Scarecrow and Mrs. King

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Scarecrow and Mrs. King (1983–1987) is an American television series that aired from October 3, 1983, to May 28, 1987 on CBS. Divorced housewife Amanda King and handsome spy Lee Stetson meet under unusual and desperate circumstances. Soon finding they need each other in cases that are a matter of life and death, they embark on a journey where Amanda finds her true talent as a black belt confuser and Lee learns stuff they don't teach you at the Agency.

Season 1[edit]

The First Time [1.01][edit]

Lee: Just walk with me.
Amanda: I certainly will not!

Amanda: I don't want to buy a ticket. Do you know what I have on under this coat? A nightgown! [All the men on the train look up at her.] Do you think I expected to be on this train?
Conductor: Where did you expect to be?

Francine: Well, I understand you gentlemen have to report to the principal's office.
Billy: Tag along, Francine.
Francine: Why do I have to go?
Billy: One of the chores of being my assistant is helping take the blame.

Dirk: That's true, Billy. But, when a month goes by and your boys and girls, can't seem to do diddly, then Internal Affairs moves in to find the weak link.
Lee: I wish you wouldn't look at me when you say weak link

Lee: I bet she didn't give it to him.
Dirk: Who? Who?
Lee: The lady I gave the package to.
Dirk: You gave classified information to a stranger?! That violates every procedural ordinance ever written!
Lee: Dirk, I didn't want to lose the package.
Francine: It was the same ploy that Lee used in Munich in his brilliant rescue of Dr. Forbisher's formula. His methods might be unorthodox, but the Scarecrow always delivers.
Lee: I owe you a drink.
Francine: You owe me a dinner.

Dotty: You are awfully fixed up.
Amanda: Mother, all I did was comb my hair and put on a little makeup.
Jamie: Usually your hair is sorta frazzled.
Amanda: Usually I'm sorta frazzled, sweetheart.

Amanda: How did you find me?
Lee: We have ways.
Amanda: I thought only Nazis and spies said that.
Lee: Well, I'm not a Nazi.

Lee: You sure know the hot spots.
Amanda: Well, we couldn't exactly meet in the grocery store, could we? Anyway, isn't this where you guys meet? Like in sort of isolated places, kind of creepy and stuff?
Lee: Only when we wear trench coats.

Lee: Amanda, I think you ought to stay away from all of this. People in my business have years of training. It could get dangerous. Even worse, you could screw things up.

Amanda: How am I doing?
Lee: You're doing just fine!
Amanda: Open your eyes!

Lee: What are you wearing?
Amanda: What do you care?

Billy: Scarecrow. I think we've finally found you a partner.
Lee: Knock it off, Billy.
Francine: Oh, you two are darling together. I understand she knits or something.
Lee: I'd button it, Loose Lips.

Amanda: Phillip, do not hit your brother in the head with trash!

There Goes The Neighborhood [1.02][edit]

Francine: Billy! It was after six o'clock. Bumpy Holcomb would already be in the yacht by that time, halfway through his soup course.
Lee: Bumpy?
Francine: To his more intimate friends, yes.
Lee: I'll never know what you see in that guy. He's hardly your type.
Francine: He's got money, looks, power, a house down in Rio. He's exactly my type.

Francine: Children. This case is nastier than I thought.

Lee: Well, ha ha, there you are, you sly boots. I thought it was agreed, Babycakes, no job until the triplets are in nursery school!
Amanda: What are you talking about?
Lee: You know, the little woman is so gosh-darn eager to earn some pin money. But I told her, the first four years of a child's life are more important than a new roof. Come on, Cookieface, it's two o'clock, feeding time.

Amanda: What the Sam Hill do you think you are doing? First, you cannot get rid of me fast enough, then you barge in and drag me out of an interview for a perfectly good job. You say you are my husband, a lie which I do not find funny, and where do you think you are taking me?
Lee: We're getting married.
Amanda: That's asking too much.

Dotty: What do you mean you didn't get the job at Honeycut Typewriter? Didn't the interview go well?
Amanda: You certainly could say that.
Dotty: Have you told Dean? I think you should. I have always found him a rock in my darkest moments.
Amanda: You told my boyfriend your darkest moments?
Dotty: Well, um ... he's so patient. It's like talking to a registered nurse.

Amanda: No! I can't sleep here. How would I explain it? I'd feel like I was lying and sneaking.
Lee: You are lying and sneaking. You're working for the government.
Amanda: No! I mean ... I would feel guilty. You know? Like I was... having a thing. Or something. You know?
Lee: A thing?
Amanda: Yes, you know. A thing.
Lee: Like an affair?
Amanda: Yes. That kind of a thing.
Lee: Well, you're not. Now, do you like a window open at night?
Amanda: Lee. I have to consider Dean.
Lee: Okay. How does he feel about windows?

Amanda: I need two more strawberry daiquiris. Go easy on the rum.
Lee: Where does it say in my contract that I have to make daiquiris? I hate this assignment. I want a divorce

Francine: So, how is married life treating you, huh? Dinner at six? Dishes at seven? TV till nine?
Lee: Bed.
Francine: Bed?
Lee: You know, Francine, I've gained a lot of respect for the generosity and... stamina of the American housewife.
Francine: You're disgusting.

If Thoughts Could Kill [1.03][edit]

Lee: Uh-huh. And noises. Uh, squeaks, thumps ... Maybe it's a jungle. It's hot, steamy.
Amanda: Probably sexual. Freud would say.

Lee: Francine, if you could pinpoint the single major reason as to why Amanda King gets to you, what would it be?
Francine: Her complete lack of ... everything.

Billy: Lee, you've managed to avoid your physical for three years.
Lee: I've been busy!

Lydia: I'm Mr. Stetson's neighbor, Lydia Lowell?
Amanda: Oh, hello. I'm Amanda King.
Lydia: Will you be seeing Mr. Stetson again, or is this a one night sort of thing?

Amanda: Yes, sir. Well, I'd just like to go on the record as saying that I regard Lee as a friend. And as such, I'm a little uncomfortable in snitching and spying on a friend.
Francine: Oh, don't be. That is standard operating procedure around here.

Amanda: What did you expect?
Lee: A bottle of scotch, a whole cheesecake, a, a, a, – a woman!
Amanda: What?!
Lee: Yeah. Yeah, that's what I want. I want a woman.
Amanda: Well, I think you had better stop this right now because I will not get you a woman!

Lee: Could you give me something for the pain, huh?
Nurse: You don't want to mask the symptoms do you?
Lee: Yes, yes I want to mask them

Magic Bus [1.04][edit]

Amanda: When I told you not to call, I didn't mean you could come sit in my bushes!

Amanda: The weasel-faced man! Are we gonna smoke him out?

Emma: That Shecky Martino, the one that does all those jokes about the commode? He's a particular thorn in Gordon's side.
Amanda: You know, that thing he does with the rubber chicken is pretty funny, though.

(Amanda is sitting on the floor with her head in a cupboard, looking for something)

Dotty: Amanda, Are you having an affair? (she hits her head)
Amanda: What?!

Amanda: Leave me, he says.
Lee: They tell us to say that. Thank God you never listen to me.

Amanda: Do you think maybe you could say something nice about my work? I mean, after all, I think I did contribute something to it.
Lee: Hmm. Okay, uh, your work was ... Not bad.
Amanda: Not bad?
Lee: Yeah. Not bad.
Amanda: Not bad.
Lee: Well, you think my legs are just okay, I think your work was just not bad.
Amanda: That is so petty.
Lee: Care to change your opinion?

The ACM Kid [1.05][edit]

Lee: Listen, I've got this real problem here and it's not exactly in my area. So, I thought I'd call you, as it's something that you probably know all about.
Amanda: I can only assume this is you. Possibly because you're the only man I know who doesn't say hello, doesn't ask how I am.
Lee: How are you?

Lee: Yes, Amanda. Danger, excitement. Intrigue.
Amanda: Oh, shut up.

Lee: Right. I've got a real problem here, I've got this kid that won't talk to me.
Amanda: By kid, do you mean one of those girls you date?

Amanda: You know, this reminds me of a place I lived in when I was in college. Mother saw it and she made me move.

