The Cosby Show (season 6)

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The Cosby Show (1984–1992) was an American sitcom starring Bill Cosby. The show focused on a doctor and lawyer couple and their five children, known as the Huxtable family.

Denise: The Saga Continues [6.01]

[After Denise reveals to Martin she didn't tell her parents that she's married to him]

Martin: You were gonna let me go in here and meet two people who don't even know I exist, and then say, "By the way, I'm married to this guy"?

Denise: Yeah, something like that.

---

Clair: Well, first of all, we want to tell that we are really proud of you for sticking it out in the rainforest of Africa. That must have been quite an experience and I'm sure that you have grown a lot from that. And you're probably thinking about what you're gonna do next with your life.

Denise: You know, as a matter of fact, I wanna talk to you guys about that.

Cliff: Yes! And I talked to the president of Hillman and she said you can come back anytime you want.

Denise: Mom, Dad, I'd like to...talk to you about the guy who's watching my luggage.

Cliff: (chuckles) Come on. No, no, no. We're talking about...

Denise: No, Dad.

Cliff: Yes?

Denise: He's wonderful.

Cliff: Good, good.

Denise: His name is Martin.

Cliff: Fine.

Denise: And, um...Dad, he graduated from Annapolis. And, uh...ahem. He's a lieutenant in the navy.

Cliff: Ah, boy. Navy man. Can't go wrong with that.

Clair: You have to bring him by the house sometime.

Denise: Yeah, yeah! I love to! Soon, I hope.

Cliff: Sure, okay, yeah.

Clair: Wow! You two sound serious!

Denise: Yeah, we are.

Cliff: Yeah.

Denise: Um...We got married.

[Clair is stunned]

Cliff: So, I'm talking about what we're going to do is...Now, even if you don't want to go to college...

Clair: (while Cliff is still talking) Cliff, stop! Stop, Cliff! Stop, stop, stop!

Cliff: I'm talking to her about going to college...

Clair: This child has just said that she is married!

Cliff: Who said that?

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Clair: Denise is married and I don't even know her last name.

Cliff: Mrs. Stupid.

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Martin: Dr. Huxtable (shakes Cliff's hand), Mrs. Huxtable (shakes Clair's hand). It's a pleasure to meet you both. Denise has told me so much about you.

Cliff: I'm sorry we can't say the same about you.

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Denise: Mom, Dad, the Kendalls are home!

[Cliff and Clair come downstairs]

Denise: There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

[Cliff and Clair meet Martin's daughter, Olivia]

Clair: Oh, Martin, she's adorable. Isn't she, Cliff?

Cliff: She's too short.

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Martin: Olivia, this is Denise's father. His name is Dr. Huxtable.

Olivia: Hi.

Cliff: And how are you?

Olivia: I'm fine.

Cliff: Good. Do you have a job?

Olivia: No.

Cliff: Then I guess I can't get any money out of you.

Olivia: I have money.

Cliff: You do? How much?

Olivia: I have a lot of it. You can have some if you want.

Cliff: I know this is not one of my children.

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Cliff: Vanessa was in here.

Clair: Oh, really?

Cliff: Well, yeah. Came in to complain there's too many people in the house, and then demanded to use our bathroom.

Clair: Did you tell her to get a job?

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Clair: (about Denise) The child is in a room across the hall with a man and a baby and she's a baby herself. Denise doesn't know what she's doing, Cliff. Did you see her at the table? Did you see her cut that broccoli for Olivia? Those pieces were way too big. And when she wasn't looking, I cut that broccoli myself.

Surf's Up [6.02]

Clair (to Theo): You tied sponges to your butts?

I'm IN with the 'IN' Crowd [6.03]

Clair: Cliff, Angela Henning just called to say that while she and her husband went out, her daughter and her friends- our daughter included - decided to play the alphabet game while chug-a-lugging bourbon, and it seems that Vanessa was very drunk when she left.

Cliff: She must have lost.

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Vanessa: [hungover] Daddy? Oh, Daddy...My stomach hurts. My head...EVERYTHING hurts. Please...give me something, anything...!

Cliff: [gently] Nothing I can give you, kid. There's no cure for this.

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Theo: I never thought Vanessa would crack under the pressure.

Clair: What pressure?

Theo: The pressure of growing up in this family. Because of what you guys have accomplished, people expect a lot more from us than other kids. Think about it, you're a lawyer, dad's a doctor. That's a lot of pressure mom.

Clair: We never said "become a doctor" "become a lawyer", we said "go to school, study, become whatever you want".

Theo: There you go, pressure! "Go to school" "become something", that's a lot of pressure, mom. All my friends see it.

Clair: Theo, when do you feel this pressure?

Theo: Every now and then.

Clair: This isn't about pressure, Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored. Although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books.

