That Mitchell and Webb Look
Jump to navigation Jump to search
- Customerː Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
- Waiterː She's gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back.
- Customerː Who?
- Waiterː The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters.
- Webb: Oh, well if were having Freddy, we've got to invite Daphne and Velma as well.
- Mitchell: Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless. Especially when Velma does her losing her glasses routine.
- Webb: Yeah, that kills me. Why doesn't she get contacts?
- Mitchell: Oh, I think its a lesbian thing.
- Webb: I just had a thought.
- Mitchell: What?
- Webb: Well, if we invite Freddy, Daphne and Velma, there's a chance they'll bring that other one.
- Mitchell: Oh God, the scrawny one. The one that doesn't wash, what's his name?
- Webb: Well, we don't know. I mean he calls himself Shaggy, but I certainly don't believe that's his name. I think its some kind of hollow sexual boast.
- Mitchell: I think it definitely is. He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly. The last time I saw him, he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a very long corridor that had to be there.
- Webb: Well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe were being harsh on him. I mean he's so thin and he's always shaking. He's probably in the throes of some gritty smack battle. Let's ask him along.
- Mitchell: Yeah, I mean how much harm can he do...although?
- Webb: What?
- Mitchell: Well there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog.
- Webb: Oh, not his bloody dog. He won't bring his dog, people don't bring their dogs to parties.
- Mitchell: Shaggy does. If anyone is going to bring a dog to anything, he is going to bring his dog to this.
- Webb: He treats that dog like its a person, its creepy. You know, I think that dog must have been mistreated in the past, it's incredibly nervous. Do you remember that Halloween party that Shaggy was at? Every time a new person came in, dressed as a ghost or whatever, the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms. I was convinced it was gonna shit everywhere.
- Mitchell: Well, I tell you, that's not the worst of it, do you remember at Jodie's do? You remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fair ground. Well, I was just popping into the kitchen for some more rice, and who should I find, but Shaggy and his dog, assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen.
- Webb: [walks over to the fridge, opens it] I know. They made one the last time they were here, but... [takes a tall sandwich out of the fridge] They had a freak out before they could eat it.
- Mitchell: I think its cruel to make a dog eat that.
- Webb: [putting the tall sandwich back into the fridge] I'll tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter, because he's obviously invested a lot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't. I mean, maybe he thought he was going to get it on 'That's Life' or something, but its just not happened.
- Mitchell: Yes, which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well.
- Webb: That's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good English. Its also quite a lot braver, if a little impetuous.
- Mitchell: It is a bit impetuous yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog.
- Webb: Yes, I think you do. I think you do.
Sir Digby Chicken Caesar
- Sir Digby: Stop Thief! He's stolen your wallet, but he's dropped your keys and has escaped, look!
- Gent: Where?
- Sir Digby: There!
- Sir Digby: Quick, Ginger, not a moment to lose!
- Sir Digby: On a lonely planet spinning its way toward damnation amid the fear and despair of a broken human race, who is left to fight for all that is good and pure and gets you smashed for under a fiver? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar!
- Sir Digby:: At last! My grant from the foreign office. Now we'll finally crack this mystery.
- Ginger: Sir, I cannot feel my left bottom.
- Sir Digby The story so far: As usual, Ginger and I are engaged on our quest to find out what the hell is going on and save humanity from my nemesis, some bastard who is presumably responsible.
- Sir Digby: One of my nemesis's henchmen, wearing a cunning disguise, tries to foil our plan.
- Sir Digby: Take his number Ginger.
- Ginger: I'm trying sir, but he's quite strong for a henchman.
- Sir Digby: The time Ginger, I'm going to get help.
- Sir Digby: I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my club for full remuneration.
- Sir Digby: Right Ginger, Where've you been?
- Ginger: I've been in a police cell for two days, sir.
- Sir Digby: Well done Ginger. What did you found out?
- Ginger: I've been in a police cell for two days, sir.
- Sir Digby: Forgive me, you must be tired. Have a sip from my can.
- Sir Digby: I've made a new contact. Ginger, meet Jaqcues.
- Ginger: Hello? Aww, I think he's fallen asleep.
- Sir Digby: Of course! He's preserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis.
- Ginger:: Actually I think he's dead, sir.
- Sir Digby: Really?
- Sir Digby: Yeah yeah, felt that.
- Ginger: Yeah
- Sir Digby: The forces of darkness say - give me my can back. The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick, search Jacques, see if he's got any money.
- Sir Digby: Will Jacques have any money, or will Ginger be forced to go back on the game? Where will my nemesis strike again - will he attack a political leader, attempt a terrorist outrage, or have another go at stealing my special plastic bag filled with fluff and litter?
- Caveman policeman: This stone crime, it's rampant. Sometimes I think that the whole advance into stone technology has been something of a double-edged sword.
- Caveman pathologist: Double-edged what?
- Caveman policeman: Don't know.
- Caveman pathologist: No, what did you—
- Caveman policeman: No idea.