Amanda: Are you always this punchy in the morning?
Lee: Are you always this perky?
Amanda: Well, you know, I guess I'm just what you'd call a morning person. I guess you're just not what you'd call a morning person. Uh, look, are you sure you're set up to take care of a child? I mean, you know, they need...
Lee: Attention, someone to talk to?
Amanda: No, what they need is food, and you haven't got any.
Lee: Just what do you call that incredibly expensive Camembert?
Amanda: Moldy.

Amanda: How'd you guys do at the grocery store?
Alexi: Good. The Fed here let me do all the shopping.
Amanda: Six frozen pizzas and a pound of brownies. That all you got?
Alexi: We must've left the beer in the car.

Amanda: This is Lee Stetson. He is one of the top agents in the country. Now if you'll just untie us, he will rescue your parents and stop these people. Trust me.
Alexi: If he's so hot, what's he doing tied up in a closet?
Amanda: Perfectly good question

Always Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth [1.06][edit]

Francine: I could have married royalty. A prince proposed to me once.
Billy: Why didn't you accept?
Francine: His country was too small.

Billy: Be nice.
Francine: When am I anything but?

Amanda: Well, I was just wondering ... shouldn't I know how to hit?
Billy: Excuse me?
Amanda: Well, shouldn't I have certain skills, you know, like self-defense, maybe know a few codes...
Billy: Amanda, surely you realise that your value to us is that of a civilian. I don't need another agent.
Francine: Were you to become a known operative, your usefulness would be over.
Lee: Yeah, it's great you don't know anything. The enemy could torture you for weeks and not get a thing.
Amanda: Oh, well, I appreciate that. But I don't think staying alive would compromise my usefulness too much.

Lee: I don't want the Princess to know you're one of us.
Amanda: Gee, I'm one of us.
Lee: I know I'll regret saying that

Penelope: He's kinda cute.
Amanda: Who?
Penelope: That agent, Mr. Stetson. The one in charge of security.
Amanda: Oh, him.
Penelope: Yeah, him. Yeah, I notice he doesn't have a wedding ring on.
Amanda: Oh, no. No, I could never get involved with ... anybody in that line of work. That's, that's too dangerous.
Penelope: Sometimes dangerous can be fun.

Francine: I spent the entire evening with an IRS man.
Lee: Come on, Francine, do you have to give me all the gory details of how you got the information?
Francine: Yes, I do. First, we went to a tiny little restaurant with imitation wood tables and no wine list to speak of and then, then he suggested that we go back to his condo.
Lee: Oh, come on now. It's not like you've never done that before.
Francine: Not to music, I haven't.

Francine: Listen, Billy. Would you mind explaining one tiny, little inequity to me?
Billy: What's that?
Francine: Well, it just seems that while I, the seasoned professional, am in here, digging through files, socializing with the IRS, and Amanda, the rookie, is out whooping it up with royalty, ex-movie stars, and Lee Stetson. I mean, I'm asking you, who do you know that is better at mingling with and flattering the idle rich than I am?
Billy: No one.
Francine: Ah-hah. So, you can explain the situation to me?
Billy: Certainly. That's the way life is.
Francine: Why do I even ask these questions?

Penelope: Oh-hoh!
Amanda: This is not an oh-hoh.
Penelope: Oh.
Amanda: Uh-uh. No, no. No. I don't know what that man wants.
Penelope: No?
Amanda: No!

Lee: Hi.
Amanda: I thought I was supposed to be undercover.
Lee: You are. Why? Is anything wrong?
Amanda: Oh, no, no, no, that was a very subtle performance you gave at the window. She thinks we're having a oh-hoh-hoh-hoh!
Lee: A what?
Amanda: You heard me. She thinks you're cute.
Lee: I am cute.
Amanda: Not that cute.

Lee: So, she said I was cute?
Amanda: She was under a lot of pressure.
Lee: Amanda, when you're undercover, it is not good procedure to look at me until the assignment is officially over. Does the, uh, princess know you're working with us?
Amanda: No, but I had to have a reason you were outside my window last night.
Lee: Ah, what did you come up with?
Amanda: I didn't come up with anything, she did.
Lee: Okay, what did she come up with?
Amanda: She thinks we're having a thing.
Lee: A thing?
Amanda: Eyes straight ahead, Scarecrow.

Service Above And Beyond [1.07][edit]

Amanda: Well, who picked these out?
Lee: The computer did. It's Delano's favorite colors and designer.
Amanda: Hmm. Did the computer also decide on the house?
Lee: Mm-hmm. Delano's favorite architect and décor.
Amanda: Quite some computer.
Lee: Yeah. The computer also suggests that you wear your hair up.
Amanda: Well, why don't you let the computer put the dress on and go out with him tonight, too?

Lee: It's way after midnight, Cinderella.
Amanda: What are you doing here?
Lee: Someone ripped off her microphone in the ladies' room, that left me with a lot of time to kill.
Amanda: Listen. I have to go home. I should change clothes.
Lee: Aren't you going to tell me about your evening?
Amanda: Well, there's nothing to tell. I did what your computer wanted me to do, and now it's time for me to slip into a phone booth and turn back into Amanda King.

Amanda: How'd you get me out of there?
Lee: I carried you.
Amanda: He carried me.

Saved By The Bells [1.08][edit]

Francine: Hey, everybody, drink up. We have just captured the leader of the most successful espionage ring in the country.
Lee: Uh, we?
Francine: Well, yeah, I like to think of us as one big, happy team around here. Sharing in the pain, sharing in the heartache.
Lee: Sharing the credit.
Francine: If I must.
Amanda:Is it legal in this state to grow penicillin?

Dotty: Amanda?
Amanda: Yes, Mother?
Dotty: Somebody's here to see you.
Amanda: Oh, really? Who -- Oh, uh, Mother, this is Miss Desmond, she's one of my pet-sitting clients, I take care of her ... chimpanzee.
Dotty: Oh, really?
Amanda: Mm-hmm.
Dotty: Well, won't you sit down? Oh, I just thought it was awfully enterprising when Amanda told me that she was going to start this service, taking care of people's pets and plants. I mean, it's not exactly what I had in mind when she went to college, but, I mean after all, what does one do with a degree in American lit?

Francine: Uh, I really have to be going, could I take a raincheck on that strudel?
Dotty: Oh. All right. Be careful with that chimpanzee!

Zinoviev: Scarecrow, I am astounded that you found your way back here. Your reputation is not exaggerated.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Zinoviev: I cannot allow you to jeopardize my plans.
Lee: Look. She has nothing to do with this.
Zinoviev: Tell the big fella to keep quiet.
Amanda: Quiet, big fella.

Amanda: I don't know how anyone could mistake me for you, you're so much taller.

Zinoviev: Well, it is almost impossible to believe my good fortune in having you drop into my hands not just once, but twice.
Amanda: Please, you've just got to believe me. I'm not the Scarecrow.
Zinoviev: My dear, if I believed that, what use would you be to me? Do you think I could let you live one more second?
Amanda: You're right, this is your lucky day.

Amanda: Think of something, think of something!
Lee: I am thinking!
Amanda: Uggh!
Lee: Just relax, will you?
Amanda: Oh, sure, easy for you to say. You're not the one they're going to stuff in a refrigerator and ship off to Moscow.
Lee: No, I'm the one they're going to put up against a wall and shoot!

Sudden Death [1.09][edit]

Billy: We have a man on the inside investigating.
Amanda: Lee?
Billy: Lee.
Francine: Lee used to play football, you know?
Amanda: Where?
Francine: Oh, at many of the universities he was thrown out of.

Amanda: MMPH! Mmph! Mmph? Mmmmmm. . . .
Lee: I hope you, uh, got all you came for, Mrs. King. (He winks.) Interview-wise, that is.

Amanda: I can't believe I spent the night in a bookie joint in a straitjacket and my mother will never believe it.
Lee: Amanda, believe me, we have worse problems than your mother thinking you were shacked up.

The Long Christmas Eve [1.10][edit]

Lee: Now, don't be nasty, Francine, huh?
Francine: I wouldn't dream of it.

Amanda: Oh, that's all right. Look, how often does a suburban lady like me get to drink vodka with the KGB and eat beans on Christmas.

Remembrance Of Things Past [1.11][edit]

Amanda: Yes. I mean, I know I can't punch, but look, if anybody tried to attack you, I could confuse them to death. You know I can do that.
Lee: Oh, that I do. And believe me, when I need a blackbelt confuser, I will call you.

Lee: Look, are you going to be taking me to dinner every night? I mean, what kind of agent can I be when there's somebody with me all the time?
Billy: A live one.

