The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
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- Directed and written by Woody Allen.
C. W. Briggs
- I hate her just like I hate that German chancellor with the mustache.
- My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me.
- It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.
- A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...
- The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award.
Betty Ann Fitzgerald
- You don't have a kosher bone in your body.
- You hate any woman that doesn't have a double digit IQ.
- Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!
- Al: [Watching Jill walk away] My God, that girl's got a body that won't quit!
- C.W.: Quit? It won't take five minutes off for a coffee break.
- C. W.: They say I always get my man.
- Laura: Me, too.
- C.W.: There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.
- Laura: Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.
- C.W.: I used to date the six of spades.
- Betty Ann: So what, you always get your kicks fondling women's shoes?
- C.W.: Once in a while I'll fondle a whole woman.
- Betty Ann: You're searching my desk!
- C. W.: I wasn't searching. I was rummaging.
- Betty Ann: You misunderstand me. I dreamed you and I finally wound up together.
- Chris: That's funny because I didn't hear any screaming.
- Laura: I'll slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Wait for me in bed.
- C.W.: More comfortable than that? What are you gonna put on, Jergens lotion?
- Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
- C. W.: I know, perceptive.
- Betty Ann: You wormy little ferret!
- C. W.: Now, you're mixing metaphors.
- Woody Allen - C. W. Briggs
- Helen Hunt - Betty Ann Fitzgerald
- Dan Aykroyd - Chris Magruder
- Brian Markinson - Alvin "Al"
- Wallace Shawn - George Bond
- David Ogden Stiers - Voltan
- Charlize Theron - Laura Kensington
- Elizabeth Berkley - Jill
- Peter Gerety - Ned
- John Schuck - Mize