- 1 Series 1
- 2 Series 2
- 3 Series 3
- 4 Series 4
- 5 Series 6
- 6 Specials
- 7 External links
- Winston: (To the neds) I'll get my Grandson Joe here on ye.
- Neds: Ooooh.
- Winston: He's a Boxer.
- Ned: Aye I can tell that, Taking all those boxes intae the shop.
- Winston: His Hands are classed as dangerous weapons.
- Ned 2: Are you're specs classified an'awe'? Ya Specky Auld Bastard.
- Jack: Do you mind what this place used tae be like when they built it at first. "Craiglang,developing for the future".
- Victor: Aye, Aye, "Craiglang modernity beckons".
- Jack: "Craiglang, tomorrow's already here."
- Victor: "Craiglang...."
- Both: Shitehole!
Can ye see me noo?
What about noo?
Naw just yer leg!
Open the door I say, for I'm a bogus gas man, with fake I'd, and m here to ransack.. YER HOOSE!
- Victor: Consider this: Yir warm noo, but how's it gaun'ae be in a wee stoany jail cell, with nothing to heat ye up, but a hot boabie - RIGHT up yir arse!
- Jack: He must have died, then they cut his phone aff, cause he didnae pay his bill, cause he couldnae cause he was deid.
Pint of Guinness
- Jack: (Making phrases to win a scone competition) Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Ah there it is, next to the phone
- Victor: A scone and tea at half past three, makes the day a little brighter. So you can keep your cakes and fancy tarts....
- Jack and Victor: ...and stick them up your shiter.
- Jack: Good morning, Doctor
- Victor: (Speaks to pretend intercom) Hold all calls, Linda
- Jack: Linda?
- Victor: I had to let Agnes go, she was an arsehole
- Jack: That's a bloody liberty that, I liked that woman, she was almost ready for retirement
- Victor: Too bad, I call the shots, and she's sacked. Now what is wrong with you?
- Jack: I'm depressed...
- Victor:And how is this depression manifesting itself?
- Jack: I cannot be arsed with anything or anybody
- Victor: Well, it sounds like your depressed, but I am afraid I cannae help ye
- Jack: How?
- Victor: 'cause I just gied the last o' ma tablets to a lovely big fella called Victor McDade
- Bobby: Hey! Look! It's Lambert and Butler!
- Jack: Shut it Boabby. You're the only fag in here
- Boabby: How does this sound; I'll worry about my bar, and you two worry about if you're gonna make it through another winter?!
- [After Pete the Jakey claims to be working for Internal Operations]
- Jack: Who'd you think you are, 007?!
- Victor: Aye, licence to get pished!
- Jack: [hums the James Bond theme] The name's Bastard, Alkie Bastard!
- Victor: Vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Seven of them and a kebab!
- Pete the Jakey: By the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it, sniff my manky ring!
- Jack: I think I'll pass on that mission.
- Bobby: Oh look who it is, Batman and Robin!
- Victor: We'll accept that, as long as you go as Catwoman, ya pussy!
- Victor: Jack and me are going back to school.
- Boabby: Its Jack and I.
- Jack: No, its me and Victor.
- Winston: We're no playing 'cairds'. We're playing cards. Cairds are what you play cards wi'.
- Pete the Jakey: Ladies and gentleman, Shug and two Polis.
- Winston: (after Stevie the bookie takes his money) BASTARDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Boabby: [as Winston limps in] Oh dear, if it isnae Long John Silver!
- Winston: If I was Long John Silver, you'd be first to walk the plank, you wank!
- Boabby: One more thing.. don't take ANY pish off them. I never do.
- Eric: Hullo Boabby. You look a prized wanker.
- Winston: (posing as owner of The Clansman) I'll also be getting rid of ma stack o' hardcore porny books. I've read them all noo anyway, and I'm getting too auld for the chuggin'
- Bobby: Ho-ho, it's the two Ronnies.
- Victor: Oh the two Ronnies now? Well then, it's shut-up-ya-prick frae me...
- Jack: ...and shut-up-ya-prick frae him!
- Tam: What're you doin' looking through the letterbox?
- Isa: What am I doin' looking through the letterbox?! Watching one old pal pumpin' the other! We aw know I'm a nosy bastard, but try to concentrate on the bigger picture! What are we gonna dae?
- Navid: What are we goin' to dae? We lure them into the shop, bludgeon them to death, cut aff their balls and hang them from the street lamps as a warning! That kind of filth will no be tolerated in Craiglang!
- Isa: Is that what they do in your country, Navid?
- Navid: No, you nosy cow! We live and let live, and we certainly don't poke our bastard noses through other peoples' letterboxes!
Who's The Daddy?
- Eric: Lager, Boabby!
- Boabby: Shut yer hole, ye dick!
- Navid: ( To Isa ) Braveheart! you look Mel Gibson "They can take our lives, but they'll never take ma handbag!"
- Boabby: [as Jack, Victor and Winston enter] Oh look who it is, Huey, Dewey and Louie.
- Jack: Who?
- Boabby: The Disney characters.
- Jack: Oh right, aye. Well get us three pints, you goofy bastard!
- Jack: (Navid talking about losing business to a rival shop) You've still got us
- Navid: Aye, but let's face it. You're old. Decrepit. You'll be deid within six months. Then where will a be? Now, what can I get ye.
- Jack: Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard!
- Boabby: Oh look, it's Bill and Ben!
- Victor: Two whiskies, you flobadobbing knob end!
- Navid: Get it up you, you value-for-money bastards!
- Navid: You want me to talk to Tam, the most miserable bastard in the world, about changing his ways? Why don't you give me something simple to do, woman?! Like steal the Koh-i-Noor diamond, or climb K2 with Meena strapped to my back?!
One In, One Out
- Victor: Back aff, ya spooky bitch!
- ""Jack"": You called ma Betty a spooky bitch!
- ""Victor"": You're off your tits on morphine, Jack
- Ned: Tenner Feechees.
- Jack: Feechees to you too. Are ye helpin us or whit?
- Ned: Naw. A tenner fae each eh yeses.
- Jack: What aboot John Wayne?
- Victor: John Wayne's an arsehole Jack.
- Jack: Eh?
- Victor: Aye he was an arsehole in the Sands of Iowa Jima tae.
- Clansman Punters: [having learned Jack and Victor are in a Christmas Choir, sung to the tune of "Ding Dong, Merrily on High"] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ya couple of auld POOF-TERS!