The Bill Engvall Show

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

The Bill Engvall Show (2007–2009) follows a family in suburban Colorado. The main character is Bill Pearson, a well-meaning therapist who often has trouble understanding his own family. He is typically assisted by his more sensible and strong-willed wife, Susan. Their children are ambitious and boy-crazy Lauren (oldest) dim-witted troublemaker Trent (middle) and paranoid braniac Bryan (youngest). Bill is often given disastrous advice by his neurotic best friend, Paul Dufrayne, as well as putting up with his grouchy neighbor Ernest Faulkner.

Season One[edit]

Good People [1.01][edit]

Bill Pearson: Starting Quarterback? Why didn't he call me at the office and tell me?
Susan Pearson: Oh, you know Trent. He's not one to get excited about... well, anything. Even I had to hear about it from Tiffy.
Bill: Who's Tiffy?
Susan: Oh, some pixie-sounding cheerleader who called me "Ma'am." I am twenty years away from being called "Ma'am"!
Bill: (shrugs) Yes, Ma'am. (Susan tries to strangle him)

Lauren Pearson: Oh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!
Susan: Lauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?
Trent Pearson: (grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.

[Lauren shoots him a glare and smiles guiltily at Bill, who is giving her an "In your dreams" look]

Bryan Pearson: Why would you wanna do that? The skin membrane protects us.

[Trent and Lauren both stare at him incredulously]

Bill: (chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Lauren: Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Bill: Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)
Lauren: How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.
Trent: Oh, I'm for that!
Susan: Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!
Bill: You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Lauren: Mom-
Susan: Don't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.

Feel Free To Say No [1.05][edit]

Bill: All right, all right, all right! You want to argue about this? Then let's argue naked.
Susan: (turns around, stares at him incredulously)...What?
Bill: Bob says it cuts down on the arguing time.
Susan: Bob is a pervert.
Bill: I know that! But I think it's worth a shot. (raises an eyebrow at her)
Susan: (pause) Fine- okay, sure. Anything to move it along. (She heads upstairs with Bill following. Cut to both of them in the bedroom, obscured but naked)
Susan: (as Bill grins at her) So... you're going.
Bill:(still grinning) No I'm not.
Susan: Yes you are. Blue shirt, blazer, khakis. Chop-chop.
Bill: Nope! I'm standing firm. (Susan glances down)
Susan: Yeah... not bad for forty-five. Blue shirt. (there is a knock at the door; Susan hastily stands behind Bill, who holds a pillow in front of himself as Lauren comes in)
Lauren: Hey, Mo-Auggggh! (hastily turns around and slams the door behind her)
Susan:...Daddy and I were just... arguing!
Lauren: (through the door) We haven't even had dinner yet!

Susan: You don't think you should do something to smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?
Bill: No! Guys don't hold grudges- we say our piece, and move on.
Susan: (sarcastically) Guys- keepin' the world mellow.
Bill: (jumps back as Priscilla slithers quickly across the kitchen floor) SNAKE, SNAKE!! (upstairs, Lauren and Bryan both jump) BRYAN, GET DOWN HERE! (Bryan and Lauren hurry into the kitchen) Where is your snake?
Bryan: In it's terrarium. I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?
Lauren: Sure, why not?
Bill:... 'Cause I thought I saw something.
Bryan: Maybe you're getting a migraine. Those can be proceeded by hallucinations. (Bill and Susan give each other incredulous looks) Good night, Dad. (Bill pats him on the head as he goes upstairs)
Susan: Did Trent work on his paper at all?
Lauren: He claims he finished it.
Susan:(to Bill) You planning to read it over before he hands it in?
Bill: If he wants me to. (Susan gives him a look) And, if he doesn't want me to. (starts heading for the stairs)
Susan: He needs an "A" on it.
Bill: I know.
Susan: Make sure it makes sense.
Bill: Okay.
Susan: Don't let him manipulate you.
Bill: (sarcastically) All ri-i-ight! (goes upstairs, Lauren joins her mother in eating leftover pastries)
Lauren: Why did you guys...choose to have other children after me?
Susan: (smiles) 'Cause we were young, and... stupid.

