Talk:Lenny Bruce

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Unsourced

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My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife came home and found us in bed together.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour--ha ha ha ha ha--they'll take you away, man. You can't.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" I dunno... it was one of those parties that got out of hand, you know?

Since they condone capital punishment, I want them to stop bitching about Jesus getting nailed up.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

If white America told the truth for one day, its whole world would fall apart.

I didn't do it, man, I only said it.

- To police on the occasion of his arrest for saying "cocksucker" at San Francisco's Jazz Workshop, 1961

A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it.

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

I'm sorry if I wasn't very funny tonight. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.

Communism is like one big phone company. If you get too rank with them, you'll wind up with a dixie cup and a thread.

There are never enough "I love you's."

I want the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me that fucking is dirty and no good.

I want to help you if you have a dirty word problem. There are none.

I don't want every break in the world. I just want justice.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

We Jews killed Christ.And if he comes back,we'll kill him again.

Dixie Cup

I don't know of a recording where Bruce compares the phone company to Communism. However, on the posthumous album "The Lenny Bruce Originals Vol. 2" is a recording, "The Phone Company," where Bruce says "I really don't dig the phone company anyway. It's a monopoly. If you get too hot with the phone company, you'll end up with a Dixie cup and a thread!"