- Show presenter: Hello and welcome back to 'Coverage Of People Buying A House And Then Living In It'. So, hello, Jeff. You wanna buy a house. Here's a house. What do you think?
- Jeff: Yeah.
- Show presenter: Do you like the house?
- Jeff: Yeah, its fine.
- Show presenter: [to the camera] Will Jeff be able to buy the house that's fine of his dreams? Yes, he will. Its in budget, is it, Jeff?
- Jeff: Yeah.
- Show presenter: That was not a close one.
- Jeff: No.
- Show presenter: We'll be catching up with Jeff when he's bought his house, which is.. [cut to the inside of the house] Now. Jeff your now living in your house.
- Jeff: Yeah.
- Show presenter: What's that like?
- Jeff: Its all right, doing a bit of DIY, putting some shelves up and nothing major.
- Show presenter: [to the camera] We'll be catching up with Jeff's attempts to live his having things on shelves dreams.. [cut to the shelves being up] Now. How are those shelves?
- Jeff: Beautiful.
- Show presenter: Well that's fascinating. [to the camera] So to sum up. Jeff, who you don't know, has bought a house and is now living in it having put up some shelves and I think we can all agree that that's basically a good thing. Join me next week, when I'll be presenting 'Coverage Of People Arranging To Rent A Flat And Then Going To The Shop To Buy Some Food To Eat In It'.
- Visitorː What happened to the friendly lady vicar with the colourful jumper, that I met last week?
- Vicarː She's gone, child. They've all gone. Banished by the Bishop. I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry. And we're back.
- Visitorː Who?
- Vicarː The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars.
- Customer: Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
- Tailor: She's gone, sir. They've all gone. They've all been driven out, and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them. And we're back.
- Customer: Who?
- Tailor: The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes. I'm afraid we don't like being talked to, by people with their hands in their pockets!
- Mitchell: [in a Sky Sports teaser parody] Thousands and thousands of hours of football, each more climactic than the last! Constant, dizzying, twenty-four hour, yearlong, endless football! Every kick of it massively mattering to someone, presumably. Watch it all, all here, all the time, forever, it will never stop, the football is officially going on forever! It will never be finally decided who has won the football! There is still everything to play for, and forever to play it in! So that's the football! Coming up! Watch it! Watch the football! Watch it! Watch it! It's gonna move... Watch the football! It's football!
Sir Digby Chicken Caesar
- Sir Digby: "In a world spinning as fast as the inside of Homebase when you've just had a go at a four-pack of Dulux tester cans, who is left to fight for all that is right and proper and good and leather and full of money and belonging to that teenager who doesn't look like he can handle himself? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
- Sir Digby: "Excellent use of the Monogram Panty Liner…"
- Sir Digby: "I believe we are looking for a menstruating child who is waterproof to a depth of fifty meters."
- Sir Digby: "Gadzooks! He must be hiding amongst these cake-eating dwarfs!"
- Sir Digby: "How did my nemesis shrink himself? When will Ginger find a better method for discovering waterproof dwarfs? Why don't kids' parties have real booze anymore like they did when I was a dwarf? Find out in the next enthralling instalment of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar."
Sir Digby Chicken Caesar
- Sir Digby: "Tell mama I wont be dining tonight."
- Security: "You two, out!"
- Ginger: "But we're not having sex, we're not having sex!"
- Sir Digby: "Ginger, I think my nemesis has corrupted even my beloved mother!"
- Sir Digby: "In a country lacerated by the sharp shards of broken brown-eyed promises, in a world bent low by the burden of disease, war and the price of Thunderbird, who is left to make full account of God and Britain's depleted moral mini bar? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
- Countess: "He's got germs!"
- Sir Digby: "Ginger, beat the crap out of her!"
- Sir Digby: "How will I break the unholy alliance between the Countess and my nemesis? How will I tell friend from foe if not by asking them for a quid and then pushing them over? Is it true that if you sneak into the London eye they let you sleep there?"
- Mitchell: Welcome to Back to Life...
- Webb: ...Back to Reality.
- Mitchell: The show that adds an "un-" to the phrase "safe revival of cryogenically frozen billionaires"...
- Webb: ...and an "ir-" to the phrase "responsible treatment of reanimated cadavers!"
- Sir Digby: "How many harmless narcotics must Ginger and I consume before the empire is safe? What the hell happened to my grant from the Home Office? How much longer will Benji's remain the only sandwich shop not to have security men on the door? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
- Robert: So when... do they use the kilns?
- David: I just told you, they don't use kilns. There are no kilns.
- Robert: So you're telling me that they don't have to heat up milk to make cheese?
- David: That's exactly what I'm saying. You don't get cheese just by cooking milk.
- Robert: That's how it was discovered. Someone left some milk on a hot stone, and it turned into cheese.
- David: That isn't true.
- Robert: That's how they used to store it when they had too much milk. They didn't have fridges David.
- David: I accept that, Rob.
- Robert: So then how did they turn the cheese back into milk? They needed kilns!
