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Rugrats Mystery Adventures

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Rugrats Mystery Adventure is a Rugrats game that was released for the PC on September 16, 1999.

Dialogue

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The Case of the Missing Jack-in-the-Box

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Tommy: My name's Pickles. Tommy Pickles. Private defective. Pirate eye. Diapee wearer. I'm one of the good babies helping to keep the crimson playground safe. I hope no one was out there tonight. But if they was, I hope they was coming to see me.
[Susie comes into Tommy's office]
Susie: I have some bad news. Someone's trying to frame Madame Lil!
Tommy: [to the viewers] I didn't know why somebody wanted to hang Madame Lil on a wall. All I knew is that they shouldn't.
Susie: Some dirty brat stole the Jack out of Phil's Jack-in-the-Box. Now it's just a box. And word on the playground is that Lil did it. She sent me to ask for help. She's busy arguing with Phil over who saw a worm first.
Tommy: If Madame Lil didn't do it, who did?
Susie: That's what I need you to find out. Please, Mr. Defective! You're her lonely hope! If Madame Lil takes the fall for this, she'll be in timeout for a long, long time! At least until she's a grown-up!
Tommy: Can you tell me exactly how Jack went bye-bye?
[a photo shows Phil shocked to see Jack gone]
Susie: Phil was playing with his Jack-in-the-Box this morning. He took a worm break, and when he came back and cranked open his Jack-in-the-Box, it was all box, no Jack. You gotta help him! And Madame Lillian. Will you take the case?
Tommy: [to the viewers] Timeout was no place for a girl like Madame Lilian. I had to help. [to Susie] I'll take the case of the missing Jack-in-the-Box!
Susie: Bless you, Mr. Defective!
Tommy: [thinking] I don't know why she blessed me, 'cause I didn't sneeze. But I did know one thing: [out loud] This was a job for Tommy Pickles, Pirate Eye!
Tommy: Mrs. Angelica, you toy-napped Jack, didn't you?!
Angelica: What makes you think that?
Tommy: The party horn, the chocky-chip cookies, and the Wedding Cynthia box.
Angelica: Oh, yeah, that stuff. But why would I want a dumb old broken baby toy?
Tommy: Because that doll-faced Wedding Cynthia was a very lonely girl, wasn't she? She had the dress, the flowers, the party horns, you even made her special wedding chocolate chip cookies, but the bride was missing one thing, wasn't she? The Gloom.
Angelica: It's true! It's true! When Mommy and Daddy bought me Wedding Cynthia, I thought I had everything, until they read me the back of the box. "Gloom sold separately!" AND THEY WERE ALL OUT OF GLOOMS!!!
Tommy: So you grabbed the firstest boy you could find and forced him into marrying a doll he never loved. A doll he never even knewd.
Angelica: It's not like that! Jack loved it! He would've never had a chance with a doll like Cynthia otherwise! Do ya think I'd let her marry a performer? What kind of life is that, living in a box? Cynthia deserves better, that's why I couldn't go through with it! I called the wedding off!
Tommy: Thank Bob.
Angelica: Cynthia's pretty upset, but she'll have to wait for Mr. Right to come along, which should be in four to six weeks, including delivery.
Tommy: I hope your a lesson today, Mrs. Angelica: You can't hurry love.
Angelica: You're right, Mr. Defective, but you can buy it, for $19.95, plus shipping and handling. That's how much the Cynthia Dream and Gloom cost! See you later!
Tommy: So, Jack's back in his box now! I told Phil not to play with him for a little while. He needs some alone time before he's ready to go out again. And now, everybody knows it was Mrs. Angelica who took him, not Lil. Where is she anyways?
Susie: Still arguing with Phil, but thank you Mr. Defective, sir. How can I ever repay you?
Tommy: Um... I don't know. I don't think you ever paid me the first time, did you?
Susie: Ooh, look at the time! Gotta go! Thanks, Mr. Defective! [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommmy: Huh. That's strange. Susie couldn't tell time. Oh, well. That was the end of the Missing Jack-in-the-Box case. Madame Lil could show her face around the playground again, and Mrs. Cynthia ended up getting her dream guy, along with the dream house and dream car and a dream hair salon, too. See? There are happy endings. Not for Mrs. Angelica, though. She did a lot of timeout, upstairs in the big house. Y'know, where her mommy and daddy live. And me? Well, I did what I always do after I solve a case: I went potty and took a nappy. Being a defective is not all adventure, y'know.

