Jump to content

The Inbetweeners Movie

Edit links
From Wikiquote, the free quote compendium

The Inbetweeners Movie is a is a 2011 British coming-of-age teen adventure comedy film based on the E4 sitcom The Inbetweeners. It was written by series creators Damon Beesley and Iain Morris and directed by Ben Palmer

Dialogue

[edit]
Will: (voiceover) I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess.

(Neil is working behind the fish counter at a supermarket.)

Neil: All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay?
Jay’s Mum: Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. (Her phone rings) Hello? Ohh…
Neil: It’s a bit over, is that okay?
Customer: Not really.

(Neil takes a few prawns away when he sees a clock on the wall behind him click over 6pm. He drops the prawns which scatter everywhere.)

Customer: Excuse me! My prawns?
Neil: Sorry, mate, I finish at six.

(He grabs the girl named Nicole and in full view of the customers they start snogging long and hard.)

Neil: Cheers for that.
Nicole: You don’t have to thank me every time.
Neil: Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit.

(They start snogging hard again. The waiting customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air.)

Will: (voiceover) It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.
Will: Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.
Will: (voiceover) They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there forever until I died.
Will: (voiceover) So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it.
Will: (voiceover) Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers.
Will: (voiceover) I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts.
Neil: Here y’are.

(He hands out bright pink T-shirts to everyone.)

Jay: Nice!
Neil: Right, you owe me 12 quid each. Except for you, Will, you owe me 20.
Will: What?! Why?
Neil: Cos I had to bung the bloke a few extra quid for him to make it.
Will: Right, so I've got to pay more money for a T-shirt I didn’t ask for and I’m not going to wear, cos it carries a nickname I didn’t know I had?
Simon: Yes.
Will: Great(!)

(The other three laugh)

(The four boys appear out of the lift, wearing their Pussay Patrol T-shirts. They walk out the lift and round the corner, approaching the large open check-in area. A couple of people passing do double-takes at the t-shirts. They approach the woman at the check-in desk.)

Check in Woman: Malia flight?
Will: Yep.
Check in Woman: Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane.

(The boys walk down the coach. It’s not that busy, and in the middle are sat a group of nice looking girls.)

Neil: Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em?
Jay: Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil.
Neil: Really? What about that netball team?
Jay: Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves.
Neil: Ah, course.
Will: Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.
Jay: Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins.
Neil: Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.
Jay: Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples.
Will: But I’ve not slept for 37 hours.
Simon: So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then.
Will: Fine, good idea.
Will: (voiceover) When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off.
Burnley Lads: (singing) Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful!

(The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some brush. In the front, there’s a Greek Man smoking, pulling a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed.)

Will: (voiceover) It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here.
Holiday Rep: Right then, McKenzie party. This is you.

(Burnley Lads cheer uproariously)

Burnley Lad: Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished.

(Will and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach.)

Burnley Lad: (singing) Oh, Burnley!
Burnley Lads: (singing) Oh, Burnley!
Burnley Lad: (singing) Is wonderful…

(The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus pulls away behind them.)

Neil: This don’t look like the pictures

(The Greek Man who has pulled the dog out the well comes over to them.)

Will: (voiceover) I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here.
Greek Man: You Willy?
Will: Yes.
Greek Man: Your key. You have fun. But not too much fun. You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. Each time!

(He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the apartments, a really hard looking British bloke named Hard Steve comes out the main door.)

Hard Steve: All right, lads! Are you stopping here?
Will: Uh. Yes. We are.
Hard Steve: Bad luck. I’ve just come back from Afghanistan, and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can’t wait to get back to lying in a dusty dench, being shot at by some raghead. Are you married?
Simon: No.
Hard Steve: Don’t get married. The wife bought this, but somehow, it’s my fucking fault. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I’ll see youse later.
Greek Man: Steve! You owe me 50 euros!

(The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside.)

(The boys enter their holiday apartment and wander around. It’s disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break and cheap to replace.)

Will: (voiceover) As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit.

(Will opens the door which is empty apart from half a can of dog food. Will and Simon then walk into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull out the sofa bed, and it has huge light brown stain on a white sheet in the middle of it.)

Jay and Neil: Shotgun this room!
Simon: Shotgun the sofa bed!
Will: Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!
Simon: Not really my problem.

(In the bathroom)

Neil: What’s that? Is that the bath?
Jay: Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet.
Neil: Is it?
Jay: Yes!
Neil: Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then?
Jay: Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it.
Neil: Ugh, that’s grim!
Jay: Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty.

(Simon and Will walk in)

Simon: See? (pointing at the bathtub) That looks nice!
Will: I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed.
Jay: (High-pitched) Ooh, ‘ello! (Normal voice) Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know.
Will: Charming(!)
Will: (voiceover) Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town.
Will: (voiceover) While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.
Jay: She’d get it.
Neil: Most definitely!
Jay: Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one.
Neil: And that one. She’d get it.
Jay: Right in the bumholey.
Neil: I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted.
Jay: So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour.
Neil: No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich.

(It is a massive and totally empty bar/club, with the exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses.)

Will: Ah, interesting.

(Jay peels off to the bar)

Neil: Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing.
Will: And why would she lie?!

(They head over to the bar, Jay’s already ordering.)

