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Support Your Local Sheriff!

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Support Your Local Sheriff! is a 1969 comic western film.

Dialogue

[edit]
Tom Jeffreys: All this may seem very amusing to the Mayor and the members of the Town Council, but we mine-owners haven't had a thing to laugh about since we started here!
Olly Perkins: We don't think it's funny, Tom- we just don't know what to do about it.
Tom Jeffreys: For that matter, what we need is a new Mayor and a Town Council that does know what to do about it!
Olly Perkins: Now, what kinda talk is that?! We all know the only reason I'm Mayor and the other two are Councilmen, is because nobody else wanted the job. And don't forget, Tom, we're all mine-owners ourselves!
Tom Jeffreys: Well, do you enjoy giving twenty percent of everything you take out of the mines to the Danby family?
Henry Johnson: Why would we enjoy it?
Tom Jeffreys: Well, alright then! Let's do something about it!
Olly Perkins: What? You all know the situation! [gestures at a map] There's us, here in Calendar, and there's Galena where we've gotta ship our gold- and there's the Danby ranch, halfway in between! The road even runs through their property.
Tom Jeffreys: Alright, fine, then we'll build the road around their property.
Olly Perkins: HOW?! They own that whole valley!
Fred Jackson: Besides, if they don't get their twenty percent, they just hold up every stage that comes through, and take all of it!
Tom Jeffreys: Alright, but we've gotta do something! Even if it means bringing troops in here!
Olly Perkins, Henry Johnson, Fred Jackson: Troops?!
Olly Perkins: What troops? From where? The nearest troops are five hundred miles away!
Tom Jeffreys: Alright, then we recruit our own.
Olly Perkins: How? We can't even recruit enough dishwashers, so how are we gonna raise any troops?
Henry Johnson: Nobody wants to stop prospecting long enough to take a bath, let alone join an army.
Olly Perkins: It all happened so fast, we haven't had a chance to really get organized yet.
Fred Jackson: [nods] And the Danbys are taking advantage of it.
Henry Johnson: [points out the window] There goes one of 'em now.
Fred Johnson: Which one's he?
Olly Perkins: Joe. Out of the father and three brothers, he's about the second-toughest.
Henry Johnson: They all act like they own the place.
Tom Jeffreys: [darkly] The way things are set up right now, they do. And it's gonna stay that way, 'til we can find ourselves a sheriff that won't turn tail and run the minute someone takes a shot at him!
Joe Danby: [having just killed a man in a draw at the saloon] Alright, y'all saw it! And it was a fair fight. He drew first... so it's self-defense.
Bartender: Oh, I saw it, Joe, he drew first!
Barfly: Oh, you couldn't call that anything but self-defense!
Jason McCullough: Well, it may have been a lot of things, but self-defense it wasn't. And he didn't draw first; you did.

[Everyone stares at McCullough, stunned; Joe approaches him menacingly]

