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Small Soldiers

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Small Soldiers is a 1998 American action film. It depicts two factions of toys which turn sentient after being programmed with a military microprocessor, putting in danger when one faction ultimately turns lethal.

Directed by Joe Dante. Written by Ted Elliott, and Terry Rossio, based on a story by Gavin Scott and Adam Rifkin.
Big Action! Big Trouble! Big Movie! Small Soldiers!Taglines

Dialogue

[edit]
Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?
Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well, the real world sucks.
Gil Mars: Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Irwin Wayfair: Well, that's an interesting idea.
Gil Mars: Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
Larry Benson: Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy."
Gil Mars: "Everything else is just a toy."
Larry Benson: Th-That's good, too. Sure.
Irwin Wayfair: Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--
Larry Benson: Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.
Gil Mars: We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.
Ms. Kegel: [after being told the product will be ready in three months] Alright, then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top-secret GloboTechnology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment memorize them now.
Irwin Wayfair: [sees his password and chuckles] Mine's Gizmo.
Ms. Kegel: [snatches Irwin's password; annoyed] I said "secret".
Alan Abernathy: [on the phone to Globotech] The Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites!
GloboTech Telephone Operator: The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: They didn't fight them, they destroyed them, and now they're gone!
GloboTech Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys.
Alan Abernathy: I didn't lose them! Look, is there a machine I can talk to? Just transfer me to a machine!
GloboTech Telephone Operator: Bye. Have a nice day, ma'am.
Alan Abernathy: [aghast] I'm not a "ma'am"!
Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- [realizing] Oh.
Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?
Larry Benson: What?
Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh."
Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh."
Irwin Wayfair: Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?
Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--
Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh"!
Larry Benson: Oh.
Irwin Wayfair: Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?
Larry Benson: They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.
Irwin Wayfair: [looks up the chips on his computer] They were designed for the Department of Defense. [shocked] You put munitions chips in toys?!
Nick Nitro: Falling in, sir. [falls to the ground, and the Commando Elite walk towards Nick Nitro]
Brick Bazooka: Outta the way.
Nick Nitro: [weakly] It's...only a flesh wound, sir.
Chip Hazard: Rest easy. You've done your job.
Nick Nitro: [last words; weakly] Did... we win? [groans, and dies]
Chip Hazard: We will. [sniffles] Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory will keep going and going and going. His death will be avenged! [Brick Bazooka sniffles and cries] Commandos, secure the perimeter! Tap all communications! Roll some armor! We got us a war to win. If it launches, lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it "lethile!"
Commando Elite: Sir, yes, sir!
Ralph Quist: The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.
Irwin Wayfair: [nervously] Wh-What are you talking about, artificial intelligence?
Ralph Quist: No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project!
Irwin Wayfair: Ah-ha, so there is a flaw in the chips.
Ralph Quist: Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.
Irwin Wayfair: EMP? Electromagnetic pulse?
Ralph Quist: Yeah, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. [scoffs] Did the Medicis ever tell Michelangelo "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective, here's a bag of cement"?! I think not! [sneezes]
Irwin Wayfair: Gesundheit.
Ralph Quist: Thank you.
Larry Benson: Look, there really shouldn't be any problem, right? Just because the chips can learn.
Ralph Quist: Am I not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So, if you've got a problem, it's in your software.
[In the Fimple residence, the Commando Elite discover Christy's collection of Gwendy dolls]
Brick Bazooka: Bombshells, sir!
Kip Killigan: Fully posable! [he and Brick Bazooka laugh]
Brick Bazooka: Hello, Dolly!
[wolf whistle]
Butch Meathook: Mmm-mmm! Sweet stuff! Hubba, hubba!
Link Static: R&R, sir?
Brick Bazooka: Request a three-day pass, sir.
Chip Hazard: Denied! [Brick Bazooka groans] Gentlemen, this is the new army. Those are reinforcements. Bring me the head of Nick Nitro! Move! [Nick Nitro's body is brought to him] Soldier, your memory will live on. [pulls Nick Nitro's head off, and the Commando Elite gasps in shock]
Butch Meathook: Damn!
Link Static: Oh, criminy!
[Chip Hazard pulls off the fake skin]
Butch Meathook: I think I'm gonna hurl.
Chip Hazard: [reaching Nick Nitro's microprocessor chip] A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
[In a scene akin to a certain classic film, the chip is used to electrify and animate the Gwendy dolls]
Brick Bazooka: [laughing] It's alive! It's alive!
Gwendy Doll: [walks to Chip Hazard] Hi, there! Cannon Fodder Gwendy reporting for duty, sir! [salutes]
Chip Hazard: [salutes] Carry on, soldier!
[Alan finds Christy tied up and gagged in her room]
Alan Abernathy: Are you all right?
[Christy tries to talk to him through her gag; a Gwendy doll appears on her shoulder]
