Talk:The L Word

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I think the "liquor in the front, poker in the rear" quote is actually from season 4, episode 6, "Luck Be a Lady", not season 1 or 2 as stated here. Dtobias 18:42, 24 October 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, it's at 14:35 in that episode, and Papi is the one who says it. (Maybe there's an earlier episode where Shane says it that's the origin of the entry here?) Dtobias 01:09, 26 October 2009 (UTC)


Seasons 1 and 2[edit]

Shane: [To Cherie Jaffe] You know, my entire life people have said that I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. And I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself, and I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.

[Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding]
Tonya: Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.
Sharon Fairbanks: No, she didn't
Tonya: Well... his name was Bayard, he was smart and successful, he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me... Now I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard work up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?
Irwin Fairbanks: Damned if I do.
Tonya: He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".
[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]

Alice: [whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.

Alice: [sitting down in a cafe to enjoy a nice afternoon with one another because The Planet is closed] Does she know that we're having coffee?
Dana: Um... She's in New Port beach with her family.
[Alice nods]
Dana: No... no she doesn't know but, I'm not hiding it.
Alice: Well, if she was at the beach we could have met at your place, like the good old days.
[waves fist in the air]
Dana: But, we have rules and we're trying to follow them.
[looking down at the table, or anywhere else that's not Alice's face]
Alice: Does that mean that you're finding it difficult?
[also looking away from Dana]
Dana: No... no not at all, you?
Alice: Piece of cake.
[they look at each other and smile]

Alice: [Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike] "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"

[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits]
Bette: Shit. I feel like I did this.
Tina: No, look she's having fun!
Bette: She's being mounted!

Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Shane: [Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see annoying Tonya walk in] Oh shit.
Alice: [Looking over and seeing Tonya] Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset.
Shane: What? What?
Alice: [Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane and pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down] Put your arm around me!
[Shane does]
Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... [she tries to sound like she's crying while Shane continues to pretend to comfort her] ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment... I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.
[Shane shakes her head, still going along]
Tonya: Guys! You guys!
[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]
Tonya: This place is falling apart! [gasps] Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Tonya: [completely shocked] Bette is still *schtuping* the carpenter?

Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.
Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.
Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.
Shane: Huh.
Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...
Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.
Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!
Shane: Her hair.
Dana: Ah.

Kit: Let me talk to Tina.
Bette: What would you say?
Kit: That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more.
Bette: You could give it a try.
[Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry]
Kit: Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.

Alice: Dana.
[short pause]
Alice: You have a really nice ass.
[slowly moves her hand and touches Dana's ass]
[they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background]

[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]
Helena Peabody: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

[after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to]
Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?
Alice: Get out of my house.
Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself.
[starts to leave]
Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.

Alice: [talking about admitting that they are attracted to each other] Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it.
Dana: [they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it] I think we need to take the second step. [she jogs off]
Alice: [nodding] Yeah, okay.
Alice: [little bit later on] We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive.
Dana: Mm-hmm.
Alice: We need, like... rules of un-attraction.
Dana: Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.
Alice: Right! Never be alone together.
Dana: Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch.
Alice: Right, or - or - a table... or a floor...
[Dana smiles]
Alice: Or the backseat of a car.
Dana: [smiling] Ooh, that'd be good.... That wouldn't be good!
Alice: Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.
Dana: You like that? [Alice raises her eyebrows] Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more.
Alice: What shirts?
Dana: You know, the ones where... [grinning] they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others? ;;
[Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes]
Dana: Fuck you.
Alice: Okay, that's totally against the rules.

'Bette: [to Alice about her thing with Gabby who treats her like crap] It has to end.
Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.
Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but... it's... she's just, y'know....
Tina: Treating you like shit, Al.
Alice: Maybe, it's just...
Bette: No. It's just you deserve better.
Alice: I do?
[everyone makes a face]
Alice: Alright, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.
Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple.
Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder.
Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.
Alice: I know. It's just...
Bette: [firmly] It's just nothing.
Tina: What are you gonna do?
Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her...
Bette: No asking.
Tina: What are you gonna tell her?
[Alice laughs]
Tina: You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."
Bette: [continuing] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."
Tina: "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."
Bette: "So step off, bitch!"
[Dana and Alice crack up, Bette gets up to answer her phone]
Tina: Do it.

[Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas]
Jenny: I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'.
Abraxas: So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear?
Jenny: I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming.
Abraxas: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain.
[Scenes of people at the party telling lies]
Abraxas: Everybody's a liar, dear.

Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?
Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.
'Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?
Alice: [enunciating] I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?
Alice': All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!
[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]
Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?