Joe Danby: ...What do you mean by that?
Jason McCullough: Oh, it's an old trick. You did it pretty well; not really well, but pretty well. You feinted him into drawing with your left shoulder, while you were going for your gun with your right hand. It's an old Arizona trick, but I- I have seen it used as far north as Montana.
Joe Danby: [nods]... Are you callin' me a liar?
Jason McCullough: Well, now you heard every word I said, and not once did I call you a liar. All I said was, you feinted him with your left shoulder into going for his gun while you were going for yours with your right hand.
Joe Danby: So what?
Jason McCullough: You beat that poor man to the draw. [coldly] He's dead, and you're alive; that's the whole idea of the game, isn't it?
Joe Danby:... What's your name?
Jason McCullough: Jason McCullough. What's yours?
Joe Danby: Joe Danby. And you had better remember it.
Jason McCullough: Oh, I'll remember it, Joe. [sarcastically] That's about all I'm gonna do, the rest of my life, is go around rememberin' your name. [finishes his drink and leaves]
Jason McCullough: Are you the man I talk to-
Olly Perkins:[not looking up] You’ll have to wait your turn, Mister, there’s three ahead of you-
Jason McCullough: About the job of sheriff? [everyone in the room turns towards him, shocked]
Olly Perkins:...You interested in the job of sheriff?
Jason McCullough: Oh, maybe; how much does it pay?
Customer: Well, none of our sheriffs ever lived long enough to find out! [Everyone else laughs]
Olly Perkins: Uh, boys, why don't you go watch the fight outside? You can go too, Sam. Very good fight out there. [Offers McCullough his hand] I'm Olly Perkins, the mayor here.
Jason McCullough: Jason McCullough.
Olly Perkins: [indicates his three friends as they shake hands] Henry Johnson, Fred Jackson, and Tom Jeffries. And Fred and Henry are members of the Town Council.
Tom Jeffries: And I represent the mine-owners.
Jason McCullough: Nice to meet you, gentlemen.
Olly Perkins: What that fellow said just now, ain't strictly true. We've had three sheriffs in the last six months, but only two of 'em got killed.
Jason McCullough: Well, what happened to the third?
Olly Perkins: Well, he quit, kinda sudden-like. I don't think he had exactly the right temperment for the job.
Olly Perkins:... You ain't said nothing yet about your qualifications for the job.
Jason McCullough: Oh, don't worry, if I take it, you'll be glad you had me.
Olly Perkins: Well, it ain't just the question of you taking the job, it's also a question of you bein' able to handle it!
Henry Johnson: [warningly] Olly, we ain't exactly in a position to be choosy.
Fred Jackson: And him bein' willing to talk about it at all, certainly shows the right attitude!
Olly Perkins: I don't care what it shows! I'm the mayor of this town, and it's my responsibility to hire us a sheriff that's not only got qualifications, but that ain't gonna get himself killed the first time he sticks his nose out the door!
Henry Johnson: We both know that- [He breaks off as McCullough steps away, pulls a washer from one of the hardware shelves, flips it into the air, and fires his revolver at it. Catching it, he passes it to Perkins, who examines it]
Olly Perkins:... What's your point, Mr. McCullough?
Jason McCullough: Oh, no point, just exhibition of marksmanship. The bullet went right through that hole in the center there.
Olly Perkins: Yeah, well, maybe it did, and maybe it didn't.
Jason McCullough: Oh, it did, you can take my word for it.
Olly Perkins: Yeah, well, I'd like to take your word, but... [he goes behind the counter, covers the washer's center with tape, and returns] Would you mind doing it again, Mr. McCullough?
Jason McCullough:... You want me to do it again?
Olly Perkins: If you don't mind.
Jason McCullough: Well, I already shot one hole through your roof-
Olly Perkins: That's all right.

[McCullough shrugs, flips the washer into the air, shoots, catches it and hands it to Perkins- who holds it up to reveal a perfect hole through the tape. The rest of the town council look stunned.]

Olly Perkins:[swallows]... I hope you didn't take offense, at anything I might've said earlier.
Jason McCullough: Oh, not at all.
Jason McCullough: Is there some kinda badge that comes with this job?
Olly Perkins: Oh, you bet there is! [he brings it over] I'm afraid it's a little bent-up.
Jason McCullough: Oh, that's no trouble. [examines a bullet-dent in the badge] Must've save the life of whoever was wearing it at the time.
Olly Perkins: Well it sure would've, if it hadn't been for all them other bullets flyin' in from everywhere!

[McCollough, having been appointed the new Sheriff, breaks up a fight by spraying the brawlers with a hose while the Mayor and the Town Council gleefully power the fire-pump]

Jason McCullough: Break it up! [the various mud-covered townspeople stagger apart and stare at him as the water is turned off]
Jake: Whattaya think you're tryin' to do?!
Jason McCullough: Stoppin' a fight.
Jake: Who're you?
Jason McCullough: Ah, I'm the new Sheriff. [gestures to his badge]
Jake: [grins] Oh- we got a new Sheriff! [the townspeople laugh] Let's see if he scares as easy as the last Sheriff.

[He goes for his gun, but McCullough draws faster, firing right next to Jake's boot; Jake and the townspeople all jump.]

