Semi-Pro

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Semi-Pro is a 2008 sports comedy film directed by Kent Alterman and staring Will Ferrell, Andre Benjamin, Will Arnett, Woody Harrelson, Maura Tierney, Andrew Daly, and David Koechner.

Jackie Moon[edit]

  • Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
  • Let's get Tropical!
  • It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!
  • When they look back in the anals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
  • GODDAMN IT, VAKIDIS, LEARN FUCKIN' ENGLISH!
  • I'm so excited, I can't even...feel my arms!
  • EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!
  • (to Monix) I wish you were still a washing machine!
  • SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!
  • Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
  • EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!
  • If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.
  • SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
  • Get the funk outta my face. Get. The. Funk. Outta My Face.
  • You...motherfucking cocksuckers!

Dialogue[edit]

Lou Redwood: Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
Dick Pepperfield: No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.

Lou Redwood: You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.
Dick Pepperfield: [chuckles] Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
Lou Redwood: ...What's your problem?

[Jackie is lying in a dumpster]

Ed Monix: Jackie, what are you eating?
Jackie: I think it's a pancake...
Monix: How long's that been there Jackie?
Jackie: It's been here a while...

[Lou, Jackie, Cornelius, Bobby, and Dick are playing cards]

Lou Redwood: Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible! [about the fondue he just ate]
Jackie Moon: It's called fondue.
Lou Redwood: Fon-what?
Jackie Moon: Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.
Bobby Dee: It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
Dick Pepperfield: Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive. [others makes noises of agreement]
Bobby Dee: They are my favorite producers of pornography.
Jackie Moon: They do make an excellent fuck picture!
Dick Pepperfield: Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.
Jackie Moon: To the men's room.
Dick Pepperfield: Oh, stop it.
Jackie Moon: To make your wiener sing...boner machine. [others are laughing]
Dick Pepperfield: I am not a boner machine!
Lou Redwood: Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam. [others groan] Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.
Bobby Dee: Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war. [others laugh]
Cornelius Banks: You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. [laughter stops]
Lou Redwood: [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey? [Cornelius shakes his head]
Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!
Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!
Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!
Jackie Moon: Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker. [others laugh]
Lou Redwood: We like playing games, don't we? [laughing]
Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.
Lou Redwood: I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin' 'Nam! [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius] Who's the jive turkey now? [bursts out laughing] Gun's not loaded! [all laugh]
Jackie Moon: It's not loaded!
Lou Redwood: You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!
Cornelius Banks: The gun was not loaded!
Jackie Moon: I'll see you fuckers in hell. [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]
Bobby Dee: Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard. [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks: I did call you jive turkey. [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]
Dick Pepperfield: [playfully, pointing gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! [pulls trigger] Rrragh!
Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.
Jackie Moon: Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh? [rests gun on forearm]
Dick Pepperfield: How do you like your martinis, sir?
Jackie Moon: Stirred, in a half carafe. [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks: He shoots himself!
Jackie Moon: He shoots himself in the wiener! [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]

Jackie: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
Clarence Coffee Black: So what's the plan?
Jackie: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on TV.
Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?
Jackie: It's eyeliner, dummy! Now who's first? Monix?
Monix: Oh, yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.

Monix: Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
Vakidis: Yes, right on! (does nothing)
Monix: Vakidis, did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?
Vakidis: Yes, right on!

Dick Pepperfield: Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
Lou Redwood: No, I like to smoke when I drink.

Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.

[Talking about Vakidis]

Dick Pepperfield: He scares me!
Lou Redwood: That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.
Dick Pepperfield: Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.

Others[edit]

  • Petrelli: How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
  • Cornelius Banks: Ohhhh, I did get shot!
  • Dick Pepperfield: Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.
  • Alan the Commissioner: No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!
  • Dick Pepperfield: Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!
  • Clarence Coffee Black: Who the fuck is Bambi?

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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