Thank God You're Here (Australian TV show)

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This is a list of quotes from the Australian Show, for the UK Re-make, see Thank God You're Here (UK TV series).

Thank God You're Here is a show where they get four celebrities, costume them and get them to walk into a room they know nothing about and try to talk their way out of it.

Episode 1.1[edit]

Shane Bourne: Frank, how are you feeling?
Frank Woodley: I’m feeling…I’m feeling… I’m feeling…good! Not cocky, but just feeling, well actually you know what? I’m feeling like I’m a spider of entertainment. And that’s because I’m going to weave a web of comedy from stuff I just pull out of my bum. We’ll see. Fingers crossed.
Shane: Oh, I can’t wait. Get the Mortein!

Heidi: These products are all good, as the slogan says...
Fifi Box: If you can do it, you can!

Frank: Does yours hurt as much as mine?
Gladiator: A little bit
Frank: It’s like agh! (Hits metal on chest.) Far out! They could make them out of mink! It wouldn’t be so good in the battles of course. But in this bit, (Hits metal on chest.) the mink would be better. In the battle, agh, agh! You’re dead!

Dan: Tell me, what news from the Eastern Front?
Frank: Oh, the barbarians are going off their nut! Hairy, hairy, hairy bastards.

Frank: Rome glorious Rome! We root like rabbits.
Rome glorious Rome! We have the trusted like habits!
But slightly different because it’s a little bit away from us.
Rome glorious Rome! We will one day rule the universe!
Rome glorious Rome! We will turn the barbarian’s scrotums into a purse!

Peter Rowsthorn: This one was the dolphin pad, which we have clearly marked ‘H’, because dolphins, they’re high intelligence beings, have their own alphabet. They understand D as an H.

Frank: I am Pete. But my friends call me Tom.
Dan: Tom.
Heidi: Okay.
Frank: No, you are not my friends yet!

Heidi: Do any of you hold any qualifications for early childhood?
Frank: Oh, yes. I’m qualified to go through early childhood.
Heidi: Now, of course we have to do a police check, ‘cause you will be working with children. Now, who...
Frank: Right. (Drops his giant toothbrush, and walks out of the room, disappearing out the back.)

Episode 1.2[edit]

Heidi: Welcome to Australia’s number one children’s show...
Shaun Micallef: Hey, That's My Hat.

Heidi: Tina, what's the letter of the week
Shaun: The letter of the week is from Alfred Gurnes

Heidi: Goodbye to all our friends today, we’ve had so much fun and so much gay
Shaun: -ness, that is a lifestyle choice, so whether you’re a girl or whether you are boys, come again tomorrow wont you, I… crave.

Shaun: I am the Amphibian Man. My code name is Get Me Out Of Here Immediately.
Matthew Newton: I am the Spotty Dick. And my code name is Chunder.
Dan: And you, fellow?
Angus Sampson: My name is Beaver. My code name is Beaver.

Leader: It’s our friend from the French resistance.
Matt: Hubba hubba!

Shaun: (His microphone falls from his pocket.) My God, these haven’t been invented yet!

Episode 1.3[edit]

Shane Bourne: Before we start. Frank?
Frank Woodley: (Indicates bald head.) This is all I know, They’ve given me this. I’m not sure what that means. I dunno if I’m gonna be a baby or if I’m gonna be sort of um, “Whoa, the power and the passion!” (Dances crazily.)

Andrew: How much time would you estimate you’ve taken off in the last six months?
Frank: In the last six months?
Andrew: Yeah.
Frank: Oh, probably not more than six months.

Frank: Is your body a temple? I hope it is, although, I hope that a priest hasn’t entered it.

Frank: (Indicates clothes.) I must admit I’m starting to think I’m probably not going to be going “Whoa, the power and the passion!” I’m starting to think it’s a different direction.

Dan: Thank God you’re here master.
Frank: I’m glad to be here. Because I’m always glad for a master of the way always has a happy heart. Even once, I got a pimple on the inside of my buttocks and when I walked it would rub and rub! But that did not deter me from the centre of the way.

Frank: (In accent.) Don’t try to eat a stone, you’ll... it’ll hurt! And don’t ever try to throw a feather at someone in anger for the will look at you and just go (Drops accent.)”Well what are you doing?”

Dan: Master, lead us in a prayer
Frank: Okey, dokey. Great wall of china!
Dan: In Tibetan, master, if we may.
Frank: (Shakes his head.) You have learnt much my son. But you have not learnt to not be a smart ass.

Dan: I want you to stand and state your name. Who are you?
Glenn Robbins: Um... Ken. Ken the... Ken the conqueror.
Dan: You sir?
Akmal Saleh: Vicilious Demericus. But I’m also known as Craig.
Fifi Box: Sally Bacterious.
Dan: Sally. You have a strange voice for a viking warrior.
Fifi: I do. I do. Some like it though.
Dan: Good, sit mighty Sally. And finally...
Frank: I’m... I’m Ken as well. But I’m Ken, the one who tried to conquer some stuff and didn’t work out.