Go Ahead, See if I Karaoke [1.08][edit]

Trent: (staring at Priscilla) Hey, Bryan? Those python eggs you're selling...
Bryan: Yeah?
Trent: Where do you keep 'em?
Bryan: Where do you think?
Trent: The refrigerator? I dunno- that's why I'm asking.
Bryan: Well, Priscilla hasn't opened her ovipositor and squeezed them out yet.
Trent: I dunno, bro. Your snake doesn't look any different than it ever looked.
Bryan: Hmmm...
Trent: Hey! Hey, maybe we can hold her up and squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste- (demonstrates with a hockey stick)
Bryan: No!
Trent: Or-or we could get the vacuum cleaner-
Bryan: I'm gonna get Jeremy to come by for a second opinion!
Trent: Basketball pump-
Bryan: Trent! (holds up his hand, gestures) ...sleep.(Trent walks away)

[Bill comes outside; Lauren is reading a magazine on the porch. Lauren glares up at him briefly, then keeps reading as he sits on the rail opposite]

Bill: We... You know, it's not easy, being the dad of a teenage girl these days.(Lauren ignores him) Look, I know you're mad at me-
Lauren: Yeah! Right again, Dad. (Bill sighs, then holds up her old stuffed rabbit)
Bill: (talking in the rabbit's voice) "Hello, Hello!" (Lauren glances up, then rolls her eyes)
Lauren: Dad-
Bill: "Don't be mad- be glad!" (Lauren fights back a smile)
Lauren: Come on.
Bill: You remember when I used to do that, and you'd laugh and laugh? One time you fell down and cut your knee, and you had to have stitches? "Puffy Bunny cheered you right up!"
Lauren: (curtly) I was four, Dad. (Bill nods and comes closer)
Bill: ...That was thirteen short years ago. (sits in a chair opposite her) Look, honey- maybe I overreacted with Casey, and for that I am sorry- but I was just trying to protect you.
Lauren: I'm not upset that you were trying to protect me- that's what you're supposed to do. But, you just made a judgement based on someone's looks.
Bill: I- I know. But, I also know that cute can cover a multitude of flaws.
Lauren:... I'm going to meet boys, Dad. And, before you scare them off, how 'bout you give me the benefit of the doubt- that maybe I have some sense, some good judgement? Because you taught me that. Because you're a good dad. (Bill looks away bashfully)
Bill:...Wow. You really make it impossible to argue with that! (holds up Puffy Bunny to himself) "Hear that? You are a good dad!" (smiles at Lauren)
Lauren: (smiles briefly) If you don't mind, I'd like to sit out here and be mad at you a little longer.
Bill: (nods) Okay. (gets up, kisses her forehead) I love you.
Lauren: I love you too. (Bill starts to go inside) Can you leave Puffy Bunny?
Bill: Yeah, sure. (gives her Puffy Bunny, pauses, then takes his coat off and puts it around her shoulders) It's startin' to get a little cool out here.

Season Two[edit]

But That's Not Fair [2.01][edit]

