Silicon Valley (TV series)

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Silicon Valley is a 2014 HBO television comedy series that centers on six programmers who are living together and trying to make it big in Silicon Valley. The program is created by Mike Judge, John Altschuler and Dave Krinsky.

Season 1[edit]

Minimum Viable Product [1.01][edit]

[first spoken lines]

Kid Rock: (yelling) Whoo! Somebody make some fucking noise in here! (quieter) fuck these people



Dinesh: What the hell are you eating?
Gilfoyle: Liquid Shrimp. It's 200 dollars a quart. Wylie Dufresne made it.
Dinesh: How does it taste?
Gilfoyle: Like how I would imagine cum tastes.

Erlich: You guys taking it all in? Because this is what it looks like when Google acquires your company for over 200 million dollars.

Javeed - Goolybib founder: Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you: I love Goolybib's integrated multi platform functionality! Yeah! Whoo!... ! But seriously, you know, a few days ago, when we were sitting down with Barack Obama, I turned to these guys and said, "Ok, you know, we're making a lot of money. And yes, we're disrupting digital media. But most importantly we're making the world a better place through constructing elegant hierarchies for maximum code reuse and extensibility."

Richard: I have a meeting with Gavin Belson. He wants to talk about Pied Piper.
Erlich: I own 10% of Pied Piper.
Richard: You said it was a shitty idea.
Erlich: It was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now.

Gavin: What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli...Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it. Making the world a better place, through minimal message oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.

Gavin: It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.

The Cap Table [1.02][edit]

Gilfoyle: Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?
Dinesh: The postman lady.
Gilfoyle: What? A woman that was a man?
Dinesh: Not a post-man lady. A lady who was a post...
Gilfoyle: Let me ask you another question. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

Erlich: Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete teutonic shift has to happen.
Richard: Tectonic.
Erlich: What?
Richard: A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...
Erlich: Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.

Richard: That was nice, guys. He heard everything.
Dinesh: That doesn't make it not true.
Gilfoyle: I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

Articles of Incorporation [1.03][edit]

Richard: Since when do we have an intern program?
Erlich: We don’t. And when Keith finds that out, it’s going to be a very valuable business lesson for him.

Gavin: If we can make your audio and video files smaller, we can make cancer smaller. And hunger. And... AIDS.

Dinesh: It looks like a guy sucking a dick, with another dick tucked behind his ear for later. Like a snack dick.

Dunn: Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh. I'm on the phone with the bank and they say they need an extra form for your payroll, because of your visa?
Dinesh: Visa? What visa? I'm a fucking US citizen.
Dunn: [on phone] I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and he's pretty irate because... Oh, I see. Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national. Citizen of Canada. Okay, thank you.
Dinesh: You're Canadian?
Gilfoyle: Your "borders" are merely a construct. I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.
Dunn: Do you mind just sending them the form so they know you're here legally?
Gilfoyle: Yes, I mind. And also I may not be. To wit, maybe you could make out my checks to cash? Or bitcoin.
Dinesh: I didn't know I was working with an illegal.
Gilfoyle: The irony.

Dinesh: You know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber. The Hitler of music.
Dunn: Hitler played bassoon. So technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Erlich: Time is a sphere, and I have been reincarnated in the same time at which I exist!

Fiduciary Duties [1.04][edit]

Hendriks: You know, I wish this was Roman times.
Dinesh: I would have been a slave!
Gilfoyle: There’s still time.

Dinesh: I half-jokingly said to Gilfoyle last night it looks like Richard’s gonna suck Erlich’s dick. But that would be reasonable compared to this.

Hendriks: I always knew I was missing something, and then when someone explained the concept of ‘game’ I remember very distinctly thinking ‘That’s what I don’t have.’

Signaling Risk [1.05][edit]

Gavin: Fuck you, the audio’s still working! Audio worked a hundred fucking years ago, you fucking piece of shit!

Erlich: I’m already smiling, do you really have to paint me giving the thumbs-up? It’s gratuitous.

Waiter: Are you enjoying your asparagus, sir?
Gregory: I was never enjoying it. I was only eating it for the nutrients.

Gavin: How are you?
Gregory: Well. And you?
Gavin: Not bad.

Gilfoyle:I just masturbated to heighten my focus. I have a 15-minute refractory period.

