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- A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
- A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
- A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
- Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
- I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
- If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Laughter is an instant vacation.
- The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
- You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- They have a great new device for TV weathermen. It's called a window.
- You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.