The Case of the Sand in the Sippy Cup

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[Angelica comes into Tommy's office]
Angelica: I DIDN'T DO IT!!!
Tommy: [to the viewers] With my neato keen defective training skills, I knew just the right question to ask. [to Angelica] Um, do what?
Angelica: Don't play dumb, even though you're real good at it! You must've heard! Word's spreading like wildlife all over the playground. They say I'm the one that did it to Chuckie.
Tommy: Did what to Chuckie?
[a photo shows Chuckie spitting out sand]
Angelica: Put sand in his sippy cup! He put it down to go play, and he was real thirsty when he got back, so he lifted his sippy cup up to his mouth and got a big mouthful of sand!
Tommy: [gasps] Chuckie doesn't even like sand in his shoes!
Angelica: Ah, he's alright. But talk about eating a real sandwich, huh? [laughs] I wish I thought of that. But I didn't! You gotta help me, Tommy! If they pin this donkey's tail on me, I'm gonna be in timeout 'til I'm a grandpa!
Tommy: [to the viewers] Normally, if Mrs. Angelica's lips was moving, was was lyin', but something felt different this time, or maybe I just had to potty. [to Angelica] I'll take the case!
Tommy: The pig is up, Phil! You wanted to make a better sand castle than Lil's, didn't you? Only your pail had a hole in it, didn't it? So you took Chuckie's sippy cup and used it as a pail instead!
Phil: Wow! How'd you know that? You must have psycho powers!
Tommy: Nope. I'm not a psycho, I'm a defective. It's my job.
Phil: I never meant for anyone to eat sand! I never even thought about it! I like eatin' sand!
Tommy: You're in big trouble, Mr. Phil!
Phil: You're... You're not gonna make me take a... bath, are ya?
Tommy: Nah, not that big.
Phil: Phew! That was close! Ya had me worried for a second.
Tommy: For once, it wasn't you that did something bad, Mrs. Angelica. Maybe I've been wrong about you all this time. Maybe this could be the beginning of a bootiful friendship.
Angelica: Yeah, and maybe pigs will start to fly, too! Ha! [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: ...Or not. So, the Case of the Sand in the Sippy Cup was solved! Everybody loved Mrs. Angelica again. Well, not really, but at least nobody calls her names no more... to her face. Phil gave Chuckie all the cookies he got for a long time, like, uh, a day. Chuckie's scared of sippy cups now, and he's learning how to drink out of grown-up glasses. And me? I got the satisfied-ness of a job well done, but some ice cream would've been good, too.