Amanda: The hardest part about this work is the feelings. Lee said not to get involved. He was right about that.
Lee: I never thought I'd live to hear you say that. Actually, I didn't live to hear it. Not officially, of course.
Amanda: You're alive? You're alive and standing right here in my family room? Oh, you are! Oh, you are! Oh, I'm so angry with you!
Lee: What, for being alive?

Lee: Look, Amanda, no one I know would ever look for me here and everyone you know is out of town. So if you could just get past the psychological barrier of having me around, everything would be great! So where do you want me to put my things? Hmm? [He walks away. Amanda stands there.]
Amanda: Guatemala.

Lee: A hundred dollars.
Amanda: Well, how am I supposed to know what the current bribery rates are? A hundred dollars seemed fair to me.
Lee: In this neighborhood, you can rent a city block for that.
Amanda: Ooh, renting a room with no luggage. Can you imagine what that desk clerk must think?

Lee: Amanda, get in the bed.
Amanda: What?!
Lee: Just do it, will ya?
Clerk: What's going on in there? Open up! What's all the ruckus in here?
Amanda: Ruckus?
Clerk: Yeah, there's screaming and pounding and yelling. Eddie the alcoholic says it sounds like World War Three.
Lee: Hey, now look, man. Me and the chick here paid for some privacy and we expect it, so beat it, huh? You tell Eddie the alcoholic to put in his earplugs if he don't like it.
Amanda: Yeah.
Clerk: Look. I run a nice, clean joint here. You got five minutes to clear out or I call the cops!
Amanda: Do you know what it must take to offend that man's sense of decency? I'm so glad that I was the one to do it.

Billy: Assuming, of course, that the man who climbed in the window was the killer and not some maniac prowler.
Amanda: Killers, maniac prowlers. You know, before I came to work for you people, the worst person in my life was a grumpy milkman.

Francine: Billy, these are the...
Amanda: Oh.
Francine: Amanda. You're here. Well, I was under the impression that you only worked with us in connection with Lee.
Amanda: Uh, well, I was very upset and, uh, Billy was trying to console me.
Billy: Buck up, Mrs. King.
Amanda: Yes. Thank you, that... that helps. I'd better go now.

Lee: I'm sick of being dead. I miss my apartment, I miss restaurants, I miss nightclubs.
Amanda: This is probably very healthy for you. No, really. Real people do not go to restaurants and nightclubs every night, they stay home and make hamburgers and watch television.
Lee: Amanda. Are you going to try to make me into a real person again?
Amanda: No. But the exposure certainly couldn't do you any harm.

Lost And Found [1.12][edit]

Dotty: Well, Amanda, I knew it would happen.
Amanda: What?
Dotty: My hula skirt rotted.
Amanda: I'm sorry, Mother.
Dotty: I have nothing now to show for my one and only trip to Hawaii. I wish your father had not dropped the camera out of the war canoe.

Dotty: Ah. Well, your poppyseed cake is your Sistine Chapel, Amanda, no one can top it.

I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been... A Spy [1.13][edit]

Lee: Hi, there.
Amanda: You again How dare you break in here.
Lee: Hold it. I didn't break in here, I walked in here. You know, you should be a little more careful about...
Amanda: Listen, you can just get out. Out!
Lee: Amanda, I have to talk to you.
Amanda: What are you, a salesman?
Lee: No! Amanda, you know me, you just can't remember. You have amnesia.
Amanda: How do you know I have amnesia?
Lee: I know a lot of things about you. Now, please, sit down and I will tell you all about yourself before your mother gets back.
Amanda: Why does it have to be before my mother gets back?
Lee: Because no one is supposed to know that you know me. It may make things very difficult for you.
Amanda: Who are you?
Lee: Lee Stetson.
Amanda: What are you?
Lee: Amanda, I work for the government. I'm an intelligence operative.
Amanda: Are you telling me that you're a spy?
Lee: I've never cared for that word, really.
Amanda: Oh, my gosh.
Lee: Now, please. Just relax and sit down?
Amanda: You're a spy!
Lee: Guess what.
Amanda: What?
Lee: You are, too.'
Amanda: Oh, my gosh!

Lee: Billy, her brain has gone . . . blooey, zippo, casa de nada.

Billy: Mrs. King?
Amanda: Hello. Do you work here?
Billy: Oh, boy.
Lee: Uh, this is Billy Melrose, our section chief. And, uh, Francine. Do you remember Francine?
Amanda: How do you do? No.
Francine: That's interesting. I've often been told I'm unforgettable.

Lee: Amanda.
Amanda: Hm?
Lee: Are you absolutely sure you don't remember anything about me?
Amanda: Yes. The doctor said that I might forget certain things that were emotionally complicated. Now, I can understand how I might forget the crash, but I don't know what could be so emotionally complicated about you that would make me not. . . .
Lee: Well, we have worked fairly closely together, you know.
Amanda: How closely?

Lee: Maybe we could retrain her.
Billy: Lee, I'm surprised to hear you talk like this. Usually you're complaining because you have to work with her.
Lee: I can adapt to almost anything.
Billy: The Agency appreciates your sacrifice.

Amanda: Oh, my mother! What am I going to tell my mother?
Lee: Ah, this is a tough one.
Amanda: I just disappeared in the middle of the afternoon, she never got my note, this is the worst!
Lee: What if you told her that you suddenly remembered an appointment?
Amanda: I had amnesia!

Dead Ringer [1.14][edit]

Amanda: Mother, what is Dengue fever?
Dotty: Oh, my God. Is that going around? I thought I was just getting a little head cold.

Amanda: How did you find us?
Lee: Well, I saw somebody try to drive a station wagon through a swamp.

Amanda: You know, this is my first real embassy party.
Lee: Well, that's why Billy had me use you in this operation. You're unknown on Embassy Row.
Amanda: Well, you know, I have been to a couple of teas - and maybe a reception or two but never anything like this - If I'd known, I would have borrowed a better dress.
Lee: Amanda, you're a messenger.
Amanda: Oh, well, that's not exactly the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Billy: Tell her I'm from the phone company.
Amanda: Sir. I'm not lying to her anymore.
Billy: Tell her I said I'm from the phone company,

The Mole [1.15][edit]

Jamie: Hurry up, Phillip bats clean-up.
Dotty: Clean-up. They have you batting according to cleanliness and neatness. It's nice.

Blue Leader: Scarecrow, this is Blue Leader.
Lee: Yes, sir.
Amanda: Where? Where is Blue Leader?
Lee: Shh.

Lee: I have to do everything. Leave my coffee, drive the car, get shot.

Savior [1.16][edit]

Amanda: Um, Rosemary? Not Rosemary. Sounds like Rosemary. Mrs. Marsten, could you give me a little hint? No, of course you couldn't. Um. . . . Rosebud! Rosebud. Rosebud, of course.
Mrs. Marsten: Have a nice day, Mrs. King.

Billy: Yeah. Poor Fred. What about you, Amanda? When did you actually find out about the bomb?
Amanda: Oh. Just before it didn't go off.

The Artful Dodger [1.17][edit]

Francine: Ooh, Amanda, dear, is that why you're busy tonight? Very busy, apparently, hmm?
Lee: Amanda, do you know what that is?
'Amanda: Yes, it's a, um, it's a friendship ring.
Lee: No, it's a Concubine ring.
Amanda: No, it isn't, it's a friendship ring.
Lee: It's a Concubine ring, there's a whole collection of them in the Topkapi Museum, I know that for a fact.
Amanda: Yes, I know that, I know that. I know that. It's a friendship ring. It was given to me by a friend, and therefore it is . . . simply . . . a friendship ring.
Francine: Okay. Sure. Friendship.

Billy: Nobody's blaming you, Amanda. The Dodger's a very sharp operator. How did he arrange to meet you?
Amanda: He didn't. I mean, I don't think he did. His car stalled behind mine when I was shopping
Lee: I don't believe this. I don't believe it.
Amanda: Well, anyway, so we got out and we were talking while we waited for the car club and he seemed nice and friendly and...
Lee: Oh, yeah, and he picked you up.
Amanda: He did not pick me up!
Billy: He did not give you a phone number?
Amanda: No, he didn't give me a phone number, he always called me.
Lee: And that didn't tip you off? Oh, come on, Amanda, married guys and weirdos. They don't give you phone numbers.

