Silicon Valley (TV series)

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Silicon Valley is a 2014 HBO television comedy series that centers on six programmers who are living together and trying to make it big in Silicon Valley. The program is created by Mike Judge, John Altschuler and Dave Krinsky.

Season 1[edit]

Minimum Viable Product [1.01][edit]

Richard: I have a meeting with Gavin Belson. He wants to talk about Pied Piper.
Erlich: I own 10% of Pied Piper.
Richard: You said it was a shitty idea.
Erlich: It was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now.

Gavin: What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli...Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it. Making the world a better place, through minimal message oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.

Gavin: It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.

The Cap Table [1.02][edit]

Gilfoyle: Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?
Dinesh: The postman lady.
Gilfoyle: What? A woman that was a man?
Dinesh: Not a post-man lady. A lady who was a post...
Gilfoyle: Let me ask you another question. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

Erlich: Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete teutonic shift has to happen.
Richard: Tectonic.
Erlich: What?
Richard: A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...
Erlich: Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.

Richard: That was nice, guys. He heard everything.
Dinesh: That doesn't make it not true.
Gilfoyle: I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

Articles of Incorporation [1.03][edit]

Richard: Since when do we have an intern program?
Bachman: We don’t. And when Keith finds that out, it’s going to be a very valuable business lesson for him.

Belson: If we can make your audio and video files smaller, we can make cancer smaller. And hunger. And... AIDS.

Dinesh: It looks like a guy sucking a dick, with another dick tucked behind his ear for later. Like a snack dick.

Dunn: Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh. I'm on the phone with the bank and they say they need an extra form for your payroll, because of your visa?
Dinesh: Visa? What visa? I'm a fucking US citizen.
Dunn: [on phone] I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and he's pretty irate because... Oh, I see. Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national. Citizen of Canada. Okay, thank you.
Dinesh: You're Canadian?
Gilfoyle: Your "borders" are merely a construct. I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.
Dunn: Do you mind just sending them the form so they know you're here legally?
Gilfoyle: Yes, I mind. And also I may not be. To wit, maybe you could make out my checks to cash? Or bitcoin.
Dinesh: I didn't know I was working with an illegal.
Gilfoyle: The irony.

Dinesh: You know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber. The Hitler of music.
Dunn: Hitler played bassoon. So technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Bachman: Time is a sphere, and I have been reincarnated in the same time at which I exist!

Fiduciary Duties [1.04][edit]

Hendriks: You know, I wish this was Roman times.
Dinesh: I would have been a slave!
Gilfoyle: There’s still time.

Dinesh: I half-jokingly said to Gilfoyle last night it looks like Richard’s gonna suck Erlich’s dick. But that would be reasonable compared to this.

Hendriks: I always knew I was missing something, and then when someone explained the concept of ‘game’ I remember very distinctly thinking ‘That’s what I don’t have.’

Signaling Risk [1.05][edit]

Belson: Fuck you, the audio’s still working! Audio worked a hundred fucking years ago, you fucking piece of shit!

Bachman: I’m already smiling, do you really have to paint me giving the thumbs-up? It’s gratuitous.

Waiter: Are you enjoying your asparagus, sir?
Gregory: I was never enjoying it. I was only eating it for the nutrients.

Belson: How are you?
Gregory: Well. And you?
Belson: Not bad.

Gilfoyle:I just masturbated to heighten my focus. I have a 15-minute refractory period.

Third Party Insourcing [1.06][edit]

Doctor: I don’t know how you did it, but you essentially aged 40 years in the last seven weeks. We had a meth addict in here this morning who was biologically younger than you are, and he’s 58. Myspace guy.

Dinesh: You’re probably right, she just wanted to fuck a Danish.

Proof of Concept [1.07][edit]

[From outside the van on the highway]
Gilfoyle: I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.
Richard: I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.
Gilfoyle: So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...
[Richard sticks his head out the window and vomits]
Ehrlich: Gilfoyle!
Gilfoyle: See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.

Gilfoyle: It's not her you're sexually attracted to, it's my code.
Dinesh: Shut the... That is the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever h...
Gilfoyle: Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code, you're code gay.
Dinesh: No! No, I'm into her. Her, OK? Fuck your code!
Gilfoyle: You'd like to fuck my code, wouldn't you? Hey, would you like to masturbate to the subroutine I just wrote?

Gilfoyle: Where the hell have you been?
Ehrlich: There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.
Richard: What?
Ehrlich: Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.
Gilfoyle: You went back?
Dinesh: How many times did you fuck this woman?
Ehrlich: The old wife or the new wife?
Dinesh: The new wife.
Ehrlich: Last night or this morning?
Richard: Ehrlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.
Ehrlich: Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.
Dinesh: How the fuck do you know that?
Ehrlich: Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.

Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency [1.08][edit]

[After Erlich negotiated to get a suite after being assaulted by Melcher]
Dinesh: I was already happy you got punched in the face, but now I’m super happy!

Belson: Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

Bachman: We have to act like any animal that's been cornered, acting erratically and blindly lashing out at anything around us.

Gilfoyle: Every day it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.
Booth Worker: Oh?
Dinesh: He’s a Satanist. It’s a good thing.

[Dunn, sleep deprived and after the Hooli Nucleus presentation:]
Dunn: Instagram pivoted! Chatroulette pivoted! We're gonna pivot! [Walks away]
Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.

Police Officer: Before I search, do you have any narcotics, weapons or needles?
Dunn: Yes I do. [Hands Adderall bottle to officer]
Police Officer: Adderall? This is a highly controlled substance.
Dunn: Oh, no, it's not mine. It’s for an underage kid I brought to my house.

Bachman: We’re going to win even if I have to go in there and jerk off everyone in the audience!
[ Later, as he's being interviewed ]
Bachman: Let me ask you. How fast do you think you could jerk off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

Season 2[edit]

Sand Hill Shuffle [2.01][edit]

Gavin: I don't know about you people, but I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.

Runaway Devaluation [2.02][edit]

Bad Money [2.03][edit]

The Lady [2.04][edit]

Server Space [2.05][edit]

Homicide [2.06][edit]

Ehrlich: [laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?
Richard: How could not mention the colostomy bag?
Ehrlich: Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.
Richard: You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?
Ehrlich: Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!
Richard: I'm actually not.
Ehrlich: You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!


External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about:

HBO Website

Pied Piper Mock Website