The 10th Kingdom
The 10th Kingdom is an American epic fantasy TV miniseries written by Simon Moore and produced by Britain's Carnival Films, Germany's Babelsberg Film und Fernsehen, and the USA's Hallmark Entertainment. It depicts the adventures of a young woman and her father after they are transported from Manhattan, New York, through a magical mirror into a parallel world of fairy tales, magical beings, evil stepmothers and self-discovery.
- No, no! "Rare" implies dangerously cooked. When I say rare I mean just let it look at the oven in terror, then bring it out to me.
- Butter would not melt in my mouth. Well, it would melt. Of course it would melt, but very slowly.
- A shepherdess makes quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely.
- I've always wanted to say this. Love of my life, let down your lustrous locks.
- You are as safe as a brick-built pig house.
- We either live happily ever after or we get killed by horrible curses.
- Don't worry, I'm not who I used to be. I've had extensive therapy. I realize I have been using food as a substitute for love and I have the books to prove it: "Breaking the Cycle", "Heal Yourself in 7 Days", "Stop Blaming Yourself, Please", and "Help for the Bed-Wetting Child", which I picked up by mistake. But I've got them all!
- "What do you see?"
"A lot of trees?" (gasp) "No. You see nothing. Look at everything that happened here last night while you slept." "Like what?" "You see that clearing? About midnight a badger trotted across there, and then two hours later, a mother fox took the path, but our presence spooked her, so she went back into the trees. Then a half an hour after that another fox appeared, male this time, young and courting, I recon he got his porridge cause I didn't see him come back. Or over there, you see over there where the undergrowth is disturbed? A noisy little wild boar was snuffling about. I can't believe he didn't wake you up. Oh, and right in front of you you see the passage of the mole? Or over there a stag and a doe watched the sun come up with me, and that's not to mention the all-night rabbit party, or the weasels, or the pheasant, or that owl. And you saw nothing." "I stand corrected" "You most certainly do"
- My name is Virginia...and I live on the edge of the forest.
- I'm gonna die of long hair!
- Well, at least things can't get any worse.
- [talking about her mother] Well, I knew she'd come back because she had left all her clothes, you know. She loved her clothes more than anything in the world. And I kept going into her room and checking on them. And then after a few months you suddenly said that we had to get rid of them all, [beginning to cry] so, I remember folding them all very neatly, and I kept hoping that there was going to be, you know, a secret note or something that would be written for me, you know, just to me, telling me that she loved me, and explaining the secret magical reason why she had to go, you know? I mean, I still have this uncontrollable urge to just go up to people and say "My mother left me when I was seven!" You know, as if that would explain everything. [sobbing] And I miss her... And I hate her! And...and I miss her... And I feel like I was on a train and it crashed or something and no one came and rescued me. I always wanted my life to be a fair story, you know, and now it is!
- You haven't seen my father walking around anywhere here, have you? Oh, he might have been singing "Whiter Shade of Pale".
The Evil Queen (Christine White)
- I hope you like dogs, Wendell. You're going to spend the rest of your life as one.
- There are no 'masters' here! Only one mistress! Don't forget that, doggy.
- [When a farmer's daughter reveals that the fake Wendell has told her family everything] Oh, dear. That really was the wrong answer.
- I admire your foresight. And had you arrived two hours earlier you would have found me... poisoning the apples! [Relish and his men collapse as the poison takes effect] Poison is something of a science with me, and I seem to have timed it just right. You know what they say, Relish? An army marches on its stomach.
- [after a mass poisoning] Anyone for seconds? [pauses to look around] No?
Anthony "Tony" Lewis
- What is it with you people? What kind of twisted upbringing did you have? You know, why can't you just say, 'Oh, that'll be 100 gold coins'? Why does it always have to be, 'No! Not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on that giant's ass!'?
- [Meeting the village idiot] Do we have magnets in our pockets? How do we attract people like this?
- Well, it's "slice the fruitcake" time again.
- All right, Mr. I-don't-have-to-look-but-I-can-chop-wood, your name is Rumpelstiltskin.
- I know your destiny. You'll ask a question, and die before it is answered.
- This is a magic crossbow. When fired, it will not stop until it hits the heart of a living being. It cannot miss.
- What is destined to happen, will happen, no matter what we do!
Relish the Troll King
- What a pathetic display. How DARE you, call yourselves my children!
- I'm taking my half of the kingdom right now. Wanna make something of it?
- [to his children, who have allowed Virginia to escape with his magic shoes] Idiot! Fools! I can't leave you alone for a minute! Your mothers would be ashamed of you!