Amanda: Would you like a straw?
Lee: Uh, no. No, a straw wouldn't look right with soup.

Filming Raul [1.18][edit]

Francine: It's funny, I never knew that coat made me look so --
Amanda: Big. Oh, it doesn't.

Lee: Hey, come on, Amanda, look. You're going to be all right. You're protected by the best there is in the business.
Amanda: I don't want the best there is, I want you.
Lee: Oh.
Amanda: I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way that I meant it.
Lee: Oh, thanks a lot.

Fearless Dotty [1.19][edit]

Francine: What happened to you?
Amanda: I was mugged.
Lee: You were what?!
Amanda: I was mugged. In the middle of the street, broad daylight.
Lee: That's terrible!
Francine: That's funny. You know, the same thing happened to me just last week. I was outside the airport making a surveillance pass and all of a sudden I felt this big arm lock around my neck from behind.
Amanda: What did you do?
Francine: Oh, I spiked his instep with my heel, thumbed his eyesockets, pressed my forearm against his larynx, and then brought up my knee in a lifting motion.
Amanda: I just screamed.
Francine: Hm. So did he.

Dotty: You can't be too cavalier about knees and elbows. They are very tricky propositions.

Dotty: Amanda, I don't know why you work for a company that won't give you office space. I mean you're never going to meet anyone working at home.
Amanda: Mother, I don't want to meet anyone right now.
Dotty: Amanda, that doesn't make sense. How can you not want to meet someone you've never even seen?

Weekend [1.20][edit]

Lee: What are you looking for?
Amanda: My room.
Lee: This is your room.
Amanda: Then where is your room?
Lee: It's also my room. It's our room.
Amanda: Oh no

Waiting For Godorsky [1.21][edit]

Season 2[edit]

To Catch A Mongoose [2.01][edit]

Lee: Are you okay?
Amanda: Yes, I’ve never seen Trafalgar Square before, it’d help if I could move around a bit.
Lee: If you move around he could kill you.
Amanda: Well there’s a lot to see from here too.
Amanda: Oh, thank heavens -- you're okay!
Lee: I will be when you get off my arm.

Amanda: So it’s called good guy/bad guy?
Lee: Right, one guy questions the suspect meanwhile the other guy plays nice as a buffer to the mean guy.
Amanda: Which side is the good guy on?
Lee: The bad guys.
Amanda: But he’s really good?
Lee: Right.
Amanda: Then who’s really bad?
Lee: The bad guy – ah the suspect, got it?
Amanda: Sure but it’s too complicated, I think maybe I should just talk to Conrad he always used to confide in me, he even told me once that he wears his undershorts inside out so that the seams wouldn’t scratch him.
Lee: Hmm well – underwear is not on the schedule today could we please try to stick to the proven technique?
Amanda: Right good guy/bad guy – Ah Lee, it makes me feel just awful when I have to shout at the boys so I think I should probably be the good guy and if you don’t mind you should be the bad guy
Lee: Good Idea.

Amanda: Ok what’s the matter? That’s as good a good guy as I can be.
Lee: Mother Theresa was never that good.

Amanda: I think we should both be the good guy.
Lee: Oh come on there’s no such thing as good guy/good guyǃ

The Times They Are a Changin' [2.02][edit]

Dotty: Amanda, you know I counted every little coffee bean in that coffee can and do you know what your lucky number is?
Amanda: No what is it?
Dotty: One thousand, six hundred and thirty eight.
Amanda: Oh gee, I always kinda hoped my lucky number would be seven

(Lee and Amanda are tied together in a chair)

Amanda: She must be worried sick, I didn’t come home all last night.
Lee: Yeah I know that.
Amanda: I didn’t even call.
Lee: Tell her you were tied up.

Dotty: You’re a big girl, you don’t owe me any explanations.
Amanda: Thank you Mother.
Dotty: You could have called.
Amanda: I should have.
Dotty: Yeah but you didn’t.
Amanda: I was tied up.

Double Agent [2.03][edit]

Amanda: Lee, I want you to know that I’m not at all worried because I know that you’re a highly trained professional agent and I’m sure you have some kind of plan to get us out of here... don’t you?
Lee: Not at the moment.
Amanda: No plan?
Lee: No.
Amanda: I’m very sorry to hear that.

Lee: If worse comes to worse we’ll give you a new identity and move you to a new part of the country.
Amanda: Oh no! Not in the middle of the school year.

The Legend of Das Geisterschloss [2.04][edit]

Amanda: I think I’ve figured out what Mrs Farnsworth was trying to tell me, I mean tell you... tell you through me
Lee: It scares me to admit it, but I think I followed that.

Amanda: I think that’s what Mrs Farnsworth was doing, I think she’s hidden something in every sketch and in this one I think is a … jackhammer.
Lee: A jackhammer?
Amanda: Maybe it’s not a jackhammer, it could be a lawnmower.

Lee: He’s lying.
Amanda: Sure was it’s pretty obvious, wasn’t it?
Lee: Oh, you noticed the nervous hand movements, the avoidance of eye contact, the slightly higher pitched voice?
Amanda: No, I just noticed this is the first time he didn’t know every little thing about Saltzburg.

Charity Begins at Home [2.05][edit]

Amanda: You do understand what I’m saying don’t you Mr Melrose?
Billy: I understand you nearly all the time Amanda, it bothers me a little but I do understand.

Brunettes Are In [2.06][edit]

Our Man in Tegernsee [2.07][edit]

Harry: Hey this definitely calls for a drink.
Lee: Oh no, no it’s a little early.
Harry: Hey, would you lose all respect for me if I said it was five o’clock somewhere?
Lee: What are you talking about man I never had any respect for you anyway.

Amanda: Look Lee, I know you're upset but you had to tell them who we are, I mean you can’t have the police think that we are just tourists that go around and shoot people.

Lee: Hey, whoever promised you fair?
Amanda: Nobody. I just keep expecting it.

Amanda: The only German word I know is Edelweiss.
Lee: Okay, okay.
Amanda: And I learned that from The Sound of Music. I saw it seven times.

An Affair at Bromfield Hall [2.08][edit]

Amanda: A sex scandal?
Lee: Forget it ok it’s not your fault, I mean nobody who knows you is going to believe you’re in the middle of a sex scandal, all you have to do is take one look to know it’s ridiculous.
Amanda: Why?
Lee: Why what?
Amanda: Why is it ridiculous?
Lee: Amanda.
Amanda: Just because it isn’t true doesn’t make it ridiculous.
Lee: Look why are we having this ridiculous conversation?
Amanda: I think we’re having this ridiculous conversation because you said it was ridiculous...
Lee: Alright, alright... you’re sleeping with Lord Bromfield, how’s that?
Amanda: Ridiculous.

A Class Act [2.09][edit]

Billy: No more discussions Scarecrow your going and that’s final.
Lee: But Billy, I was scheduled for a vacation, I’m going to the Riviera.
Billy: It’s only for a week, France will be there when you get done.
Lee: Ok, ok I wanted this to be a surprise but, now you know how you have been on me about my field reports being behind, well I was going to use this time to bring them up to date.
Billy: On the beach at Nice, or in a casino in Monte Carlo?

Francine: Alright this should be a very important lesson for each and every one of you in order to survive in this business one should always expect the unexpected. If this had been a real assault Mrs King you would be dead right now.
Amanda: Well, I guess you learn something new every day.

Amanda: This is exciting isn’t it, you and me a team?
Lee: Yeah, Laurel and Hardy never had it so good.

Amanda: Ah, what am I doing wrong?
Lee: Almost everything.

Playing Possum [2.10][edit]

The Three Faces of Emily [2.11][edit]

Amanda: How about telling me what you’re doing here?
Lee: I need you.
Amanda: You need me?
Lee: I need you, I came to ask you out.
Amanda: You mean on...?
Lee: A date? Yeah well sort of.
Amanda: Oh sort of, you mean it’s business, it’s not you know pleasure?
Lee: No, now that’s where your wrong it’s pleasure, for you it will be pleasure, for me...I may have to work just a little bit, but for you it’s just straight out pleasure.
Amanda: Oh, well if it’s gonna be such a lot of fun why don’t you just take the girl that your seeing now, who is it, Margo? She’s the current one isn’t she?
Lee: Margo and I aren’t seeing each other any more.
Amanda: Oh well, you do go through them.