The Case of the Missing Binky

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[Angelica comes into Tommy's office]
Angelica: MR. DEFECTIVE!!! YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!! HE'S CRAZY, I TELL YOU!! CRAZY!!! HE'S OVER THE LEDGE!!!
Tommy: [to the viewers] Hey, she didn't nearly give me enough thinking time. This ponytailed princess moved fast. [to Angelica] Who is it, Mrs. Angelica? The Boogeyman?
Angelica: No.
Tommy: The monster under my crib you're always telling me about?
Angelica: No.
Tommy: [gasps] Then it must be... the dentorist!
Angelica: Even worse! It's your loudmouth little brother!
Tommy: Mrs. Angelica calling Dil loud was like the pot calling the pebble "Jack," but I let it slip. She was pretty upset.
Angelica: AAAH! HE'S DRIVING ME OFF THE WALL!! HE WON'T STOP CRYING!!! YOU GOTTA FIND HIS BINKY, MR. DEFECTIVE, BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND!!!
Tommy: Who would take Dil's binky? That's like... like taking a binky from a baby!
Angelica: The person who saw the binky last was Mrs. Aunt Didi!
Tommy: I know her. She goes by lots of names, but I call her... "Mommy!" But she's one of the good guys. She wouldn't do this.
[a photo shows Dil crying in his crib]
Angelica: She said she put Shorty in his crib for a nap when the little hand was on the one, when the little hand hit two, show came back in... and the binky was gone!
Tommy: But how? Nobody else was there.
Angelica: What are you askin' me for?! You're the defective! Now, find that binky before my hairs fall off!
Tommy: Don't cry, Dilly! Defective Tommy is on the job!
Tommy: Dil took the Binky hisself!
Phil: But how? The only thing he's good at is spittin' up.
Tommy: And throwing!
Phil: Yeah, he's good at throwin' up, too.
Tommy: Not throwing up, throwing stuff. Sometimes, Dilly gets excited.
Dil: [reaching for something] 'Oggy, 'oggy, 'oggy, 'oggy, 'oggy!
Tommy: Um, like right now, and he throws stuff. And almost all the stuff he throws lands next to the dresser. I figured that out after seeing the pile of toys over there. And what do all those toys gots in common?
Phil: Uh, they wish they'd belong to somebody else?
Tommy: No! Dilly slimed them all! And look up there! A slime print.
Phil: Does it match Dil's slime prints?
Tommy: Exactly! Dilly threw something, it hit the wall there, and then it fell down behind the dresser, pushing the final clues out: all these dust bunnies!
Dil: [giggles] Binky, binky!
Tommy: Wait, let me clean it off!
Phil: It's okay. The fuzzy stuff's the best part.
Tommy: You leaded us on a wild moose chase, Dilly! What do you gots to say for yourself?!
Dil: [blows a raspberry]
[Angelica leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: Sometimes, even the poopetrator doesn't even know why he did it. Oh, well. It's a big, crazy world, and I haven't been across the street yet. But the Case of the Missing Binky was solved. Phil went back to his normal life eatin' worms and chewing on mud. Dil? Well, he stayed exactly the same, but at least now I knew where to find his missing stuff. I pulled up three binkies, two rattles, and a really stinky bottle of milk from behind that dresser. Seems our Dilly had been a very busy baby. And me? I was thinking about finding me a nice quiet crib filled of stuffed animals and settling down, unless another big case came walking in.

The Case of the Missing Chocolate Milk

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[Susie comes into Tommy's office]
Tommy: Ah, Mrs. Susie. One of my favoritest clients. She's in here a lot. She always seems to got something wrong going on. Bad for her, but good for busy-ness.
Susie: You gotta help me, Mr. Defective, sir! Someone stole something very valuable from me!
Tommy: What? A penny?
Susie: No, even worse: a glass of chocolate milk!
Tommy: [gasps] That is valuable! If there's one thing you don't mess with, it's a kids chocolate milk! What's your story?
[a photo shows Susie shocked to see her glass empty]
Susie: I was at a potyuck party with my parents, I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Big was having. I just gotten a glass full of chocolate milk when they started serving dessert. I put my milk down on the table so I could use both hands to get a really big piece of chocolate cake, and when I came back, the glass... The glass was empty!
Tommy: There's no use crying over stolded milk, Mrs. Susie.
Susie: But it's gone! Gone! On the one-way trip to the bottom of some stranger's tummy! And nothing you could do could ever bring it back!
Tommy: Um, actually, you could just go to the stupermarket and get some more.
Susie: [cheers up] Oh, yeah! You always know just the right thing to say, Mr. Defective Tommy.
Tommy: I'm gonna do more than that! I'm gonna make sure this doesn't happen again! I'm gonna take the case!
Tommy: Mrs. Angelica! Of course! Eatin' candy, drinkin' chocolate milk and bein' mean are the six things you do bestest in the whole wild world! Or was that two things?
Angelica: How come you can't even count but you can figure out how to catch me?!
Tommy: Elementary school, my dear Mrs. Angelica, 'cause your one magic flaw was giving Mrs. Cynthia some of that milk! It gave her a moustache bigger than Grandpa's!
Angelica: I was being nice to her! I guess it's true: polite girls finish last.
Tommy: Save it for the judge and jerky!
Angelica: But it's not my fault! I didn't do it to be mean! Susie's brother Buster gave me those candies and they were trick candies. They were fire-flavored. I ate so many, there was smoke coming out of my mouth, and I accidentally spilled my juice, and Susie's milk was the only thing closeby. I drank it so fast, I didn't even taste it, but it stopped my mouth from exploding, which is good.
Tommy: Come to think of it, those candy wrappers did have a picture of fire on'em. Hmm... Mrs. Angelica, you're free to grow!
Angelica: It's about time! You'll be hearing from my loiter!
Tommy: So, it wasn't really Mrs. Angelica's fault. It was all cause of that buster... Buster.
Susie: My own brother... Brother. Thanks, Mr. Defective! I'll see you around the playground! [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: And just like that, it was bye-bye time. Hopefully, she was going home to drowned her tears in chocolate milk. So the Case of the Missing Milk was over. Mrs. Susie made Mr. Buster give her all the chocolate milk he got forever, and I thought it should've been longer than that. Mrs. Angelica's mouth was working fine again. Ah, well, you can't win'em all. And me? I figured it was finally time for me to take a vacation. The backyard was real nice this time of year. But the one thing I didn't count on was getting more cases, but that's just 'cause I can't count.

