Pauline Campbell-Jones: Hokey-cokey, pig in a pokey! [Clears throat] Hello, gents...oh, it's half-past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work! Other men stay in bed 'til dinner time, watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are... Good morning Jobseekers!
Pauline Campbell-Jones: You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross; you're never gonna bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!
Pauline Campbell-Jones: [regarding Mickey] You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell job, but at least he tries!
Dr Matthew Chinnery: Would you take a seat, Mr. Tinsel. I have some rather upsetting news.
Postbox: Thank you for posting a letter inside me!
Edward Tattsyrup: What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
Harvey Denton: Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on pillow, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.
Harvey Denton: Oh dear. It seems Benjamin thinks there’s something odd in drinking one’s own pee wee. Something unnatural?
Benjamin Denton: Yes, I do!
Harvey Denton: Well there are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise. [hands Benjamin an empty glass] My toads, for example, will consume almost three times their own volume in urine every day. [urinates into the glass] Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom! What is good enough for him is not so for you?! Father Toad has been on this Earth since the dawn of time, millions of years before man saw fit to scratch out the back of their latrines…and I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own petty species…so join me then and drink, DRINK! So we may become more like him and his batrachian friends!
[After Pauline has been humiliated by Ross in a job interview]
Pauline: [brightly, recovering herself] Good! Thank you very much. I feel that Ross handled that situation very well…can I have my things back? Yeah, although it did make me wonder how well he’d handle a situation more like this…! [Pauline whacks Ross in the jaw with a clipboard] Eh? Ooh, a bully am I!? Foul fucking mouthed?! Now, you’ll eat those words…Egregious! Egregious! Egregious! Is this what it means…!? Is this egregious enough for you?!
Tubbs Tattsyrup: [crying] You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea!
Edward Tattsyrup: Nonsense!
Tubbs Tattsyrup: And other places, too! You kept them from me!
Edward Tattsyrup: Yes, I kept them from you! To keep you pure, and clean and local!
Geoff Tipps: Brian says Cheryl looks like a moose. He said I can't believe he's marrying that old moose.
Brian Morgan: I never said that, Mike. Geoff did.
Geoff Tipps: No, I said she looked about a hundred years old, I didn't say like a moose.
Dr Matthew Chinnery: Subject appears to be animal. Ursine features...but ostensibly simian. Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy...I can only conclude that we have been confronted by a new species, the like of which the world has never seen.
Radio Call: Sir, sorry to bother you. Got this zoo feller here, lost his animals. You haven't see a goat, a pig, and a chimp anywhere?
Andrew: Please...please, Mr. Tinsel, let me go.
Farmer Jed Tinsel: What? When you're doing such a fine job of keeping those greedy crows off my turnips? I don't think so, Andrew. Maybe next month, eh?
Reverend Bernice Woodall: Oh they've arrived. Did you know that this afternoon some of you lot are going to be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons? It's going to be performed by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company and it's a show about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12 year olds. Some people call this Theatre in Education, I call it Aids in a Van.
Tubbs Tattsyrup: I'm writing a card for the shop window. Wanted. No-tail to marry our son, David, in the attic.
Edward Tattsyrup: Show me [shows a card with childish scribbles on it] change that to local no-tail!
Tubbs Tattsyrup: Edward! Edward!
Edward Tattsyrup: Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
Tubbs Tattsyrup: He's trying to grab my petrol! He spoke of walking, but not on legs! Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs!
Aid worker: Well, I've got a car, if that's what she means!
Edward Tattsyrup: Devil! Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse drawn, belching Satan's black wind into our clean and local air! This is a decent town and a local shop; there's nothing for you here!
Aid worker: Fine, I'll be off! [he storms out]
Tubbs Tattsyrup: [confused] Edward?
Edward Tattsyrup: Don't worry, Tubbs...[reveals he has stolen the man's car keys] He won't get far!
Benjamin Denton: [reading a postcard with his forged signature] Dear All: It's great to be here. Uncle Harvey and Auntie Val are so wonderful. I'm going to stay here for at least five years. Love, Benjamin.
Tony Cluedo: We did try and get in touch with you, but no one had your new number.
Les McQueen: I've not moved!
Tony Cluedo: Yeah?
Royston Vasey and the Monster From Hell (2.6)
Radclyffe: What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?
Harvey Denton: Why, a frog in a liquidiser!
Chloe: Wrong! A toad! [flicks on the liquidiser with a toad inside]