Bill: So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?
Lauren: "Excited" may not be the right word.
Trent: (grins) Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word. An anthonym, if you will. (Bill looks bewildered)
Bryan: (disgusted) It's antonym.
Trent: Oh, right! I was thinking, you know, at the beginning of baseball games- the national anthonym?
Lauren: Guys- guys! I'll do the talking. (to Bill) We didn't clean the garage, and we're not going to.
Bill: (looks quickly at Susan) Excuse me?
Susan: This better be a joke.
Lauren: No! We discussed it, and we decided it's not fair.
Trent: Yeah! You're not paying us any money, so what's in it for us?
Bill: "What's in it for"- how about a roof over your head?! Food on the table?! (Susan nods) Warm beds?!
Lauren: We get that stuff anyway. If you want the garage cleaned, you're gonna have to sweeten the deal.
Susan: I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here!
Bill: That is right! And, you know what, after dinner you three will clean that garage!
Lauren: Fine- if you pay us. (Bill looks at Susan in disbelief)
Susan: This is not a negotiation!
Trent: Well, then we're not cleaning it!
Bryan: We're tired of you guys oppressing us! Until you pay us, we're on strike!
Bill: (stunned)... On strike? On strike?! (Trent nods)
Bryan: Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894. They-
Bill: Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown! (Bryan shuts up) You kids think this house is a democracy?! No, uh-uh! I'm in charge!
Susan: (gestures to her self) Hey, hey-
Bill: (gestures to her) We are in charge!
Trent: Other kids' parents don't make them do all their work.
Bill: Really? Well, do other kids' parents do this? Gimme your cell phones. (stands up and grabs Lauren and Trent's phones, Lauren and Trent both protest) Hey, you got four bars!
Susan: Bill! Focus.
Bill: But we're on the same plan- (Susan gesture for him to forget it, Bryan holds out a calculator) Your calculator?
Bryan: They have to give something up, I will too.
Bill: Fine! (takes it)
Bryan: I already feel naked.

Pineblock Derby [2.04][edit]

Susan: Bryan showed me his racing car- looks fantastic!
Bill: Yeah! I thought it turned out pretty well.
Susan: You know what it reminds me of? You know that coffee table in the living room we used to have?
Bill: (to himself) Here it comes...
Susan: You remember, the one you tried to level by cutting the legs shorter and shorter- until we eventually had to throw it away?
Bill: Well, it was hard to focus when I had a crazy woman screaming "It's been in my family for over a hundred years!" (gets into bed)
Susan:... I'm just curious how such a well-crafted car, came from a man who turned my grandmother's antique coffee table into a serving tray.
Bill:... The unconditional support of his loving wife? (Susan shakes her head at him) All right, Paul made it.
Susan: And why does Bryan think you did?
Bill: Look, he ran in, saw the car, and before I could say a word he jumped to his own conclusions!
Susan: So you lied to him.
Bill: No, I didn't lie! I just... didn't correct him on his mistaken assumption of the actual truth.
Susan: (stares at him) What, are you running for office?!
Bill: Okay, fine, I lied! But you have, too.
Susan: I have not.
Bill: Oh, no? How about when you told Lauren you were on the cheer leading team in high school?
Susan: I was!
Bill: (sarcastically) Really?
Susan: Yes!
Bill: Because I believe that doing somersaults in a bird costume falls more into the "mascot" category!
Susan: (offended) I was the Lady Falcon- and those were handsprings, mister, which are very hard to do with wings!(Bill gives her a look) Okay, so I lied too! But that doesn't make what you did right.
Bill: I know, but you should've seen his face! I was the greatest Dad ever- he hugged me. (Susan looks sympathetic)
Susan: Hmm... okay, I get it. ('Bill turns out his lamp and lays down to sleep, Susan pokes him in the shoulder) But, just for the record- there were a hundred other girls who would have killed to be the Lady Falcon!
Bill: (smirking) Aww, honey, now you're just lying to yourself.

Bill Talks A Good Game [2.06][edit]

Bryan: This cereal could kill me!
Susan: Well, it's whole-grain, so it's good for your heart. You can tell, 'cause the cartoon camel is wearing a jogging suit.
Bryan: It contains HXT, a preservative that can cause serious allergic reactions.
Susan: What is this all about?
Bryan: I'm doing a school report on hidden dangers of the home.
Lauren: Is your breath one of them? (Bill comes downstairs)
Bill: Good morning! (grabs the cereal)
Bryan: Don't let the camel fool you- you're gambling with your life. (Bill gives Susan a puzzled look)
Susan: School report- it's the best one yet.
Bill: Ah. Hey, is Trent up yet? We're playing basketball this morning.
Susan: Haven't seen him.
Bill: Well, he better have his game on, 'cause I feel good! (flexes) My bum shoulder's nice and loose, my back doesn't hurt, my knee's not even clicking!
Susan: (grins) You must be feeling good- I notice you left your girdle on the bed.
Bill: Hey- that's a back brace.
Susan: You got it from ""
Bill: And right on the box, it says "Back Brace!" (Susan laughs)
Lauren: Is there some kind of rule that breakfast in this house has to be a freak show? (A.J.enters)
Bill: Ah- not 'till now.