Third Party Insourcing [1.06][edit]

Doctor: I don’t know how you did it, but you essentially aged 40 years in the last seven weeks. We had a meth addict in here this morning who was biologically younger than you are, and he’s 58. Myspace guy.

Dinesh: You’re probably right, she just wanted to fuck a Danish.

Proof of Concept [1.07][edit]

[From outside the van on the highway]
Gilfoyle: I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.
Richard: I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.
Gilfoyle: So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...
[Richard sticks his head out the window and vomits]
Erlich: Gilfoyle!
Gilfoyle: See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.

Gilfoyle: It's not her you're sexually attracted to, it's my code.
Dinesh: Shut the... That is the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever h...
Gilfoyle: Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code, you're code gay.
Dinesh: No! No, I'm into her. Her, OK? Fuck your code!
Gilfoyle: You'd like to fuck my code, wouldn't you? Hey, would you like to masturbate to the subroutine I just wrote?

Gilfoyle: Where the hell have you been?
Erlich: There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.
Richard: What?
Erlich: Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.
Gilfoyle: You went back?
Dinesh: How many times did you fuck this woman?
Erlich: The old wife or the new wife?
Dinesh: The new wife.
Erlich: Last night or this morning?
Richard: Erlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.
Erlich: Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.
Dinesh: How the fuck do you know that?
Erlich: Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.

Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency [1.08][edit]

[After Erlich negotiated to get a suite after being assaulted by Melcher]
Dinesh: I was already happy you got punched in the face, but now I’m super happy!

Gavin: Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

Erlich: We have to act like any animal that's been cornered, acting erratically and blindly lashing out at anything around us.

Gilfoyle: Every day it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.
Booth Worker: Oh?
Dinesh: He’s a Satanist. It’s a good thing.

[Dunn, sleep deprived and after the Hooli Nucleus presentation:]
Dunn: Instagram pivoted! Chatroulette pivoted! We're gonna pivot! [Walks away]
Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.

Police Officer: Before I search, do you have any narcotics, weapons or needles?
Dunn: Yes I do. [Hands Adderall bottle to officer]
Police Officer: Adderall? This is a highly controlled substance.
Dunn: Oh, no, it's not mine. It’s for an underage kid I brought to my house.

Erlich: We’re going to win even if I have to go in there and jerk off everyone in the audience!
[ Later, as he's being interviewed ]
Erlich: Let me ask you. How fast do you think you could jerk off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

Season 2[edit]

Sand Hill Shuffle [2.01][edit]

Gavin: I don't know about you people, but I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.

Runaway Devaluation [2.02][edit]

Bad Money [2.03][edit]

Richard: Once we get a few customers and start a subscription-revenue model.
Erlich: What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no. No. If you show revenue, people will ask "How much?" And it will never be enough, but if you have no revenue, you can say you're pre-revenue. You're a potential pure play. It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money. Pinterest, Snapchat... No revenue. Amazon has lost money every fucking quarter for the last 20 fucking years, and that Bezos motherfucker is the king.

The Lady [2.04][edit]

Server Space [2.05][edit]

Homicide [2.06][edit]

Erlich: [laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?
Richard: How could not mention the colostomy bag?
Erlich: Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.
Richard: You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?
Erlich: Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!
Richard: I'm actually not.
Erlich: You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!

Adult Content [2.07][edit]

Russ: Oh, we have a contract? We have a fucking contract, Richard? You wanna know what I have? [slams his Maserati's door three times] A fucking car whose doors open like this! [mimics a butterfly door motion] Not like this, [mimics a vertical door motion] not like this! [enters the car] These are not the doors of a billionaire, Richard. Fuck you! [drives around the parking lot, then comes back] Fuck you in the ass.

White Hat/Black Hat [2.08][edit]

Binding Arbitration [2.09][edit]

Pete: Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, amyl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.
Richard: Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?
Jared: So you can't practice law?
Pete: Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?
Richard: I guess I have one at least um, what does amyl nitrite do?
Jared: Oh it dilates the anus.
Pete: That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.
Richard: OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.
Jared: Sure.
Erlich: Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?
Pete: I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.
Jared: Thank god.
Pete: I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.
Richard: So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?
Pete: Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.
Richard: Why?
Pete: They need to send over their discovery documents. All of it.
Jared: All of them?