Cliff: And each other.

Clair: Thank you.

Cliff: That they call every five minutes when they're away, yet they were bored together.

Clair: So you see, she did not feel any pressure from us, the only pressure she felt was from her friends.

Denise Kendall: Navy Wife [6.04]

Martin: [to Denise] You forgot to confirm the housing?

Admiral: That's what I told you!

Martin: Sorry, sir. I'm taken off guard. Denise, I told you!!

Denise: I know. I'm sorry.

Admiral: Would you like me to leave you two alone?

Theo's Gift [6.05]

Theo: Why couldn't they have had an essay question that said, "Write the story of Icarus"? I would have cleaned up on that.

Cliff: Because this is not Burger King! You cannot have it your way!

Shall We Dance? [6.07]

Mrs. McGee: Rudy, finish cleaning the blackboard and go home! Clarence, pick up your books and go home! And I'm going to go home, and sit in a hot tub... and re-evaluate my life!

Thanksgiving at the Huxtables [6.09]

[Cliff walks in with a small bag of groceries after being sent out for a second time in a big rain storm]

Cliff: There's your dumb canned pumpkin, your stupid eggs, and your silly nut.

Claire: Nutmeg, and thank you. [kisses Cliff] Will you take those wet things off before you catch a cold? [begins to unpack the groceries] Cliff, there are no eggs in here!

Cliff: There's eggs in there! I put eggs in there, I bought eggs! [Claire lifts up the bag to show him it is empty] I don't care what that bag says, there's eggs in there!

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Claire: How am I supposed to make corn bread without eggs?

Cliff: People don't need, uh, corn bread! Let- let 'em eat soda crackers!

Grampy and Nu-Nu Visit the Huxtables [6.10]

Cliff: And here we have the basement. This is the only room in the house where I can enjoy complete privacy because of the offspring repellent.

Cliff's Nightmare [6.14]

Waldorf (about Cliff): He doesn't look like he can deliver a baby!

Statler: He doesn't look like he can deliver a pizza!

Olivia: I don't have any friends. I live here with a bunch of old people.

Not Everybody Loves the Blues [6.17]

Clair: [Singing the blues] What am I to do? Surrounded by all these men. My sailor man is at sea. Now what was his name again?

Rudy's Walk on the Wildside [6.18]

Rudy: Would you tell my mom something for me?

Olivia: Sure, your Mom's nice. What'd you do?

Rudy: I borrowed some money to buy a sweat shirt.

Olivia: That's not so bad.

Rudy: It was the money she set out for the cleaners.

Olivia: That's not so bad.

Rudy: She put the money on the counter, and Kenny said he'd give me the money if I sold him my Magic Johnson poster, and I did, and he didn't, so I took the money from Mom.

Olivia: Sorry, Rudy, I think you're on your own.

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[Rudy tells Cliff that she stole money]

Cliff: If it was just $2.30, why'd you steal it? If it was just $2.30, why didn't you just come and ask me for it?

Rudy: If I would've asked you for the $2.30, you would've asked "What's it for?" and I would've said "A sweat shirt", and you would've said "Do you know how much they paid coal miners in 1919?"

Isn't It Romantic? [6.20]

Cliff: (about being romantic) I've got five children. I don't need to prove anything to anybody!

Theo's Dirty Laundry [6.21]

Clair: When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!

Theo: I'm sorry.

Cliff: The other day, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said, "no, you can't come back here"?

Theo: No, I didn't.

Clair: Of course you didn't. Because we're your SAFETY NET! You always do this, you go out into the world and you mess up. Why? You know we're always sittin' in this house waiting to take you BACK IN! It's always been that way.

Theo: I know, Mom.

Clair: You come back into this house, you listen to the speech we give, just like the one your father just gave, you go right back out into the world, you mess up, and you always get to come back into the house again! Well, honey, I'm sorry, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to give you the permission to come back into this house.

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Theo: Living with Justine has been good for my study habits. I mean she helps me organize. You know, just because you guys give me money doesn't mean you can control my life. You know if you guys aren't gonna get behind us on this, then Justine and I will just have to figure out a way to do it on our own and live our own lives! [Leaves the house]

Cliff: [to Clair] He told you!

What's It All About? [6.22]

Vanessa: You can't tell me to leave Mom alone. Only Mom can tell me to leave her alone. Mom!

Clair: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Off to See the Wretched [6.23]

[After Clair and Cliff decide to wait for Vanessa]

Cliff: I want you to do me a favor. From where my heels are to where I land, I want you to mark how far I jumped. [He jumps across the living room.]

Clair: All right, stay right there. [Counts and calculates.] One... two... that's about eight feet.

Cliff: Eight feet? Add another three to that. Because when we see Vanessa, that's how far away from her I will have to be.