Ship of Spies [2.12][edit]

Lee: What are your plans for the next few days?
Amanda: You mean this weekend?
Lee: This weekend, maybe a little longer.
Amanda: Ah Mother and I have some shopping to do.
Lee: You can do that anytime.
Amanda: No, no we really can’t because Mother needs to get a new coat, there’s a sale and she has to buy a coat. And there’s my friend Cindy Holcombe from college, I haven’t seen her in ten years and she’s gonna be in town and we’re gonna have lunch on Saturday.
Lee: Ten years?
Amanda: Yeah, yeah ten years, but we write every Christmas and she’s gonna bring pictures of her little girl this time.
Lee: Hmm I can see why you wouldn’t want to miss that, a Cruise ship isn’t in the same league.
Amanda: A cruise ship?
Lee: Yeah.
Amanda: She’s gonna be here a couple weeks.
Lee: A luxury liner, I need somebody as part of my cover on a trip to the Caribbean.
Amanda: Well you know she actually said next weekend would be better for her than this weekend.
Lee: Calypso bands, warm tropical breezes.
Amanda: Lee, do you really need me?
Lee: I need you.
Amanda: Well then that’s it, I’m there.

Lee: That’s why you’re here it’s part of my cover, we have to be engaged because it’s a special cruise.
Amanda: What kind of a special cruise?
Lee: Ah it’s a wedding cruise, nothing but engaged couples so in two days we dock in St Angelo in the Caribbean.
Amanda: Yeah?
Lee: And we all get married.
Amanda: That’s asking too much.

Miles: How long have you been engaged?
Lee: Three Months.
Amanda: Six Months.
Lee: Ah officially three months, I asked her six months ago...
Amanda: It took me a little while to make up my mind.
Gillian: You mean you nearly gave a catch like him a chance to throw the hook?
Amanda: Well... he was pretty firmly hooked.

Lee: Ah Amanda, I know what you thinking but … ta da... adjoining rooms
Amanda: Hmm.
Lee: That’s not what you’re thinking?
Amanda: No it isn’t, it really isn’t, what I was thinking was that you had plenty of time to tell me all the details about our assignment. You could have told me in the supermarket, you could have told me in the car on the way to the airport, you could have even told me in the airplane.
Lee: Alright maybe I should have said something.
Amanda: Maybe you should have said something? Lee, on a need to know basis, I think maybe this time I had a need to knowǃ

Amanda: Oh, well, how can I get into any trouble walking around the deck?
Lee: If anyone can manage it, you can.

Spiderweb [2.13][edit]

Lee: Now where were you between November of ’82 and mid January of ’83?
Amanda: Are you Perry Mason? Am I supposed to crack under the pressure, or something?

Amanda: Why would anybody try to dirty up my records?
Francine: Because you're perfect Amanda, the textbook tells us that in situations like this it’s always someone obscure.
Amanda: Someone obscure?
Francine: Yes Amanda and that’s you, dealing with unimportant information, always there but not really doing very much, pleasant, unassuming, easy to overlook, loyal, faithful.
Amanda: Like your dog... if you had one.
Lee: Amanda, come on she didn’t mean it that way.
Francine: No, no what I meant was she’s just one of those little people that one hardly ever notices, you know, like waiters or servants.
Billy: Francine, if you're through making her into a piece of the office furniture, may we please get back to the business at hand?

A Little Sex, a Little Scandal [2.14][edit]

Lee: (undercover as a pest controller) Are you the lady who called about the ants?
Amanda: Ants?
Mrs Woodrow: Ants?
Amanda: Lee, I’m being judged.
Lee: For what?
Mrs Woodrow: Did you say ants?
Lee: Yes maam, you got em, we get em, they’re usually in the kitchen, it’s those crumbs, vacuuming helps, have you got a vacuum?
Francine: Yes of course I’ve got a vacuum, what I don’t have is antsǃ

Francine: Oh, oh I’m glad I caught you.
Lee: Caught me, you almost tackled me.
Francine: Yeah, wishful thinking.

A Relative Situation [2.15][edit]

Life of the Party [2.16][edit]

Lee: I’m really very sorry Amanda, I know I’m not being very much fun tonight.
Amanda: Oh that’s alright Lee, we never have much fun.

Francine: You know what that slave driver Mrs Flannigan wants me to do later on?
Amanda: No.
Francine: Clean the kitchen.
Amanda: No problem.
Francine: Oh no problem that’s easy for you to say. Amanda I am an expert in hand to hand combat, small arms weaponry, wealthy men between thirty and forty, but definitely not a kitchen person.

Odds on a Dead Pigeon [2.17][edit]

Amanda: How did you know it was me?
Lee: Who else do I know whose last words would be ‘oh my gosh’?

Car Wars [2.18][edit]

D.O.A.: Delirious on Arrival [2.19][edit]

Amanda: Drop it or I’ll splatter you all over the stage.
Retzig: You irritate me Mrs King perhaps you should die first.
Amanda: Dog meatǃ

Lee: It’s alright partner, you won’t be needing that anymore.
Amanda: Good work Scarecrow, Bill will be pleased lets get this dirtbag down to the station.
Lee: Yes Ma'am.

You Only Die Twice [2.20][edit]

Lee: It was just a tiny computer error that’s all it was, now it could have been worse, the obituary could have been for real.
Amanda: Yeah well look as far as all my friends are concerned it is real, do you know how many people called my Mother this morning and sent flowers?
Lee: Well at least you know you were well liked.
Amanda: I knew I was well liked before this happened.

Amanda: Sir, am I back among the living
Francine: Define living

Burn Out [2.21][edit]

Murder Between Friends [2.22][edit]

Billy: Amanda, were you killed?
Amanda: Oh no Sir.
Billy: Good work.

Dotty: Amanda I have to tell you something, I never liked the idea of you working for IFF, I mean they should have moved you up, given you something challenging to do, I think you're gonna find this new job much more exciting.
Amanda: Oh I hope not.

Amanda: I was arrested.
Dotty: Arrested, what on earth for?
Amanda: Murder.
Dotty: Oh don’t be ridiculousǃ
Amanda: Mother, they found my fingerprints on the murder weapon.
Dotty: How?
Amanda: I was at his house.
Dotty: Whose house?
Amanda: My boss.
Dotty: You mean your boss was murdered your first day on the job?
Amanda: Yes Mother, I feel terrible about it.

Dotty: Amanda, they could blame youǃ
Amanda: Mother they do blame me that’s why I was in jail.

Vigilante Mothers [2.23][edit]

Lee: Amanda, is that house at the end of your street still up for rent?
Amanda: You mean the Cooperman house? I think so why?
Lee: Well I know someone who wants to rent it for awhile.
Amanda: Who?
Lee: Me, I want to get closer to someone who lives there.
Amanda: Oh, we could go to dinner you don’t have to move in down the street.

Lee: Aaaahhh!
Amanda: Hi.
Lee: Amanda, what the...? You just about scared the hell out of me.
Amanda: Oh, I’m sorry. Now you know what it feels like.

Season 3[edit]

A Lovely Little Affair [3.01][edit]

Faber: Just a minute, Mr. Stetson. There's a little matter of ladies underwear.
Lee: Look, lady, a good friend of mine is rubbing elbows with some of the most blood thirsty terrorists in the world, and she doesn't know it. I'll have to get back to you on that underwear problem...

Lee: A professional trained agent plans every detail, every nuance – the word accident does not enter into their vocabulary.
Amanda: Well heaven forbid one tiny little compliment should escape your lips.
Lee: I’m just trying to point out it takes technique.
Amanda: Oh?
Lee: Look for instance, I’m sitting right here on this park bench now your assignment is to make a casual and natural contact, establish a relationship with me and then get me to ask you to the Kennedy tonight for a Verdi festival.
Amanda: How am I supposed to do that?
Lee: Look you sit and I’ll show you – hey toots.
Amanda: Ugh.
Lee: How ya doin? – heard any good opera lately?
Amanda: No I can’t say that I have.
Lee: Then what do you say that we hit the Kennedy for a little Verdi?
Amanda: Sorry I’m busy.
Lee: Gee that’s too bad, these were for tonight.
Amanda: Are those real?
Lee: About 8?
Amanda: I’d love to.
Lee: See how easy that was?

