The Idiot Weekly
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The All Australian Leather Rocket
- Michael: Look at you. Filthy! Your uniform's covered in mud. What kind of a guard do you call yourself?
- Eccles: I'm a mudguard.
The French Connection
- Eccles: HELP!
- Bobby: There's someone in the sea.
- Eccles: Who?
- Bobby: You.
- Eccles: Help!
- Bobby: What's the matter?
- Eccles: The sea is full of water. And me!
- Eccles: You've saved my life.
- Bobby: Well, we all make mistakes.
- Eccles: I know. I've seen your wife.
The Prime Minister's Trousers
- Inspector: What was your last job?
- Eccles: I was the head gamekeeper to Lord Chatterly.
- Inspector: Did he give you a reference?
- Eccles: No, but his wife did!
The First Australian into Outer Woy Woy
- Michael: Please stop these insults or we'll get Mr Limb to tell one of his jokes.
- Bobby: That's a good idea. There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a...
- FX: Gunshot
- Spike: ... dead Australian comic.
- Minister: Mr Speaker, honourable members. This urgent telegram dated 1901 has just arrived from Canberra.
- Eccles: Where's Canberra?
- Minister: Somebody tell Mr Menzies where it is.
The Australian Flag
- Michael: This story concerns the story of the Australian Secret Service who through their gallant efforts put three years on the war.
- Announcer: So Lieutenant Eccles, Idiot and BAR, is unaware that a female German spy has tunneled up through the floorboard of the airship and is now in the main lounge. At the moment I am hanging on an ABC rope ladder under the floor. I will now thrust the microphone up so that you can hear the next scene.
- Eccles: Ooowww! Mind what you do with that thing!
- Announcer: Bobby Limb has volunteered to be parachuted into France, on the one condition that he gets more lines to say in the show.
- Michael: Sergeant, arrest those old uniforms and have them reduced to the rank of underwear!
- Lord Thud: My lords, I have news that is six feet deep.
- Lord: That sounds like grave news.
- Lord Thud: At 4.30 this afternoon as the crow files, on Lords cricket ground, Australia won the Ashes.
- Omnes: Cries and groans.
- Lord Thud: And worse still, there were women and children present!
The Spon Plague
- Newsreader: ...three dead and fourteen grievously injured. That concludes the rugby results for New South Wales. And now here is the news of the Spon. The theory has been advanced that a possible cure for the disease is the rare sponberry which grows between 18 Macquarie Street and Africa.
- Fish Rafferty: We stepped into a world of Eastern wonderment and in the middle of a great marble mosaic floor was a great tunnel.
- Sheik: That is the other end of the Eastern Suburbs Railway.
- Fish Rafferty: Where does it lead to?
- Sheik: Ruin.
King's Cross - The East Berlin of Australia
- Prime Minister of King's Cross: M for Mary, G for Gordon.
- Premier of New South Wales: Mary Gordon. That's a funny name for a man.
- Prime Minister: Not in King's Cross.
- Prime Minister: We want to blow up Federal Parliament.
- Nigel Fawkes: Right. Now the best time to blow it up is when they're all asleep.
- Eccles: That's the daytime.
The Great Christmas Pudding
- Announcer: Excuse me, Major. I'm from the ABC.
- Major: I'm sorry, I don't have any money on me. See old Bob Dyer, he's got a fortune in his mattress.
The Last Tram to King Street Bridge
- Michael: That afternoon, the Prime Minister read this urgent signal to Parliament.
- Prime Minister: Gentlemen, British troopers have defeated Chips Rafferty at the Eureka Stockade.
The Flying Dustman of the Outback
- Harry: At first nobody noticed it. Then one day, me and the missus had a letter from a friend.
- Gladys: "Dear Harry and Gladys. No offence, but when the wind's in our direction we can't stand the smell of your dustbins."
- Harry: I didn't think they smell much.
- Gladys: They must do. This letter's from New Zealand.
- Captain Eisdell, RAN: Pull up the mainsail, put all top missen sails out and the spinnaker sail aft.
- Eccles: Won't it be difficult?
- Eisdell: Why, damn you?
- Eccles: It's a steam ship.