The Golden Girls (season 1)
The Golden Girls (1985–1992) was a popular NBC sitcom about four previously married over-50 women who live together in Miami, sharing their various experiences together and enjoying themselves despite hard times.
The Engagement [1.01]
[edit]- Dorothy: I taught a class today. The finest school in Dade County. Two girls had shaved heads, and three boys had green hair.
- Coco: They're expressing themselves.
- Dorothy: Well, I expressed myself. I told them they had to leave. They were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A father came in in a three-piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring. [looks over Coco's shoulder to see what he's cooking] What's that?
- Coco: Enchiladas rancheros.
- Dorothy: Why don't you just shoot me?
- Dorothy: Oh, it is wonderful dating in Miami. All the single men under 80 are cocaine smugglers.
- Dorothy: You walked out on me and you didn't even have the decency to tell me you were leaving. I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone. A stranger, Stanley, a total stranger told me that my marriage was over.
- Stanley: Dorothy, look, things happened...
- Dorothy: Things happened. You're damn right things happened. Thirty-eight years happened. Thirty-eight years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting, and loving and, and children and diapers and, and school plays and little league. And worrying if you'd get through your gallbladder surgery and wondering if I'd get through another Sunday dinner at your mother's house. And the lean years, when the business failed. And the good years and the happy Christmases. All those things happened, Stanley, and because they happened, I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband's legal representative. You had a choice, Stanley, and you took the easy way out and it was a rotten thing to do. But now you're here in front of me, and you can't run away. And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of. I finally get to say goodbye, Stanley.
- Stanley: Look, Dorothy, we...
- Dorothy: I said goodbye, Stanley.
Rose the Prude [1.03]
[edit]- Dorothy: Honey, are you alright?
- Rose: I'll be fine.
- Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
- Dorothy: No, Blanche. She's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.
- Blanche: I'm going to have to meet men lying down.
- Sophia: I thought you did.
Transplant [1.04]
[edit]- Blanche: You've never heard about anyone hating their sister?
- Rose: Never. Maybe it's Southern.
- Blanche: Sleeping with your brothers is Southern!
- Rose: [about Blanche] Wherever she goes, she finds a man!
- Sophia: So do hookers.
The Triangle [1.05]
[edit]- Rose: What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man. They could have a child! [Blanche looks at her strangely] ...They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei Ling’s coming out party... [pauses as Blanche looks exasperated] ...Dorothy’s having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy’s husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei Ling? Hasn’t she suffered enough?
- Blanche: Not as much as I have listening to that story.
- Rose: Forget the story. You have to tell Dorothy, she's your friend!
- Blanche: You're right. She is my best friend.
- Rose: I thought I was your best friend!
- Blanche: You were until you told me that story.
- Blanche: Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth. I guess it's the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.
- Dorothy: Oh, please!
- Blanche: The only other woman who could possibly understand what I've been through is Priscilla Presley and Susan Anton. [beat] No, not Susan Anton.
On Golden Girls [1.06]
[edit]- Dorothy: I do not snore.
- Sophia: Please, I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!
- [later]
- Dorothy: Ma, I do not snore.
- Sophia: Please! I had to turn you away from the windows so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!
- Blanche: [after Sophia slaps David for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?
- Sophia: No. We also know how to make love and sing opera!
The Competition [1.07]
[edit]- Rose: I wonder why Italian men are so romantic.
- Dorothy: It’s the tight pants, Rose.
- Blanche: Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!
- Sophia: That's right! But unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.
- Rose: The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.
- Sophia: "Slut" would be better!
- Rose: Sophia!
- Dorothy: Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!
- Rose: [The robbers] were probably looking for drugs.
- Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. How many junkies have gas and hot flashes?
Blanche and the Younger Man [1.09]
[edit]- Blanche: [about Dirk] This is strictly off the record, but Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
- Dorothy: In what, Blanche? Dog years?
- Blanche: He was looking for a mother, not a lover. It was humiliating.
- Rose: I think it's sweet.
- Blanche: You would, Betty Crocker.
Heart Attack [1.10]
[edit]- Dorothy: You know, Ma, you don't look good.
- Sophia: I'm short and I'm old. What are you expecting - Princess Di?
- Rose: Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?
- Sophia: I'm not in England, I'm having a heart attack!
- Dorothy: Please, please Stan. No hugging, no kissing. Let’s just do it and get it over with.
- Stan: Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.
- Dorothy: I wish it was that good.
- Stan: [sobbing] Chrissy left me for a younger man!
- Dorothy: Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?
The Custody Battle [1.12]
[edit]- [about Sophia moving out]
- Rose: Who’s going to keep after us, and make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?
- Dorothy: I don’t know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.
- Sophia: Oh, Dorothy. Can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?
- Dorothy: Sure. What is it?
- Sophia: Don't expect a miracle.
A Little Romance [1.13]
[edit]- Dorothy: [in Rose's dream, about the wedding] You can't disappoint your guests.
- Rose: The guests? But I have to think about what's best for me!
- Dorothy: That's only in real life, Rose. In a dream, you do what's best for the guests.
- Blanche: He analyzed my dream.
- Dorothy: What dream?
- Blanche: Oh, that recurring dream I have where I'm running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty bodybuilder chases me. He said he thinks it's sexual.
- Dorothy: He thinks? For God's sake, Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream.
- Blanche: Not all my dreams are sexual! I also dream about food. Of course, I'm usually naked while I'm eating the food. I guess all my dreams are sexual. Lucky me!
That Was No Lady [1.14]
[edit]- Dorothy: I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.