We're Off to See the Wizard [3.02][edit]

Amanda: Hello Mother, language tape, Russian, I always wanted to learn a second language.
Dotty: Well that’s wonderful.
Amanda: Yeah.
Dotty: Why Russian?
Amanda: Oh caviar...
Dotty: What did you just say?
Amanda: The pregnant sow has lost her piglets.
Dotty: Ah well that’s very interesting... where are you going to use that?
Amanda: On a farm... a Russian farm.

Dotty: What are you doing out here?
Amanda: Oh I’m just out here practicing my Russian Mother, you know the warthog wants more Caviar... it’s a very important phrase though no one understands why.
Dotty: That’s probably the reason why our two countries don’t get along.

Francine: Oh. Alright. Okay. So that’s fine. Here’s what we’ll do. You give us your black book, we’ll divide it up and just start dialing.
Amanda: Right.
Lee: Books.
Amanda: Books?
Lee: I have four of them.
Francine: I should have known.

Over the Limit [3.03][edit]

(Amanda is practicing on the shooting range)

Leatherneck: You're dead again.
Amanda: I know I’m sorry.
Leatherneck: For Pete's sake at least fire the weapon Mrs. King, it’s the only way to shut this thing off... Nice, look you just got the agencies all time low ball score, see the object of the thing is to fire your weapon at your adversary not the ceiling... the ceiling’s on our side.

Tail of the Dancing Weasel [3.04][edit]

Billy: It’s all yours.
Lee: Oh no, no.
Amanda: What’s the matter?
Lee: He thinks he’s going to give me this Q Bureau for keeps.
Amanda: Well that’s wonderful.
Lee: No it’s not it’s just more work.
Billy: Now here’s the combination to the vault, it’s really a shambles in there we’ll get all the locks changed and this button is the silent alarm.
Lee: Now I know why they issued us cyanide capsules, you make me do this and I’ll use mine.
Billy: Feel free, Amanda if he lives help him straighten things out.

Welcome to America, Mr. Brand [3.05][edit]

Sour Grapes [3.06][edit]

Utopia Now [3.07][edit]

Amanda: Hello there.
Lee: Hi.
Amanda: Well thanks for the picnic, you really know how to give a girl a good time.
Lee: Well you make a pretty mean chicken sandwich.
Amanda: Oh my BLT’s even better.
Lee: Oh toasted wheat, crisp bacon, a touch of mayo.
Amanda: Just a touch.
Lee: Sounds perfect.
Amanda: Lee – about last night.
Lee: I know, I know it was just two cold people seeking a little warmth – right.
Amanda: Not exactly...

Reach for the Sky [3.08][edit]

Amanda: Where is Mr Melrose?
Francine: That is on a need to know basis.
Amanda: I need to know.
Francine: Well I don’t need to tell you.

Amanda: You know this is what always happens.
Lee: What?
Amanda: I always have to go back to the Agency.
Lee: We’ve got to divide the work.
Amanda: I agree with you let’s divide the work load, you follow the paper trail and I’ll follow Zorbel.
Lee: You think you can break into Zorbel’s place?
Amanda: No.
Lee: Well?
Amanda: Call me a cab.
Lee: You’re a cab.
Amanda: Thank you

J. Edgar's Ghost [3.09][edit]

Francine: Well you’d better get hazardous duty pay Amanda, because M street is kind of a combination of ah…tag team wrestling and full contact karate.
Amanda: Do you know that first hand? – I’m just kidding Francine, I’m sorry I never should have opened my mouth, I know you’ll get me back.
Francine: You’re right.
Amanda: I really am sorry… I couldn’t help it.

Flight to Freedom [3.10][edit]

The Wrong Way Home [3.11][edit]

Amanda: Oh.
Lee: What?
Amanda: Well some of this stuff is a little misleading you know, it’s the legal talk, I mean it says I’m resistant to change and that can’t be me, I was never a stubborn person, I’m just not a stubborn person.
Lee: Well you sure know how to get what you want.
Amanda: Lee – I’m not stubborn am I? Ok I’m a little stubborn.

Fast Food for Thought [3.12][edit]

Amanda: You know now there are a few things that we probably ought talk about before we get checked in. You know I know we don’t have any problems now but we’re out here in the parking lot in the middle of the day and we wouldn’t want to have any problems later so if we could just get a few things straight now...
Lee: Amanda this really isn’t necessary...
Amanda: I know it isn’t but just indulge me ok?
Lee: Oh alright.
Amanda: Well alright in the first place I like to take my shower first thing in the morning, now I know that there’s some men who like to go into the bathroom and they lock the door and they go in with the newspaper and the shave and they read the paper and I don’t know what they do in there but they take over an hour – and I just hope your not one of those kind of guys, you know? But anyway even if you are maybe we can figure out some sort of a compromise that’s comfortable for both of us. Now the other thing is when I sleep at night I like to leave the window cracked just about this much, just enough for a little fresh air, now I hope that’ll be alright with you if it won’t I’ll crack it just about that much...
Lee: Amanda.
Amanda: Yeah?
Lee: We’re registered as brother and sister.
Amanda: You and me?
Lee: Yes we’ve got our own room, bathroom, bedroom the whole works.
Amanda: Well that’ll make things much easier.
Lee: Yeah.
Amanda: We don’t look a thing alike.

Francine: Oh well isn’t this a cozy little place you to have here.
Amanda: My room's down the hall Francine.
Francine: Oh, well, how times have changed Scarecrow.

Lee: Let me walk you to your room.
Amanda: Across the hall?
Lee: Well yeah – you can’t be to careful you know?
Amanda: That’s good thinking.
Lee: Hmm second nature, field experience.
Amanda: What kind of field experience?
Lee: You know.
Amanda: Not necessarily.

One Bear Dances, One Bear Doesn't [3.13][edit]

Playing for Keeps [3.14][edit]

The Pharoah's Engineer [3.15][edit]

The Truimvirate [3.16][edit]

The Eyes Have It [3.17][edit]

Lee: You know how I am about reading the small print.
Amanda: Oh, speaking of small print here’s some that I don’t think you’ve read at all yet. It’s your prescription from Dr Scardelli.
Lee: What?
Amanda: Hmmm.
Lee: Bed rest and total relaxation for five days, hey look I’m fine, I’ve got a thousand things to do around here I can’t...
Billy: I second that prescription Scarecrow and that’s an order, Mrs King I have an assignment for you.
Amanda: Yes sir, what is it?
Billy: Him, I’m giving you a temporary AOS16 status, so that he will get that rest.
Amanda: Yes sir, I won’t let you down.
Lee: AOS16?
Amanda: Higher than you, that’s right.
Lee: One level higher.
Amanda: Step right this way please.

Wrong Number [3.18][edit]

The Boy Who Could Be King [3.19][edit]

Dead Men Leave No Trails [3.20][edit]

Three Little Spies [3.21][edit]

All the World's a Stage [3.22][edit]

Season 4[edit]

Stemwinder 1 [4.01][edit]

Francine: I thought Dr. Smyth was going to get off his rump for once and stop it.
Dr. Smyth: I got off my rump. Fat lot of good it did. Hi, guys...

Dr. Smyth: Sweat the housewife... and bring me Stetson's beating heart. Kay?
Dr. Smyth: Hot confetti!

Amanda: Lee, we have to stop playing this telephone tag it isn’t getting us anywhere.
Lee: Save it Amanda, I’ve got about 20 seconds before they lock onto this line and track it, you’ve got to go home.
Amanda: Go home? What are you gonna do?
Lee: I’m trying to find Sonia, the Agency’s crawling all over her apartment, she won’t go back there anyway.
Amanda: Let me help you.
Lee: No all you can do now is lead them to me, now we know it is Alexi you are in danger. You’ve got to go home, take the long way, use up their manpower, but don’t lose them, they’re your security blanket, you got it? I need time to play one more card, be careful… I love you.
Amanda: What?

Amanda: Now look ah, a man that I work with is having some problems, alright. Now his name is Stetson, Lee Stetson, you’ve talked to him on the phone before, Mother.
Dotty: Stedman, I thought his name was Stedman.
Amanda: No it’s Stetson, Mother… now anyway there may be some people who’ll come by to talk to us and they’ll be Federal agents, now they may want to ask us a few questions and ah well they think that Mr Stetson may have given away a few things that he shouldn’t have.
Jamie: What?
Amanda: Secrets, sweetheart.
Dotty: Amanda, aren’t you being just a little melodramatic?
Amanda: Mother I’m exhausted, I work for IFF, IFF works for the Government, the Government has secrets – ok?
Jamie: Like what kind of secrets?
Amanda: Nice try Sherlock, a secret's a secret.

