I guess that's it for the old locker. She stinks like ass but I'll still miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls.
[refusing Captain Grady's bribe] I'm all highway.
Liter is French for give me some fuckin' cola or I'll break vous's fuckin' lip!
I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!
[when he pulls the sweepstakes ticket off of his cup and finds a hole cut in it] Dammit, you burger punk! You son of a bitch! [Runs over to the counter, jumps over it, and tackles the Dimpus Burger Guy.]
Sorry about that, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
Let me guess- you just humped the mayor's wife and burned down city hall.
[A repeated, sarcastic line, often said with an Irish accent] I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
I scratched your back, Bruce! I scratched it good and hard! Now either you scratch my back, or you get my size ten boot up your ass!
Of *course* they started the fight! Now they've taken a jurisdictional grievance against us! I mean a murder on the highway! And you give them the investigation! Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies!
[About Farva, realizing he has betrayed O'Hagen and the others] We shoulda took him out back and shot him a long time ago.
I invented this gag, Rabbit! Only in my day, the rookie got naked! [Fires the pistol he is holding at a State Police cruiser, shattering a window] And we also used blanks... You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.
Look what I found! A two-by-four!
[Suddenly grabbing the radio while Foster is trying to apologize] URSULA! I'M NAKED!
Driver: Officer, isn't-- isn't the speed limit 65?
Thorny: Yeah, it is. Where you boys headed?
Driver: C-- Canada. We're goin' over the border to Canada for some french fries and gravy, sir.
Thorny: Canada, huh? Almost made it. Are you okay?
Driver: Yeah, sure.
Thorny: Yes, sir?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Thorny: Now, did you say, 'Yes, sir'?
Rabbit: I think he said, 'Yeah, sure.'
Passenger: What'd you say, man?
Driver: Well, I said, 'Yeah, sure,' but what, literally, I said was, 'Yeah, sure, sir.'
Thorny: So you are okay then?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Thorny: You smell somethin', Rabbit?
Rabbit: [Sniffs] Fear.
Thorny: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Thorny: Littering. [holds up bag of marijuana]
Driver: Oh, officer, that's not ours.
Kid in back:[deep groan] Candy bars!
Thorny: Littering and... Littering and... Littering and... [the rest of the car joins in, causing the kid in the back to freak out from the echoes] Littering and smoking the reefer. Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you three smoke the whole bag.
Kid in Back: Please, no.
Rabbit: Please, yes.
[A white Mazda Miata speeds by]
Mac: FUCKIN' PIG!
Thorny: Mother of God.
Foster: Aw, Mac, you fucker!
Mac: Gree-tings. [Laughs] You guys are too slow.
Foster: You killed my dummy.
Thorny: Mac, now I'm going to pay you. But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew it was you the whole time.
Mac: Aw, Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie. It sets a bad example.
Thorny: Foster, where are your shoes?
Foster: What, are you the shoe police now?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar. Lets go.
Foster: Your black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That's brown magic.
O'Hagen: Farva. Forgot the coffee.
Farva: My bad, Cap.
O'Hagen: All right, all right; let's get started. I got the latest shit list, gentlemen. It's down to Flagstone, Deer Lick, and us. And you can bet your sweet butts if we keep up these low numbers, we're gonna get the big, ugly axe.
Mac: Who'll bust heads on the highway?
O'Hagen: The goddamn local cops, that's who! And you better believe that Grady and his goons have got a copy of this list, so we need to step it up.
Farva: Who wants cream? Nobody? Okay, no cream.
O'Hagen: Foster, how many tickets did you issue last week?
Foster: Uh, I don't have my figures here in front of me...
Foster: Can't make 'em speed.
O'Hagen: Try hiding.
Thorny: And grow a goddamn mustache, would ya?
Foster: Hey, I haven't shaved in two weeks! I swear!
Farva: Coffee served! No, no, that one's for Rabbit!
Rabbit: Oh look, a bar of soap.
Farva: Oh ho ho, Shit I got you good you fucker!
Mac:: [With mocking voice and fake lisp] Awesome prank Farva.
Farva: It's better than the shit you pull, Mac!
