[laughs] Yo, if y'all are watching this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. If I'm a prisoner or worse, dead. Anyhow, I'm gonna tell you the rules to survive this situation. Rule number 1: you gotta be quick. Rule number 2: DON'T fall down. And rule number 3: whatever you do, NEVER LOOK BACK! Y'all wish me luck... SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!
Okay, chopzilla, listen up, [holds up her thumb] This little piggy went to the market. [holds up her middle finger] This little piggy stayed home... [points at cameraman] And if this little piggy doesn't roll the goddamn camera, I'm gonna shove my foot up his fucking ass - [camera clicks on]
[reporting live while a student is in the background fooling around] Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book "You're Dead, I'm Rich". A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened. A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead... that's it! [pulls out a gun and shoots the student]... two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred.
A small dick's like a disability, man! Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair?! Huh? Where are you, you sick fuck?! I'll kick the shit outta you, all right?! It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!
Killer: [on the phone, looking at a porn magazine] I wanna see what your insides look like.
Drew: Well... well then, turn to page 54.
Killer: [flips page, then turns it over] Oh... hey, nice!
Drew: Listen asshole, you've had your fun and you better stop or else!
Killer: Or else what?
Drew: Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute, and he's black and he'll kick your ass!
Killer: Oh, really?
Killer: You mean the one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman?
Drew: How'd you know?
Killer: Turn on the patio lights. [man dressed like Prince is tied up.]
Man: Help! Help!
Drew: That's not my boyfriend! I mean, I fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.
Cindy's Dad: What's going on in there? Ah, ow, ow, Daddy's head is stuck, unstick Daddy's head, ow...
Cindy: Dad, can you knock?
Cindy's Dad: Knock? I thought I heard screaming in here!
Cindy: No, no, you didn't, Dad.
Cindy's Dad: Oh, it must have been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess.
Cindy's Dad: Look, I gotta leave town for a couple days, okay? No big deal, it's just that you know, that new business that I started with those plumbing guys.
Cindy: Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar!
Cindy's Dad: Yeah, yeah, that's right. Well, there's a problem, some money went missing and apparently some legs are gonna get broken, eh, it's just better if I lay low for a couple days. Now, if the cops raid the place...
Cindy: I never heard of you.
Cindy's Dad: And don't forget...
Cindy: To flush your stash.
Cindy's Dad: Oh, you are my little girl, I love you so much. And I left you a little something in the coffee can.
Cindy's Dad: But, remember you have to step on it before you sell it. Now what are you gonna cut it with?
Cindy: Umm, baking...
Cindy's Dad: Baking soda, not baking powder. 'Cause baking powder guys will have muffins growing out of their noses.
Cindy: [giggles] Dad...
Cindy's Dad: You love that joke, honey. You've loved that joke since you were 2 years old. Okay, well...
Cindy: Have a good trip.
Cindy's Dad: Bye.
Buffy: Well, I'm much more of a people person. I'd rather feed all the hungry little children of the world and much rather help my fellow man than some animal.
[A homeless man approaches.]
Homeless Man: Spare a dollar?
Buffy: Eww! Get away from me, you bum!
Cindy: Buffy!? Can't you see that he's just hungry?
(Cindy gives the man a sandwich from her lunch bag.)
Cindy: Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.
Homeless Man: I said a dollar, bitch!
(The homeless man hits Cindy in the back of the head with the sandwich.)
Reporter: How close were you to the victim?
Shorty: Real close, real close. 'Til the roofies wore off and she woke up, talkin' about pressin' charges. So I just pulled my tongue out her ass and left.
Heather: That's what's so important about the First Amendment. It gives us the right to say what we want without fear of retaliation.
(The teacher smacks Heather and knocks her down.)
Teacher: Oh, shut the fuck up!
Doofy: (to runners) Hey! Slow it down!
Runner: Blow me!
Doofy: All right.
Cindy: We have to call the police.
Ray: No way, I ain't goin' to jail!
Cindy: We have to!
Greg: Hey, Cindy! Do you know what happens to young boys in prison?! All those sex starved convicts just waitin' for a fresh piece of meat?!
Ray: Hey, you're right, Cindy, maybe we should call the police.
Cindy: Wait, shouldn't we check his wallet?
Buffy: For what?
Brenda: Shit, he might have some money. We already committed murder, we might as well rob his ass!
Bobby: Good idea, I'll take credit cards!
Brenda: I want the jewelry!
Ray: I'm-a take his drawers!
The Killer: Do you know where I am?
Cindy: Um, you're, you're behind the couch...
Killer: What?! How do you know that?
Cindy: I can um, see your feet.
The Killer: Oh, fuck! Okay, turn around, close your eyes, no peeking! (The Killer hides under the rug, but then gets up)
(Cindy turns around)
The Killer: Hey, hey, hey! Turn around! No peeking!
(Cindy quickly turns back around)
The Killer: (hides behind the curtain with his hook hanging out) Okay, now turn around. Now, do you know where I am? Ha ha ha, you don't, do you?
Cindy: No, Mr. Killer, I don't know where you are...
The Killer: I'll give you a big clue! (The Killer pops back out)
(Cindy screams and runs)
The Killer: (chases her and trips) Oh, I gotta stop drinking.
Gail: All right, who copped a feel?
Kenny: Gail, it was me.
Gail: Oh my God.
Kenny: It was an accident Gail! I only touched the-the top of the breast. It was so tender and juicy-
Gail: SHUT UP!
Buffy: Doofy! Mom said get home now.
Doofy: Tell Mom I'm on official police business.
Buffy: Cindy, you okay?
Doofy: Hey, hey, hey! No talking to the witness!
Buffy: Go get in the car, Doofy, she's coming with us.
Doofy: Does Mom know?
Buffy: Yeah, Doofus!
Doofy: Mom says when I wear this badge your supposed to treat me like a man of the law.
Buffy: Yeah, well, Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!
All The Police Officers: Yeah! Ha ha! (laughing at Doofy and clapping)
Gail: Have they located Cindy Campbell's father?
Gail: Isn't he a suspect?
Sheriff: That is classified information! Where are you getting that?
Gail: I'm sorry. My sources is strictly confidential.
Doofy: Hey, Gail. (To the crowd) Gail swallows!
Cindy: He murdered all my friends!
Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
Cindy: Why are you doing this, Bobby?
Bobby: Why?! WHY?! You hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive. Did "Scream" have a plot?
Bobby: Did "I Know What You Did Last Summer" make any sense? Don't think so! What the hell's with the sequel, huh? What the hell's with that fat, white Jamaican guy?
Ray: Ah, I want to kill that motherfucker, man.
Cindy: It's just bad casting, Bobby...
Cindy: I thought you loved me.
Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you discover new things about yourself. That's right, Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
Ray: What? I ain't gay!
Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray: So? They play good music.
Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco?
Ray: I wanted to go shopping.
Bobby: (on the verge of tears) But... you made love to me.
Ray: First of all, you sucked my dick-
(Ray is stabbing Bobby)
Cindy: You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!
Ray: No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers... cancelling TV shows does! (continues to stab Bobby with more violence) The Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good-ass show! And we didn't even get a final episode!