- David: You can't turn cheese back into milk. Apply heat to cheese, and what you get is melted cheese, not milk.
- Robert: You don't know what the hell you're talking about, do you?!
- David: I know how cheese is made.
- Robert: Oh, really?
- David: Yes, yes. Well you take the milk, and then you leave it to... to not ferment exactly, but then you scrape... you separate the curds and whey.
- Robert: This isn't a nursery rhyme, David.
- David And then you leave it until-
- Robert: You put it into the kiln until it forms a hard skin, so that it doesn't fall to bits.
- David: Cheese doesn't form it's own skin! They put the skin on!
- Robert: They put the skin on?!
- David: YES.
- Robert: Did you hear what you just said?! They put the skin on?
- David: Oh, what so you think Edam has a particularly red skin because of the temperature they baked the milk at?!
- Robert: I'M NOT CLAIMING TO BE A FUCKING SCIENTIST, DAVID. I just know they don't- how do they put the skin on?!
- David: I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY PUT THE FUCKING SKIN ON.
- Robert: What are we talking about then?
- David: I didn't start it!
- Robert: You've got a problem mate.
- David: No YOU'VE got a problem.
- Robert: You've got a problem.
- David: You've got a problem.
- David: [presenting the prizes for the "Conveyor Belt Round" as people walk by carrying them] Food objects! Fuel! Tablets! Holy tablets! [A presenter carries a toy dog past] Frightening animal! Someone's head! [A presenter carries a traffic cone past] We don't know but they're everywhere. A stone. A stone. A stone. A stone. [A presenter carries a giant clock on a stand past] We don't know but they're everywhere, [A presenter carries another stuffed toy past] frightening animal.
- Director: John.
- John: Yeah?
- Director: John, you were talking.
- John: Was I?
- Director: Yeah, you said "Now we know."
- John: "Now we know?"
- Director: Yeah.
- John: [to his co-star] Did I?
- Carrie: Yeah, you did a bit.
- John: Oh my God. How weird. Sorry.
- Director: Not to worry. Lets go again, straight away.
- [The camera is rolling]
- John: Now we know! Now we know! Yeah! Now we know!
- Director: Cut!
- John: Sorry, I know what that was. I was in her light, wasn't I?
- Director: Uh a bit... No... More it's... sort of the same thing again really.
- John: What?
- Director: The saying "Now we know."
- John: What, again?
- [the Director nods]
- John: Did I, Carrie?
- Carrie: Yeah you do, you keep saying "Now we know."
- John: God, I had no idea. Why would I do that?
- Director: We don't know.
- John: Well, you can cut that right out.
- Director: Okay, well lets try again and this time keep an eye on the...
- John: [Getting ready for the scene] "Now we know." Yeah.
- Sarah: [Walking with David (James) to Robert (???) at a party] My brother ... he's lovely! He's a real people's person.
- Robert: So, James. Pleasure to meet you, James. Real pleasure to meet you. Heard a lot about you, James.
- David: Really?
- Robert: Zing! Like it. So, tell me, James, what do you do for your day job? I'm asking because i'm genuinely interested.
- David: We..we..I work in a sewage treatment plant. Pretty low-keep. Occasionally there's a blocking [Robert interrupts with "yeah"s] which means someone got to physically...
- Robert: [interrupting] Brilliant! Yeah, got it. I'm so bloody fascinated, James, I want to glue my brain to your face.
- David: [frowning] Are you even listening?
- Robert: So true.
- David: I'm not even talking.
- Robert: Me neither! God, we got so much in common. We should totally do lunch! [touches David on the arm]
- David: Oh, I see what's going on here.
- Robert: What?
- David: You think you're good with people.
- Robert: Sorry?
- David: It all makes sense - the fake matiness, the rapey arm-touching. The way you keep using my name in a way that makes me feel oddly violated as if you've just dipped your cock in my drink.
- Robert: So? It's called people skills.
- David: Well I'm sorry I have to break it to you, mate, but these people skills you seem to thrust at me like i'm a social equivalent of a wank doll just make you seem weird and a bit scary. No offense, but in a party situation you seem about as relaxed and friendly as a serial killer doing a police interview while still wearing his last victim's skin.
- Robert: [averts eyes, looks over David's shoulder]
- David: Don't worry, it's totally normal. It doesn't make you some sort of freaky long fingernail loner who gets arrested and sings "Bristles stroking the bread". Being shit with people is just a very minor disability that you share with everyone who isn't Alan Carr or Top Cat. Just accept it and move on.
- Robert: Ok, well... Piss off and stand on your own, then?
- David: That's more like it.
- Narrator: Introducing KatKat. The delicious new chocolate snack for Cats. [A ginger tabby Cat is walking around the kitchen] Yes, for you my feline friend. Available in three great flavors. Chocolate Mouse and Mouse. Yes, Cats love it. [a fake Cat's paw takes the KatKat bar] Although, that was a Cat's paw on a stick. [revealing the Cat paw on the stick] And its good for them too.
- Encyclopedic article on That Mitchell and Webb Look at Wikipedia