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- My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife came home and found us in bed together.
- The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour--ha ha ha ha ha--they'll take you away, man. You can't.
- If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
- If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
- A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" I dunno... it was one of those parties that got out of hand, you know?
- Since they condone capital punishment, I want them to stop bitching about Jesus getting nailed up.
- If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
- Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- If white America told the truth for one day, its whole world would fall apart.
- I didn't do it, man, I only said it.
- - To police on the occasion of his arrest for saying "cocksucker" at San Francisco's Jazz Workshop, 1961
- A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it.
- "Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.
- Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
- The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
- I'm sorry if I wasn't very funny tonight. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.
- The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.
- Communism is like one big phone company. If you get too rank with them, you'll wind up with a dixie cup and a thread.
- There are never enough "I love you's."
- I want the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me that fucking is dirty and no good.
- I want to help you if you have a dirty word problem. There are none.
- I don't want every break in the world. I just want justice.
- If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
- If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.
- We Jews killed Christ.And if he comes back,we'll kill him again.