A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
They have a great new device for TV weathermen. It's called a window.
You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.