The Case of the Grand Thief Auto

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[Susie comes into Tommy's office]
Tommy: A client! So much for spending all day on the business end of a binky. Oh, well. A defective's gotta do what a defective's gotta do. Another day, another diapee. [to Susie] Tommy's the name, defectin's the game, but I like hide-and-go-peek, too.
Susie: I need your help, Mr. Defective. Somebody stole my car and took it for a joy drive!
Tommy: Keep talking, you're good at it.
[a photo shows Susie shocked to see her toy car crashed into a bush]
Susie: I was driving through the park when I saw a butterfly. So I got outta my car and started chasing it. When I came back, my car was gone!
Tommy: Us defectives have a name for what happened to you: Grand thief auto!
Susie: But it wasn't really stolen, 'cause I found it two playgrounds away stuck in a big bush. I tell ya, it's enough to make a poor, sweet, innocent girl like me wanna stop chasing butterflies.
Tommy: Don't worry, Mrs. Susie. I'm gonna make it safe to chase butterflies in this town again. I'm gonna take the case!
Tommy: Hmm... Chuckie, you hijerked Susie's car, didn't you?
Chuckie: Um, nice weather we gots today. Hmm.
Tommy: You're scared of dogs, right, Chuckie?
Chuckie: I'm scared of everything.
Tommy: And here's what I think: I think you was playing in the park and got too close to the flowers. You sneezed, and then you had to blow your nose. That's why I found a dirty hanky by the flowers.
Chuckie: You're being a little too nosy about my nose, Tommy.
Tommy: But when you blowed your nose, you woke up a big old meanie dog that was tied to a nearby tree, didn't you?
Chuckie: Yeah. I mean, no! No!
Tommy: The meanie dog broked his leash and started chasing you and you hijerked Susie's car to get away from him, didn't you? Didn't you?!
Chuckie: Yes! I did it! I did it! And I'd do it again, too! I didn't wanna be puppy chow! But I didn't mean to hit the bush! I mean, I was going so fast and it was hard to steer, and it just kinda jumped right out in front of me, and I was gonna drive the car back to where I found it, but I was scared the Chuckie-eating dog still there! So am I under distress, Tommy?
Tommy: Nah, I'm not gonna distress you, Chuckie. You had to hijerk the car to save yourself. The only bars you're gonna be behind are the monkey bars.
Chuckie: Phew. Thanks, Tommy.
Tommy: So, there wasn't any persecutin' 'cause there wasn't any poopetratin'.
Susie: I understand. I'm just glad Mr. Chuckie's alright. Friends is more important than cars any day of the week. See you around, Mr. Defective. [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: So the case of the Grand Thief Auto was over. That Mrs. Susie sure was something, forgiving Mr. Chuckie like that. Mr. and Mrs. Big, I mean, Susie's mommy and daddy bought her an even beterer car on account of how nice she was. Word has it that big old meanie dog skipped town. And me? I bought a one-way ticket to Nappy Land. [falls asleep]

