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.
The Driver's Seat [6.11]
White Trash Christmas [6.12]
- Bev: Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
- Roseanne: Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
- Bev: And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
- Dan: Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
- [Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
- Bev: What is Santa Claus doing?
- Roseanne: Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
- [Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]
Suck Up or Shut Up [6.13]
- Dan: Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!
- Roseanne: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.
- Dan: [starts kicking his legs and singing "New York, New York"] "Start spreadin' the news..."
- Roseanne: That's Elijah with a J!
- Roseanne: [to Becky] Men need to be molded. [watches Dan drink milk from the carton] Think of them not as lumps of clay, but... as lumps.
- Dan: [burps] Outta milk. [sets the empty milk carton down on the table and leaves]
- Becky: Shhh! Mark's reading.
- Roseanne: Oh well, I hate to ruin the ending of it for ya, Mark, but he eats the Green Eggs and Ham.
- Mark: I'm studying upstairs. [leaves in a huff]
- Becky: Don't pick on him, Mom. He's really doing it this time. We've spent all day working together. I can't believe how much he's learned.
- Roseanne: Well, does this mean that we'll have to stop spellin' stuff out that we don't want him to know about?
- Roy: So you want something to drink?
- Roseanne: Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.
- Dan: You wanna order a pizza?
- Roy: #3 on the speed-dial.
- Dan: Excellent!
- [Darlene and David walk into the apartment to find Roseanne and Mark waiting for them]
- Roseanne: Hi, David. I found this, uh, pen, is it yours?
- David: [scared] Um...no.
- Roseanne: Oh, OK. Well, I'll be going then. ... Oh wait a minute, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!
- Darlene: Mom...
- Roseanne: No, you're not talking. You're not talking for a very long time. And you better sit down, 'cause this is gonna take a while.
- Mark: Hey, Dave-o.
- David: Hey, Mark.
David vs. Goliath [6.15]
Everyone Comes to Jackie's [6.16]
- Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are?
- Roseanne: [entering room] We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!
- Roseanne: You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend!
- Darlene: Well obviously, you've never had sex with my boyfriend.
Don't Make Room for Daddy [6.17]
- Jackie: You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?
- Fred: When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.
- Jackie: Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!
- Roseanne: Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
- Jackie: Yes.
- Roseanne: Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell [6.18]
Labor Day [6.19]
- D.J.: Did your water break when you had me?
- Roseanne: By the time I had you, everything was broken.
- Bev: Have you thought about names?
- Jackie: No, I haven't decided yet. Here I am, about to give birth and I haven't even decided on a name for my baby.
- Bev: Oh, now don't get all worked up. Just name it the first thing that comes into your mind. You can always change it later.
- Jackie: You can't change it later.
- Bev: Well, of course you can. We don't call you Marjorie, do we?
- Jackie: Why would you call me Marjorie?
- Bev: Because that used to be your name, only Roseanne couldn't pronounce it. She kept calling you "My Jackie." We thought it was so cute. We all started calling you My Jackie, and after a while, you just became Jackie.
- Jackie: My name...used to be Marjorie.
- Bev: Yes. It probably still is; I think that's what's written on your birth certificate.
- Jackie: You don't even know my own name? You're supposed to be my mother!
- Bev: We told you all this years ago.
- Jackie: No, you never told! No, never, never, never, never, never told me that.
- Bev: Now, Jackie, don't upset yourself. It's not that big a deal.
- Jackie: "No big deal"?! It's my name! You go ask a thousand people if they think that's a big deal, they're gonna say yes, that is a very big deal!
- Bev: Or was it Mary Jane?
Past Imperfect [6.20]
- Fred: All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
- Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
- Fred: I mean seriously.
- Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
- Fred: Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
- Jackie: Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
- Fred: Well I guess not.
- Jackie: Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
- Fred: Since you were what? Eighteen?
- Jackie: [thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
- Fred: Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
- Jackie: Well... I didn't know all of them.
Lies My Father Told Me [6.21]
I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep [6.22]
- D.J.: I just had some questions about God and stuff.