Dan: What do you call this?
Glenn Robbins: It slices. It dices. But wait, there’s more. It also works as a... Ken?
Frank: Killing thing.
Glenn: So when you’re attacked by an enemy, don’t stab him. Slice him and dice him, pop him in the freezer and have him a bit later on.

Dan: You have discovered a new method to navigate the mighty waters.
Fifi: I thought what we could do is just put the boat in the water, grab an oar, see what happens.
Dan: I like it.
Akmal: We did this, but we forgot to get in the boat. And then the boat went... next time we actually got the boat and went in it, and we thought that was much more effective.
Glenn: Let’s just say, she’s not great at coming up with ideas. She’s much better, Ken, and I think you’ll agree when I say this, at making love.
Dan: Ken the non-conqueror, but Ken the wise, tell me, some say the earth is round.
Frank: Ha!
Dan: Some say the earth is flat. But you say it is neither. Why?
Frank: Well, I’ve got a hunch. Because I think it’s like a big skateboard ramp and you head off up into the nothingness, do a bit of a trick, come back. That didn't make any sense, let’s get into the raping!
Glenn: Also, he’s not great with the ideas.
Dan: Enough! We only have time to pray now. And we must pray to mighty Thor, mighty Oden, please I ask of thee, give me wisdom.
Ed: I ask of thee strength. (Points at Glenn.)
Glenn: I ask of thee…
Akmal: He’s not great with ideas either!

Episode 1.4[edit]

Nicola: Does this mean you and I are through?
Angus Sampson: Well... Let’s just work that out. (He draws a graph on the whiteboard.) If we take this variable as Monday to Friday. This variable: 9 to 5. I take 12 to 3 off, I could fit you in on Tuesdays to Thursdays 12 to 3.
Nicola: You said you loved me, John.
(There’s a pause. Angus looks at Ed.)
Angus: Well, I love you, too.
Ed: Good.

Angus: To health, love, and multimedia legislation.
Dan: I hate to be a stickler for tradition, but if we could have that in Latin, just to keep in with...
(They all agree.)
Santo Cilaro: In vino veritas, et avec omnibus we travel.

Dan: We were looking at possible changes, you had mentioned, Brother, you wanted to change some of the prayers to sort of update them for the young people. To keep it fresh.
Angus: Wanted to get the Snoop Dogg language happening, the ‘shizzleator’ into the blessings.
Dan: Shizzleator?
Angus: Shizzleator.
Dan: How would that sound?
Angus: Ordered my shizzle, oblezzile, essing with ezzizzle, a celebrizzle of the word of the jizzle.

Episode 1.5[edit]

Simon: This was a fact finding mission on African poverty and yet you started in the Greek islands.
Alan Brough: I wanted... I wanted to get some perspective.
Simon: On board a yacht?
Alan: Lots of perspective.

Simon: Thank God you’re here.
Shaun: Yes, well, I came as soon as I could, my boat was slow.
Simon: The king awaits. Your highness.
Shaun: Your Majesty.
Dan: Ah, at last. So tell me, my good man, how did you get here?
Shaun: As I said to your footman, I arrived here on boat.
Dan: But you live in the next village.
Shaun: It was carried aloft by four others.

Shaun Micallef: (Sitting down) Please excuse my unworthy crack.

Episode 1.6[edit]

Ensemble: Come let us be gay
Angus Sampson: Ah, my favourite part of the evening

Episode 1.7[edit]

Frank Woodley: My grandfather actually lost a leg in the war. It wasn't his. He was a doctor.

Bob Franklin: This section is known as Oak Corner. It was named by a fellow who had to be let go in the end due to a lack of imagination.

Josh Lawson: And if we all look out to the left, the bus will tip over.

Bob: As we always say in Melbourne. Take Photos, But Leave the Women Alone.

Frank: Just because you need nappies, doesn't mean you can't dance! That's my motto!

Frank: Yeah, we don't have beds anymore. We find that if we stack them in shelves and strap them in, its far more efficient!

Frank: I think cause our inmates like… inmates? Our clients like that personal… they like to feel, they like me to caress them in a friendly, no! We’re not like that!
Interviewer: Of course your residents have a whole programme…
Frank: Residents! That’s the word I was looking for.

Frank: The items in the package were of a packaged nature, that’s the only information we have to date without a doubt it was probably one of the more packaged um, packages yet to be packaged.

Episode 1.8[edit]

Angus Sampson: Whenever you're feeling very very ill, get in the ring with Ozzie Boxing Phil.

Ensemble: [referring to Ozzie Phil's pies] They say that they are Australian pies but, where are they made?
Angus Sampson: New Zealand.
Ensemble: It says on the box "Made in Thailand".
Angus: That's Thailand on the north island of New Zealand.

Josh Lawson: Government regulation prohibit the following four activities: 1. Smoking. 2. Offensive language. 3. Offensive smoking. And 4. Smoking language.

Hamish Blake: Anyone trespassing on the ground will be fined $500 and be forced to eat a shoe.

Episode 1.10[edit]

Ensemble: How do you do it with the ladies? What's your secret?
Angus Sampson: Well, first I listen to them. I look at them and then I touch them.