Jason McCullough: Now, I want all you people to quit disturbing the peace, and clean up this mess.
Jake: Uh, yes sir. Anything else?
Jason McCullough: You got a name?
Jake: Jake.
Jason McCullough: All right, now Jake, I want you to go down to the men's saloon. There's a fellow in there by the name of Joe Danby. You tell him I remember his name, and he's under arrest for murder. I'll be around to pick him up in about twenty minutes.
Jake: [looking horrified]...You talking to me?
Jason McCullough: You hard of hearin'?
Jake: You want me... to go tell Joe Danby... that he's under arrest for murder?! [McCullough nods] What are you gonna do after he kills me?!
Jason McCullough: Then I'll arrest him for both murders.
[McCullough and Jake have arrested Joe Danby, after killing two of his henchmen]
Jason McCullough: [addressing the saloon's patrons] Now, is this the kind of town you people want for yourselves? Is this the kind of life you want to lead? I mean, three killings in one saloon alone, and the sun hasn't even gone down yet! Now, any more of this foolishness, and I'm gonna close this place up tight!
Bartender: Yes sir! I wouldn't blame you one bit, sir!
Bartender: Remember what the sheriff said! No more shootin' 'til the sun goes down!
Barfly: Is that what he said?
Bartender: That's close enough, brother! Drinks are on the house!
[loud cheering from the saloon's patrons]
[Jake has reluctantly accepted the job as McCullough's deputy]
Jake: How much money am I makin' at this job?
Jason McCullough: Well, let's see: I'm the sheriff, they're payin' me about a hundred and fifty dollars a month, so that would put your salary at about half that, plus room and board? Plus all the ammunition you'd need to carry out the job. Of course, I haven't checked out your employment with the mayor and the town council yet...
Jake: [eagerly] You mean there's a chance they might turn me down?
Jason McCullough: ...no, I don't think so. [Jake looks crestfallen] No, I think their attitude is gonna be, "if we found somebody cra--willing to take the job, don't rock the boat."
Jake: [grumpily]] You can bet that's what their attitude's gonna be.
Jake: You ever been the sheriff of a town that needed cleanin' up before?
Jason McCullough: No, I haven't.
Jake: You ever been the sheriff of any kinda town?
Jason McCullough: No, not that either. But, the mayor seemed to think that my qualifications suited the job perfectly.
Jake: Yeah, well, he'd've thought that if you was blind in both eyes, and crippled in both legs!
Jason McCullough: I think you've got the situation pegged, Jake.
Jake: How long you been out West?
Jason McCullough: About four years.
Jake: From where?
Jason McCullough: ...the East.
Jake: I was raised up in Indiana!
Jason McCullough: Well, that could be either good or bad.
Jason McCullough: [Relaxing against a tree] Hey Jake! How do you think we ought to split whatever we find? Sixty-forty?
Jake: [With backpack filled with dynamite and equipment on his back and a wet fish in either hand] Sixty for who, and forty for who?
Jason McCullough: There you see? See what gold does to men? We haven't even found anything, and already we're arguing about it!
Jake: Sixty for who, and forty for who?
Jason McCullough: I just wish you could see the greed in your face.
Jake: What you mean is sixty for you, and forty for me!
Jason McCullough: Well thank you Jake. That's very generous of you.

[Joe sneaks out of the unfinished jail, carrying his revolver and ammunition belt, only to find McCullough leaning against the wall around the corner.]