- Roseanne: Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
- D.J.: OK...What religion are we?
- Roseanne: I have no idea...Dan?
- Dan: Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
- D.J.: So what do we believe?
- Roseanne: Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.
- Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.
- D.J.: It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much?
- Roseanne: Well, because... um... sometimes it's real hard not to, you know. But... if I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else... so... so, you see, I'm- I'm using restraint, and God loves that.
- Darlene: You wanna know why I swear, D.J.?
- D.J.: Yeah, why?
- Darlene: Shut the hell up!
- D.J.: Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one?
- Roseanne: Of course not!
- D.J.: But you said it was only okay with God to cheat a big company who cheated you. But you weren't giving Leon any of his money.
- Roseanne: Listen to me, D.J. In the Bible it states, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's," okay; it doesn't say no damn thing about rendering nothing unto Leon!
- D.J.: But Mom...
- Roseanne: No, D.J.! Would you get off my back?! Even God took a day off!!!
Body by Jake [6.23]
- Fred: Hey Bev, do yourself a big favor. Don't get into this.
- Bev: Fred, I have every right to be involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.
- Fred: Well, If I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house!!!
- Dan: [as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!
- Fred: Guess I wasn't supposed to say that...
- Dan: I uh... plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh. [he and Fred guffaw and slap each other five]
Bev: Don't Blame yourself, Roseanne
Isn't It Romantic? [6.24]
- Roseanne: Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.
Altar Egos [6.25]
Nine Is Enough [7.1]
- Mark: God, everyone's so afraid I'm gonna make 'em sick, no one'll come near me. I feel like a leopard.
- Roseanne: [when Jackie asks if she can sleep at Roseanne's after a fight with Fred] But I must warn you, Dan doesn't allow anyone to move in here unless they're sleeping with one of his daughters.
- Dan: [after Roseanne tells him she feels too sick to have sex] Great, I shaved my armpits for nothin'. Unless... [he makes an armpit noise, then grins] Cool.
DJ: (To Roseanne) Where's dinner and we're hungry? Roseanne: Ours is on our plates DJ: He Can't do that. His parents are out of town. David: Mrs. Conner I can move to the basement with Darlene.
Two For One [7.2]
- Darlene: David, you're so important to me, I mean, we were each other's first love. But people who don't explore other relationships end up becoming... my parents.
- David: He can't love you more than I do.
- Darlene: David, stop!
- David: Y'know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.
- Darlene: David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me! Y'know, this is hard for me, too.
- David: Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)
- Roseanne: You haven't been feedin' me a load of the truth, have ya?
- David: Yeah. I thought that's what you'd like.
- Roseanne: David, obviously you know very little about this family. We have raised three children without the truth, and we've managed to do very well, thank you, without your consarned newfangled ways.
- Dan: Hi, honey. David, what are you doing up?
- David: Well... I heard this noise, so I came downstairs to see what it was, and it was this huge bird... that was caught in the screen door there, I got it out, and then he left.
- Dan: [nonchalantly] Okay. [saunters back to bed]
- Roseanne: See?
Snoop Davey Dave [7.3]
- Roseanne: I hope you weren't doing it for some reason to rebel against me and your dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark.
- Darlene: Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.
- Roseanne: And I want you in this house for all the holidays, okay - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Black History Month.
- Darlene: Well, what am I supposed to tell my job when they say I have to work?
- Roseanne: Just say no.
Girl Talk [7.4]
- Leon: (reading from the suggestion box) Suggestion number one, the meat is a little dry. I would agree with that. Suggestion number two, make that uptight blond guy stop hovering over us while we're trying to... (realizing the customers are referring to him) eat.
- Roseanne: I would agree with that. Now let's see...(shuffling around the papers of suggestions and picks out one) Suggestion number three, lose the waiter guy, he reminds me of my mother.
- Leon: Well aren't we clever, Roseanne? Stuffing the suggestion box. This is your suggestion, isn't it.