Ensemble: Listen for his opening line that he's famous for.
Angus Sampson: Nice gloves.

Ensemble: What deck are you on, Mr. Higginbottom?
Angus Sampson: The top. Always the top.

Angus Sampson: George used to say to me...
Ensemble: Yes, Mr. Higginbottom?
Angus Sampson: Don't rush me woman.

Ensemble: This was a normal horse, now it's a miniture horse
Akmal Saleh: Yeah, well I'm a miniture clown!

Episode 2.1[edit]

Ensemble: I wanted to go to the toilet, do you know what the waiter said? It's closed for the winter.
Anh Do: Well don't you know if you go when it's to cold it can damage your bits.
Ensemble: The health inspector is here what should I tell him?
Anh: Tell him not to pee because it's to cold.

Ensemble: Please state your names.
Anh: Sir Michael with the big sword.
Tony Martin: Sir Guy of Sebastian.
Hamish Blake: Darren the Nitpicky, and it's an oval table not a round table, I'm a bit dissapointed.
Cal Wilson: Sir Lady Brian the Boy of Lady.

Ensemble: You are going to fight the enemy territory of...
Tony: Mulgrave.
Ensemble: What are you fighting for?
Tony: Ah... Brasher's record voucher.

Episode 2.2[edit]

Ensemble: Do you have anything that's low fat?
Dailan Evans: (Laughs.) You're jokin' aren't ya, um I mean yep yes we do, ahhh we have a straw.

Episode 2.3[edit]

Andrew Bayly: We were watching television when we heard a screech of tyres and a bang!
Matthew Newton: Yeah, that was me!

Heidi: Are you a learner driver?
Matthew Newton: [holding up an L-plate] Nah, I'm a legend!

Episode 2.4[edit]

Nicola Parry: [as Michelle, Bob's wife] I feel like we are drifting apart. There's no communication. He's always out with his mates or at home drinking in front of the television.
Heidi Arena: [As a marriage guidance counselor] How do you respond to that, Gary?
Bob Franklin: That's a problem, apparently. Make of that what you will.

Heidi: How would you describe your love life?
Bob: I think it's terrific! It's a shame Michelle isn't involved in it.

Episode 2.5[edit]

Hamish Blake: [as a pharmaceutical doctor, asked to come up with a slogan] No more gas, it's a flact.

Episode 2.6[edit]

Josh Lawson: Thank God you're here, I was knocking for hours!

Josh: If you are a barbecue out there, I think it's very important to know that you will be caught at some stage.

Andrew G: I am Sister Andrea the Ever-So Chaste.
Josh: I am Sister Beyonce the Jiggy.
Jo Stanley: I am Sister 2 Sister, the Pop Group.
Alan Brough: I'm Sister Bob...the gassy.

Episode 2.7[edit]

Daniel Cordeux: Can you give me one good reason why this city needs you?
Tony Martin: [As "Flashman"] No, not one good reason but, three good reasons. [pause] Maybe just the one would be good though in this instance.

[As part of a "During the Week" segment about cooking]
Ensemble: Jerry, you must be very excited because you just opened your new restaurant.
Tony Martin: [As a chef] I know and I'm a dentist!

Ensemble: Tell me one domestic cleaning duty you've done since you moved in here.
Arj Barker: I emptied the trash on my Macintosh.

Ensemble: You bought us some food but, hot dogs? We're vegetarians!
Arj Barker: Well, put some lettuce on it!

Ensemble: For those who haven't seen this show, how would you best describe "A Town in the Valley"?
Tahir Bilgic: [looks at audience] Who hasn't seen this show? Get out! I think it's a drama/comedy. We're trying to be dramatic but, we're poor actors.

Episode 2.9[edit]

Heidi Arena: [As a parent, at a parent-teacher interview] How's Chris doing in school?
Merrick Watts: [As the teacher] He's doing very good. He's a very bright kid, isn't he?
Heidi Arena: Chris is a girl.
Merrick Watts: But, he looks like a boy.

Heidi Arena: You've also given her an "A" in French.
Merrick Watts: Yes, very good. "A" is the highest mark I give.
Heidi Arena: She doesn't do French.
Merrick Watts: But, when she did, she was an "Ass".

Episode 2.10[edit]

Daniel Cordeux: What is going on here?
Tony Martin: [As a SWAT officer] Renovation Rescue!

Nicola Parry: Ken, we here that one lucky punter has walked away with $50,000. How did they manage that?
Hamish Blake: Yeah, I was rapt, I mean, we don't know who it is. Don't know who it was and we don't definitely don't have any inside information so, good on them and no investigation needed.

Interviewer: What will your tactics be for the race?
Tony Martin: [As a Jockey] I'll be attempting to go the other way around the track to confuse the other horses.

Episode 3.11[edit]

[As part of a "During the Week" segment, SCU - Special Crimes Unit]
Female Police Officer: You don't mind being outranked by a woman, do you?
Angus Sampson: I always prefer them on top.

Angus Sampson: [As a police officer, having burst into a warehouse to catch some criminals] It's scum like you that got The Curiosity Show taken off air.