- Suck an Elf!
- Nicey Nice!
- Burly: This could be a long torture session.
- Virginia: I'll tell you anything you wanna know.
- Burly: Torture first, then you talk. It's better that way. Rush a torture, ruin a torture.
- Blue Bell: I think we might be in her pocket.
- Burly: What?
- Blue Bell: I think she might have shrunk us, and put us in a matchbox in her pocket.
- Burly: That's ridiculous. You're falling to pieces. Get a grip on yourself. How can we be in a matchbox, you idiot? Where are all the matches?
- [In an elevator]
- Virginia: Our mirror's smashed, what can we do? Where the hell are the other two?
- Gustav the Magic Mirror: Mirror one shattered be, by an oaf called Anthony. Mirror two is on a bed with barnacles upon its head.
- Anthony: A bed... with barnacles.
- Virginia: The sea bed!
- Dwarf Librarian: Yes. One fell into the Great Northern Sea. I think you can safely discount that one.
- Gustav the Magic Mirror: What you seek has not been seen, since it was stolen by the Queen.
- Anthony: The Queen! That's all we need.
- Prince Wendell: Anthony, uh, any chance of a little biscuit?
- Anthony: No, no, no, umm... Very helpful you have been, just tell us where we can find the Queen.
- Gustav the Magic Mirror: Near she is, but not alone. in a place that's not her home. In a castle, out of sight,where once the Queen was called Snow White.
- Anthony: That's Prince Wendell's castle.
- Frog: One door leads to safety. One door leads to a horrible death. [Croaks] Ribbit. You may ask me one question. Ribbit. But I always lie.
- Wolf: Oh, I learned this in school but I could NEVER remember it!
- Virginia: If we ask him which one's the safe door...
- Wolf: Well then he'll lie, and say it's the other one. Or is it the other way around?
- Virginia: I don't know!
- Tony: All right, all right. Wait, wait! I have a question! What is the point in having a door that has a horrible death behind it? Huh? [picks up frog]
- Frog: What are you doing?!
- Tony: What does that achieve?!
- [Tony starts walking towards the doors, holding the frog]
- Frog: Get your hands off me!
- Tony: I mean, what is the purpose of your life? Just to be a pain?!
- Frog: Don't touch me there, only my girlfriend touches me there!
- [Tony throws the frog through one of the doors]
- Frog: WHOA!
- [Tony slams the door; it shakes violently as a large explosion occurs behind it]
- Wolf: I guess it's the other one.
- Prince Wendell: And now, for the greatest bravery imaginable. For courage in the face of relentless and terrible danger, I award my dear friends the highest medals in my Kingdom. Firstly, my temporary manservant, Antony. My people, look upon my friend. No longer is he spineless and wallowing in self pity.
- Tony: Thanks.
- Prince Wendell: No longer is he a balding useless coward who would rather run than fight.
- Tony: I think they got the message.
- Prince Wendell: No longer is he selfishly driven by envy and greed.
- Tony: Wendell, the medal.
- Prince Wendell: No. He is heroically transformed. What braver man could exist, than Antony the Valiant?
- ["Saturday Night Fever" plays on a boom box]
- Blue Bell: They are called 'The Brothers Gibb.'
- Blabberwort: And the song: it concerns a deadly fever that only strikes on Saturdays.
- Tony: [Wolf offers to test Wendell's "prince sensing skills" before tossing a stick at his gold-imprisoned dog form] That's not funny!
- Wolf: It can get funnier if we keep on doing it.
Quotes about The 10th Kingdom
- In a puzzling fit of immodesty, NBC claims that The 10th Kingdom is, no less, "the epic event of the millennium." NBC says so right on my screener tapes. Damn, that puts a hitch in the next 999 years and 10 months. But it does sound better than "a moderately diverting event of the week, which we are deathly afraid will be eaten alive in the ratings."
- John Carman, "NBC Trolls for Ratings With 'Kingdom'", San Francisco Chronicle, February 25, 2000
- Kimberley Williams - Virginia Lewis
- John Larroquette - Anthony Lewis
- Scott Cohen - Wolf
- Dianne Wiest - Evil Queen/Christine Snow
- Daniel Lapaine - Prince Wendell
- Ed O'Neill - Relish the Troll King
- Rutger Hauer - Huntsman
- Ann-Margaret - Cinderella
- Camryn Manheim - Snow White
- Warwick Davis - Acorn the Dwarf
- Lucy Punch - Sally Peep