- Customer: Guess again.
- Leon: Well... luckily I don't value the opinion of anyone who would choose to eat here. (walks off in a huff)
- Roseanne: (once Leon is out of earshot) Okay, a deal's a deal. (sets a plate down in front of the Customer) Free pie.
- Jackie: Fred is so nervous about waking the baby up that he is beginning to... gloss over some vital areas.
- Leon: Oh my God, are you talking about... ?
- Roseanne: You mean, he gets in the elevator, but... he won't go down?
- Leon: [disgusted] If I wasn't gay before, I would be now.
- Roseanne: Well, if you weren't gay before, then a whole bunch of guys owe you a big apology.
Skeleton in the Closet [7.6]
- Roseanne: Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs Florentine.
- Dan: I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.
- Jackie: [on what the hairstylist told them about hereditary baldness] If she's [meaning Bev] bald, that means that WE could go bald! This is her hair! Look at- look at- look at this!
- (Jackie puts on the wig and begins to imitate Bev)
- Jackie: (in Bev's voice) "Oh Roseanne! A woman your size shouldn't wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay home! And another thing, dear, I don't mean to alarm you but I think your little D.J. might be retarded!"
Follow the Son [7.7]
Punch and Jimmy [7.8]
- Fred: Boy, David's really upset. What are you gonna do, Dan?
- Dan: Why do you keep asking me what I'm gonna do? What is it with you and all the questions? Why can't a guy just do what he's gotta do without being asked?
- Fred: You don't know what to do, do you, Dan? Just been doing what Roseanne told you to do, haven't you? You're really a very bad father, aren't you, Dan?
- Dan: No I'm not. I just don't know what to do with David. He scares me, Fred. I mean, he's probably down there right now crying, or reading, or drawing a horse.
- Fred: Well, why don't you do what you were trying to do before? You know, raise his self-esteem.
- Dan: I don't know how to give a 17-year-old who's just been beaten up by a 12-year-old self-esteem. I don't even know how to give him hope.
White Men Can't Kiss [7.9]
- Roseanne: [to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!
- Roseanne: You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.
- D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.
- Roseanne: Are you new?
- Dan: You're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life, and they're all gonna be different.
- D.J.: Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?
- Dan: What's different about her?
- D.J.: Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.
- Dan: I'd go for it.
Thanksgiving 1994 [7.10]
Maybe Baby [7.11]
The Parenting Trap [7.12]
Rear Window [7.13]
- [Dan can't stop watching the elderly neighbors walking around their house naked]
- Dan: It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.
- [on their new neighbors]
- Jackie: My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.
- Roseanne: Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!
- Fred: That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.
- Jackie: [taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?
- Roseanne: [guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget where they were the day Lincoln was shot.
- Jackie: They're completely naked, all the time?
- Roseanne: Sometimes he wears a hat.
My Name is Bev [7.14]
Bed and Bored [7.15]
Lost Youth [7.17]
Single Married Female [7.18]
- Stacy: I used to think that people that insulted me were just mean, stupid or horrible. But now I think it's just because they've never had really good sex.
- Bev: What are you talking about?
- Stacy: Well, here's a really good test. Have you ever done it, and when you were through, your hands were just filled with his hair, but you don't remember pulling it out?
- Bev: Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of longshoremen.
- [She leaves in a huff]
- Jackie: Stacy!
- Stacy: I'm sorry! I was just trying to help. Are you mad at me?
- Jackie: [grabbing their jackets] No, no! Come on. The way you just treated my mom, I feel like dancing!
All About Rosey [7.19]
Husbands and Wives [7.20]
Happy Trailers [7.21]
- Trailer Park Resident: And don't you ever feed my dog!
- Roseanne: If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!
The Blaming of the Shrew [7.22]
- Jackie: [laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?
- Dan: I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
- Roseanne: I like her!
The Birds and the Frozen Bees [7.23]
- Roseanne: [To David after finding out he's going out with another girl] Well David an date is an easy thing to break. I could do it for ya. It'd be fun... what's the little bitch's name?
