Secondhand Lions

Secondhand Lions is a 2003 American adventure/comedy film about a young boy who is sent to live with his two eccentric but mysterious great-uncles on a farm in Texas.

Directed and written by Tim McCanlies.

The McCann brothers have finally met their match.

Hub McCann

We're old, dammit! Leave us alone!

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love, true love, never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. No matter if they're true or not, a man should believe in those things because those are the things worth believing in.

Sheriff Brady

Best I can figure, they were trying to fly through that barn, upside down. Had a bunch of reporters out here earlier; CNN. I guess it is news, when you got a tiny World War I biplane bein' flown by two 90-year-old men, neither one of 'em with pilot's licenses... Well, they had a good, long run, the both of 'em. And they went out with their boots on!

Other

The kid gets it all. Just plant us in the damned garden with the stupid lion.
- Text of the will left by Hub and Garth, being read by an older Walter.

Dialogue

[Hub and Garth are standing in a large pond, firing shotguns at catfish when Walter and his mother arrive]

Garth: He's runnin' for it!

Hub: I got 'im!

Garth: Damn. Empty!

Hub: Get ammo; I'll keep him covered!

Mae: Yoo-hoo!

[Hub and Garth look up, staring between Mae and each other in confusion.]

Garth: Huh?

Hub: You send for a hooker?

Mae: Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth- it's me, Mae!

[Hub and Garth stare at her, still confused.]

Mae: Mae! Pearl's daughter! And I brought Walter, your nephew!

Garth: Relatives.

Hub: [Groans] Damn.

Ralph: Hub, I don't see why you have to drive, it's my car!

Hub: Quit whinin'.

Ralph: We find that kid he's gonna get a piece of my mind.

Garth: There he is.

[Hub pulls in at a closed gas station; Ralph goes to open his door]

Hub: Lawyer! Stay in the car!

Garth: Hub, come on.

Hub: [hesitant] No, not me. You-

Garth: Hub. Get out of the car. [Garth and Hub go over and sit beside Walter] Planning your next move? Where you goin'?

Walter: Here. Area code 406, Montana.

Garth: How come you're not headin' to Fort Worth, where your mum is?

Walter: She's not there. She lied. Again.

Garth: Listen, kid, we know you got your heart set on goin' to Montana, but... it's late. Hub, help me out here.

Hub: Why? Sounds like his mind's made up. Good luck in Montana, kid.

[Garth gives him a look and points to Walter's map]

Garth: We got better maps than that one at the house, right Hub?

Hub: Yeah, man needs a good map, that's for sure.

Walter: I've been to the orphan home before. I don't wanna go back.

Hub: Damn it, kid. It ain't our fault you got a lousy damn mother. [Garth gives him another look]

Walter: I guess I should get going. Which way is North?

[Hub points but Garth pushes his hand down; Ralph irritably sounds his car's horn.]

Hub: I'll say one thing for this kid, he sure pisses off the relatives!

Garth: Listen, kid, do us a favor. If you come back to the house and stay awhile... Why, our relatives are going to hate it. I bet they hate it so much, they go away and leave us all the hell alone.

Hub: It's crazy enough, it just might work.

Garth: Come on, kid. Help us out here.

Hub: See, this here is exactly what I've been talkin' 'bout. Ever since this kid was suckin' on his momma's titty he's been shown everything but discipline. And now his idea of courage is ridin' around botherin' folks too good-natured to put a stop to it.

Hood 1: Hey, who do you think you are, huh?

Garth: Just a dumb kid, Hub. Don't kill him.

Hub: [to Garth] Right.

[Hub suddenly stands up and grabs Hood 1 by the throat]

Hub: I'm Hub McCann. I've fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and TANKS! I've seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I've won and lost a dozen fortunes, KILLED MANY MEN! And loved only one woman, with a passion a FLEA like you could never begin to understand. That's who I am. NOW, GO HOME, BOY! [Throws Hood 1 at the other teenagers.]