Gwendy Doll 1: All my make-up is cruelty-free!
[Christy nods towards it with a muffled shriek; two more dolls appear on Alan's shoulders]
Gwendy Doll 2: You come here often?
Gwendy Doll 3: Will you take me to the prom?
[A swarm of dolls start to overwhelm Alan]
Gwendy Doll 4: [wielding blades] If you can't accessorize, pulverize!
[Archer helps Christy escape, while one Gwendy aims a nail at Alan's head]
Gwendy Doll 5: You've been a bad boy! And now you must be punished!
[Christy grabs a baton, with two dolls dangling from it]
Gwendy Doll 6: Watch out, girls! Hissy fit!
[Christy sends them flying into a wall, smashing them]
Gwendy Doll 5: [still threatening Alan] You're to die for!
[Christy bashes her aside and starts destroying more of the dolls]
Gwendy Doll 7: Run! She's got a baton!
Gwendy Doll 8: It's a Baton Death March!
Gwendy Doll 9: She's gone postal!
Gwendy Doll 10: Oh, I broke a nail...
Christy Fimple: I ALWAYS HATED THESE THINGS!
Gwendy Doll 11: Oh, the humanity!
[Alan and Christy have tried to explain everything after Phil accuses Alan of kidnapping Christy, drugging him and his wife, and the damage the Commandos did to the Fimples' home]
Phil Fimple: Is this entire household insane?! [pointing at Archer] He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the Blue Fairy drops by with a talking cricket?!
Christy Fimple: Dad, he's telling the truth!
Phil Fimple: He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
Slamfist: [listening in from a shelf] You can't change programming.
Marion Fimple: [still intoxicated] Look! Another one...
Alan Abernathy: See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.
Phil Fimple: That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.
Stuart Abernathy: Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.
[Phil tries to lead his family out, but finds Irwin and Larry at the door]
Irwin Wayfair: Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?
Timmy Fimple: [points at Alan] That's Alan, right there.
Larry Benson: How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.
Irwin Wayfair: There's a chance they might be... defective.
Larry Benson: But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.
Stuart Abernathy: Oh, there's reasons!
Alan Abernathy: There is a problem with the Commandos.
Larry Benson: Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.
[Stuart suddenly punches Larry, knocking him to the floor]
Stuart Abernathy: YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!
Irene Abernathy: Stuart--
Stuart Abernathy: Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. [to Phil] And you! You owe my son an apology!
[Phil steps outside, waving an improvised white flag]
Phil Fimple: Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh... Gorgonzolas. Now here's our proposal: take them!
Insaniac: [listening from inside] Hey! He's selling us down the river! The guy's a regular Arnold Benedict!
Phil Fimple: I mean, switch 'em off, take 'em apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. [notices speakers covered by a net] Hey... is that my JVC?!
[The Commandos start to advance]
Chip Hazard: There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!
Link Static: Yeah! Bomb 'em all the way back to preschool!
Chip Hazard: Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!
Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?
Larry Benson: Seven Gorgonites and nine people.
[The Commandos close in on Phil]
Phil Fimple: [nervously] Well, you heard our proposal...
Stuart Abernathy: [opening the door] Phil, get in here! Hurry!
Chip Hazard: These negotiations are over!
[The Commandos fire a flamethrower at Phil, who scrambles back inside in terror]
Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite! Everything else... is just a toy!
["Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is played from the speakers on full blast]
Alan Abernathy: What are they doing?
Irene Abernathy: Psychological warfare.
Christy Fimple: The Marines did this against Noriega.
Marion Fimple: Phil? Phil!
Phil Fimple: What?
Marion Fimple: I love this song!
Irwin Wayfair: Hey. You know what might work? An electromagnetic pulse. 'Cause that would fry their chips. [he and the others duck after a Commando Elite soldier fires a rocket]
Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
Stuart Abernathy: I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.
Phil Fimple: "Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?
Larry Benson: It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.
Stuart Abernathy: Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

Taglines

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  • Big Action! Big Trouble! Big Movie! Small Soldiers!
  • The few, the proud, and the small.
  • [from theatrical trailer] GloboTech Defense Systems. In a secret lab, the world's most advanced military microprocessor has been created. But the Cold War is over. For GloboTech to survive, new markets must be found. Now, all that power has been placed into the brain of a fighting machine unlike any known to man. They made it strong. They made it clever. They made it... small. They made... a mistake.

About Small Soldiers

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  • We found out what it really takes to make a great toy, to make it stand out on the shelf. We learned how the joints of toys worked, all the mechanics that go into them. The whole thing was an education; and we helped to create a toy line that was extremely successful for Hasbro. In fact, ultimately, sales for the Small Soldiers toys out-performed the film.

Cast

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Voice actors

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Wikipedia
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