The Case of the Missing Buried Treasure

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[Angelica comes into Tommy's office]
Angelica: Hey, ya dumb baby!
Tommy: [to the viewers] Out of all the defective agencies in all of the whole wild world, why did she have to come into mine? [to Angelica] The name's Pickles. My friends call me Tommy, but you can call me Mr. Defective Sir.
Angelica: If you weren't the only defective in town, I'd... I'd... I'd... ooh, I'd go to another one! But you are! So... please, can you help, Mr. Defective, sir?
Tommy: Drop the nice girl act, sister! Uh, I mean, cousin! Every kid between here and the playground knows you're a big old meanie!
Angelica: Maybe so, but even I'm not mean enough to steal Phil and Lil's buried treasure!
Tommy: Phil and Lil gots buried treasure? I didn't know they was pirates.
[a photo shows Phil and Lil shocked to see their buried treasure gone]
Angelica: They're not. Their treasure was an old bologna sandwich they thought was neat because it turned green. They buried it a few days ago, but when they came back to get it today, it was gone! But I didn't do it, really! Anybody who thinks I'd take a yucky old bologna sandwich is full of baloney themselves! You gotta help me get my good name back.
Tommy: [to the viewers] I didn't know nothing about Mrs. Angelica having another name, much less who would have stoled it. That sounded like a whole different case, but I knew that Mrs. Angelica and treasure went together like a diapee and a bottle. The thing is I also knew if there was one chance an innocent kid might have to do timeout for a crime they didn't poopetrate, I had to help. [to Angelica] I'll take the case!
Tommy: Gotcha red... uh, pawed! It was you, wasn't it, Spikey?! Confess! [Spike gives a shocked look] Okay, so I guess you're not gonna confess, but I know you did it. You dropped your bone in the sandbox so you could carry the sandwich. You met up with the kitty and barked at it, accidentally dropping the sandwich outta your mouth and onto the ground where it got grass all over it. The grass made it taste yucky, so you left it there, but it still had your longful toothmarks on it. Even Mrs. Angelica's mouth isn't that big. Right?! [Spike gives a shocked look] I guess you're saving it for the judge, huh?
Angelica: Thanks, Tommy. I'm not gettin' blamed for mean stuff I didn't do anymore, just for the stuff I did do. See you 'round, kid!
Tommy: Wait, Mrs. Angelica. Aren't you forgetting something?
Angelica: Oh, yeah. Phil and Lil wanted to say thanks by giving you the treasure. They say there's not enough bugs in it yet for them to keep it.
Tommy: Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't. It's their treasure.
Angelica: They said not to worry. They got lots of other fuzzy, green treasures under that couch. Now, I'm walking out that door, and you can't stop me. [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: Why would I want to stop her? Of all the stuff Mrs. Angelica does, leaving is the bestest. So, that was the end of the Case of the Missing Buried Treasure. Nothing bad happened to Spike, 'cause... well, he's a dog. Mrs. Angelica stayed out of timeout, Phil and Lil were more satisfieded clients, and me? I learned it's true what they say: "One baby's treasure is another baby's disgusting, fuzzy, green sandwich." But if I didn't get another case soon, I was gonna have to bury it... in my tummy.

