Larry the Cable Guy
Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963), better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor. He is one of the co-stars of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which also includes Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, and Ron White, with whom he has starred on Blue Collar TV.
- [In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!
- Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!
- This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!
- Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.
- That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!
- Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!
- (intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. (p. 1).
- I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2).
- A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis. (p. 5).
- Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true? (p. 11).
- I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties! (p. 113).
- I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, "You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!" (p. 131).
- Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! (p. 197).
- [M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical! (p. 230).
Morning Constitutions (2007)
- I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
- My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
- I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.
- I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stack of scratch-off tickets, I'll tell you what.
- Them [gas] prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.
- You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.
- At first I didn't even realize she was pregnant. I kinda gotten used to her throwing up every time we had sex...
- She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, "When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." And I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" That's full circle, right there! I did feel bad. That's tough. I'm tellin' ya. I felt horrible for her. Just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing and sweating, biting down on a stick...Ugh! Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets. You ever eat them Hot Pockets? Good Lord! I was backed up like a urinal on Saint Patrick's Day after eating them damn things. It was embarrassing. She's in the bed, giving b-[Grunting] I'm on the toilet next to her, [grunting] You know? I'm like "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"
- Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
- Good Lord, I went in for a check up the other day and the doctor said "You need to lay off eggs." I go "Is my cholesterol bad?" He said "No, your farts are killing everybody in this room."
- You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.
- I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.
- You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. [very loud applause] It's upsetting. Unbelievable. They got absolutely nothing in common except both diapers are full of crap.
- If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [gay voice] Say hello to my little friend.
- Had a buddy of mine caught a rainbow trout, and threw it back. He said he didn't want a gay fish.
- I like to hunt. We went to a nuclear power plant and hunted in the woods next to it. I got a 34-point rabbit in there. We always go at night. It's easier. All the critters glow in the dark out there.
- [about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit got to do with underbritches? I guess it's to remind us when we take them down we go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit today. I guess."
- That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
Tailgate Party (2009)
- A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.
- I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. (laughs) I might as well have just used the dollar.
- Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?
- OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
- I was madder then a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
- Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.
- We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard.
- I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"
- Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? "Robinson! Get in there!"