The League of Gentlemen
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Welcome to Royston Vasey (1.1)
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: Hokey-cokey, pig in a pokey! [Clears throat] Hello, gents...oh, it's half-past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work! Other men stay in bed 'til dinner time, watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are... Good morning Jobseekers!
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross; you're never gonna bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: [regarding Mickey] You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell job, but at least he tries!
- Dr Matthew Chinnery: Would you take a seat, Mr. Tinsel. I have some rather upsetting news.
- Postbox: Thank you for posting a letter inside me!
- Edward Tattsyrup: What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!
The Road To Royston Vasey (1.2)
- Edward Tattsyrup: You heard the man, Tubbs. Get undressed!
- Edward Tattsyrup: Don't worry Tubbs. [picks up a crossbow] They won't get far!
- Samuel Chignell: I know it's wrong--it just tastes so good.
- Ally Welles: I don't like that Bradley Pitt anyway. Too much acting.
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: You see, Ross?! You see how easy it is?! It's as simple as Mickey!
Nightmare In Royston Vasey (1.3)
- Harvey Denton: Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on pillow, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.
- Harvey Denton: Oh dear. It seems Benjamin thinks there’s something odd in drinking one’s own pee wee. Something unnatural?
- Benjamin Denton: Yes, I do!
- Harvey Denton: Well there are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise. [hands Benjamin an empty glass] My toads, for example, will consume almost three times their own volume in urine every day. [urinates into the glass] Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom! What is good enough for him is not so for you?! Father Toad has been on this Earth since the dawn of time, millions of years before man saw fit to scratch out the back of their latrines…and I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own petty species…so join me then and drink, DRINK! So we may become more like him and his batrachian friends!
- [After Pauline has been humiliated by Ross in a job interview]
- Pauline: [brightly, recovering herself] Good! Thank you very much. I feel that Ross handled that situation very well…can I have my things back? Yeah, although it did make me wonder how well he’d handle a situation more like this…! [Pauline whacks Ross in the jaw with a clipboard] Eh? Ooh, a bully am I!? Foul fucking mouthed?! Now, you’ll eat those words…Egregious! Egregious! Egregious! Is this what it means…!? Is this egregious enough for you?!
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: [crying] You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea!
- Edward Tattsyrup: Nonsense!
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: And other places, too! You kept them from me!
- Edward Tattsyrup: Yes, I kept them from you! To keep you pure, and clean and local!
- Geoff Tipps: Brian says Cheryl looks like a moose. He said I can't believe he's marrying that old moose.
- Brian Morgan: I never said that, Mike. Geoff did.
- Geoff Tipps: No, I said she looked about a hundred years old, I didn't say like a moose.
The Beast of Royston Vasey (1.4)
- Dr Matthew Chinnery: Subject appears to be animal. Ursine features...but ostensibly simian. Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy...I can only conclude that we have been confronted by a new species, the like of which the world has never seen.
- Radio Call: Sir, sorry to bother you. Got this zoo feller here, lost his animals. You haven't see a goat, a pig, and a chimp anywhere?
- Andrew: Please...please, Mr. Tinsel, let me go.
- Farmer Jed Tinsel: What? When you're doing such a fine job of keeping those greedy crows off my turnips? I don't think so, Andrew. Maybe next month, eh?
- Reverend Bernice Woodall: Oh they've arrived. Did you know that this afternoon some of you lot are going to be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons? It's going to be performed by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company and it's a show about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12 year olds. Some people call this Theatre in Education, I call it Aids in a Van.
Love Comes To Royston Vasey (1.5)
- Geoff Tipps: I don't know what he puts in his sausages, but I've never tasted finer!
- Man in Theater: It's the title of the film, Krzysztof Kielslowski's Troi Couleurs Bleu.
- Ally Welles: Dracula's what?
- Henry Portrait: How many killings?
- Les McQueen: You can't play Sympathy for the Devil without a rhythm guitar!
- Stevens: We can do it on the keyboards, now, all right.
- Les McQueen: It's not the same. Give us a go on your Strat, I'll teach you Voodoo Lady.
- Stevens: Look, it's not going to happen, all right?
Escape From Royston Vasey (1.6)
- Harvey Denton: In this house, we wage a constant battle against the microbe and germ.
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: Yes, come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.
- David Tattsyrup: About 7:00, then.
- Recording of Pauline: You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you?! Sit up straight, you bone-idle lazy cunt!-[Ross turns the recorder off]
- Pauline: What was that?!
- Ross: That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.
Destination Royston Vasey (2.1)
- Delivery Man: Hi, I've got a frog for a Mr. Denton.
- Harvey Denton: A what?
- Delivery Man: A...frog.
- Harvey Denton: How dare you, sir! In this house, we do not use the F word! This...is a toad!