The Case of the Malties Ducky

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[Susie comes into Tommy's office]
Tommy: Mrs. Susie walked in. She was good at walkin'. She'd been doing it a long time. I only learned that a little while ago. Usually, seeing Mrs. Susie was a good thing. We dids fun together. Y'know, tag, leapfrog, patty cake, the usual stuff a defective does in his offtime. But I could tell that wouldn't be playing patty cake today. She looked she had a spot on her mind.
Susie: Hello, Mr. Defective. I've got a lot on my mind.
Tommy: Well, I was close.
Susie: Somebody stole my plastic duck with the malty balls inside!
Tommy: [gasps] You don't mean...
Susie: Yup! The Malties Ducky!
Tommy: That's a priceless hairy-loom, isn't it?!
Susie: Nah, I got a whole box full of'em at the candy store that only cost 99 cents.
Tommy: Oh.
Susie: But I really liked it!
Tommy: Oh!
Susie: And I want you to get it back!
Tommy: Okay! Tell me everything you know, but skip the ABCs and other boring stuff like that.
[a photo shows Susie crying after seeing her Malties Ducky gone]
Susie: I was at the town park picnicking with my mommy and daddy. I set the Malties Ducky down to go pick some flowers, and when I came back, the Ducky gone south! I want you to catch whoever did this and persecute them to the full expense of the law!
Tommy: [to the viewers] Trying to turn Mrs. Susie down was like trying to eat without making a mess. A baby just couldn't do it. [to Susie] I'll take the case!
Tommy: Chuckaroo, you took the Malties Ducky?!
Chuckie: No! I mean, yes. I mean, maybe! I mean... Oh, just lock me up in the playpen and throw away the key! Yo can have all my toys, Tommy.
Tommy: But Chuckie, why did you do it?
Chuckie: I didn't mean to. I just felt bad for the Malties Ducky. The other duckies ran up to it, but then they left it all alone, so I took it down to lake so it can play with its friends, and I thought it wasn't moving 'cause it was scared. And then stuff fell out of it, but I didn't know they was malty balls. I thought it was going potty.
Tommy: Hmm, that explains the ducky feathers and the dropped malty balls, but what about the hanky-chief? What did you use that for?!
Chuckie: To blow my nose! I'm allergic to the park!
Tommy: Oh, okay. Now, for the 60-pazillion dollar question, where is it, Chuckie? What did you do with the duck?
Chuckie: I set it free. It's... it's... it's floating on the lake with all of its other ducky friends. Will you come visit me in the playpen?
Tommy: Nope, 'cause you're not going there. It wasn't your fault, Chuckie. You were just trying to help. Mrs. Susie will understand.
Chuckie: Thanks, Tommy.
Susie: Thanks, Mr. Defective, sir, but I gotta run.
Tommy: That was just like a damesel: Hire'em and leave'em.
Susie: You got me all wrong, Mr. Defective.
Tommy: Did I say that out loud? Oops.
Susie: I gotta go change into my swimsuit and check all the ducks on the lake before bedtime, and there's a lot of ducks on the lake. But don't worry, we'll always have patty cake. [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: And just like that, she was gone, but the Case of the Malties Ducky was solved. Chuckie stayed out of the playpen, Mrs. Susie got her malty balls back, although they was kinda soggy. And me? Well, I took a nappy. This defective stuff is tiring. Asides, I knew it wouldn't be long before somebody else came through that door and woked me up.

The Case of Cynthia's Doll-Napping

[edit]
[Angelica comes into Tommy's office]
Tommy: Her name was Mrs. Angelica, but she was no angel. She wasn't much of an "elica", either, really. She was the kind of girl your mommy and daddy warned you about. You know the type: steal all your cookies, break your toys, try and pull all your teeths out and give'em to the Tooth Fairy, the usual stuff. I prepared for the worstest. But as she got closer, I saw she looked different. She didn't look mad, she looked sad. Something had happened. Something horribubble.
Angelica: SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAS HAPPENED!!!
Tommy: Ha! I knew it! Oh, I mean, um... what's wrong?
Angelica: She's gone! Gone!
Tommy: Who?! Who?!
Angelica: CYNTHIA!!!
Tommy: Oh, your dolly? You can just buy a new one at that store. [Angelica glares at him] Or not. When was the lastest time you seed her?
Angelica: At Mrs. Aunt Didi's house.
[a photo shows Angelica shocked to see Cynthia gone]
Angelica: Everything was fine. She was driving her dream car to her dream house and wearing her dream swimsuit. But then the dream turned into a nightscare. I had to pull over for a potty break. When I came back, the car was empty.
Tommy: Was there a rancid note?
Angelica: No.
Tommy: Did Mrs. Cynthia gots any emenies?
Angelica: No, 'cept the washing machine, but I already checked there.
Tommy: Hmm... We don't gots any leads. This isn't gonna be easy.
Angelica: Please, Mr. Defective, sir! She's my bestest friend in the whole wild world! You just gotta find her! You just gotta!
Tommy: Are you crying, Mrs. Angelica?
Angelica: 'Course not! It's just, uh, rainin' in my eye! That's all! Don't you know nothin'?!
Tommy: [to the viewers] I knew one thing: damesels with rainy eyes got to me every time. I actually wished she was yelling at me instead. I had to find that doll! I'll take the case!
Tommy: The baby did it! My own brother!
Dil: Tommy!
Tommy: I knew there was something dirty about you, but I thought it was just your diapee.
Dil: Poop!
Tommy: Yep, but that's not all you had in your diapee, was it?
Dil: [giggles] Yucky, yucky!
Tommy: You said it, kid! Yucky! Mrs. Cynthia needs a bath. I bet you're wondering how I knew it was you, huh?
Dil: [soils himself] Poopie!
Tommy: Maybe not, but I'm gonna tell you anyway: I knew the mouth juice on the floor was from you or Spike, same with the chewed-up block, but the binky? That's what sealed your crate! You dropped that to pick up Mrs. Cynthia, didn't you?! Didn't you?! Come on, Dilly! Confess! I know you dided it! This hurts me more than it hurts you!
Dil: [blows a raspberry]
Angelica: Where did you find her?!
Tommy: Um... let's just say I really got to the bottom of this case.
Angelica: Oh, thank you, Mr. Defective, sir! I could just give you a great, big kiss, too! But I won't. Who knows where a gross baby like has been? I know how to repay you. I won't call you a dumb baby for a day! ...Nah, half a day. ...Nah, I just won't call you one right now. Okay, we're even. Bye! [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: That was mean, shellfish, and ungrateful! It was good to have the real Mrs. Angelica back! And Mrs. Cynthia, too, but I hope she took a trip to the washing machine real soon. Dil didn't have to take a trip to timeout. I went easy on him. He's just a kid. If I had a dollar for every time I shove something down my diapee when I was a baby, I'd be a bazillionaire. I still shove stuff down my diapee, and I'm almost two. And me? Well.. I wasn't a bazillionaire, so I had to sit and wait for my next case to come along.