O'Hagen: Look, guys... every Thursday night I come in here, to play cards, and they always have my favorite game on the table. I like that. I like it here. [Sees the troopers ignoring him] Oh, hell, give me the Goddamn soap! [Grabs the bar of soap Farva placed in Rabbit's coffee cup, bites off a chunk of it and spits it out] We got fifty miles of highway here! That stretch of highway is ours, and I'll be damned if we're gonna let Grady and those buttheads get their hands on it! Thorny, you're the ranking officer here. Let's do our jobs and keep this place open, huh?! Let's do it! Farva! Your suspension continues. Hit the radio!
O'Hagen: I just got off the phone with Tom McCardle From the budget committee. This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.
Thorny: What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian.
O'Hagen: We're all in the same boat, fellas.
Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.
Thorny: Yeah, his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
Foster: Which wouldn't make them shenanigans at all, really.
Mac: [Irish voice] Evil shenanigans!
O'Hagen: I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy that says 'shenanigans!'
Mac: Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans'?
Mac, Foster and Thorny: Oooooooooooooooooo! [Laughing, Mac hands O'Hagen his gun.]
Farva: You're talking about Shenanigans', right?
O'Hagen: Put those away!
Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
Farva: It's powdered sugar.
Grady: The lice ... hate the sugar. So anyway-
Farva: [Interrupting] It's delicious.
Grady: Good, good...
Mac: Come in Radio.
Farva: Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.
Mac: Don't call me Unit 91, Radio!
Farva: ...Are we done?
Mac: Yeah okay Radio. We got a suspicious vehicle, white Caprice, Vermont Plates, Tijuana, Gringo, Oner, Fiver, Zero.
Farva: Roger, checking...Unit 91 that license plate belongs to a local Spurburry police vehicle.
Mac: It does?! Oh my gosh!
Farva: ...Very funny 91.
German Man: I'm sorry officer for the speeding violation, I'm so used to driving on the autobahn.
German Woman: Ich finde er sieht wie Shaun Cassidy aus. [I think he looks like Shaun Cassidy.]
German Man: Ja, das finde ich auch, yummi yummi. [I think so too, yummi yummi.]
Rabbit: Do you know why I pulled you over?
German Man: Because we were going way too fast.
German Man: Ja. Well the thing is I cannot afford to have another ticket on mein Porsche. Is there something I could do for you, or perhaps something my wife could do? Perhaps there is something you would like to do to her?
German Woman: Is there maybe something you would like me to do to you? Or maybe something you would like to do to me? Hmm?
German Woman: Maybe some hard spanking und cuffing is in order.
Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into microphone] Double baca cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?
Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good. [into microphone] Don't spit in that cop's burger.
Farva:' Yeah, thanks.
Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.
Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?
Farva: Gimme a liter o' cola.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into the mic] Liter Cola? Do we sell Liter Cola?
Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?
Farva: I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!
Dimpus Burger Guy: [to Farva] I don't know what that is!
Farva: [enraged and grabbing the Dimpus Burger Guy] Liter is French for give me my fuckin' cola before I break vous fuckin' lip!
Rabbit: Wait, so the local cops are selling Afghany grass to the Canadians? Assholes.
Thorny: No Rabbit, it's coming in from Canada.
Rabbit: Ah! Canadian grass. [nods] Assholes.
Thorny: The local mothers are running protection for 'em.
Rabbit: Oh. I guess I'm the asshole then...
[Captain O'Hagen is watching security camera footage from the Dimpus Burger that Farva and Thorny recently visited. An enraged Farva repeatedly attacks the Dimpus Burger Guy with food, cups, etc. despite the efforts of Thorny and Dimpus Burger employees to restrain him.]
O'Hagen: That's it- you're off the road, never again.
Farva: Sir, it was not my fault!
O'Hagen: And neither was the Goddamn school bus! You know, there was a time we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose; now you got your Goddamn unions.
Farva: Cap, you know I'm not a pro-union guy.
O'Hagen: And you're banned from Dimpus Burger!
O'Hagen: Get some gloves. From now on, you're my cleaning lady. BEAT IT!
O'Hagen: Look, I'm done dickin' around. Either you let us in on this investigation or I'm going to embarrass you personally.
Grady: Oh, what? Like naked in a dream, embarrassed?
O'Hagen: No, no. More like back in '77 when you got caught fuckin' your cousin, embarrassed.