The 1/2 Hour News Hour
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- Kurt McNally: Six Islamic extremists were arrested this week for plotting the attack of a U.S. Army base at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Harry Reid responded by demanding an immediate withdrawal of all troops from Fort Dix.
- Kurt McNally: Reverend Al Sharpton claims that Paris Hilton's early release from jail smacks of "racial favoritism". Paris Hilton's two-letter response was "O.J."
- Jennifer Lang: Hillary Clinton said that her faith got her through her marriage crisis. Bill Clinton said that Faith also got him through his marriage crisis, although he can't remember Faith's last name.
- Dennis Miller: Relax, we'll replace oil when we need to. American ingenuity will kick in, and the next great fortune will be made. It's not pretty, but it is historically accurate. We need to run out of oil first. And that's why I drive an SUV -- so we run out of it more quickly. I consider myself to be at the vanguard of the environmental movement. And I think individuals who insist on driving hybrids are just prolonging our dilemma, and I think that's just selfish. Come on, don't you care about Mother Earth?
- Kurt McNally: After weeks of heated negotiations, the House finally abandoned the idea to a time line and agreed to President Bush's war funding bill. This is considered the biggest Democratic collapse since Nancy Pelosi's face lift gave out.
From the show's segment "Conspiracy Corner" discussing 9/11
- Lorenzo Lamas: ...I'm saying that Mulsim terrorists destroyed the Trade centers
- Jack McCraney: Okay, then please explain to me how jet planes can fly into the World Trade Towers and cause steel building to collapse.
- Lamas: Because the heat of the jet fuel caused the metal to melt and buckle.
- McCraney: Are you trying to say that fire melts steel?!
- Lamas: Yes, Jack, that's actually how they make steel.
- McCraney: Oh, so they "make" steel?