Talk:Spike Milligan

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Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable and precise source for any quote on this list please move it to Spike Milligan.

  • A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
  • Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.
  • I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes — at least that exists.
  • How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
  • My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

-From Spike's collection of War Diaries

  • The man has no talent. The only nice thing I can wish him is an early death
    • About British DJ and television presenter Chris Evans when Milligan appeared on Room 101
  • World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!
  • The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit.
    • Commentary on a poem
  • I'm fucking Irish!
    • When a fan asked him for the autograph of the funniest Englishman ever.
  • Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
    • Commentary on Scotland

On life and death[edit]

  • When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.
  • Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
  • Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.
  • All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.
    • In a fax to Harry Secombe. Harry did go before Spike, but Harry Secombe sang at Spike's funeral from a recording.

On royalty[edit]

  • Oh, the little grovelling bastard.
    • Response at the British Comedy Awards in 1994 after the reading of a letter from Prince Charles congratulating him on his Lifetime Achievement Award
  • I suppose a knighthood is out of the question then?
    • Fax to Prince Charles shortly afterwards
  • I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.
    • Upon receiving his CBE
  • Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead.

Other quotes[edit]

  • We're Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Ratties!
  • There's no such thing as anything, and sometimes even less!
  • The small of my back is too big
  • My ribs give me claustrophobia
  • I don't like jam, I don't want it to know where I am
  • I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.