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[Mitch is speaking into the "confessional" camera]
- Mitch: Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? I'm too old for this shit. Go on, I dare you.
- Mitch: I've got to go wash this shit out of my hair and get a change of clothes.
- Mitch: What are you going to do top cop, wrap me up in caution tape?
- Mitch: I have not interest in you, your stupid questions, or your silly show.
- Mitch: Get that camera out of here!
- Trey: Keep that camera right where it is!
[why Mitch started doing pottery]
- Mitch: My ex and I were on the rocks, and my marriage counselor said I needed to take up a hobby.
- Trey: How come you never got good at it?
- Mitch: Well, it's kind of like you and police work. I never took it that seriously.
- Mitch: Why did you want to be a cop, anyway?
- Trey: Because I was a shitty waiter.
- Chase: [unimpressed] This is your house?
- Mitch: No, this is my batcave. There's a tunnel in the garage that leads to my mansion in Beverly Hills.
- T.J. Hooker: [advising Trey on how TV cops taste drugs] You spear the knife into the bag... then pick some of the drugs up with the knife... then lightly press it on your tongue. And that is how TV cops taste drugs!
- Mitch: What if it's cyanide? There's a reason real cops don't taste drugs.
- Chase: That's great TV!
- Trey: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Mitch: I doubt it.
- Mitch: [after his home has been remodeled] It looks like a gay porn star lives here!
- Trey: [walking around the weapons lab] What happened to the good old days where people would just grow pot in their garages?
- Robert De Niro as Detective Mitch Preston
- Eddie Murphy as Officer Trey Sellars
- Rene Russo as Chase Renzi
- Pedro Damián as Cesar Vargas
- Drena De Niro as Annie
- William Shatner as Himself
- Mos Def as Lazy Boy