Talk:Jeff Foxworthy

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• People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".

• You moon the wrong person at an office party, and suddenly you're not "professional" any more.

• Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

• You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

• I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"

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Redneck jokes

Jeff's trademark is a series of one-liners denoting ways in which people might be a redneck (which he defines as "a glorious absence of sophistication"). The lines usually take on the format "If [example], you might be a redneck". Many of Foxworthy's "redneck-isms" were given to him by fans. Examples include:

• If you own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't.

• If your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

• If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

• If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. (Jeff then adds, "A little finger pointing going on in the audience.")

• If you've been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

• If you have used a bar stool as a walker. (Ron White raises his hand)

• If you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house. (Jeff raises his hand after Bill, Larry, and Ron point at him - Bill even holds up four fingers)

• If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

• If you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

• If your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.

• If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

• If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

• If you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

• If you go to the family reunion to meet women.

• If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour. (Ron White raises his hand)

• If you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
  • During the first Blue Collar Comedy Tour movie, Bill Engvall follows this one up with "If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy", claiming that his uncle Jack did this.

• If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner. (Ron White raises his hand.)

• If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer. (Bill Engvall fessed up to this, claiming "tequila was involved, get off me" causing Jeff to ask "I wonder how many times his wife has said that.")

• If you work with a shirt off and so does your husband.

• If you own a Waffle House credit card.

• If you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

• If you own a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

• If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

• If you smoked during your wedding.

• If your dog passes gas and you claim it.

• If your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

• If you've ever made change in the offering plate. (Jeff: "Guilty.")

• If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".

• If your working television sits on top of your non-working television.

• If you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

• If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

• If you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

• If you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't. (At this point, Larry the Cable Guy raises his hand; Jeff then adds "Think about that and try to sleep tonight.")

• If somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

• If the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.

• If you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

• If you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.

• If you've ever heard the phrase "come and move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

• If you wear someone else's work shirt.

• If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver. (Jeff had earlier told the story of it happening to the brother of an audience member)

• If you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

• If the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

• If you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

• If your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

• If your family tree does not fork.

• If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

• If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".

• If you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

• If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. (called in by a woman during Jeff's appearance on a radio show in Dallas)

• If you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.

• If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

• If you empty the bed of your pickup truck by driving backwards really fast and then slamming on the brakes. (This is how Bill Engvall moves)

• If you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep. (Engvall admits to doing this while reading The Bridges of Madison County)

• If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

• If someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.

• If you think the last four words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

• If you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.

• If the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

• If going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

• Jeff's 'Here's Your Sign' Joke (from Blue Collar Comedy Tour)

Jeff: I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."