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Support Your Local Sheriff!

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Support Your Local Sheriff! is a 1969 comic western film.

Dialogue

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Tom Jeffreys: All this may seem very amusing to the Mayor and the members of the Town Council, but we mine-owners haven't had a thing to laugh about since we started here!
Olly Perkins: We don't think it's funny, Tom- we just don't know what to do about it.
Tom Jeffreys: For that matter, what we need is a new Mayor and a Town Council that does know what to do about it!
Olly Perkins: Now, what kinda talk is that?! We all know the only reason I'm Mayor and the other two are Councilmen, is because nobody else wanted the job. And don't forget, Tom, we're all mine-owners ourselves!
Tom Jeffreys: Well, do you enjoy giving twenty percent of everything you take out of the mines to the Danby family?
Henry Johnson: Why would we enjoy it?
Tom Jeffreys: Well, alright then! Let's do something about it!
Olly Perkins: What? You all know the situation! [gestures at a map] There's us, here in Calendar, and there's Galena where we've gotta ship our gold- and there's the Danby ranch, halfway in between! The road even runs through their property.
Tom Jeffreys: Alright, fine, then we'll build the road around their property.
Olly Perkins: HOW?! They own that whole valley!
Fred Jackson: Besides, if they don't get their twenty percent, they just hold up every stage that comes through, and take all of it!
Tom Jeffreys: Alright, but we've gotta do something! Even if it means bringing troops in here!
Olly Perkins, Henry Johnson, Fred Jackson: Troops?!
Olly Perkins: What troops? From where? The nearest troops are five hundred miles away!
Tom Jeffreys: Alright, then we recruit our own.
Olly Perkins: How? We can't even recruit enough dishwashers, so how are we gonna raise any troops?
Henry Johnson: Nobody wants to stop prospecting long enough to take a bath, let alone join an army.
Olly Perkins: It all happened so fast, we haven't had a chance to really get organized yet.
Fred Jackson: [nods] And the Danbys are taking advantage of it.
Henry Johnson: [points out the window] There goes one of 'em now.
Fred Johnson: Which one's he?
Olly Perkins: Joe. Out of the father and three brothers, he's about the second-toughest.
Henry Johnson: They all act like they own the place.
Tom Jeffreys: [darkly] The way things are set up right now, they do. And it's gonna stay that way, 'til we can find ourselves a sheriff that won't turn tail and run the minute someone takes a shot at him!
Joe Danby: [having just killed a man in a draw at the saloon] Alright, y'all saw it! And it was a fair fight. He drew first... so it's self-defense.
Bartender: Oh, I saw it, Joe, he drew first!
Barfly: Oh, you couldn't call that anything but self-defense!
Jason McCullough: Well, it may have been a lot of things, but self-defense it wasn't. And he didn't draw first; you did.

[Everyone stares at McCullough, stunned; Joe approaches him menacingly]

Joe Danby: ...What do you mean by that?
Jason McCullough: Oh, it's an old trick. You did it pretty well; not really well, but pretty well. You feinted him into drawing with your left shoulder, while you were going for your gun with your right hand. It's an old Arizona trick, but I- I have seen it used as far north as Montana.
Joe Danby: [nods]... Are you callin' me a liar?
Jason McCullough: Well, now you heard every word I said, and not once did I call you a liar. All I said was, you feinted him with your left shoulder into going for his gun while you were going for yours with your right hand.
Joe Danby: So what?
Jason McCullough: You beat that poor man to the draw. [coldly] He's dead, and you're alive; that's the whole idea of the game, isn't it?
Joe Danby:... What's your name?
Jason McCullough: Jason McCullough. What's yours?
Joe Danby: Joe Danby. And you had better remember it.
Jason McCullough: Oh, I'll remember it, Joe. [sarcastically] That's about all I'm gonna do, the rest of my life, is go around remembering your name. [finishes his drink and leaves]
Jason McCullough: Is there some kinda badge that comes with this job?
Olly Perkins: Oh, you bet there is! [he brings it over] I'm afraid it's a little bent-up.
Jason McCullough: Oh, that's no trouble. [examines a bullet-dent in the badge] Must've save the life of whoever was wearing it at the time.
Olly Perkins: Well it sure would've, if it hadn't been for all them other bullets flyin' in from everywhere!

[McCollough, having been appointed the new Sheriff, breaks up a fight by spraying the brawlers with a hose while the Mayor and the Town Council gleefully power the fire-pump]

Jason McCullough: Break it up! [the various mud-covered townspeople stagger apart and stare at him as the water is turned off]
Jake: Whattaya think you're tryin' to do?!
Jason McCullough: Stoppin' a fight.
Jake: Who're you?
Jason McCullough: Ah, I'm the new Sheriff. [gestures to his badge]
Jake: [grins] Oh- we got a new Sheriff! [the townspeople laugh] Let's see if he scares as easy as the last Sheriff.

[He goes for his gun, but McCullough draws faster, firing right next to Jake's boot; Jake and the townspeople all jump.]