- Jackie: Wha- Did you hear that?! D.J.'s gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life- that's like playing God!
- Darlene: I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison. [She walks over to where D.J. is thawing the bee] Ooh, nice- we haven't cooked out in a long time!
- D.J.: It just takes a minute.
- Jackie: I feel like there oughta be spooky music playing! [she makes lame spooky sounds]
- Darlene: Please, please be a killer bee! Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?
- D.J.: Tried that. Blew up.
- David: [walks in] What are you doing?
- Darlene: Bringing a bee back to life.
- David: Okay [leaves]
- Jackie: Y'know, D.J., bees are very intelligent creatures, and their amazingly devoted. I read someplace that if you kill one, the whole hive comes and finds your scent and kills you.
- Darlene: Actually, it's his scent that tends to kill them.
- D.J.: D'you see?
- Jackie: Oh, my God Darlene look, it's a miracle, the bee's alive.
- Darlene: [very bored] Truly, He is the Son of God.
- D.J.: See, I told you I could do it! Look, he's getting ready to take off- there he goes!-
[Darlene smashes the bee with a newspaper against the window]
- Darlene: Now, if you bring that one back, I'll be really impressed!
- Roseanne: [to Dan on why she doesn't want David to go out on a date with someone other than Darlene] Because I love our daughter and I love David. No new people!
Couch Potatoes [7.24]
- Roseanne: We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.
Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute [7.25]
Shower the People You Love with Stuff [8.1]
- Roseanne: [to Becky who is now again played by Lecy Goranson] Where the hell have you been?
- Becky: Just getting this.
- Roseanne: Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.
- [Becky walks into the laundry room]
- Darlene: Where the hell have you been?
- Becky: (laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?
Let Them Eat Junk [8.2]
Roseanne in the Hood [8.3]
- David: (trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!
- Roseanne: You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!
- Dan: [Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.
- Roseanne: All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?
- Dan: [pause] B3.
- Roseanne: That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.
- Dan: G6.
- Roseanne: The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.
- [Roseanne and Jackie were infiltrating the diners competition at night planting dead fish. Attempted to put one in the air vent and got stuck in it.]
- Jackie: I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!
- Roseanne: I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.
The Last Date [8.4]
- Becky: Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."
- Darlene: Man, she is twisted.
- Darlene: So, what did you like better, Becky? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?
- Becky: (drunk and confused) Ok.
- Darlene: Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?
- Becky: Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!
- Darlene: God, it's mom. It's Mom Tartare.
- Becky: How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?
- Darlene: 2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.
- Roseanne: [on the guests at the bar mitzvah] Man, these people are completely rude for no reason. I love it here!
- Rabbi Farkas: [to Roseanne and Dan, who are crashing a bar mitzvah at their hotel and pretending to be Jewish] What temple do you belong to?
- Roseanne: Temple... Beth... Midler.
- Rabbi Farkas: Really, I've never heard of that. Are you reformed?
- Roseanne: No, but we're trying to cut down.
- Bandleader at Bar Mitzvah: Well, we're gonna take a little break now, ha ha. When we come back, the Meyer family has requested something from Fiddler on the Roof, so if you have any requests, please don't hesitate, ha ha.
- Roseanne: What about something from Jesus Christ Superstar?
- Bandleader: [laughing nervously] Well, there's one in every crowd!
Halloween - The Final Chapter [8.5]
- Kids: Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.
- Mom [played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]: Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!
- Mark: Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.
- Mom: Buh-bye!
- Kids: Bye! Happy Halloween!
- Roseanne: Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.
- Dan: Just wasn't in the cards, honey.
The Fifties Show [8.6]
The Getaway, Almost [8.7]
- [discussing bad songs from the 70's with Jackie]
- Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.
The Last Thursday in November [8.8]
- DJ: (as an Indian on the First Thanksgiving) Welcome brothers. Share in our bountiful feast.
- First Pilgrim Boy: Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.
- DJ: Then we shall make more benches.
