Police Inspector: So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?
Nathan: When he's rehearsing.
Gaz: Y'know Dave, it's a thought...
Gerald: Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widges hanging out. Now that would be worth 10 quid!
Gaz: Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...
Gerald: [teases by mimicking binoculars] Widges on parade! Bring your own microscope!
Dave: I don't see why the chuff not, Gerald.
Gerald: Because you're fat and he's thin, and you're both fucking ugly!
Dave: I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser"? What happens then, eh?
Horse: They wouldn't say that, would they?
Dave: Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.
Lomper: That's different. We're... blokes.
Dave: Yeah, and...
Gerald: I think she's got nice tits, actually.
Lomper: I never said nowt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.
Dave: No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither, which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality — this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.
Dave: I've been dieting. I do try. Seems like I spent most of me fuckin' life on a diet. The less I eat, the fatter I get.
Lomper: So, stuff yourself and get thin.
Gerald: Fat, David, is a feminist issue.
Dave: Well, what's that supposed to mean when it's at home?
Gerald: I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.
[The team recruits Guy]
Gaz: You don't sing?
Gaz: You don't dance?
Gaz: Hope you don't mind me being nosy, but what do you do?
Guy: Well, there is this...[strips down pants and underwear]
Gaz: [coughs smoke, then long pause] Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed.
Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.
Lomper: Haven't got any mates.
Gaz: Listen to you. We just saved your fucking life. So don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?
Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Dave: Yeah, me an'all, I'd run into ya as soon as look at ya.