The Case of the Macarodi Art Heist

[edit]
[Susie comes into Tommy's office]
Tommy: Mrs. Susie, my favoritest client. She was a real sophistamicated lady, knew all her colors and could count, too. She was alright. Too bad lately the only time I saw her was when something was wrong. [to Susie] We gotta stop meetin' like this.
Susie: But this is the only office you have, isn't it?
Tommy: [to the viewers] She had a point. [to Susie] Yeah, nevermind. What seems to be the problem?
Susie: Somebody stole a piece of art from me!
Tommy: Oh, which piece of it did they steal?
Susie: The whole thing!
Tommy: That's a pretty big piece.
Susie: The biggest! Uh, how long have you been a defective?
Tommy: My whole life!
Susie: Oh...
Tommy: So, um... about a year.
Susie: Oh...
Tommy: But I'm the bestest defective around!
Susie: You're the only defective around.
Tommy: That, too. So, tell me what happened. Just the facts, ma'am.
[a photo shows Susie shocked to see her macaroni art gone]
Susie: I was in the park. I just finished gluing together my latest masterpiece: a statue of myself made out of macarodi. Then my little brother Edwin got stuck on the slide, and I had to go rescue him. When I came back, I was gone! I mean, the statue of me was gone.
Tommy: Oh... I'll take the cake!
Susie: You mean the case.
Tommy: What did I say?
Susie: Are you sure you have a defective license?
Tommy: You need a license?
Tommy: It wasn't an art thief that stole that statue. It was a bark thief!
Spike: Ruff, ruff!
Tommy: You had everything, Spike! A food bowl, your own house, um... a food bowl! Why'd you do it?!
Spike: Ruff, ruff!
Tommy: Uh-huh. Just like I thought it did. You was hungry. You eated that statue, didn't you? Now, that's what I call a real art lover. You even drooled over it. I know, 'cause I found your drool pool at the scene of the crime. And I finded your doggy dish still full of food, 'cause you already ate. And it's not your fault, Spikey. It's not you that's snapped. It was your leash. I know, 'cause I founded that, too.
Susie: I'm sorry I doubted you, Mr. Defective.
Tommy: That's okay, Mrs. Susie. I'm just sorry we couldn't get your statue back.
Susie: Don't worry. I'm already working on my next masterpiece: a statue of you! Here's looking at you, kid. [leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: Ah, yep, that Mrs. Susie sure was a good girl. But she was a thief, too. She stole my heart. Oh, well. It would've never worked out. We was from two different worlds. Her in preschool, me in diapees, but a baby could dream, couldn't he? So, the Macarodi Art Heist Case was over. Mrs. Susie kept making macarodi masterpieces. We kept Spike on a tighter leash. And me? Well, I became something of an art collector myself.

