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- Let's get this straight: all entertainment is manufactured. There is no authenticity in any of it.
- We can quantify the deaths caused by both communism and fascism, but we will never know how many deaths have been the result of capitalism; of nothing more noble than a rich man wanting to be even richer, and sacrificing the health and lives of millions of workers to achieve this. Don't even try to count how many people capitalism has killed, because not only will you not know where to begin, but also it will never end.
- "The vast majority of paid labour, especially since the destruction of the trades unions, is a massively unfair exploitation of the people who actually keep the country going - and who could bring it to a standstill if they weren't so bloody patient - by the people who get million-pound bonuses for doing sod-all, and who no one would miss if they all dropped dead tomorrow of expense-account heart attacks."
- "I didn't want to get bitter about thin girls, as the saddest sort of fat woman does - when being irrevocably overweight becomes a selfless (hah!), spread-the-gospel crusade, rather than a result of giving in to one's adorably animal appetites."
- "All sensible people will readily admit that to be an American is an essentially hellish and moronic state to which no one in their right mind would aspire. To be born British, especially, and aspire to this low condition would seem rather like throwing a platinum bracelet back in the face of an admirer and demanding a Perspex bangle instead."
- "You can never be too anti-American, or too thin."
- "A sensible socialist should have no more scruples about watching the execution of a child murderer than she should have about watching the execution of the heads of the world banks."
- "Socialism is meant to be about supporting the underdog, and whatever way you slice it, the underdog in a violent crime situation is the victim and not the perpetrator. Liberals never fail to amuse me - you'll hear them banging on about how dreadful racial and homophobic attacks are, and then when you suggest that the people who carry out such attacks should be incarcerated until they're unable to lift a half-brick without rupturing themselves, they pull a switcheroo and the rabid racist/homophobe suddenly becomes a poor deprived victim of society!"
- "Of course, I don't go along with mad old Mugabe in believing that this Government is made up exclusively of effeminate homosexuals, but you must admit that it has a higher proportion of Softies than any in recent memory - even our rampantly heterosexual leader always took the female parts in school plays, and was known by jealous classmates at various points in his education as both "Emily" and "Miranda". And as we know from the work of artists as varied as Genet, Pasolini and Isherwood, there's nothing like being a Softie oneself to make one admire the thug, the brute and the bully. This sad syndrome is currently a great force in popular culture, as well as in politics. The sorry spectacle of public schoolboys making films about how well-dressed, witty and cool working-class sociopaths are continues with the forthcoming Snatch, the latest film by Guy Ritchie, whose mother is a Lady, whose sister is a Tabitha, and who obviously got that impressive-looking scar by falling off his pony and landing on his silver spoon."
- "Of course, chicken tikka masala isn't even Indian: just a brightly-coloured, kitsch creation designed to appeal to the sweet tooths of the Brits, the sauce produced in huge vats by a thriving corporation. Deracinated, ersatz, malleable, blanded-out in the all-important pursuit of profit - no wonder New Labour approves. After all, you are what you eat."
- "I don't have to respect anyone's religion on principle any more than I have to respect people's politics if I find them bigoted. I will decide what I respect or not on the basis of whether that philosophy respects other people's rights, regardless of their colour or sex. In return, I don't want or need anyone to be bullied into respecting what I believe in. So long as they don't interfere with my right to believe in Him, they can call my God all the names under the sun. My faith is sufficiently strong that I won't run off to Headmaster Blair to tell the nasty mockers to stop it."
- "Scratch a Croat, find a Kraut."
- "In thirty years time, will you have drag queens dressing up as Sandra Bullock? Don't think so!"