- Blanche: Oh, who is he, Dorothy?
- Dorothy: Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.
- Rose: Where did you meet him?
- Sophia: His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.
- Rose: [talking to Dorothy after Dorothy returns from a date with Glenn] Oh, so you spent the evening at dinner!
- Dorothy: No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.
- Rose: A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!
- Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.
In A Bed of Rose's [1.15]
[edit]- Sophia: [to Rose] There's a man in your bed.
- Rose: Sophia, there's not!
- Blanche: [to Rose] Why, you devil, you!
- Dorothy: So that was what we heard! Rose!
- Blanche: Rose got lucky!
- Sophia: Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.
- Rose: I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.
- Sophia: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.
- Rose: That's not bad...
- Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
- Rose: Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing I've ever had to tell anybody.
- Blanche: Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.
- Dorothy: You didn't!
- Blanche: Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.
- Rose: Oh! I thought you were the one-
- Blanche: Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!
- Blanche: My whole life is an open book.
- Sophia: Your whole life is an open blouse!
- Blanche: Well, who hasn't told a lie?
- Sophia: Me! I never lie.
- Dorothy: Ma, how much did you lose at the dog track last week?
- Sophia: None of your business and that's the truth!
Nice and Easy [1.17]
[edit]- Blanche: Let me get a look at you, girl! Terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin! Just like looking in the mirror.
- Sophia: Get some Windex!
- Lucy: I hope I wasn’t too much trouble.
- Rose: Don't be silly.
- Dorothy: We enjoyed having you.
- Sophia: So did half of Miami.
The Operation [1.18]
[edit]- Dorothy: [watching her roommate stretch] Why are you doing those exercises?
- Bonnie: No reason. I just like to stay healthy.
- Dorothy: I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital. The exercises aren't working.
- Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing here?
- Sophia: You were operated on. You're my daughter! Where else would I be?
Second Motherhood [1.19]
[edit]- Rose: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now we can move this toilet.
- Dorothy: Fine. Get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.
- [Rose woke Dorothy with her banging in the bathroom.]
- Dorothy: Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on?
- Rose: A lateral fusion pipe.
- Dorothy: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
- Rose: No...
- Dorothy: MY HEAD!!!
- Rose: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the future of plumbing as we know it!
- Dorothy: Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol Man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.
Adult Education [1.20]
[edit]- Blanche: Oh girls, I am devastated, just devastated.
- Dorothy: What happened?
- Blanche: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to. He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
- Rose: No!
- Blanche: Oh yes. I just don't know what to do!
- Sophia: Get it in writing!
- Rose: I'm a very patient person. I once waited two whole weeks for a stye to go away. Every night I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller, and one morning I woke up and it was gone!
- [Sophia leans back against the refrigerator with her eyes closed]
- Dorothy: Ma, you okay?
- Sophia: I'm fine. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.
Flu Attack (a.k.a.) The Flu [1.21]
[edit]- Blanche: Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
- Dorothy: How should I know?
- [Blanche lifts a cord running under Dorothy's blanket]
- Blanche: Well, if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.
- Blanche: Oh, you don't have to worry about me, honey. I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.
- Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.
Job Hunting [1.22]
[edit]- Dorothy:[to Rose] Sure you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. [Blanche gives Dorothy a dirty look] Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. [Blanche gives a dirtier look] Alright, you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche. [Blanche now looks mortified]
- Rose: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.
- Dorothy: Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?
- Sophia: What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: 'Thank God, the water's here'? Call me when dinner is ready.
Blind Ambitions [1.23]
[edit]- Blanche: You still watch television?
- Lily: Well, I don't exactly watch it. I just pretend it's radio.
- Sophia: We don't exactly watch it either, with our crummy TV. We get two channels at once. For a while there I thought Benson was having an affair with Miss Ellie.
- Lily: Girls, I'm feeling a little chilly. I think I'll go and get my sweater.
- Rose: Oh, no, I'll get that, I'll get that for you.
- Lily: Oh, Rose, for heaven sakes, I can find my own way. [the girls frantically move all the boxes from her path] I know you're trying to help, but if I could pilot my own plane cross-country during a storm, I can certainly find my way across the room! [reaches the hallway, turns to face the girls] There. Now, do you see that I don't need anybody's help?
- Cowboy #2: Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...
- Dorothy: Give us a break, would you mac!
- Rose: Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
- Sophia: Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?
The Way We Met [1.25]
[edit]- Blanche: It was at that moment I realized that my bosoms had the power to make music!
- Dorothy: Didn't Bette Midler win a special Grammy for that?
- Dorothy: Oh girls, let's face facts. The three of us just can't agree on anything. I mean, it is obvious we were not meant to live together.
- Blanche: I hate to agree with you, but I think you're right.
- Rose: I think so too. In fact, I know so. This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
- Blanche: The Great Herring War?
- Rose: Yes. Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
- Dorothy: Oh, that Great Herring War.
- Rose: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
- Dorothy: Well, that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
- Rose: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
- Blanche: Weren't they kind of hard to see, riding on the elephants?
- Rose: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like SeaWorld, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
- Dorothy: [struggling to control her laughter along with Blanche] Uh, tell me, Rose, did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
- Rose: [after a long pause] Only once. [Blanche and Dorothy start laughing uncontrollably] But they shot him into a tree. After that, no other herring would do it.
- Blanche: You're making this up!
- Rose: I am not. My grandfather told me that story. Of course, he also used to call me by my sister's name. And sometimes, he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. I guess he wasn't a very reliable source.