I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.
Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.
Ralston: Then you think, "It's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "This is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap."
Chris: [laughs] Thanks, guys, all right.
Ralston: Don't say we didn't warn you.
Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.
[Roxanne is walking behind a hedge because she is nude after locking herself out of her house]
Roxanne: Nobody had a coat?
C.D.: I thought you said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne: Why would I not want a coat?
C.D.: You said you didn't want a coat!
Roxanne: I was being ironic.
C.D.: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.
C.D.: Let's take a look at that letter...
Chris: I think it's really good!
C.D.: "Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."
C.D.: You must know about M31.
C.D.: Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.
Roxanne: Do you know how many objects are up there?
C.D.: Well, I know it's over fifty.
C.D.: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got the whole world ...
Everyone: [singing] In his nose!
C.D.: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
C.D.: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped. [he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on] All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
Man: You smart-assed son-of-a-bitch! [swings and misses at C. D.]
C.D.: You flat-faced, flat-nosed, flat-head. [punches man and walks away][to Dixie] Has he fallen yet?
[The man falls and everyone applauds]
Roxanne: When you're getting love letters, you don't go around trying to compare the signature to the handwriting.
C.D.: You wanna know why? 'Cause you wanted to believe it. You wanted it all. All the romance and emotion, all wrapped up in a cute little nose and a cute little ass!
Roxanne: You even got me in bed.
C.D.: Yeah. Yeah, what about that? You went to bed with him on your first date.
Roxanne: Only because you seduced me. I would have never gone to bed with him otherwise.
C.D.: You still went to bed with him awfully fast! A few frilly words and you're counting ceiling tiles.
Roxanne: I don't even consider that I went to bed with him!
C.D.: Well, somebody was up there, and it's for goddamn sure it wasn't me!
Roxanne: When I close my eyes, I see you again and again. Your eyes, your face. The way you walk. And your style. Your wit. And your nose, Charlie... I went inside and I thought what it was about Chris that attracted me. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true - at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that to me. It was you. All these other men, Charlie, they've got flat, featureless faces. No character! No fire! No nose! Charlie - you have a big nose. You have a beautiful, great, big, flesh-and-bone nose! I love your nose! I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie. Well?
C.D.: [somersaults off the roof of the house] Are you kidding? [with some difficulty, they kiss]