The Case of the Missing Crayons

[edit]
[Angelica comes into Tommy's office]
Tommy: Angelica Pickles. Nickname: "The Boss." A real bad girl. Usually, if she was heading towards you, you were the one who needed help, but not this time. This time, the table was burned. It was her that needed help. Funny thing about Mrs. Angelica, when she walked into a room, everyone's eyes went to her, usually 'cause she was yelling really loud.
Angelica: ALRIGHT, WHO TOOK'EM?!?
Tommy: Calm down, Mrs. Angelica!
Angelica: I! AM! CALM!!!
Tommy: [to the viewers] Boy, if this was calm, I didn't want to see her when she was angry. [to Angelica] Let's start at the starting. Tell me what happened.
Angelica: All my red crayons! Red! Sky red! Pink! Sky pink! Red pink! Pink pink! Pink sky red!
Tommy: I got it. Lots of red.
Angelica: Without red, how am I supposed to draw apples and roses and, um... grass?!
[a photo shows Angelica shocked to see her red crayons gone]
Angelica: We was all coloring and making macarodi art and other grownup stuff. Everything was okay until I got to a picture of... an apple! I reached for a red crayon, but there weren't any in the box! Only red crayon spaces where they used to be, so I had to make the apple... purple!
Tommy: [to the viewers] So, Mrs. Angelica was mad, but she wasn't seeing red. That was the problem. [to Angelica] Purple apples?! That's just not right! I'll take the case, Mrs. Angelica! You'll be seeing red again in no time!
Tommy: Lil, you took the red crayons!
Lil: But I don't gots no crayons!
Tommy: Yes, you do! In your tummy!
Lil: [burps] 'Scuse me. How did you know it was me?!
Tommy: Easy. I just put two and two together and got five! The red worm you drew before eating the evidence.
Lil: Oopslie.
Tommy: The red crayon I found with a bite taken out of it.
Lil: That one wasn't ripe yet.
Tommy: And finally, your bottle with red lip marks all over it!
Lil: Milk goes good with red crayons.
Tommy: I caught you red-mouthed!
Lil: I'm sorry, Mr. Defective! I just couldn't take anymore green squash or strained beets! I had to eat something yummy, and red crayon is the yummiest.
Tommy: Well, I hoped you liked'em, 'cause they boughted you a one-way ticket to timeout!
Lil: No! I'm too young before timeout! I gots my whole life ahead of me! I still have to get married, and have babies, and get potty-trained!
Tommy: Ah, put a bib on it! You'll be out before lunchtime!
Lil: Oh, okay. You really should try red crayon sometime, Mr. Defective. They're the bestest flavor. The other ones all taste like chicken.
Tommy: So, Madame Lil did time in the punishtentiary, and she promises the next time her mommy buys her crayons, she'll give all the red ones to you.
Angelica: Thanks, Mr. Defective! Not bad! ...For a dumb baby, that is.
Tommy: Thanks... I think.
[Angelica leaves Tommy's office]
Tommy: So, that was the Case of the Missing Crayons. Madame Lil gave Mrs. Angelica some new crayons and everything was back to Norman. No more blue firetrucks or green roses or purple apples. And me? Well, I was feeling kind of blue. If I didn't get another case soon, the defective agency was gonna be in the red. I needed more purple... I mean, people to walk through that door. There's a bazillion stories in the nakee city, but, um, I don't gots anymore. But don't think this is the end. The last guffaw, bye-bye time. We'll meet again. I may have caughted these criminal mustardminds for now, but I know one thing for sure: babies will keep being babies. They can't help it. And some babies is just plain bad. Sooner or later, somebody's gonna eat somebody else's crayons or put something in their diapee that they shouldn't. Sooner or later, somebody's gonna need a timeout. And when they do, I'll be there. I'm Tommy Pickles, private defective, pirate eye!

Cast

[edit]
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