Jason McCullough: Joe. [Joe jumps and starts to pull his revolver out of the holster] I took the bullets out. You just won't play the game, will you? I keep layin' down the rules, and you don't pay any attention.
Joe Danby: [glowers as he hands over the gun and belt] You just wait 'til my Pa and two brothers find out you got me in here, boy.
Jason McCullough: Oh, I'm lookin' forward to meetin' your whole family. [he leads Joe back inside the jail]
Joe Danby: If it weren't bad enough that I had to get dragged outta that saloon in front of all my friends...
Jason McCullough: Oh, I don't think you have all that many friends that you really need to worry.
Joe Danby: Then I have to sit there in that lousy cell! [he returns to the cell and sits down] Pa's gonna skin me alive for gettin' caught!
Jason McCullough: He don't mind you murdering a man, he just doesn't like you gettin' caught, huh?
Joe Danby: [holds out his wrists as McCullough puts handcuffs on him] I didn't murder anybody, that was self-defense! It was him or me!
Jason McCullough: Well, we'll let the judge decide that. Ah, we...do have a judge around here, don't we?
Joe Danby: We never needed one 'til you came along and ruined everything!
Jason McCullough: Spoiled all your fun, huh, Joe?
Joe Danby: You can say that again! [he notices McCullough emptying bullets from his revolver] Oh, thats funny. [McCullough grins, winks at him and walks away] That's REAL funny!
[Pa Danby walks into the Sheriff's office, and pulls his gun on McCullough, who's sitting at his desk]
Pa Danby: I believe you got one of my children in your jail here!
[McCullough responds by putting his finger in the end of Pa's gun's barrel]]
Jason McCullough: How dare you walk into my office and pull a gun on me.
Pa Danby: [shocked] Get your finger outta the end of my gun!
Jason McCullough: How dare you pull a gun on me!
Pa Danby: I said, take your finger outta the end of my gun!
Jason McCullough: Well, until I do, you better take your finger off that trigger, and let that hammer down real slow.
[after a moment, Pa Danby complies; McCullough then snatches the gun from his hand and unloads it, before handing it back]
Pa Danby: If that gun had gone off, it'd have blowed up right in my face!
Jason McCullough: Yeah, well it wouldn't have done my finger a hell of a lot of good, either, would it? What can I do for you, Mr. Danby?
Pa Danby: My son, Joe!
Jason McCullough: Well, it seems Joe murdered a man this afternoon.
Pa Danby: The way I heared it, he killed a man in a fair gunfight!
Jason McCullough: I was standin' right there...
Pa Danby: You was standin' right where?
Jason McCullough: In the saloon, when Joe killed him.
Pa Danby: Well now, that was real smart of him, weren't it?
Jason McCullough: I've been around Joe all afternoon, and I haven't seen him do one smart thing yet. Anything else?
Pa Danby: Can I see him?
Jason McCullough: [smiles] Now, why didn't you take that approach when you first came in? He's right back there.
Pa Danby: [sarcastically] I'm obliged to ye.
Joe Danby: Hi, Pa!
Pa Danby: [staring in disbelief as he enters the unfinished cells] What is this? No bars in the window, no bars in the cell... no bars nowhere! What's keepin' you in here?!
Joe Danby: That guy out there! He won't let me move two inches, without jumpin' down my throat! Besides, he lies to me about whether or not my gun is loaded.
Pa Danby: He does WHAT?!
Joe Danby: Are you gonna get me outta here or not?
Pa Danby: ...Never mind that! Who was it ye killed?
Joe Danby: I don't know his name, he was some bum in the saloon! Besides, he drew first! [pause] What, are you gonna believe me, or are you gonna believe that liar out there?!
Pa Danby: Why don't you shut up?!
Joe Danby: Pa, it wasn't anybody that we know! Pa, you always told me there wasn't a jail been built that could hold a Danby.
Pa Danby: Well, now they built one! [Joe groans in disappointment] You'll have to stay here for a couple of days.
Joe Danby: But we run this town!
Pa Danby: I gotta throw-in with that sheriff that you don't exactly dazzle nobody with your intelligence!
Pa Danby: That's a lousy jail you got back there.
Jason McCullough: Oh, we're just getting started.

[Jake enters, then jumps when he sees Danby]

Pa Danby: What's he supposed to be?
Jason McCullough: Oh, that's my deputy. [Jake shows his badge]
Pa Danby: Why, just last week he was shovelin' horse- he was workin' around the stables!
Jason McCullough: Well, he's been promoted.
Pa Danby: ...I'm gonna find out what's happenin' to this town! [storms out]
Jake:... What'd Danby want?
Jason McCullough: Oh, he came in, we talked a little while, he went in to see Joe, he came back out, we talked a bit more, then he left. [Jake nods] You know... he strikes me as bein' a lonely man.
Jake: Lonely? Danby?! Why, he's a mean, low-down no-good bushwhacker!
Jason McCullough: There, you see? No wonder he's lonely. [Jake looks confused]
Luke Danby: Why don't the three of us go over there together? I don't care if he is the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere.
Pa Danby: Who says he's the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere?
Tom Danby: Everyone. That's all they're talkin' about, all over town!
Luke Danby: Besides, what could he do against three of us?
Pa Danby: He could kill two of us.
Tom Danby: So who's gonna take care of him?
Luke Danby: Well, who says anybody's gotta take care of him? Why don't we just run him outta town, like we did the last Sheriff?
Pa Danby: Because this one won't go.
Tom Danby: ... You ain't talkin' like yourself, Pa.
Luke Danby: Yeah, it was always you chargin' in, and us two tryin' to hold you back.
Tom Danby: He didn't throw a scare into you, did he, Pa? [Pa glares at him] I- I didn't mean that the way it sounded! I didn't mean, "did he throw a scare into you", I meant... well, what did he do to you, Pa?
Pa Danby: He maybe made me more thoughtful. He maybe made me realize, that now that we've got a little money for the first time in our lives, and- and got a chance to get a whole lot more... this'd be a dumb time to find out who's the fastest with a gun, us or some show-off who might get lucky even if he... even if he weren't good!
Luke Danby: So what are we gonna do about him?
Pa Danby: Ah, there's always some tramp that's good with a gun that can be hired.
Luke Danby: But you always say "the Danbys fight their own battles."
Pa Danby:... Well, maybe I was talking about another branch of the family. (Luke and Tom look confused) Now, I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow, and I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone- I don't want no one to make no martyr out of that sheriff.
Tom Danby:... What's a martyr?
Pa Danby: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry- they didn't use words like that in the third grade, did they?
Tom Danby: How would I know? I never got that far. [Pa scoffs and leaves] You remember all them years I was stuck in the second grade.
Luke Danby: Ah, shaddup!
[The Danbys are having a drink in the saloon, after watching the sheriff chase their latest hired gun out of town by throwing rocks at him]
Pa Danby: All right, now he's done it!
Luke Danby: Who?
Pa Danby: That sheriff!
Tom Danby: What's he done?
Pa Danby: He's pushed me too far this time, that's what he's done! I've been bendin' over backwards up 'til now! But that's all finished! [to Luke] You know I've been bendin' over backwards!
Luke Danby: Well, you sure ain't let him push you into no corner, where you could be provoked into losin' your temper.
Pa Danby: Right! But from now on, I'm tired of bein' a nice fella!
Tom Danby: Pa...you been touchin' up your hair again?
Pa Danby: [outraged] Whattaya mean, "again"?!
Tom Danby: [quickly] Nothin'! Just, it looks better in spots, that's all!
Pa Danby: [even more outraged] Whattaya mean, "spots"?!