- Second Pilgrim Boy: Nah, let's make some dead Indians!
- Irate Mother: People came here for the freedom. (Looks at Anne Marie, who is black)
- Anne Marie: Excuse me?
Of Mice and Dan [8.9]
Direct to Video [8.10]
December Bride [8.11]
- Scott: Mind if I have a look at that guy's check? [Takes check and starts dialing the phone] You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You know, when I was waiting tables in college, I could tell you stories that'd curl...[into phone] Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come N' Go Motel over in Elgin. When you and your husband were in here last time, unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind. You weren't? Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blond? Whoops, my mistake.
- Roseanne: Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.
- Scott: We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.
- Roseanne: What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?
- (enter Leon)
- Leon: Scott!
- Scott: Hi, Honey!
- Leon: Roseanne, what is all this?
- Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
- Leon: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!
- Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
- Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.
- Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.
- Leon: What if I'm not even gay?
- Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
- Leon: Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!
- Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
- Leon: Well...
- Roseanne: GAY!!!!!!!!!
- Leon: Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.
The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract [8.12]
- David: You know, Mrs. Conner is gonna love this new linoleum.
- Dan: No, no, no, no. Don't tell her it's new. See, every couple of years or so, she asks me to clean behind the stove, and I've always found that doing this is much easier.
White Sheep of the Family [8.13]
- Becky: Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.
- Roseanne: Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.
Becky Howser, M.D. [8.14]
- Becky: Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..
- Roseanne: But..
- Becky: What's the but?
- Roseanne: Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.
Out of the Past [8.15]
Construction Junction [8.16]
- Computer: Welcome. You've got mail.
- Jackie: Hello?
We're Going to Disney World [8.17]
- Becky: Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?
- Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.
- Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
- Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?
Disney World War II [8.18]
Springtime for David [8.19]
- David: (being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!
- Roseanne: (a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
- David: I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
- Roseanne: Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.
- David: Oh no, no, no, no!
- Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.
- (David pants with anger)
- Roseanne: That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
- David: No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
- Roseanne: (slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!
- David: (broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
- Roseanne: There...There.... Welcome home, son.
Another Mouth to Shut Up [8.20]
- David: (on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?
- Darlene: You know, erm... or we could just get married.
- David: Yeah right! To who?
- Darlene: No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?
- David: Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.
- Darlene: Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...
- David: You're serious about this aren't you?
- Darlene: Yeah, I am.
- David: Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
- Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
- [about Darlene's pregnancy]
- David: How? When?
- Darlene: When? Disney World!
- David: You mean... that night after the fireworks?
- Darlene: Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.
- Roseanne: Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!
- (everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)
- Roseanne: (yelling) That was my joke guess!
- (There is a small pause, as Roseanne stares at them)
- David: We're also getting married.
- (A silence as they all took it in)
- Roseanne: (Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.
- Roseanne: Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!
- Dan: Yee-haw!
Morning Becomes Obnoxious [8.21]
Ballroom Blitz [8.22]
- Roseanne: Hey! I am not divorced, single, desperate or lonely. What the hell do I need to exercise for?
- Bev: There she is! You shameless hussy, you stole my man!
- Leon: Stole you're mother's boyfriend, huh? Been there.
- Dan: Oh, did I say best man? I meant main man.
The Wedding [8.23]
- Bev: Come out, Darlene, I can't wait to see you in my dress!
- Nana Mary: Whattaya mean, your dress? It's my dress! The first time I wore that dress... Roosevelt closed the banks.
- Bev: That's right! (smugly) And when I wore that dress, I had to take it in ten inches!
- Nana Mary: Yeah, around the boobs!
- Becky: So, how many times have you been married, Nana Mary?
- Nana Mary: I'm not sure. Uh...counting the cruises I've been on.
(Darlene comes out in her wedding dress)
- Darlene: I got six sticks of dynamite strapped under here; the first chuckle takes us all out.
- Nana Mary: Darlene, ya look lovely- and don't worry, that little baby in there doesn't show at all. Ya know, all us dames, we all got knocked up before we got married- it's like tradition!