Hood 1: Let's show this old bastard who's tough! Get out your knives!

[The boys all open their switchblades, but Garth cocks his shotgun and aims it at them.]

Garth: Now, boys, you're fixin' to let those teenage hormones get you into a world of trouble. [the thugs immediately drop their switchblades]

Hub: Damn it, Garth, did I ask you to butt in?

Garth: Hub, you've just come out the hospital.

Hub: There's only four of 'em.

Garth: Well, look, look. You fight this one first, then I'll let you fight the other three after, okay?

Hub: Yeah! [To Walter] Watch this, kid.

Garth: [To Hood 1] Now, you- you better pick that knife up. 'Cause, son, you're gonna need all the help you can get.

[A traveling salesman arrives, but unlike the others immediately takes cover behind his car, waving a white flag.]

Salesman: Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Garth: He's been here before! This is no ordinary salesman.

Salesman: Brothers McCann?

Hub: Hell, I like me a challenge.

Salesman: Can we talk?

Hub: Come out where we can see you!

Salesman: Put down your guns and I'll come out!

Garth: [Grins] This guy is good.

Hub: I'll cover him- you sneak around. [Walter tugs at his arm] What're you-what? What?

Walter: Why not see what he's sellin'?

Salesman: Let me just show it to you!

Hub: What the hell for?

Salesman: It's right behind my car!

Walter: Well, what's the good of having all that money if you're never gonna spend it?

Salesman: Trust me!

Garth: Could be the kid has a point.

Hub: Well. We'll see what the man's sellin'. Then we'll shoot 'im.

Garth: Good plan.

Walter: So can I keep him? I'll look after him and take care of him and feed him and everything! I never had a pet of my very own before.

Hub: So kid, you want to take care of it, nurse it back to health?

[Walter nods eagerly.]

Hub: Good. Then we shoot it.

[Hub and Garth walk away.]

Garth: That's some lion you bought.

Hub: That's some garden seeds you bought.

[Walter begins to close the crate, looks at lion.]

Walter: Don't worry, they're not as bad as they seem right at first.

Walter: What kind of greedy, no-good scum would turn in Uncle Hub for money?

Garth: [Leans in and grins] Well, I would.

Walter: [eyes widening with realization] Ah, it was a trick.

Garth: Yeah, it was a trick.

[Jasmine, Walter's elderly secondhand lion, has died while attacking Stan to protect Walter]

Garth: Looks like he's going to need stitches.

[Hub slams the butt of his shotgun onto Stan's face, breaking his nose]

Hub: Yeah, a lot of damn stitches.

Walter: What happened to her?

Garth: Looks like her heart gave out in all the excitement.

Walter: Look. I think she's smiling.

Garth: Yeah, I guess she died happy.

Hub: She died with her boots on, that's the main thing.

Garth: Protecting her cub.

Walter: She was a real lion, wasn't she? There at the end. A real jungle lion. A real Africa lion.

[Garth and Hub are outside with Stan while Walter and his mother are inside the house; Stan's numerous injuries from being attacked by the lion mean he is almost entirely covered in casts.]

Garth: Howdy, Stan.

Hub: You know, you're lucky, Stan. Lucky the lion got to you before *we* did.

[Hub and Garth are watching Mae and an injured Stan drive away with Walter]

Hub: Damn. She doesn't deserve that kid. Maybe we'll get a lawyer.

Garth: No judge is gonna take a kid away from his mother, give 'im to two old bachelor uncles.

Hub: Well, maybe she'll sell 'im to us. How much money we got?

Garth: Hub- there's nothin' we can do. He's gone.

Walter: If I'm gonna live here, there's gonna be some conditions.

Hub: Conditions?

Walter: No more dangerous stuff. No more fighting teenagers. No airplanes. More vegetables, less meat.

Hub: [Incredulous] What do you expect us to die of? Old age?

[Walter nods, smiling]

Garth: Well... welcome home.

External links

Wikipedia

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Secondhand Lions

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