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Mary Katherine Gallagher
- These are my BREASTS. They're so BIG. I need a BRA to strap them and support because they're so HUGE they need to be hooked and strapped for support. My big boobs, this one is bigger than this one 'cause is the mommy and that's the baby, and this one is very nice to this one and they hold hands because they're FRIENDS, okay?
- Are you aware that I am rubber/glutter, and you are glue, and whatever you say to me bounces off, of me, and sticks to you? So put that in your, back pocket.
- Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!
- [to Evian] Well, you should be embarrassed because your parents named you after bottled water!
- [to Evian] If I was Sissy Spacek in the movie Carrie, I'm gonna use my telekinesis to KILL you!
- Your birthmark looks like shit!
- [to Evian] Go drink a bottle of yourself!
- Grandma Gallagher: Mary Katherine, what are you doing?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who poured pigs' blood on me at the prom.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, my God!
- Jesus: Oh, my me, how are you?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: It's going OK. Are you the Lord?
- Jesus: Well, to you, I am. See, technically, you're like in this REM sleep state, and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God, some past authority figures, uh, Sky/sky, and your dad. Basically, your subconscious came up with me to help you deal. Dig?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah... uh, you want a glass of water or something?
- Jesus: No, I'm good. I'm God!
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh. Right.
- [Evian is receiving Communion.]
- Father Ritley: Body of Christ.
- Evian Graham: Are these non-fat?
- Father: Thomas Smith?
- Thomas: Here! But I don't know where here is man, 'cause I'm so wasted man!
- Father: Thomas, it is a sin to even pretend that you-you-you're baked.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: So what really happened to your parents?
- Slater: They were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: That happens a lot.
- Father Ritley: Mary Katherine, what was that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: I told her to move her big white butt or I would cold cock her honky ass.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher doing a Bully Voice: Oh look at you, my pretty little girl, sitting there with your face all painted up in your little halter top, you're nothing but a little slut.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher doing a Puerto Rican Lady Voice: Don't call me that, I'm a Puerto Rican lady senior.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher doing a Bully Voice: You're nothing but a little slut, Sybill Ann Dorsett, we know you're a little slut!
- Mary Katherine Gallagher doing a Puerto Rican Lady Voice: I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut, I AIN'T NO SLUT! (breaks the door, falls on the ground and cries.)
- Molly Shannon as Mary Katherine Gallagher
- Will Ferrell as Sky Corrigan/Jesus
- Harland Williams as Eric Slater
- Elaine Hendrix as Evian Graham
- Mark McKinney as Father Tylenol Ritley
- Glynis Johns as Grandma Gallagher