Jason McCullough: Now, I want all you people to quit disturbing the peace, and clean up this mess.
Jake: Uh, yes sir. Anything else?
Jason McCullough: You got a name?
Jake: Jake.
Jason McCullough: All right, now Jake, I want you to go down to the men's saloon. There's a fellow in there by the name of Joe Danby. You tell him I remember his name, and he's under arrest for murder. I'll be around to pick him up in about twenty minutes.
Jake: [looking horrified]...You talking to me?
Jason McCullough: You hard of hearin'?
Jake: You want me... to go tell Joe Danby... that he's under arrest for murder?! [McCullough nods] What are you gonna do after he kills me?!
Jason McCullough: Then I'll arrest him for both murders.
Jason McCullough: [Relaxing against a tree] Hey Jake! How do you think we ought to split whatever we find? Sixty-forty?
Jake: [With backpack filled with dynamite and equipment on his back and a wet fish in either hand] Sixty for who, and forty for who?
Jason McCullough: There you see? See what gold does to men? We haven't even found anything, and already we're arguing about it!
Jake: Sixty for who, and forty for who?
Jason McCullough: I just wish you could see the greed in your face.
Jake: What you mean is sixty for you, and forty for me!
Jason McCullough: Well thank you Jake. That's very generous of you.

[Joe sneaks out of the unfinished jail, carrying his revolver and ammunition belt, only to find McCullough leaning against the wall around the corner.]

Jason McCullough: Joe. [Joe jumps and starts to pull his revolver out of the holster] I took the bullets out. You just won't play the game, will you? I keep layin' down the rules, and you don't pay any attention.
Joe Danby: [glowers as he hands over the gun and belt] You just wait 'til my Pa and two brothers find out you got me in here, boy.
Jason McCullough: Oh, I'm lookin' forward to meetin' your whole family. [he leads Joe back inside the jail]
Joe Danby: If it weren't bad enough that I had to get dragged outta that saloon in front of all my friends...
Jason McCullough: Oh, I don't think you have all that many friends that you really need to worry.
Joe Danby: Then I have to sit there in that lousy cell! [he returns to the cell and sits down] Pa's gonna skin me alive for gettin' caught!
Jason McCullough: He don't mind you murdering a man, he just doesn't like you gettin' caught, huh?
Joe Danby: [holds out his wrists as McCullough puts handcuffs on him] I didn't murder anybody, that was self-defense! It was him or me!
Jason McCullough: Well, we'll let the judge decide that. Ah, we...do have a judge around here, don't we?
Joe Danby: We never needed one 'til you came along and ruined everything!
Jason McCullough: Spoiled all your fun, huh, Joe?
Joe Danby: You can say that again! [he notices McCullough emptying bullets from his revolver] Oh, thats funny. [McCullough grins, winks at him and walks away] That's REAL funny!
Pa Danby: That's a lousy jail you got back there.
Jason McCullough: Oh, we're just getting started.

[Jake enters, then jumps when he sees Danby]

Pa Danby: What's he supposed to be?
Jason McCullough: Oh, that's my deputy. [Jake shows his badge]
Pa Danby: Why, just last week he was shovelin' horse- he was workin' around the stables!
Jason McCullough: Well, he's been promoted.
Pa Danby: ...I'm gonna find out what's happenin' to this town! [storms out]
Jake:... What'd Danby want?
Jason McCullough: Oh, he came in, we talked a little while, he went in to see Joe, he came back out, we talked a bit more, then he left. [Jake nods] You know... he strikes me as bein' a lonely man.
Jake: Lonely? Danby?! Why, he's a mean, low-down no-good bushwhacker!
Jason McCullough: There, you see? No wonder he's lonely. [Jake looks confused]
Luke Danby: Why don't the three of us go over there together? I don't care if he is the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere.
Pa Danby: Who says he's the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere?
Tom Danby: Everyone. That's all they're talkin' about, all over town!
Luke Danby: Besides, what could he do against three of us?
Pa Danby: He could kill two of us.
Tom Danby: So who's gonna take care of him?
Luke Danby: Well, who says anybody's gotta take care of him? Why don't we just run him outta town, like we did the last Sheriff?
Pa Danby: Because this one won't go.
Tom Danby: ... You ain't talkin' like yourself, Pa.
Luke Danby: Yeah, it was always you chargin' in, and us two tryin' to hold you back.
Tom Danby: He didn't throw a scare into you, did he, Pa? [Pa glares at him] I- I didn't mean that the way it sounded! I didn't mean, "did he throw a scare into you", I meant... well, what did he do to you, Pa?
Pa Danby: He maybe made me more thoughtful. He maybe made me realize, that now that we've got a little money for the first time in our lives, and- and got a chance to get a whole lot more... this'd be a dumb time to find out who's the fastest with a gun, us or some show-off who might get lucky even if he... even if he weren't good!
Luke Danby: So what are we gonna do about him?
Pa Danby: Ah, there's always some tramp that's good with a gun that can be hired.
Luke Danby: But you always say "the Danbys fight their own battles."
Pa Danby:... Well, maybe I was talking about another branch of the family. (Luke and Tom look confused) Now, I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow, and I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone- I don't want no one to make no martyr out of that sheriff.
Tom Danby:... What's a martyr?
Pa Danby: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry- they didn't use words like that in the third grade, did they?
Tom Danby: How would I know? I never got that far.
Prudi Perkins: I mean, do you remember what this town was like before? Murdering, lynching, miners shooting up the place day and night?
Fred Jackson: And aside from the few things you just mentioned, it wasn't a bad town at all!
[edit]
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