The Long Kiss Goodnight

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The Long Kiss Goodnight is a 1996 film about an amnesiac schoolteacher that, with the help of an alcoholic private eye, discovers she's actually a government assassin left for dead by her former agency which is now trying to eliminate her for good.

Directed by Renny Harlin. Written by: Shane Black.

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore[edit]

  • [to a drunken friend] Earl, do me a favor? … Every few words, have some bubbles come out of your mouth and say "hic".
  • [to her 7-year-old daughter] Stop being a little baby and get up. Life is pain. Get used to it!
  • [to Timothy] It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
  • [later, watching Timothy plummet to his death] Die screaming, motherfucker!
  • Chefs do that.
  • You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom of it.

Mitch Henessey[edit]

  • I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.
  • What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn' muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?
  • I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.
  • Naw, I sock 'em in the mouth and yell, "Pop goes the weasel." Who the fuck are you?
  • Do not make an assumption, cause when you make an assumption, you make an ass outta you; and umption!


[Waldman hands a frightened Samantha a gun and pulls another one out.]
Mitch Henessey: Tell me, old man, how many of those things you got?
Nathan Waldman: Three: one shoulder, one hip, and one right here next to Mr. Wally, where most pat-downs never reveal it, as an agent's often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?
Mitch Henessey: Yeah! What's the weather like on your planet?

[On arriving at the train station, Mitch takes his gun from a file in the trunk and puts it into his pocket]
Mitch Henessey:[Singing] Put the car keys in my left pocket. Gun in the right hand side.
Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge! People will see it.
Mitch Henessey: You want me to put it into my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Samantha Caine: What? So now you're a sharp shooter?

[In a hotel room]
Mitch Henessey: Tell me, do you always curse this much?
Samantha Caine: What are you, a Mormon?
Mitch Henessey: Yes, I'm a Mormon, that's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics. I mean . . . When I first met you, you were all "Oh phooey, I burnt the darn muffins;" now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out.

Samantha Caine: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

[Waldman grabs an oblivious Henessey from behind.]
Nathan Waldman: Stay quiet, and drop the rifle.
[Waldman pushes Henessey up against a barn wall.]
Mitch Henessey: How'd you find us?
Nathan Waldman: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.
Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.

[A man directs an unimpressed Charly into an alley with his gun.]
Charly Baltimore: Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight. Shoo!
Gunman: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
[Mitch appears with his own gun pointed at the man's head.]
Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye, pal.
Charly Baltimore: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that "ham on rye" line.

Charly Baltimore: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?
Mitch Henessey: I took lessons!

Charly Baltimore: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch Henessey: Well, why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

[Caitlin and Charly are locked in a fridge.]
Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charly Baltimore: Oh, no, baby. No, you're not gonna die. They are.
[Charly strikes a match to light a gasoline stream.]
Charly Baltimore: Cover your ears. Hey! Should we get a dog?

[Charly steals the bomb-carrying truck. The dislodged driver calls on the radio.]
Truck Driver: I'm– I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.
Timothy: Continue dying. Out.

Charly Baltimore: Easy, sport. Got myself out of Beirut once, I think I can get out of New Jersey.
Mitch Henessey: Yeah, well don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

[Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises one of her students.]
Charly Baltimore: Good morning, Raymond.
Raymond: [nervously] Good morning, Miss Caine.
Charly Baltimore: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here.
[She takes a puff.]
Charly Baltimore: Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me, I'll blow your fucking head off.

Mitch Henessey: And what about your daughter, what's her name . . . Cathead?
Charly Baltimore: Caitlin.

Mitch Henessey: So, you cold?
Charly Baltimore: Yeah. Freezing.
Mitch Henessey: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise — distracts from the cold.

Assassin: Hey, princess. Want some company?
Charly Baltimore: No, thanks. I'm saving myself for when I get raped.

Mitch Henessey: You're telling me you guys are gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?
Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Henessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people. So we're just gonna have to do it for real.

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