Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable, precise and verifiable source for any quote on this list please move it to Lily Tomlin. --Antiquary 18:25, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
- Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
- I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.
- I may be schizophrenic, but I'll always have each other.
- I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me... In some ways I don't even identify myself in any kind of limited way. I don't want to. I wish none of us had to. I wish we were just people.
- I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then — we elected them.
- Thank God kids never mean well.
- The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- There will be sex after death; we just won't be able to feel it.
- Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
- We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
- When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don't feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.
As "Ernestine" the telephone operator
- One ringy dingy... two ringy dingy.
- Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?
- The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year, everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.
- How may I, in all humble servitude, be of assistance?
- We're the phone company. We don't care; we don't have to.
- What's that Mr. Veedle? Privileged information?... that's so cute.
- You're dealing with the phone company, Mr. Veedle. We are not bound by city, state, or federal regulations. We are omnipotent.
- You are not dealing with just anyone's fool. I am a high-school graduate.
- Don't hang up. You've angered me, and when you anger me you anger the phone company and all the power necessary to tie up your lines for the next fifty years. Do I make myself clear?
- Well Mr. Bush, it may be true that Mr. Kerry avoided being in a war, but at least he didn't start one.
- At a political event doing a sketch pretending to transfer a call by George W. Bush