Lee: Amanda, I meant what I said on the phone, I just want you to know that before I go. I love you, I have for a very, very long time. I just, I was just never ready to... you know?
Amanda: I know.
Dotty: (voice over from downstairs) I’m coming… Amanda I think those Federal Agents are here.
Lee: Now they’re going to be up here in a minute.
Amanda: Now wait a minute you can’t just walk into my life, hand me a package, tell me to give it to the man in the red hat, tell me that you love me and walk out of my life again.

Lee: Cute place do you come here often?
Amanda: At least it’s something.
Lee: It looks like a bad place to get surrounded in.
Amanda: Is there such a thing as a good place?

Stemwinder 2 [4.02][edit]

Lee: I'm American... I like ice.

Unfinished Business [4.03][edit]

Lee: Amanda, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to take the day off?
Amanda: Well you did, that was yesterday, not today.

Amanda: What did you just do?
Lee: Swiped a vial of Bromazepam
Amanda: Are you crazy! That stuff's experimental, it's got unpredictable side effects and it can turn your brain inside out like a wet paper bag!
Lee: That's why I need it.
Amanda: It's controlled!
Lee: I've been trained to use it.
Amanda: You stole it!
Lee: You helped me.
Amanda: Ooh, an unpleasant little detail!

Amanda: Lee can you hear me?
Lee: Mmm.
Amanda: Do you know who I am?
Lee: My Amanda.

No Thanks for the Memory [4.04][edit]

Amanda: Beeman called he wants me to check out that possible bogus passport the Finns called about, the man's in the hospital. It’s my first Class C interrogation.
Lee: Ah a Class C interrogation is a soft interrogation, lots of handholding, sweet talking, maybe we can make up for lost time by practicing on me.
Amanda: I don’t think you need any practice.

Lee: How about dinner tomorrow night at my place?
Amanda: You don’t have any food at your place.
Lee: Exactly.

Dotty: I know but there’s just something about the wild blue that is so… I don’t know so...
Amanda: Invigorating.
Dotty: That’s right and I aim, I just aim to conquer it.
Amanda: You aim to conquer Captain Kirk.

Lee: Think of this as a celebration for Zhmed being accepted for the defectors relocation project. I can only speak for myself when I say that we are long overdue for some celebrating around here, especially the type that includes only the two of us, so with that thought in mind some romantic candlelight, a little bubbly, a little romance. (he sees Amanda has fallen asleep on the chair) a very little romance
Amanda: I may be sleepy but I’m not dead.

It's in the Water [4.05][edit]

Lee: So what happened?
Amanda: I think I got to her.
Lee: And?
Amanda: She’s in love with Carmine.
Lee: So what?
Amanda: Well she’s not going to tell us where he is.
Lee: It’s amazing how a little romance can complicate things

Billy: Lee, how’d you do the last time you drew to an inside straight?
Lee: How’d you think I got my car?

Night Crawler [4.06][edit]

Lee: I want you to keep this thing quiet Leyland, I don’t want you to trot it out one night at your band society.
Leyland: You know the crypto motto, the riddle's the same, I can keep my trap shut.
Lee: Then how’d he spot Amanda, we were both supposed to be under contact zero?
Leyland: Perhaps the cats eye principle.
Lee: What?
Leyland: In the dark there’s light but you can’t see it until you see it in the cat's eye.
Lee: It’s like an obverse prism.
Leyland: Hmm... You have a stolidly literal head on your shoulders, don’t you, son? Think inside the puzzle like Adid Birol, he couldn’t see the light until he saw what the cat sees.
Lee: See what?
Leyland: When a woman is in love she sees with special eyes.
Lee: Yeah sure, sure she yelled out my name at the airport because it was the only way for her to save my life, now if Birol had us under surveillance he might have seen.
Leyland: There’s always a key.

Dotty: If you’re the termite man we can’t possibly afford what you must charge
Lee: No I’m Lee Stetson, Mrs. West, I work with Amanda.
Dotty: Oh yes, how are you... You look vaguely familiar.

Dotty: Uh hum... why is it that you said you came by?
Lee: I’m sorry I was just thinking.
Dotty: I was just staring, you have no idea how many times I have wondered about you
Lee: Well its mutual... Listen Amanda will be at least another day, she didn’t (the phone rings) ah she didn’t call did she?
Dotty: Well that might be her, she usually calls when she goes out of town, fact is she’s usually with you.

Billy: All right, Francine, they sifted through the ashes and you can relax; there’s no signs of human remains... And stand upǃ
Francine: Yes sir, that’s good news
Billy: The last of it - all my other news is bad.

Amanda: How are mother and the boys?
Lee: They don’t even know anything, Billy’s decision was to keep them out of it unless Birol went public or dragged on.
Amanda: Good.
Lee: I went to the house yesterday.
Amanda: You saw Mother?
Lee: Yeah it made me feel closer to you.

Lee: I’m buying us some time Amanda, I’m not gonna let him sell you to the Libyans.
Amanda: I’m not crazy about that part either.

Billy's Lost Weekend [4.07][edit]

Doctor: Cough
Billy: What?
Doctor: It’s a joke Melrose.
Lee: Hey Doc, how’s he doing?
Doctor: Lousy, he’s got no sense of humor.

Amanda: You don’t remember anything Sir?
Billy: Just a bunch of mixed up images, Bears...
Doctor: Bears, a symbol of courage and strength, what else, skeletal remains… personification of death, I think there’s something sexual there as well, I’ll look it up.

Photo Finish [4.08][edit]

Lee: What’s got you so pre-occupied?
Amanda: Oh, Security’s doing another special background on me. I’ve already passed one of those.
Lee: I know it’s an albatross hanging around the neck of every full time agent. They hit me every three or four years, the same old dirt… listen if you had any deep dark secrets I’d have found them by now.
Amanda: I don’t have any secrets.
Lee: Oh I can think of one or two.
Amanda: I’m late for class.

Lee: Shadow shock.
Amanda: Shadow shock?
Lee: Definitely Shadow shock.
Amanda: What’s Shadow shock?
Lee: Just the way Med students come down with every disease they study, new agents become suspicious of everyone and everything... you need a rest and a guy with a healthy sex drive.
Amanda: Not this weekend.

Lee: This is ridiculous, Amanda King burning flags, whipping up riots – c’mon give me a break will ya.
Amanda: When they give you a letter around here what colour is it – scarlet?

Francine: I must say it is a naughty little skeleton for the housewife of the year to have in her broom closet.

Lee: What are you gonna do just sit there?
Amanda: Yes, I’m gonna just sit here, I’ve got a visitors pass and that’s all I can do, is just sit here.

Amanda: It’s alright Lee, Mrs Frampton I went to talk to Mr Perry unofficially because I thought he could clear me, I take full responsibility.
Lee: More precisely, I ordered Mrs King to accompany me as backup, I take responsibility.
Amanda: No.
Billy: Hold it people, I take responsibility around here remember.

Beeman: Fine I still need an E15 requisition filled out in triplicate and signed by her superiors... she’s suspended, don’t you recall?
Lee: Thursday 10.15am you and Roxanne from accounting in the copier room, the lights off, your tie off and your shoes off.

Lee: In some circles I have what are referred to as magic fingers – in fact the same neck rub once prompted a member of a particular royal family into making me an indelicate offer.

The Man Who Died Twice [4.09][edit]

Lee: Ok, I’ll keep my feet on the ground but for now watch my rear huh?
Amanda: My pleasure.
Lee: Very funny.

Amanda: What’s that smell?
Jamie: Dinner and if you think it smells bad you should taste it.
Amanda: Oh my gosh, that looks delicious, who cooked?
Phillip: I did, I’ve got cooking third period at school.
Jamie: Yeah making dinner was on the final exam... he flunked.

Dr Smyth: Look I’m as fond of children as the next fellow… at holiday dinners of course… preferably at a separate table

Amanda: Sweetheart I think that was the best casserole surprise I’ve ever tasted.
Phillip: I think I left out some ingredients from last night.
Amanda: Well that just made it more of a surprise... how’d you like your brothers meal?
Jamie: It was a lot better than last night, I’m not dizzy yet.

Need to Know [4.10][edit]

Billy: Disturbing the peace, assault, destroying personal property, not to mention six municipal code violations… you’ve had quite a day.