- Nancy: That is so weird that he said that, because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time. For a month afterward, I could play World Champion Caliber Chess. And then it just went away.
- David: I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.
- Roseanne: (to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?
- Dan: Deer rifle.
- Darlene: And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.
- Roseanne: I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?
- Dan: Deer rifle.
- Darlene: And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.
- David: No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.
- Roseanne: I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?
- Dan: Yeah, I heard that.
Heart and Soul [8.24]
Fights and Stuff [8.25]
- [Dan has returned home from the hospital after suffering a heart attack]
- DJ: Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?
- Dan: Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.
- Roseanne: Well gee Dan, if you don't like my cooking, why don't you just cook yourself?
- Dan: Maybe I will.
- Roseanne: Oh yeah? Maybe you should. That'd be fun to watch.
- Dan: Fine. You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!
- Roseanne: Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner eleven years ago.
- Roseanne: God, you're hiding food, Dan?!!
- Dan: Yeah, with the cleaning products. It's the one place I knew you'd never look.
- Roseanne: What was all that crap you were tellin' me in the hospital, that big speech about how you never cheated on me? What the hell do you call this?
- Dan: Look, I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.
- Roseanne: So you're just gonna do it, aren't ya? You're just gonna go right ahead and harden an artery right here in my kitchen!
- Dan: I've got to live a little, Roseanne. You won't let me eat anything, you won't let me take any calls from work...
- Roseanne: Yeah, and I'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up!
- Roseanne: You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self-control! You're Jerry Garcia without the music.
- Dan: You got an answer for everything, don't you.
- Roseanne: Yeah, I do.
- Dan: Well... [breaks the mantelpieces] why don't you tell me how to clean up this CRAP you call decoration?!!
- Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up, using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
- Dan: You are a controlling BITCH!!!(flips coffee table over)
- Roseanne: No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you to get up off of your ass and and stop staring at that... [breaks television screen with Godzilla figure] damn TV!
- Dan: Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--
- Roseanne: What? Say it.
- Dan: Nothing.
- Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. [sighs heavily] You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [storms out, slamming the door]
Call Waiting [9.1]
Millions from Heaven [9.2]
- Jackie: Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I've got to tell you something!
- Roseanne: (rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?
- Jackie: We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!
- Roseanne: What are you talking about?
- Jackie: We won the lottery, I can't believe it!
- Roseanne: What lottery?
- Jackie: The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!
- Roseanne: You mean, you mean--
- Jackie: We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.
- Roseanne: Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??
- Jackie: Let's tell Dan!
- Roseanne: NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!
- Dan: What's going on?
- Roseanne: Don't panic!!
- Dan: Why, what's wrong?
- Roseanne: Nothing, nothing is wrong.
- Jackie: Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.
- Roseanne: Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.
- Dan: Scout's honor.
- Roseanne: WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!
- Dan: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!
- (DJ comes down the stairs as Roseanne is riding piggy back on Dan's back, both of them with Jackie screaming raucously.)
- Roseanne: (talking to DJ) Hey, hey. Go get my shirt.
(Darlene has tearfully told Roseanne that nobody deserves the lottery more than she and Dan)
- Roseanne: (laughs) Aww, honey, those are those pregnancy hormones kicking in(hugs Darlene). We should've gotten you knocked up years ago!
What a Day for a Daydream [9.3]
Honor Thy Mother [9.4]
Someday My Prince Will Come [9.5]
Pampered to a Pulp [9.6]
- Roseanne: Well, I'll snap your spine in a half like a potato chip, ya bitch.
Satan, Darling [9.7]
Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti [9.8]
Home is Where the Afghan Is [9.10]
- Jackie: Hi, everybody! (notices Darlene, who's pregnant) Darlene, how ya doing?
- Darlene: Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness, roll-down-the-window-when-you're-driving sickness, my shoes don't fit, my rings don't fit, my clothes don't fit, my vision's blurry, and if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand-new hemorrhoids! (smiles cheerfully; Jackie grimaces)
- David: Takes about ten minutes.