[The Danbys have tried-and failed- to break Joe out of jail, and end up losing their horses]

Pa Danby: NOW HE'S REALLY DONE IT!
Tom Danby: Who?
Pa Danby: THAT SHERIFF! [Luke tries to help him up, but Pa smacks him away]
Joe Danby: I coulda told y'all that it wasn't gonna work!
Pa Danby: Why not?
Joe Danby: Because they set these bars in too solid!
Pa Danby: Whatta you know about anything?!
Joe Danby: I'm the one that helped set 'em in!
Pa Danby: Whattaya mean, you helped set in them bars?!
Joe Danby: Well, I didn't have nothin' else to do! And they was gonna set the bars in, whether I helped them out or not!
Pa Danby: Yeah, well, they'll hang you, whether you help them out or not!
Joe Danby: Oh, Pa, I don't think they're gonna hang me. I mean, they joke and they laugh about it, but I don't think they're really gonna do it!
Pa Danby: Ah, you'll soon see whether they'll hang you or-
Jake: [comes around the jail with a shotgun] Don't move! What's going on back here?
Pa Danby: Well, that's all I need: some stable-bum orderin' me around! [retrieves his saddle] Now, this is my saddle, and I'm takin' it with me.
Jake: I know it ain't mine, so go ahead.
Pa Danby: [pokes Jake's chest] In just a few days now, I'm gonna take care of you! [leaves]
Jake: What was he tryin' to do- bust you out of here?
Joe Danby: Yeah. And you know Pa. Got a heart as big as the whole outdoors... but he don't have one brain in his poor old head. [Jake looks bewildered]
Prudi Perkins: I mean, do you remember what this town was like before? Murdering, lynching, miners shooting up the place day and night?
Fred Jackson: And aside from the few things you just mentioned, it wasn't a bad town at all!
Prudi Perkins: Well, you might as well forget gettin' any help outta this town! Or from any town, from about a hundred miles around!
Jason McCullough: Well, that covers just about everyone, doesn't it?
Prudi Perkins: They can throw an unarmed girl out of a courtroom, but they can't even defend their own town against a bunch of cutthroats like the Danbys! [Jake enters] Well, what are we gonna do now?
Jason McCullough: "We?"
Jake: Don't turn down any help you can get.
Jason McCullough: How's Joe?
Jake: Oh, he figures he's gonna be out by tomorrow, and we're all gonna be dead.
Jason McCullough: Did he seem to feel any... sorrow, over the fact that we might all be killed?
Jake: No, it's more like he planned to dance and spit, all over our graves.
Jason McCullough: Sounds like Joe.
Jake: That- that sure was a good idea you had about leavin' town.
Jason McCullough: Well, you don't have to stay.
Jake: [firmly] Oh, yes I do. I have to stay if you do, because I took the job!
Jason McCullough: [smiles] So did I.
Jake: I tell you what: I'll even go to Australia with you, if we leave right now!
Jason McCullough: Oh, we'll get to Australia all right, but right now there's some things for us to take care of. Prudi, you really want to help?
Prudi Perkins: Sure!
Jason McCullough: Well, then: I've got a couple of ideas, and if they work, we might just live through this! [leaves]
Jake: ...I sure did like his idea about leavin'.
[edit]
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