The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) (also known as The Complete Wrks of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged)) is a parody of the plays written by William Shakespeare, with all of them being performed in shortened form during a single show by only three actors. The play was written by the Reduced Shakespeare Company, and first performed at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe in 1987.
- Austin Tichenor: It is I, omelet, the Cheese Danish!
- Adam Long: !ooB
- Reed Martin: Neither a borrower nor a lender be! Hmph!
- Audience: Maybe, maybe not!
- Austin, Reed, and Adam: Henry IV, Richard III, Phillips a dork and Charles a turd. Go Fergie!
- Adam Long: Behold, where stands the usurper's cursed head! Ah MacBeth, your arse is out the windie!
- Austin Tichenor: (Playing with puppets for the play within a play in Hamlet) Mana mana. Do do doo. Mana mana. Do do do doo. (One puppet whistles at the other. Pause. Puppets engage in intercourse)
- Adam Long: I feel like such a dork.
- Austin Tichenor: Yeah, well, go with the feeling.
- Adam Long: Here's the story of a brother named Othello. He liked white women and he liked...green Jello.
- Adam Long: And Iago loved Dessy like Adonis loved Venus!
- Austin Tichenor: And Desi loved Othello 'cause he had a big--SWORD!
- Austin Tichenor: (dressed as a cook, holding a blood-stained cleaver) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Good evening, gore-mets and welcome to Roman Meals. I'm your host, Titus Andronicus. Now, look, when you've had a long day, your left hand chopped off - BAM! - (reveals a gloved hand to give the appearance of it being cut off), your sons murdered, your daughter raped, her tongue cut out, both her hands chopped off - BAM! BAM! - (mimes chopping), well, the last thing you wanna do is cook, y'know what I mean? Unless, of course, you cook the rapist and serve 'im to his mother at the dinner party!