Two Days of the Condor [2.10][edit]

Noah: Now, Pied Piper, you've conceded on all of these minor counts. Accordingly, on the count of wrongful solicitation, I find Richard Hendricks did indeed breach his contract with Hooli when he hired away a Hooli employee, one Donald Dunn, a.k.a. Jared, a.k.a. O.J., apparently. But this is where things get interesting. Mr. Belson, there is language in this contract that the California Supreme Court has deemed unlawful. Preventing Mr. Dunn from seeking employment elsewhere is a violation of his rights. Are you aware of this?
Gavin: I was not, but I'm willing to drop that count altogether if it makes things easier.
Noah: Well, here's the thing. This clause was unlawful when you included it in Mr. Hendricks' employment agreement.
Gavin: Right, as I said, I'm willing to just move past this.
Noah: See, again, I don't think you understand. If Mr. Hendricks hadn't hired Mr. Dunn, or you hadn't pursued him for that hire, I'm not sure I would've noticed the violation. But you did, so I did.
Richard: [whisper] What's happening?
Pete: Justice, baby.
Noah: And what I find is, this is an unenforceable contract. It is null and void. So effectively, Mr. Hendricks never had a valid employment agreement with Hooli. As a result, Hooli has no claim of ownership to Pied Piper's underlying IP. That is my ruling, and per your arbitration agreement, it is binding and final. Thank you, everyone.
Gavin: [to his lawyers] What the fuck just happened?! We lost?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!
Richard: We won? We won, right? I mean, Pied Piper is ours?
Pete: Richard, not long ago, emergency workers pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis. Today, you pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my life, and those flames burned far hotter. For that, I thank you.
Richard: Yeah...you're welcome.
Pete: I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up into my rectum. That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me. You know what that drug's called?
Richard: No.
Pete: A second chance.

Season 3[edit]

Founder Friendly [3.01][edit]

Doctor: You've got a glow about you. If it were medically possible, I'd say you were pregnant!

Two in the Box [3.02][edit]

Dinesh: This is fucking amazing, I feel like I'm in Minority Report!
Gilfoyle: Except in reality, you're just a minority.

Meinertzhagen's Haversack [3.03][edit]

Jack Barker: Take a look at the Conjoined Triangles of Success. Now, what do those two triangles make together?
Richard: A square?
Jack Barker: A box! They make a box. You can't make that shit up.
Richard: But you literally did make it up.
Jack Barker: Yes, I did. And now they teach it at business schools.

Gilfoyle: Whoa, whoa, hold on. You're wearing a gold chain?
Dinesh: Oh, right. Yeah, I've had it for a while. Just kind of throw it on every then and now.
Gilfoyle: None of that is true. I definitely would've noticed.
Dinesh: Okay, listen. I've been working hard. I'm making money for the first time. I was like... buy myself something nice, you know?
Gilfoyle: But instead of that, you bought a chain?
Dinesh: You're just jealous I have a salary, quitter.
Gilfoyle: And you are too legit to quit, eh, MC Hamas?
Dinesh: [smug] Fuck off.
Gilfoyle: Later, Chain the Virgin.

Maleant Data System Solutions [3.04][edit]

Richard: [while testing a prototype for the box, the device signals an error] What the fuck? Why isn't this working? Gilfoyle's preprocessor and my compressor should integrate seamlessy. This should work.
Gilfoyle: I may have made my preprocessor slightly faster than you asked me to do, Richard.
Richard: What do you mean? How much slightly faster?
Gilfoyle: 200 megs per seconds.
Dinesh: You dick. That's eight times as fast as the specs required. No wonder our modules aren't running at the same speed. Why would you do that?
Gilfoyle: I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do shitty work.

The Empty Chair [3.05][edit]

Laurie Breen: I will have my office set up an interview. But I want you to present yourself well, Richard. Be showered, groomed, well-dressed. And you will need to sit down with out head of PR beforehand to go over talking points.
Richard: Why?
Laurie Breen: Because you are in an emotional state, and when you are emotional, you become highly inarticulate.
Richard: Well, I don't say that's true.

Richard: Hey. Uh, how do I look?
Erlich: If I'm being honest, like a ventriloquist dummy.
Richard: Uh...Okay. Well, you know, that's actually kind of fitting, because I'm on my way to Raviga right now to meet with a PR person to tell me exactly what to say to a report and how to say it.
Erlich: Well, that does make sense. You do tend to babble on when you're under pressure.
Richard: Why does this thing people says?
Erlich: Why indeed?

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:

HBO Website

Pied Piper Mock Website