Drinking Party [2.07][edit]

[There is an explosion nearby; Bill and his kids all jump]

Bill: What was that?
Trent: Uh, it sounded too loud to be fireworks in my bedroom closet, right? (Bill stares at him) I mean, of the many things it could be.
Bill: Where did you get fireworks?!
Trent: Whoa, where did you get that idea?! (Bill rolls his eyes, Susan and A.J. rush in)
Susan: Honey- honey, we have a problem.
A.J: Yeah, my camper backfired and it scared your dog- he ran under the neighbor's house.
Bill: Oh, God, which neighbor?

[Cut to all of them- plus Mr. Faulkner- peering under Faulkner's house]

Mr. Faulkner: If that dog stays down there for long, I'm gonna charge him rent!
Bill: Well, if I know Raffles, he's already put down a deposit.

Susan: (trying to spy on Trent's Facebook page) Oh, shoot- he's got a password.
Bill: Good, 'cause this is a huge invasion of his privacy and I don't want anything to do with it. (turns away)
Susan: I'm in.
Bill: Wha- already?
Susan: Yeah. It's Trent- his password is 1234.
Bill: (shakes his head) That kid's head is just a bucket of hair!

Dream Lover [2.08][edit]

Bill: Morning. (he sleepily tries to kiss Susan, but she moves and he kisses the pillow) Is it just me, or is your face a little puffy today? What's the matter?
Susan: (sharply) Who's Penelope?
Bill: What? Penelope- I don't know anybody by that name. Why?
Susan: I had a dream last night that you're having an affair with a woman named Penelope!
Bill: (sarcastically as he gets up) Oh! Yeah, that Penelope. Yeah, we've been fooling around in other people's sleep for years. You should see us during naps, we're like bunnies!
Susan: Stop it, Bill, this is really bothering me!
Bill: You're kidding me, right? This thing that happened in a dream?
Susan: No, no, no- it wasn't a dream, it was a premonition!
Bill: Oh, you know what this reminds me of? A certain horse-race where I was persuaded to bet a hundred dollars on a horse named "Lazy Susan!"
Susan: That was a hunch! It wasn't a premonition- there's a difference.
Bill: Between first and last place? I'll say! (goes to his closet)
Susan: You don't understand! I have only woken up twice in my life with this feeling, and both times my premonition was true!
Bill: "And what were they?" He asked, knowing he'll regret it.
Susan: Remember Diane Hamilton?
Bill: Yeah, your friend with the buck teeth.
Susan: She's a brilliant composer.
Bill: And in need of an equally brilliant dentist.
Susan: The night before her wedding, I had a premonition that her fiancee would leave her at the alter.
Bill: Honey, that's not a premonition, that's just common sense! Nobody wants a wife who can build a dam with no tools! (he walks away, Susan follows him looking put-out)
Susan: When I was twelve, I dreamt my uncle Max was gonna die- and the next day, boom! He's gone.
Bill: And lemme guess! He's ninety-two and on life support.
Susan: Mm-Mmm! Forty-five, had a heart attack in a department store. He was testing a mattress- we all thought he just really liked it!

Susan: Hey Trent! How was your driving lesson?
Trent: (sarcastically) Ask Dad. (Bill staggers into the room clutching his hair)
Bill: Sweet Mother of God!
Susan: What happened?
Bill: Jeff Gordon here about got us creamed by a bus!
Trent: That's 'cause you were giving me about ten different directions at once! "Speed up, slow down, go, stop, left, right!"
Bill: Yes, and at no point did I say "Close your eyes and floor it!"

