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- The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
- "One day if I do go to Heaven, I'll look around and say, 'It's not bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'
- Martinis are like breasts, one isn't enough, and three is too many
- The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.
- Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.
- I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.
- A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.