Mothers and Other Strangers [9.11]
Home for the Holidays [9.12]
Roseanne: Everybody stop what you're doing (phone rings) Hello You've Reached the Conners Residence. And...
Say It Aint's So [9.13]
Hit the Road, Jack [9.14]
Dan: Well I told you DJ I Gotta go back and take care of Mom. DJ: Your mom is fine so why are you leaving? Dan: DJ, Quit Yelling at me DJ: Quit lying to me!!! DJ: Fine Don't Tell me DJ: What the hell does that mean? DJ: You just hate me is that it? Dan: No I don't hate you DJ: You hate mom? Dan: I love your mother I love you Becky, Darlene and Jerry. Dan: I hope you understand someday. DJ: Look I understand plenty, Dad. Have a nice trip (As DJ Storms off and slams the door) Roseanne: I got four kids for God sake. Actually I do. Who am I Kidding?
The War Room [9.15]
Lanford's Elite [9.16]
Some Enchanted Merger [9.17]
A Second Chance [9.18]
- Darlene: Unless one of the side effects is death, I'm taking this stuff- all I want to do is save my baby.
The Miracle [9.19]
- Dan: Look David, I ain't no philosopher. But everyone knows that there's good and there's bad, okay? Nobody thinks that the bad stuff is ever gonna happen to them, and then one day, wham! – all of a sudden it does. And you think that there's no way that you can go on. But the day goes by, and another day goes by, then a week, a month, a year. And when you look back, you'll say "Hey, I got through this. I don't know how, but I made it".
- Roseanne: (to Harris) I owe you an apology. I've been trying to fix your body. We're not bodies with souls. We're souls with bodies.
The Truth Be Told [9.21]
Arsenic and Old Mom [9.22]
(Doorbell rings) Roseanne: Dan wake up somebody's at the door. Roseanne: Dan wake up. Dan: (Clapping his hands for turning on the lights) Who the hell it could be? It's 2 in the morning. Roseanne: We're happy to see you Audrey We could have pick you up from the airport. Audrey: I didn't fly I came by the bus. Dan: The Bus? Mom We got money now. Dan: So What did the doctor say? Do you need any follow up? (As Dan hangs up the phone) Roseanne: So what did the Doctor says? Dan: The doctor says she's gonna be fine as long as she keeps taking her medications. Dan: (As Audrey pounding the pancake) Mom! Mom! Mom! What are you doing? Audrey: Just whacking some nuts Audrey: (Singing) Danny Boy The Pipes The Pipes are calling. Roseanne: What's Going on, Dan I thought I heard Glass breaking! Dan: Honey This is Serious Roseanne: Don't be Ridiculous, Dan. Roseanne: But Dan that was 20 years ago! DJ: Heather We Gotta go.
Into That Good Night: Part 1 [9.23]
Dan: Honey Why are you so worried? Roseanne: Well figure it out, Dan Dan: Honey That's what kids do they leave the nest. Dan: I Gotta go I Gotta pick everybody from the Hospital. Our Granddaughter is coming home shortly. Roseanne: Say it again, Dan Louder Dan: (Loudly) Roseanne and Dan's Granddaughter is coming home today. Let's get ready to rumble!!!
Into That Good Night: Part 2 [9.24]
DJ: Baby's Eyes Baby's Ears David: Hey Got a lot of visitors today
- (final lines of the series, also known as Roseanne's Monologue)
Roseanne (Narrating) Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I’ve found it’s all around you. Take Leon for instance...
- Leon: (imitates police siren) Manners police. I'm sorry, Dan, no whittling at the dining room table.
Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He’s the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk’s Club.
- Leon: (talking to Scott) You know, as far as I'm concerned, George Bush was the best president we ever had. I mean, look at all the fat he cut out of Medicare.
- Scott: You know, in China, they believe in reincarnation, so they have a HELL of a time with their probate law!