Jenny: [Takes a sip of water] I never said I was a lesbian.
Annette: So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except, dude, I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick.
Jenny: I think I'm bisexual.
Annette: Oh brother...
Jenny: [Interrupting] I do... I really do.
Annette: Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?
Jenny: Annette... no.
Annette: [smiling] You're lying... You were madly in love with me. [she turns back to the mirror] Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it...
Jenny: [smiling] No...
Annette: Yeah.
Jenny: Oh no...
Annette: Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalk her jenny just a little bit so I can see.
Jenny: no, no, no... no stalking.
Annette: Why?
Jenny: Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.
Annette: Her girlfriend!
Jenny: I know...
Annette: Man, does this story get any better?

Bette: [voiceover at her and Tina's support group] What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?

Dana: Slander against cats. Write that down.

[to Alice about using a strap-on]
'Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

Shane: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Bette: [entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?
Tina: [smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.
Bette: [calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]
Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fuckin' blind?

Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles]
Tina: He looks a little strange.
Alice: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.

Tina: [regarding the baby's last name] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?
Bette: What, like, "Portard"?
Tina: Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"

Peggy Peabody: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.
Bette: [smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.
Peggy Peabody: Send me one, would you Bette?

Bette: [Bette and Tina are talking on the phone] And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell.
[Tina doesn't respond. Instead, she looks around impatiently, no longer looking interested in the call]
Bette: Oh, please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina.
Tina: [frustrated] Bette.
Bette: Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?
Tina: It's none of your fucking business.
Bette: Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire.
Tina: Yeah, and a dragon.
Bette: That's right. She is a monster. However you wanna categorize it, she likes to fuck with people for sport and...

[on admitting that he is gay]
Burr Connor: I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

[interviewed by Mark]
Carmen: My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay was back in high school when I fell in love with Lucia Torres, who was the girlfriend of Paco Fernandez, the toughest guy in school. She was one to be avoided by all the others, for Paco ruled the school. It was a unofficial rule: no-one screws with Paco's girl...but I did.

Jenny: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?
Moira: It's crossed my mind...

Season 4[edit]

Bette: Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup!?

Max: I don't expect Carmen to forgive Shane anytime soon, but I do. So should you. I mean, I forgive you.
Jenny: What? What the fuck do you forgive me for? I haven't changed who I am, Max.

Max: I just don't know why we can't work it out.
Jenny: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

Waiter: Refill?
Helena: [Wistfully] No, I don't think I can afford it.
Alice: Helena, it's free.

Helena: [Tearing up] I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

Jenny: There's Gabby Deveaux.
Helena: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
Alice: Yeah, she's a whore.

Alice: [reading OurChart IM] "Tonight 10pm I'll be there, will you?" Sure you will, Papi.
Tina: You call your computer "Papi?"
Alice: Oh No, it's this girl on OurChart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been?
[Tina laughs]
Alice: Ohhh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of heteroville. That's right.
Tina: [sarcastically] Yes, it's so scary.
Alice: Oooh, scary.
Tina: I think I remember you lurking around there a couple years ago.
Alice: Yes, but I did come to my senses. That's the difference between you and me.

Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
Shane: Really? Well then, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
Shane: What?

Jenny: And do you know what "Merkin" means, Jolene? Vagina wig. That's what her name means.

Helena: I will pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects.

Bette: [laughing on the phone] Oh my God, that sounds awful. She did NOT say "a mixer for our gay and our straight friends."

Alice: Thank God you're here, we're totally outnumbered.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.

Blonde Woman: Your daughter is adorable.
Bette: Thank you.
Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live with her father?
Tina: We don't call him "the father," we call him the donor.
Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.
Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know.
Bette: My parents are dead.

Brad: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
Bette: An honest homophobe... how nice.

Alice: Shane!
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane: [distractedly] What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.

Papi: Don't be mad, Brown Barbie.
Bette: Who the fuck you calling "Brown Barbie?" You fucking Carmelita Tropicana.

Shane: He has a playdate with his friend.
Bette: Nice! That's probably the last word on earth I expected to be uttered from your lips.

Alice: [sarcastically] Wait, is this a lesson on writing from Jenny Schecter? Let me get a pen!
Jenny: Grab a pad too!

Jenny: Do you hear that? Oh my God, It's Monet...Monet has come back from the dead, and he wants me to give you a message. He say's "I am so sorry for sitting infront of my pond in France and sketching those water lillies, and using the water lillies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend Alice."
Alice: Oh wait he's talking to me, so weird...
Alice: [Talking to herself] Okay, I'll tell her.
Alice: [Back to Jenny] He says don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!