Tex Talks Battletech

Tex Talks Battletech is a science fiction documentary and (frequently) comedy series by The Black Pants Legion, created to document the vehicles and history of the Battletech franchise and setting. It is primarily voiced by Tex in the guise of retired Mercenary and Mechwarrior Randolph P. Checkers.

Episode 1: Battletech/Mechwarrior Lore : The AWS-8Q Awesome and Variants

Tex: Hi there Folks,

Tex: In addition it has a battlefist at the end of its left arm, meaning it is quite capable of pummeling an enemy even if everything else is broken. Which is unlikely given the sheer amount of goddamn armor on it.

Tex: An Awesome is an impressively armored mech. carrying 15 tons of armor which make it one of the most heavily armed 80 ton assault mechs in the universe.

Tex: The Awesome is a readily available and surprisingly affordable mech for any mercenary unit or House Guard. Comparatively the AWS-8Q costs a modest 6.5 million C-bills. Whereas a similar 80 ton mech like the Victor or Thug are well over 8 million.

Tex: Now I know what some of you are thinking, and by some of you I mean Clanner scum. Yes you can field a 75 ton Mad Cat or as you call it a Timber Wolf. Which is a more versatile weapon system by far than an Awesome, until you look at the cost. 75 Tons of Mad Cat is 24 million c-bills. Oh but Tex I play tabletop and I don't use c-bills, I go by battle value you say. Okay, a Mad Cat ranges between 2252 battle value points and 2737 battle value points. An Awesome ranges between 1358 and 1605. I rest my case. That is unless you play tonnage vs tonnage, in which case shame on you. Shame.

Episode 2: Battletech/Mechwarrior Lore : The Atlas

Tex: In the setting of Battletech sooner or later, you're going to see into an Atlas. Probably because it's the very definition of an assault mech.

Tex: It's big, it's scary, it even has a fucking spooky skull face. I mean what's not to love?

Tex: The Atlas is an iconic representation of the Assault mech class. Intimidating, old and angry.

Episode 6: Tex Talks Battletech: The Catapult

Tex: This is not a reflection on the quality of the Catapult. The Catapult is fucking awesome. I need you to understand something though. Something about military bureaucracy and government contracting. Governments dont always make good choices when it comes to the procurement of weapons.

Tex: You see, most government defense contracts are somewhat decided by committees and... corruption. For every weapon system in development there's a long road to consider. There's red tape, bullshit, more bullshit red tape, graft, graft, graft, the military industrial complex, graft, payouts in briefcases, graft and of course graft. And like a gram cracker crust it's all baked in the warm embrace of corruption.

Tex:I'm of course referring to fictional accounts because surely this does not take place in the real world. That would be far too much to take. To assume that those in charge of these supremely expensive programs would then inherit lucrative private sector jobs after everything was green-lit.

Tex: Nothing and I mean nothing about the Catapult is particularly complicated. It's a cockpit on legs that shoots missiles out of boxes. That's pretty much it.

Tex: It's a walking MLRS, and because those missile boxes are detachable people tend to slap whatever fits on the shoulders. That means the catapult is sometimes also a cockpit on legs that shoots other things out of boxes, or other attachments, or whatever. It's also fairly mod-able because the Inner Sphere has zero design standard when it comes to this sort of thing. Because in the Inner Sphere if you can afford to do it you will probably do it.

Tex: There's also the C3 model which puts Arrow IV artillery in place of LRM's because what's better than big missiles? Bigger fucking missiles of course. And that statement makes sense... and if it makes sense to you guess what? You're a Catapult Pilot.

Episode 19: Tex Talks Battletech: The Hunchback

Answering Machine: This is professor Tex, Van Zandt war studies. I'm not at the phone right now because I'm probably off planet doing my job. If you're in need of immediate assistance please contact the planetary Governor. If they are off planet or dead please just mind your own business and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Otherwise Leave a message a the sound of the tone. *BEEP*

Message 1: Uuuum, this is Tom in motorpool? Uh, the Hetzer it uh, um it broke. it just broke and um, it's broken, okay thank you.

Message 2: This is Ketch in delta company. Uh Tom broke the Hetzer and it was badass! It wasn't an accident but it was badass, and I filmed it.

Message 3: Uh yes um hellpo this is Eldin from the garage, uh we have run into a bit of an issue down here. I turn my back for two seconds and Tom just tore out of here in that Hetzer we were working on. Uh, it was not ready to go yet, I heard a loud bang as he took off so if he can bring it back we need to get that back into the shop ASAP so we can diagnose that problem. Also uh my tools were still in that Hetzer so I would really appreciate it if he brought it back or I'm going to need some new tools. Anyway hope we can resolve this real soon. Thank you, good bye.

Message 4: Wah that Hetzer explode look so gangwan [????????] make ramp stronger [???]

Message 5: Did I just get voice mail? Oh hey it's Diggs, uh dropship is broken again. I'll get to it when I can, but it's broken. the OM2 reader says broken, like literally the word broken. That's an error code I assume? Typically it just says please update the software but hey, that's how they getcha. Hey, did you know this thing was once a tug? Also the code says the dropship is stolen but who cares about that. Obviously if they wanted to keep it they'd still be alive. Speaking of alive I found the manual and I went through it and it turns out that we probably shouldn't have mounted those big gun turrets in it uh, because it compromises something something safety uh something with the power plant? Oh anyways dropship is broken, call me back.