A Reptile Dysfunction [2.09][edit]

Bill: I wanna speak to the manager. (Josh holds out a clipboard)
Josh: (deadpan) All food complaints require a form- be sure to describe your illness in full, location of cramps, et cetera.
Bill: No, no, no, no- I'm not here to complain.
Josh: (surprised) Oh! (puts down the clipboard) Welcome to Hot Dog Planet, where our food is out of this world!
Bill:... I'm Lauren's dad.
Josh: Oh- Blondie.
Bill: Look, uh, she says you treated her pretty badly at work yesterday.
Josh: (sarcastically) Does this look like a day care center to you? Do you see a jungle gym? Mats for nap-time? No. You know why? It's a business. And you know what this business needs?
Bill: A local undercover news investigation? (Josh glares at him)
Josh:... We need employees that can give us an edge in this hot dog- eat- hot dog world. And frankly- no pun intended- Lauren isn't cutting the mustard! (laughs maniacally, Bill stares at him) Sorry- we work hard here, but we have a good time.
Bill: Well, apparently she didn't have a good time! She says you called her stupid!
Josh: Oh, I didn't call her stupid.
Bill: Well, I'm glad to hear that-
Josh: I called her a moron.
Bill: (angry) Hey, nobody calls my daughter a moron!
Josh: Look, if Lauren has a problem with how I run things, she's welcome to quit.
Bill: Well, maybe if you can't treat her better, she should quit!
Josh: Maybe she should!
Bill: Fine, then I quit! Argh- I mean, Lauren quits!(starts to leave) Oh, and one more thing. Just because you work in a weenie factory doesn't mean you have to act like a-
Josh: (deadpan) Heard it before!

Season Three[edit]

Let It Go [3.03][edit]

Susan: Tammy told us that her husband Scott got butt implants!
Bill: (deadpan) No way.
Susan: (nods, laughs) Have you seen his butt lately? You could bounce a quarter off that thing! (goes to open the cupboard)
Bill:... Hey, wait a minute- I thought it was game night! You sit around and talk about your husbands? (pause) Did you ever say anything about me?
Susan: (pause) Um... not really.
Bill: Um... Liar! What'd you say about me?
Susan:... I would tell you if I could, but the group has a Cone of Silence. What is shared in the Cone stays in the Cone (starts to exit)
Bill: (sarcastically) And I'm guessing Scott's new butt didn't fit in the Cone, did it?
Susan: His butt is no secret- it's like he's smuggling melons back there. (starts to leave)
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa! So that's it? You're just not gonna tell me?
Susan: Honey, it's just a bunch of friends talking! No big deal. (leaves)
Bill: Is it about my butt? 'Cause real men have curves, Susan!

Bryan: (sadly) Goodbye Yale- goodbye Berkeley- Goodbye Cornell-
Lauren: Ugh, Bryan, would you stop?!
Trent: Yeah, who are these people you keep saying goodbye to?
Bryan: They're schools, doofus! Schools I probably can't even get into anymore!
Lauren: Because you got a "B" on a science test?
Bryan: My first "B!" It's gonna stand out on the college applications!
Trent: College what, now? (starts eating a bag of Cheetos)
Bryan: (looks scornfully at his older siblings) I wouldn't expect you to know. You're just both run-of-the-mill academic hacks. (Lauren glares at him) Simply average.
Lauren: (angrily) Whoa- average?
Trent: (cheerfully) Whoa- average! (walks across to the couch)
Lauren: For your information, I am not an academic hack. I do well in school.
Bryan: (smirks) Please! You haven't seen an "A" since preschool!
Lauren: Um, hello? There were two "A's" on my report card last semester.
Bryan: Yeah, the ones in "Lauren" and "Pearson!" (Lauren looks furious, Bryan giggles and looks at his papers) Assuming you spelled "Pearson" right! (Lauren glares at him, then slowly starts to smile)
Lauren:... Well, I hope you're enjoying this, because that "B" is just the beginning.
Bryan: The beginning of what?
Lauren: No one's told you? (Bryan shakes his head) All Pearson men start out smart, but around age 12, their brains start to go soft. (glances in Trent's direction) It happened with Trent, and now here you are with your very first "B"- right on schedule!
Bryan: You expect me to believe some lame theory of brain degeneration?
Lauren: No- because it's science... which you just got a "B" in. (Bryan looks worried)
Trent: (having fitted Cheetos between his toes) Check it out!(Bryan and Lauren stare at him, he wiggles his foot in their direction) "Chee-Toes?" (Bryan looks horrified, Lauren pretends to look worried)
Lauren:... Let's just hope you don't get it that bad.

