[arm wrestling with Wayne] You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator. My guess is three times a day? I bet you're a premature ejaculator. You start off with a big bang. Before you know it, you're limp. [wins the match] I win, you lose. Now get out.
Wayne: J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway. Recently he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.
Subway Manager: Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got.
J.D. I've been working on them for weeks. I present the future of Subway. Bellston...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what?
Employee Bellston: Big?
J.D.: Like we practiced. You can do this. L....
Employee Bellston: Long!
J.D.: Okay, we'll come back to you. This guy's my stinkiest student by far. Trimball, let's see your sub. No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside. Okay, take it away. Take it away! Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé. He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub. Heston, where's the party sub? [Heston reveals the remaining third of the party sub, then belches]
Wayne: Dude, you don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.
J.D.: Yea, what does a fucking mime even look like when it's having sex? It's probably like "Uhh..uhh... I'm a mime."
Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.
J.D.: They do when they're... off duty.
Wayne: Hi. I'm Wayne.
Wayne: No, you don't understand. I'm not hitting on you.
Judith: Back off.
Wayne: I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren. He's smart, he's sensitive--
Judith: I don't care.
Wayne: He'd make a great husband.
Judith: I don't want to meet him.
Wayne: Great.... [goes back to Darren's table] Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
Wayne: Yeah, she's like "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.
Darren: Are you sure?
Wayne: Totally! Get down there and make your move.
Judith: That was really great.
Darren: Thanks. That got me pretty excited.
Judith: That's nice.
Darren: I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me.
Judith: Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you. I would love to, but I can't. I have very, very sensitive gums.
Darren: You have gums-- It's a medical condition. I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No.
Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
Judith: That's right.
Wayne: Interesting. I'm in a related field.
Judith: Really? What's that?
Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.
Judith: How is that related?
Wayne: We both help people. While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs, I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish...
Judith: Okay, fine. No more sex.
Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.
Darren: No, Judith, please--
Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.
Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight. Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well. Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO! This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!
J.D.: I'm chafing.
Wayne: But we're prepared to buy you off.
Judith: With what?
Wayne: My house. Okay? Look. My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard. There's my mom, there's my dad and there's me... My dad was dropping me on my head. But we're willing to sign this over to you if you just agree not to see Darren.
Judith: I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma.
Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse.
J.D.: It's true.
J.D: Yep. Sandy, remember me? J.D. McNugent? I went to the prom with a tuxedo painted on my naked body.
Sandy: Oh, I guess I missed it.
J.D: I spilled a drink and the paint ran and everyone could see my dong.
Sandy: It doesn't ring a bell.
J.D: Oh! Remember, that time in science class, I was lighting farts with the Bunsen burner and I singed my ball sack?
J.D.: Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut. It sucks.
Brett: I'll have a merlot.
Clayton: A spritzer.
Wayne: We don't work here.
Brett: You fooled me. My name's Brett, this is Clayton. This is Darren.
Wayne: Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.
J.D: Darren's our friend, Brett.
Wayne: We knew him first.
J.D: Fuck you, replacement friend!
Wayne: Eat this, fake Wayne!
[They fight Brett and Clayton]
Wayne: She thinks this game is over.
J.D: It's not over. No!
Wayne: But we are taking this into overtime!
Wayne: Okay, strategy session. Okay, our enemy is wicked.
J.D: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
Wayne: No, Damien.
J.D: Dude, she's Vader.
Wayne: No, she is the Emperor!
J.D: But with really great tits.
Wayne: Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl. She's a sweetheart.
J.D: Dude, a saint.
Wayne: A goddess.
J.D: A princess.
Wayne: You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa.
J.D: But with way better tits.
Darren: I can't figure out why Judith left. It doesn't make any sense. She didn't even take her clothes.
J.D: Maybe she went where she didn't need clothes: a nudist colony.
Darren: I don't think so.
J.D: Maybe she got kidnapped.
Darren: You think?
J.D: No. Definitely not. That's impossible. It's like, why would that happen...in a...world? Maybe she's a lesbo.
Darren: Come on.
J.D: Maybe she's a herm.
J.D: A hermaphrodite. Little dick, little puss.
Judith: You must be very well-educated.
J.D:[in his eagle mascot costume] I suppose.
Judith: Ivy League?
J.D: More or less.
Judith: Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton?
Judith: Oh, Stanford University?
J.D: Subway University.
Judith: I knew someone who went there. Did you know J.D. McNugent?
J.D: No. No. Never heard of such a person, ever.
Judith: See you later, J.D.
J.D:[about to leave the garage] Take it easy, Judith. [stops, and thinks for a minute] Goddamn it! [closes the door]
Darren: Yeah, everything's been really good, you know?
Darren: Well, my fiancée died.
Sandy: She died?
Darren: Yeah, she's dead.
Sandy: I am so sorry.
Darren: Oh, don't be. Please don't be sorry. It's nothing.
Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
J.D: Yes... No.
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
J.D: Which man?
Judith: Any man.
J.D: You mean, like, a tall man?
Judith: Sure, whatever.
J.D: I don't like tall people.
Judith: How about a short man?
J.D: How short? Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird, like midgets.
Judith: Have you fantasized about having sex with any man? Any man at all?
J.D: Does that include celebrities?
Wayne: What the fuck happened?
J.D: Judith was giving me some therapy and helped me realize I was gay and--
Wayne: Wait. What? I see what happened. She messed with your head.
J.D: Wayne, I'm gay.
Wayne: No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.
J.D: No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.
Wayne: How'd she do that?
J.D: She listened. Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs.
Wayne: Like what?
J.D: Like my obsession with Bette Midler. My preference for track lighting. And the fact that I like sucking dick.
Wayne: What?! You've done that?!
J.D: No. Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?
Wayne: I don't want to hear anymore. Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem! But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself. Okay! [sits and reads a magazine]
J.D: You want to be gay with me?
Wayne: No! [gets out of his chair and leaves]
Wayne: Now here's what's gonna happen. I'm going to listen to your conversation. Now if you say anything about Judith... or so much as mention her name... then I'll give you a little shock. [tests a shock on Darren] Perfect.
Darren I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples.
Wayne: I could put them on your balls.
Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
J.D.: Dude, you got a boner?
Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?
J.D.: I'm eatin'.
J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
Wayne: Since when?
J.D.: Since always.
Wayne: I never knew that.
J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
J.D.: I got three balls.
Wayne: Shut up! God!
J.D.: Dude. Dude!
Coach Norton: Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.
Wayne: We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill.
Coach Norton: What do you do?
Wayne: Well, we just use the lawn now.
Coach Norton: Smart thinking.
Wayne: Oh, God!
J.D: You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there.
Wayne: Come on, Coach. We need your help. Jail life is real tough. They're...they're sodomizing us in here.
Coach Norton: What?! They're corn-holing you? Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out.
J.D: You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him.
Wayne: Oh, here. We got you some clothes.
Sandy: Where did you get these?
Wayne: J.D.'s sister. She's a stripper.
J.D: And a hooker.
Neil Diamond: You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes... Naked pictures.
Wayne: What? We never sent you any naked pictures.