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[Cliff and Clair have brought Vanessa home from her friend's house. It's 5:13 am when the three returned home.]

Clair: You bring yourself in this house right now. [Vanessa enters; Clair shuts the door, leaving Cliff outside] And if you think that that 30-minute ride was something, believe me, we've only just begun. [Cliff lets himself in] I think of you lying on the floor of some burning building, dying of asphyxia, and you're down in Baltimore, having big fun! Weren't you, Vanessa? Isn't that where you were? [Rudy sneaks to the top of the stairs to listen to their conversation] Didn't you go down there to Baltimore and have big fun, Vanessa? Tell me, didn't you go for big fun?

Vanessa: Mom....

Clair: SHUT UP! Don't you dare open your mouth when I'm asking you a question! [Rudy snickers silently; Clair addresses her without turning around] RUDY, GO TO BED! [Rudy hurries back to her room] I only hope that you can have this same experience, Vanessa. I hope that one day you come to realize exactly how it feels to think that your child's life is in danger. You have taken us from levels of frenzy, panic, distress, and now that we know you're okay... rage. That's where we are right now, Vanessa. We are enraged because we know that you have been to Baltimore, Maryland with the Wretched to have big fun, big fun. Isn't that what you had, Vanessa? Didn't you have big fun? Well, let's see now, you had doughnuts. Had doughnuts in Wilmington, Delaware! Cliff, tell me, have you ever been to Wilmington for doughnuts?

Cliff: Not on the weekend.

Clair: There she is, sitting up in the local doughnut shop in Wilmington, Delaware, sipping hot chocolate and eating crumbs, and the car gets stolen. Now a normal individual with half a Gnat's Brain would've said, "I'm going home now." But you? [laughs mockingly] Oh, no, not you. You and your three friends put yourselves on a bus and go joyriding off to Baltimore, all the way to BALTIMORE!

Cliff: What were you thinking?

Vanessa: I wasn't thinking.

Cliff: You got that right.

Clair: Did you really think that the four of you could go off careening into the night, and not one single parent would find out about it? Did you really think that, Vanessa?

Vanessa: Mom....

Clair: SHUT UP! Because I know what was going on! You were off being wild and free with the Wretched, and singing the Wretched's song! Now, I know you told me about it in the car, Vanessa, but just for the record, one more time, how did it come to pass that you did NOT get into the concert with the Wretched and the big fun? [Vanessa doesn't speak] You better answer me when I ask you a question, girl!

Vanessa: We gave our tickets to a man who said he was with the band. But he wasn't and he stole them. Someone stole Janet's wallet. We ran away and we bumped into this guy, Freddy Scuria, a friend of Janet's brother, and he gave us bus fare.

Clair: You're lucky to have found someone to look at your little sorry selves and take pity on you.

Vanessa: Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It'll never happen again. Can I please just have my punishment?

Clair: Vanessa, please, your father and I have been through much too much this evening to be sitting up here thinking about a punishment for you right now.

Vanessa: But I'd like my punishment before I go to bed. [Clair lunges at Vanessa but Cliff holds her back]

Cliff: Do yourself a favor and go to bed, okay? And do me another favor, please? If you're thinking about running away from home, please don't take my car.

Clair: And there's just one more thing, Vanessa, I have to say to you. You have proved to us that you cannot be trusted. It's gonna be a very long time before we even think of trusting you again.

Vanessa: Mom, I said I was sorry. This is not gonna happen again. I--

Clair: For all I know, you are lying right now. GO TO BED!!

Vanessa: [near tears] Mama... [goes upstairs]

Clair: We're gonna have to do something about this child's honesty, Cliff. Now how are we gonna get Vanessa to be honest about something she wants to do when she knows darn good and well we do not want her to do it? And I say that tonight before we put head to pillow to rest in this house, you and I are gonna figure this one out.

Cliff: [cowboy drawl] All right, Roy, you get the pad and the pencil and bring 'em on into the chuck wagon, and I'll fix some coffee and some beans and a side of pork and, uh, we'll see what we can do about catching all the desperadoes.

Live and Learn [6.25]

Clair: [to herself about Denise] Maybe when we were making the decision to have that child, somebody should have poured some cold water on Cliff!

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Denise: Gosh, you know, all I want to do is help children and no one will let me!

Rebecca: Denise, why are you so hardheaded? The man didn't say that; he said you have to get an education to be of help here.

Denise: Well, I am ready now if Uncle Wilton would work with me!

Rebecca: Uncle Wilton already has enough children to work with; he doesn't need one as old as you! Denise, why don't you want to go to college? Why are you so afraid to go to college?

Denise: Because! I am ready now!

Rebecca: You know, a lot of people think they can just walk in off the street and do something because it looks easy! But they don't realize you have to work hard to make something look easy.