- Pauline: Just who do you think you're talking to?!
- Cathy Carter Smith: Well according to my report, a psychotic fifty year old lesbian!
- Pauline: [outraged] How dare you! I'm forty eight!
- Papa Lazarou: Tell them the circus is coming to town!
- Papa Lazarou: My wife was right, there was a block in you toilet, but I've fixed it now.
- Papa Lazarou: Hello Daaave?
- Papa Lazarou: (while communicating to the dead) But wait...I'm hearing another voice! His name... is George!
- Volunteer: G-George? Can I speak to him?
- Papa Lazarou: (sarcastically) No, he's dead BUT...You can speak to him...Through me (does a series of odd movements). Now I am George.
- Volunteer: George?
- Papa Lazarou: Yesssss?
- Volunteer: Is that you, George?
- Papa Lazarou: (in exasperation) Yes it is, ask me a question!
- Volunteer: Tell me my name, George.
- Papa Lazarou: All right...
- [Papa Lazarou pauses, unsure what to say, then breaks character]
- Papa Lazarou: (in an undertone) What's your name?
- Volunteer: Annie.
- Papa Lazarou: [Back in character] Hello, Annie, give us your wedding ring (holds up his hand).
- Annie: What!?
- Papa Lazarou: Your wedding ring, give it to Papa Lazarou.
- Annie: Why!?
- Papa Lazarou: Just do it, I'm dead now, there's no point in having it, (impatiently snatches her ring) quickly, come on!
Lust For Royston Vasey (2.2)
- Pop: All my life, I try to make a man out of my son. When he's little, we sit down together and watch a video! One of my favorites!
- Patricia: Watership Down?
- Pop: No, is called The Ass Master. It's German!
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: Always put something of yourself in every job you do! [spits in Ross's vegeburger]
A Plague On Royston Vasey (2.3)
- Edward Tattsyrup: The time has come to find him a mate!
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: A no-tail? But where will we get one?
- Edward Tattsyrup: [grabs an animal trap] Leave it to me, Tubbs! I...have a way with women!
- Edward Tattsyrup: [taking inventory of the shop] Now...candles?
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: Um...twelvety.
- Edward Tattsyrup: Good...cans of Can't?
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: Um...twelvety.
- Edward Tattsyrup: And...precious things?
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: Um...twelvety.
- Edward Tattsyrup: Good! We haven't sold a thing!
Death In Royston Vasey (2.4)
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: I'm writing a card for the shop window. Wanted. No-tail to marry our son, David, in the attic.
- Edward Tattsyrup: Show me [shows a card with childish scribbles on it] change that to local no-tail!
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: Edward! Edward!
- Edward Tattsyrup: Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: He's trying to grab my petrol! He spoke of walking, but not on legs! Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs!
- Aid worker: Well, I've got a car, if that's what she means!
- Edward Tattsyrup: Devil! Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse drawn, belching Satan's black wind into our clean and local air! This is a decent town and a local shop; there's nothing for you here!
- Aid worker: Fine, I'll be off! [he storms out]
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: [confused] Edward?
- Edward Tattsyrup: Don't worry, Tubbs...[reveals he has stolen the man's car keys] He won't get far!
Anarchy In Royston Vasey (2.5)
- Benjamin Denton: [reading a postcard with his forged signature] Dear All: It's great to be here. Uncle Harvey and Auntie Val are so wonderful. I'm going to stay here for at least five years. Love, Benjamin.
- Tony Cluedo: We did try and get in touch with you, but no one had your new number.
- Les McQueen: I've not moved!
- Tony Cluedo: Yeah?
Royston Vasey and the Monster From Hell (2.6)
- Radclyffe: What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?
- Harvey Denton: Why, a frog in a liquidiser!
- Chloe: Wrong! A toad! [flicks on the liquidiser with a toad inside]
- Tubbs Tattsyrup: Will heaven be like Swansea?
- Edward Tattsyrup: Yes Tubbs, only bigger.
Yule Never Leave!
The Lesbian and The Monkey (3.1)
- Mickey Michaels: The blue felt-tip ran out on that one, that's why a bit of the sea is green.
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: Oh that's OK, you can have a green sea.
- Mickey Michaels: Especially if you wee in it like I do.
- Mickey Michaels: It's a pen for my finance-a.
- Pauline Campbell-Jones: I'm in love.
- Ross Gaines: What with a man who's "thick, stinks and lives in a shithole!"
The One-Armed Man is King (3.2)
Turn Again Geoff Tipps (3.3)
The Medusa Touch (3.4)
Beauty and the Beast (Or, Come into My Parlour) (3.5)
How the Elephant Got Its Trunk (3.6)
- Papa Lazarou: What was my wife's name again?
- Brian Morgan: Katie, Katie Morgan.
- Papa Lazarou: Ah, Dave!