Talk:Lewis Black

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just love Lewis Black. I'm part part of his generation, and can relate to almost everything he says. My 21 year old son and I listen to him a lot, and even exchanged CD's for Christmas this year. We quote him often.

Just removed: Me: "Hey, good luck on the show tonight." Lewis Black: "Oh thanks, man." - On a Kennedy Airport plane going to the 2005 "Just for Laughs" Festival in Montreal, CA for obvious reasons.

Sobreiro 02:24, 18 August 2006 (UTC)

Cleanup tag[edit]

This page should be organized by the source of the quotes (where known), rather than by subject. Organizing them by subject is fine where the source is not known. While I know that other pages, such as Mitch Hedberg, are organized by subject, but in those cases, the sources are usually not listed. Since many of Lewis Black's quotes shown here also list the source, it should be organized according to the template (e.g. Sourced, Unsourced, etc.). The formatting of the sources listed also needs to be cleaned up. ~ UDScott 18:41, 2 November 2006 (UTC) - This cleanup tag should be removed now that the issue has been resolved.

Quote length and sources[edit]

-Some of the longer quotes need to be shortened. They should be 1-2 sentences if possible.

-Sources should include date of the original performance or when it was first broadcasted. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Ghost stalker (talkcontribs) 04:54, 5 January 2007 (UTC)

Unsourced quotes[edit]

The following quotes have been removed from the article and transferred here because of sourcing problems: 1) Unsourced; 2) Daily Show (to be sourced by episode); 3) Comedy Central Presents (to be sourced by episode). Quotes that were too long were deleted. If any of these quotes are put back in the article without sourcing, they will be removed again. - InvisibleSun 02:40, 14 September 2008 (UTC)


  • The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'
    • On Boston Traffic
  • Turns out we've all been eating the wrong thing... since the dawn of civilization!
    • On The Atkins Diet
  • But those aren't the flavors. That'd make too much sense. Apple and pear, according to Dr. Phil, are body types the bars are made for. Hey, I've got some advice. If you look like an apple or a pear, eat an apple or a pear!
    • On Dr. Phil’s energy bars
  • Bill Gates: "The goal is to give every child the same education opportunities that I had"
    Lewis Black: "YOU DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL!!"

Comedy Central Presents[edit]

  • I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'
  • It's ridiculous that we still have a hole in the ozone layer. We have men, we have rockets, we have Saran Wrap - FIX IT!! And don't come back until you do.
  • What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
  • In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John Kennedy to Albert Gore. Now if that is evolution, I believe that in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.
  • When Bill Clinton got into his mess, pretty much every American wanted Bill Clinton punished. They didn't want him impeached, but they wanted something like a spanking or something. So they turned to the Republicans and said, 'Come on! Get the little prick!' And the Republicans took out their guns, got him in their sights, turned the guns around (points gun at his head), and went 'BAM!'
  • I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'
  • If that's what education is and that's 47th, what is education if it's 50th? What could they possibly be teaching? I think what they do is, they take the kids to school in Arkansas; they feed 'em Coco Puffs for three hours, then they open the door to the school, and let the kids run, and run, and run, and who ever hits the most trees gets an A. Oh look, Johnny poked his eye out! Honor roll!
  • Jerry Falwell was crazy before, and if you didn't know that I'd like you to wear aluminum foil so we know who you are.
  • The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
  • I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!
  • Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'
  • When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!
  • Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
  • N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same STATE as eachother!
  • I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
  • The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging. –
  • Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, gray, rain, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day, and you go, 'I'm not comin' into work today!' Your boss goes, 'Why not? You sick?' 'No! It's too gray!'
  • Then you wake up and it's the grayest day you've ever seen! And the next day, it's even grayer! And that's usually Valentine's Day, and that's the day you look at your wrists and go, 'Hey, maybe I should slit 'em to see color!'
  • They’re extraordinary, they’re like mystery stories! You don’t even know what they’re selling, until the very end. Three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself- buy a bike!
    • On Super bowl commercials
  • You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'AHAHAHA! Son of a bitch! That was great!'
  • They believe if they kill themselves that they will be met in Heaven by 70 some odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith. To think that that would happen. When I haven't met one ON EARTH!

The Daily Show[edit]

  • A week ago today, the northeast experienced the biggest blackout in history. And since then, everyone's been sharing their stories of how they got through the blackout. And I'd just like to say to them: SHUT UP!
  • Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
  • Contrary to myth, there won't be a baby boom nine months from now. Population researchers say there's no proof that people have more sex when the power goes out. I know I didn't have any sex during the blackout. How could I? MY COMPUTER WASN'T WORKING!
  • Oh my God! Wal-Mart's about to MARCH ON POLAND!
  • Children's characters seeking acceptance means they're gay? That'll come as news to Ferdinand, Simba, the Ugly Duckling, Cinderella, and Rudolph.
  • Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
  • This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, WHO CARES? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, WITH THE CAR I JUST STOLE! Now, THIS is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for PUSSIES!