Small Time Crooks

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Small Time Crooks is a 2000 American comedy film abouta loser of a crook and his wife who strike it rich when a botched bank job's cover business becomes a spectacular success.

Written and directed by Woody Allen.
They took a bite out of crime. taglines

May Sloane[edit]

  • It was a really tragic story, because my husband, Otto, was dyslexic, and the only thing he could spell correctly was his name.
  • I met a wonderful man downstairs. He seemed to like me. He said I reminded him of his wife who's dead. But I assume he meant when she was alive.


Ray: I'm no genius, believe me, I'm no genius.
Frenchy: Yeah, you don't have to sell me.

Ray: I gotta get some air. I'm going up on the roof.
Frenchy: Don't jump! You're too valuable as a dishwasher.

Ray: For God's sake! For some reason you're always shooting down my dreams.
Frenchy: Because you get the kind of dreams people get after putting opium in their brownies.

Ray: Today Benny got bit by a rat. We had to give him a rabies shot.
Frenchy: Who, the rat?

Denny: Ray really is a genius, Frenchy.
Frenchy: Compared to you, this chair is a genius, Denny.

Ray: What would you say if I told you that you were married to a very brilliant man?
Frenchy: I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

Ray: What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?
Benny: Burn it down.
Ray: What do you mean, "burn it down"? You're still burning stuff down for insurance?
Benny: I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.

David: So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?
Ray: Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.

Ray: I get a bad vibe about this guy, David. It's my street instinct, but I just don't trust him.
May: Yeah, I know why. Because he's younger than you are, handsomer than you are, he's much taller than you are, he's smarter than you are, he's much more exciting than you are...
Ray: May, don't feel obligated to pull any punches with me. I can take it.

Benny: You know what I say? She gets a share, but not a full share.
Tommy: I'd go for that. Yeah.
Denny: Yeah, what if we each get a fourth and she gets, like, a third?
Benny: What are you? Nuts? Then she'd be getting more than us!
Denny: How do you figure?
Benny: Where are you gonna get four fourths and a third? Can't you add?
Denny: I don't do fractions, all right?

Denny: Did you get your share?
Tommy: My share of what? Oh, oh, yeah. I got it. I sold some stuff.
Denny: What did you sell?
Tommy: A rented car.

May: Then the lights begin to flash. Little pinpoints of light. Then my tongue turns black and I can't swallow.
Dr. Henske: Really?
May: The diagnosis is Parkinson's, but they think it could be the Ebola virus, or mad cow disease.

Frenchy's Lawyer: You've lost it all, Frenchy. Or should I say, you've been swindled out of it all.
Frenchy: You mean I got...?
Frenchy's Lawyer: Nothing, Mrs. Winkler. You have nothing. No... no house, no bank account, just a couple of large, outstanding loans which we feel you can best deal with by filing for bankruptcy.
Frenchy: Bankruptcy? Bankruptcy? I'm not up to the B-words yet!

Frenchy: Hey, It was you who taught me how to open a safe.
Ray: That was one of my fondest memories of our time together... What are you saying? You boosted this from David's safe? Frenchy, that's stealing.
Frenchy: Not exactly. Look, it's a long story, Ray. Let's sell it, and I'll fill you in on the flight to Miami.
Ray: Sweetheart, you are the greatest.
Frenchy: Yeah.


  • They took a bite out of crime.
  • Explodes with big-time laughter.


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