Lee: Amanda, I’ve been thinking about what we were talking about earlier and I have decided... No secrets.
Amanda: Good plan, now you’re really on to something.
Lee: Who’s Jim Sironen? Um... Hilton Head 1976?
Amanda: I haven’t got a clue... Ah just wait... Um you know what? I think I’m developing a sort of selective memory or something.
Lee: Yeah, you know I had the same kind of memory with the Petrovich twins.
Amanda: I don’t know what a couple of tumblers from the Moscow Circus have to do with...
Lee: Jim Sironen?
Amanda: Who?
Lee: The Petrovich twins were a little tiny chapter in my past that I would have rather kept secret but no you had to read the report, remember?
Amanda: Ooh God, remember? I... Yes, yes I do remember... Yes I do remember, I’ve got to admit I do remember.
Lee: And since there were no little goodies in your past that usually come up in the line of duty I thought that the Jim Sironen file would make a fair trade.
Amanda: Kind of like trading baseball cards huh? I’ll give you two Mickey Mantles for a Whitey Ford.
Lee: Yeah, we’ll swap secrets you know? Tell everything... Lay it all on the line.
Amanda: I’ll go second.

Santa's Got a Brand New Bag [4.11][edit]

Amanda: Oh hello Sir, Merry Christmas.
Dr. Smith: Ditto King.
Amanda: Are you looking for the party?
Dr. Smith: I’m packing GC’s for the gang... Gift certificates King, point me in the right direction.
Amanda: Right down there in the bull pen Sir
Dr. Smith: Oh here (he gives her a gift certificate) pick up a bauble on me.
Amanda: Thank you sir (she kisses him on the cheek) Merry Christmas.
Dr. Smith: Don’t ever do that again.
Amanda: I won’t.
Dr. Smith: Peace on earth.

Bernie: Hiya Lee, thanks for coming.
Lee: Hi, this is for you (he hands Bernie a present, it’s a scarf)
Bernie: Thanks a lot, Oh boy.
Lee: Yeah you know, I figure everyone can use a scarf right?
Bernie: Yeah, I sure got a lot of use out of the one you gave me last year... And the year before that too.

Any Number Can Play [4.12][edit]

Dotty: Did you have a nice evening?
Amanda: Oh yeah, pretty quiet just me and my popcorn and my book.
Dotty: You know you’re a lot like I am you love to read a good dictionary.

Lee: Alright then what’s the standard procedure in a case like this?
Amanda: Standard procedure, well that would be to... Um assemble a personal profile through interviews and surveillance of locations frequented by the suspect
Lee: In this case the Kenlan Club, I will pick you up at 8 o’clock.
Amanda: You don’t have to do that.
Lee: Amanda, we’re talking about my future Mother-in-law right? And besides I might get lucky.

Dotty: Let me ask you a question.
Amanda: What is it?
Dotty: Why are you wearing that when you’re going to see a documentary on tractors?
Amanda: It’s the premiere.
Dotty: Oh I see... and a date with Lee Stetson?
Amanda: Good night Mother.

Dotty: On a scale of 1 to 10 he’s an 11 and she doesn’t want to date him... My daughters crazy.

Dotty: How was the film?
Amanda: There was no film Mother.
Dotty: Cancelled from lack of interest?

Dotty: Sugar, Mr Stetson?
Amanda: Cream... oh I know that from work.

Promises to Keep [4.13][edit]

Amanda: TP he’s a drug dealer and you're working for him.
TP: I know it sounds bad.
Amanda: It sounds terribleǃ

Lee: I’m in kind of a hurry Francine.
Francine: Well this won’t take long, come here. I have just one word to say to you 'stop it'.
Lee: That’s two words but why quibble.

Rumors of My Death [4.14][edit]

Bad Timing [4.15][edit]

Lee: You need me, your place or mine?
Amanda: Neither.
Lee: Well wait a minute, I’ve got a very important meeting.
Amanda: What ever happened to your place or mine?

Billy: Amanda was in my office at 7 o’clock this morning.
Lee: Oh Billy you know the way she is?
Billy: She was worried about you, yeah I’m beginning to get the drift.

Lee: Someone once said that a good relationship is like a bottle of wine, the older it gets the better it is.
Amanda: Well that’s very wise who said that?
Lee: Me.

Amanda: Your turning into a pretty efficient team you two. I’m glad I thought of putting you together.
Lee: Well that’s why they pay you the big bucks.

Do You Take This Spy? [4.16][edit]

Francine: Oh boy, that’s tough luck huh, you’ve got your vacation all set and then here you are up to your hind end in big time crime. I suppose Amanda could go out there first and you could go later, I mean you’re not inseparable are you?

Lee: Now wait a minute that off assignment mode is our vacation time, Billy.
Billy: Our vacation? I’m sure that was a co-incidence or is there something you want to tell me?

Lee: Well I don’t want to stay calm, because the man is totally screwing up our wedding plans.
Amanda: Your right there’s absolutely no reason to stay calm.

Mission of Gold [4.17][edit]

One Flew East [4.18][edit]

Dotty: Jamie didn’t finish his lunch again today.
Amanda: Really? Gee I wonder if he’s alright, you think I should take him to Doctor Watkins for a check-up.
Dotty: I have a hunch that Doctor Watkins cannot cure what’s ailing him. I think its Lee Stetson.
Amanda: Mother they get on really well.
Dotty: Hmm… well Phillip adores him but I don’t know about Jamie, do you remember Mrs Truesdale’s youngest son? How he reacted when she fell in love?
Amanda: Yeah, he was pretty jealous.
Dotty: Uh-huh I rest my case.

All That Glitters [4.19][edit]

Lee: Well I’ll tell you what I would like.
Amanda: What?
Dr. Smith: We’re all ears, Scarecrow.
Lee: Ahh… help.

Francine: Congratulations Lee.
Lee: On what?
Francine: Your new assignment, this memo just floated across Billy’s desk… Elissa Danton hmm. You are just the man for the job.
Lee: And a job is all it is Francine, purely professional, Ok.
Francine: Oh how times have changed, I seem to recall lots of stories about you and Elissa that kept many a boring DC cocktail party going. Oh my favorite one, you Elissa and that little French ballerina, how did you ever manage all of that in the back of an Italian sports car?
Lee: She was a Violinist it was a Limo and it wasn’t easy, I was in traction for a week.

Amanda: Hello stranger.
Lee: That’s too close to the truth to be funny.

Suitable for Framing [4.20][edit]

Francine: What more could we ask for?
Lee: A better story in case someone asks us what we were doing passing classified documents to a civilian.
Francine: Well I don’t know it worked out pretty good for you and Amanda.
Lee: Well Amanda’s one in a million.

Francine: Lee listen, I have thought this over and in my mind and I really don’t know what I could have done differently.
Lee: Probably nothing, what are you worried about, relax huh you probably got as lucky with this guy as I did with Amanda.
Francine: Oh no he’s not my type.

A Matter of Choice [4.21][edit]

Lee: Well you know what they say, everything comes out in the wash
Amanda: Oh speaking of the wash, something of yours came out in ours.
Lee: Oh no… not another sock. (she holds up a pair of underwear) I’d recognize them anywhere.

The Khrushchev List [4.22][edit]

Lee: I shouldn’t complain but our marriage is kind of like working for the fire department… two days on and four days off.

Lee: Look I’m sure there are a lot of things about me that bug you.
Amanda: No, well maybe something that comes to mind is that little noise when your drying your hair.
Lee: Well that little noise is singing.
Amanda: It’s very good.

Billy: Lee, whenever Jeanie and I bumped heads we’d both make lists about everything that bothered us, then we’d both calmly and rationally sit down and work through the list from top to bottom. It wasn’t easy but it worked, maybe you and Amanda should do the same thing.
Lee: Yeah maybe, thanks Billy.
Billy: You know a partnership is just like a marriage, you’d be getting practice for the real thing, you never know Scarecrow I mean stranger things have happened.

Lee: What are you doing?
Amanda: Writing you a note.
Lee: Amanda, I know writing that list was a very stupid thing to do. Everyone does silly little things that bother the other person.
Amanda: Do you have flowers behind you back?
Lee: No (he produces a list)
Amanda: More complaints?
Lee: No, it’s a list of all the things I love about you.
Amanda: Oh? It had better be a long list.


External links[edit]

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Scarecrow and Mrs. King at