Then there’s Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn’t get too creative there.
- Dan: Hey DJ, quit bogarting the moo goo gai pan.
- DJ: Yeah, well, Darlene took all the pot stickers.
- Darlene: ...and, now that you're distracted, I took the moo goo gai pan.
- Dan: Confucius say, you snooze, you lose. Oh, thinning son.
A lot of kids have called my son a nerd, but as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times, nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drummer.
- (DJ plays with chopsticks as if they were drumsticks and throws both behind his shoulder)
- Bev: Roseanne, will you keep your children in line? I didn't raise my children to throw chopsticks.
My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish Mom hadn’t either. I wish she had made different choices...so I think that’s why I made her gay: I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman.
- Bev: (talking to Leon) You may think I'm crazy, but it is the women's movement that has destroyed the family unit.
Oh yeah, and she’s nuts.
- Mark: (talking to David) Hey man, check out my fortune here: True love lies where you least expect it.
- Becky: It better not.
- David: Mark, I think I got yours: Deep thoughts run shallow.
- Jackie: There's lucky numbers on the back. Let's play the lottery.
- Roseanne: No thanks, I can't get rid of all this money now.
My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She’s been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her.
I guess Nancy’s kind of my hero too...
- Nancy: ...the women's shelter needs furniture, so if there's anything you don't want, let me know and I'll have it picked up.
...'cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don’t know what happened to that husband of hers, but in my book I sent him into outer space.
When Becky brought David home a few years ago, I thought "This is wrong"; he was much more Darlene’s type.
- David: (to Becky) Do you wanna go to this poetry reading before the museum?
- Becky: Yeah, before, I wanna pick up some books first.
- David: OK.
When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky.
- Mark: (to Darlene) Get me a beer.
- Darlene: Get it yourself, slob.
I guess I was wrong, but I still think they’d be more compatible the other way around, so in my writing, I did what any good mother would do: I fixed it.
- (camera pans over to Dan's chair; it is now empty)
I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack...but he’s still the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him.
- (background fades to black as Roseanne looks around. Dan's voice can be heard calling her name in the distance. Soon, we see Roseanne in a blue sweatshirt, sitting in the basement at the writer's desk the children got her back in Season 2.)
Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own, and we did. We didn’t hit our children as we were hit, we didn’t demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn’t teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons.
As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed by one outsider’s standards or another's [sic]. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the ones who transform everything we touch — and nothing on earth is higher than that.
My writing’s really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean, at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another woman. When you’re a blue-collar woman and your husband dies, it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything’s solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry, I was more like a female Steven Seagal, wanting to fight the whole world. For a while, I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn’t even get out of bed, til I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man, but then I felt so guilty, I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason.
And then Darlene had the baby and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn’t just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn’t like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story, even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action. I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate.
And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.
I think I’ll be a lot better now that this book is done.
- (as Roseanne gets up and exits the basement, we hear snippets of the kids presenting her with the gifts)
- DJ: Happy birthday, Mom. Here, pencils.
- Darlene: Yeah, and I got you some notepads.
- Becky: And I got you a dictionary and a thesaurus.
- Dan: You know, Stephen King got started this way.
(Roseanne exits the basement and heads to the living room, as we see it was never renovated. As she walks to the couch and sits, Phoebe Snow sings the theme song acapella.)
- If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger
- We're gonna last longer
- Than the greatest wall in China
- Or that rabbit with a drum
- If there's one thing that I've learned
- While waiting for my turn
- It's that in each life, some rain falls
- But you also get some sun
- We'll make out better than okay
- Hear what I say
- Yeah, any day.
- Roseanne - Roseanne Conner
- John Goodman - Dan Conner
- Laurie Metcalf - Jackie Harris
- Sara Gilbert - Darlene Conner
- Lecy Goranson - Becky Conner
- Michael Fishman - DJ Conner
- Glenn Quinn - Mark Healy
- Johnny Galecki - David Healy
- Estelle Parsons - Bev Harris