- Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
- Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
- My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
- Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
- While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
- Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
- Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
- "Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. OJ and Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail."
- Has also been falsely attributed to George Carlin