Jay: All right, mate. Four pints, four Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please.
Neil: (To the Barman very slowly in shouted English) Hello. When it good here?
Barman: Sorry?
Neil: Er, when here party good?
Barman: (in English) In normally about an hour or two.
Simon: Oh. Well, as we’ve paid, maybe we should hang on, then?
Barman: But this year…never.
Neil: (Shouted still) Thanking you, very much.
Simon: Okay, let’s go.
Jay: Fuck off! My bird’ll be down in a minute.
Will: Do you mean the woman who’s clearly on commission to trick people into this empty bar?
Jay: No, I mean the little hottie outside I was flirting with.
Will: I’ll take that as a yes, then.
Jay: I’m going nowhere till she’s sucked me off!
Simon: So you’re going nowhere.
Will: Jay, we’re on holiday! I meant to be out there, trying to hit girls I think are beneath me but who, for their part, won’t give me the time of day! So, let’s go!

(They go to leave, but stop dead when they see the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs.)

Neil: Ooh! Hello, hello! It’s those little lovelies from the coach!
Jay: (indicating the larger girl) That one’s not so little.
Simon: I think they’re looking at us.
Will: And not in a weird, terrified, “leave us alone” way. Amazing!
Simon: Jay, you’re drunkest. Go over and talk to them.
Jay: Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. Why go for hamburgers when you’ve got steak at home?
Will: If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It’s up to you, then, Si.
Simon: Oh, shit, really? I don’t know if I’m over Carli.

(Jay slaps Simon in the nuts)

Simon: Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?!
Jay: Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse now, Si. And those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony.
Simon: Yeah, okay, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there.
Will: Great.
Jay: You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you.
Simon: Really?!
Will: Annoyingly, that does sound right.
Jay: Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse.
Will: That might be a bit much.
Simon: Yeah, I dunno.
Neil: Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it.
Will: What about Nicole?
Neil: It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine.
Will: Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here.
Will: Am I doing it right? Am I in time?
Simon: Maybe a bit out, but not so you’d notice. Copy Neil.
Simon: It’s pretty devastating, cos she’s definitely the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. She’s so fascinating. She’s really funny, you know?
Lucy: Oh, right. In what sort of way?
Simon: Just like… You know when something’s funny and people get it?
Lucy: Yes.
Simon: So, in that way. And, also, in a comedy way.
Will: (voiceover) Neil was a man of few words, but even for him, this was ridiculous. Not that I was faring that much better myself.
Alison: So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off?
Will: No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What’s your excuse?
Alison: Sort of similar. I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so now I’m back.
Will: Hilarious. Course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter?
Alison: Waiter.
Will: Brilliant. Was he called Stavros?
Alison: Nicos.
Will: Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home!
Alison: Yeah. He understands women, for one.
Will: I’m sure he does. Must get enough practice.
Will: (voiceover) Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink, he’d now stopped paying for his own. Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll.
Simon: So then Carli said we needed some space. And uni’s coming up, so maybe she’s right.
Lucy: Sorry, who’s right?
Simon: Carli?
Lucy: Who?
Simon: Carli, my ex?
Lucy: You went out with a girl called Carli? You should’ve said(!)
Simon: What? I did! That’s all I’ve been talking about. Oh!
Lucy: Yes, I was joking!
Simon: Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me.
Lucy: What?!
Simon: Um, nothing.
Neil’s Northern Bird: (whooping)

(Will and Simon are asleep on the sofabed, Will under a horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and daylight fills the room through the transparent curtains.)

Will: (voiceover) The next morning, I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack.

(He wakes up and notices the door to the bedroom is closed, but on the handle, he can see Neil’s white trilby hat.)

Will: Simon… Simon!
Simon: Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water?
Neil’s Northern Bird: (still whooping)
Simon: What the fuck is that noise?
Will: I think it’s Neil.
Simon: Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night!
Neil’s Northern Bird: (Off-screen) Smooth me lover.
Neil: (Off-screen) I cannot understand a thing you say.
Neil’s Northern Bird: (Off-screen) Spunk all over me bastard tits.
Neil: (Off-screen) Oh, right.
Will: Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas.
Neil: (Off-screen) Ooowww!
Neil’s Northern Bird: (Off-screen) Fucking smack it! Smack it, you little prick! (slaps) Is that all you’ve got?
Neil: (Off-screen) Shall I bite it?
Will: Interesting question.
Simon: This is beyond creepy.
Neil’s Northern Bird: (Off-screen) Bite it. Spit on it! Twist it right fucking off!
Will: Okay, I’m getting out of here!
Neil’s Northern Bird: (Off-screen) Harder!

(As the noises continue, Will and Simon head onto the balcony)

Will: (voiceover) Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit.
Neil: What about there?
Will: They’ve got towels on them, Neil.
Neil: So?
Will: That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those.
Neil: Fuck that!

(Jay goes to move the towels off the beds.)

Will: No, Jay, we can’t!
Jay: Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em.
Simon: That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it.
Jay: Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too?

(And with that, Jay grabs the towels and chucks them into the middle of the pool.)

Will: Jay!
Jay: Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole.
Will: Jay, please!
Will: (voiceover) Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

(At the apartment, Simon is zipping up his case)

Simon: I’m going to sell my clothes.
Will: Oh, you’re having a breakdown.
Simon: She means so much to me, Will, I don’t care about anything else. If I can get enough money together, I can buy a ticket for the boat party off someone, somehow, whatever it costs. Money is all I need.
Will: I agree with you on money, but who’s going to buy your clothes? No of fence, but you dress appallingly.
Simon: Are you going to help or just constantly undermine me?
Will: Bit of both, I’d imagine.
Simon: Fine.

(They start walking towards the door, Simon is lugging the case)

Will: Do you think Alison likes me?
Will: (voiceover) It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

Cast

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
Retrieved from "https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Inbetweeners_Movie&oldid=4004326"