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  • So I live in this apartment that's disgusting – it's really dirty. And the kitchen floor is, like, sticky. And I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some, uh, slippers.
  • This is not the first time that Europe has been passive while a Jew-hating tyrant with a weird looking mustache killed the people by giving them gas. [Pause] Obviously I'm talking about Chef Boyardee.
    • On the US-Iraq war of 2003
  • I've had an abortion – sorry, abortions, or is it aborti?
    • Hammersmith Apollo, 19th October 2008
  • I was at a fundraiser for Barack Obama in Los Angeles and I wanted to have a really smart question to ask when I met him, so I wandered over and said, "Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, Massachusetts did you encounter racism in any form?" And his answer was really profound. He said, "I'm Kanye West." So I said, "I'm Kanye West, we're all Kanye West." I got it.
    • Hammersmith Apollo, 19th October 2008
  • If you refer to yourself as a Diva, then you're not a Diva. You're just a Cunt.
    • Realtime with Bill Maher
      • This one has been sourced and restored.