Car Trouble [3.09][edit]

Trent: (comes inside) You will never guess what I have in my pocket!
Bill: Well, let's see- the last time we played this game, it was a pudding cup and some sorta lizard!
Trent: (pulls out a $20) Twenty bucks- which means I now have $2,000 in my car fund, and you guys said when I did, you'd match it!
Susan: That's great, Trent!
Bill: Yeah! (quietly, to Susan) You said he'd never be able to save that much! (Susan motions him to shut up)
Trent: So, can I have the money? I wanna get the car by this weekend.
Susan: Why the big rush?
Trent: Oh, I've got this date with Julie Galand, and I need a place to... (he sees his parents staring at him)Uh... No reason. (Bill and Susan look at each other skeptically)
Bill: Trent, I'm not just giving you money to go buy a car!
Trent: Why?
Bill: Because buying a car is a big decision- and before we make it, we need to do the proper research. We gotta go online, do some comparison shopping.
Trent: (reaching into his other pocket) Yeah, ok- well, you get on that, I'm gonna go release this lizard into the wild. (heads for the stairs)
Susan: Be sure "the wild" isn't your sister's sock drawer. (Trent turns around and heads outside)
Bill: You know, we give that boy $4,000, and he could come home with a car- or a handful of magic beans.
Susan:(laughs, pats his hand) It's just Trent.
Bill: This whole "It's just Trent" thing is fine when he's mounting an engine on his skateboard, but buying a car is a big decison! I just wanna make sure he does it right. (goes to look out the front door)
Susan: You know, Bill, I don't think you give him enough credit.
Bill: Really? Look out here. (Susan comes to the door) Somehow, he just got his hair caught in the mailbox.

Paul: What are you doing?
Bryan: Practicing self-defense.
Paul: Oh, good- I thought you were having a reaction to medication!
Bryan: Hey, Uncle Paul?
Paul: Yeah?
Bryan: If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell Dad?
Paul: Yeah, but I have to warn you- if he gives me the slightest bit of pressure, I will crack like an egg!
Bryan: I need some advice. I'm having a problem with a bully at school.
Paul: Ooh, Bryan- well, there's only one way to handle a bully. You have to stand up and be a man- and when he's not looking, kick him in the beans.
Bryan: (winces)... I can't do that. (pause) This bully's a girl.
Paul: (raises eyebrows) Ohhh boy. (sits down) I've been there. My ex-wife used to bully me all the time!
Bryan: How'd you get her to stop?
Paul: (deadpan) I gave her half my money. (Bryan stares at him incredulously) Well, you know what, actually more, because I'm paying her child support.
Bryan: (confused) You don't have any children.
Paul: She had a very good lawyer.
Bryan: I don't think money's gonna stop this girl. She's big, she's mean, and for some reason she loves to clobber me.
Paul: Hmm. Any chance you can outrun her?
Bryan:... Depends on my allergies. (Paul nods hopefully) If there's a high pollen count, I'm dead meat.
Paul:...Ok. Well, I'll tell you what you do. Next time you see her, just drop to the ground, roll yourself up into a tight ball, and do not release until she is gone.
Bryan: (skeptically) You want me to lie down and take a beating? How's that a plan?
Paul: Come on, give me a break- you're an asthmatic bull's-eye!


External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about: