- Directed by Brian Levant. Written by Gary Paulsen (book), Jim Kouf, Tommy Swerdlow, Michael Goldberg, Mark Gibson, and Philip Halprin (screenplay).
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- I love blue cheese, and they hate it!
- The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Jack.
- [after dreaming of his origins] I'm an Eskimo?!
- Ted & Mom: Rupert, get off the phone!
Rupert: I'm not on the phone!
- Everything here's white. Including my FATHER!
- [angrily] SHUT UP, CHESTER! I HATE YOU! WHEN I BOUGHT THIS CONDO, NO ONE TOLD ME A LITTLE RAT LIKE YOU LIVED NEXT DOOR! I'M SO SICK OF YOUR BARKING! [Finds a watering can and pours water on the dog]
- Get ready for mush hour!