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- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone against their will.
- You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
- One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, "son, move over." "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon..." my eye!
- The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I'm thinking, "She's alone, I'm alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?" SO I walk over, I'm walking, I'm wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I'm thinking, "Great. She doesn't listen." So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we're back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that's just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.
- You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you're probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head...I do not." "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time...during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber... 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it's happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. 'Cause nobody believes a midget until it's too late. Cucumber up a man's ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!
- Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
- I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered--I need a girlfriend. 'Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I've ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette's Syndrome. I'm talking to a girl: "hi, how ya doin'. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!"
- Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
- I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how i met your mother."
- The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa..." WRITE IT DOWN!
- If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you're going to look up Hitler in the phone book.
- You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
- Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
- The best you can do is just roll over and let it drip out.
- Cigarettes are a guilty pleasure now. Kind of like tit-fucking a first-cousin. It's wrong, but it feels so right, and you can't do it once you get past airport security.
- It's all about diet. You got to eat right. What's the best thing to eat? Chicken and fish. I'm thinking, why not combine the two: penguin. A penguin's a little bit of both, isn't he? He's a bird, yet he swims, he's a buffet of good health.
- Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
- I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
- Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
- Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Ashlee Simpson. Here's mine. Fucking her sister Jessica while punching her in the throat.
- People always come up to me after a show and ask stuff like, (exasperated) "Hey, bro! You wanna smoke some pot?". I mean, I know it's illegal, but it's not that fucking illegal. If you're gonna say it like that, make it something a little more illegal, like "Hey, bro! You wanna eat a bald eagle? C'mon, there's only like eight of them left! Tastes just like freedom!"
- I was in the Boy Scouts. When you are in the scouts you learn how to survive . . . in any state park in America, I'm talking 200 feet from civilization here people. With nothing but your wits and $1000 worth of camping equipment. Scouts teaches important safety too, like what do you do for a snakebite? Suck out the poison, and with your right hand jiggle his balls!
- Vegas is like spring break for the country. What we need is a religious spring break, just a week to do all the shit we're not supposed to. Catholics! Wear a condom and talk about evolution, live it up. Jews! Eat a hotdog and play a professional sport. Muslims! Get on a plane, let it land.
- There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
- I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
- I should work out, yeah, mm-hmm. I have a gym in my building. Does anyone else live in the 'Y' (YMCA)?
- I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't WANNA go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
- My favorite plane crash, and i know it's wrong to have a favorite, but I'll have to tell ya. About three years ago, off the coast of Colombia, a plane went down. I'll never forget it, because i lost a brick of cocaine in the deal, but that's another story. These people, they went in the ocean, and they say some people were eaten by sharks. How unlucky do you have to be, for the two oddest things ever to happen to you at one time? Did someone fuck a leperchan on that flight? What happened there?
- Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
- Back in the Colonial days, if you did something wrong, they'd put you in the stocks. You know what that is, right? They put your head and arms in this piece of wood, and you'd have to hang out on the streets all day and night, just hanging around like this, right? Can you imagine if they still had that in our cities, grown men just hanging around like that? That would be like some kinda gay cash machine, you know what I'm saying? 'Can you please get off of me? Damn those parking tickets!'
- I'm very romantic when I masturbate! I light a candle, that's right. Then I try and shoot it out! Never invite me to a birthday!
- I'm in a bus station, I'm not bragging, I'm just sitting there, right? You've been to a bus station, it's kinda scary. People walkin' around dirty, wearin' rags, babblin', shakin', droolin'. That's why no one ever blows up a bus station. They get down there, they look around, they're like 'Damn! Someone's already done this bitch, let's get outta here!
- Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
- You know when you're goin' bald, when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down, he's like 'Nice day! You're finished, alright? Beat it!' 'Well, take a tip'. 'No son, that would be stealing.'
- Let's talk about sex now. Whatta ya say, Huh? You have the balls for it? Well, strap em on!
- I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don't know what happened, but i'm sorry.
- They got blow-up women in there, you know that? A guy gave me a blow-up woman, and ya know, at first i was kind of insulted, until he left, but then, i was excited. I only blow her up half-way and pretend i'm fucking a model. yeahhhhhhh!
- I wish i had a parrot. I really do, and i wouldn't teach him dirty words or songs, No. I would teach him phone numbers and addresses, and recipes. I'd use him more like a palm pilot, ya know? Or i'd teach him things that might save my life, ya know, like information, like "In case of an earthquake, get in a doorway. BRRRAAAHHHPP" "No one has freckles on their ass, use a condom. BRRAAAHHHPP" Thank you parrot. Here's a grape."